Hi!:wave: I'm Michelle, I have been diagnosed with OCD (also clinical depression and aggression-internal, relax). I'm 19 and I'm sure I've had this all my life up to this point.

I may not exhibit some of the more classic symptoms but I still do some unusual things. Some of my friends think my OCD is funny, at times it is(For instance, I was helping clean out soda and water bottles for a recycling and I had set them up so nicely to dry, then they all fell over. I totally freaked, but I laughed, set them up again and left before it could happen again). Unfortunately most get frustrated with me when I insisting on doing things a certain way.

I like smooth jazz and classical music, reading science magazines, and learning about the human mind. I love cats :1cat: :cat_jumps: , we have one gray and white tabby, he's so sweet . He keeps me relatively sane

I am going to a community college, then I'll transfer to a university where I hope to eventually get my master's in psychology. I considering getting a higher degree after, but I'll decide when I get to that bridge.

I have days where I'm really lonely and sad because all my friends have gone off to other colleges, but I keep myself busy with school, finding a job, and trying to launch a new website. Of course, I always remember my loving family and the support they give. Taking up martial arts has been one of the best decisions I have ever made, even if I don't feel like going, I always feel better afterward.

Welcome! martial arts are a good form of exercise as everything is controlled. It is hard as Wintr months arrive to get out of the house after dark but it does do us good!

Hi everyone! My name is Allie and I'm almost 17. I've had trichotillomania since I was 12. I'm also diagnosed with anxiety disorders and depression. I'm really excited to be on here because I think it's good for me to talk about this but I hate talking about it because I think unless your experiencing it, you have no idea what it's like. Therefore, since I know nobody who had trich, I don't talk about it! Anyways, I'm in therapy and although I'd really just like to focus on the trich, my therapist thinks that we need to work more with my cutting but I'm trying really hard to stop both! I recently started taking celexa and I'm hoping that's going to help. So I'm excited to talk to all of you!

Welcome! You are not alone <WAVE> - try working out what stressors you most of all - journalling can help as we can vent, vent, vent ....... when we take on too much responsibility our anxities can take over and our 'bad' habits become too much to control. Keep posting! We're here to listen ......

Hi, I'm new here.

I'm 19 years old and an English girl now living in Sweden. I realised that I had OCD when I was 15, although looking back I can see traits of it in me when I was much younger. I also have acute depression and have twice been hospitalised because of the combination of them both.

I live with my fiancé who also has OCD, although our OCDs are different in some ways to each other so it makes it easier to help each other in the fight against the OCD.

Northern Star

You are very welcome! It's been very cold in the UK - how is it 'up' north?

Browse through our 'rooms' and join in! There's lots doing on here so you are bound to find topics of interest. How long will you be living in Sweden?

Thanks for the warm welcome Lizzy .

I grew up in Manchester so I thought I was used to the cold until I moved here! The temperature varies widely here, but at the moment I think it's about minus 26 brrrrrrrrrr.

Hopefully I'll be living in Sweden for ever, but am waiting for my immigration application to be accepted here.

How are your knitting skills LOL?

Is it a dry cold?

I would like to visit Denmark but won't fly and don't like the sea. Anxieties rise +++ being surrounded by people is my biggest hurdle.

How are you today? It's crisp with blue skies here in Northants!

Hello (stands up) I am Chris, I am 16. I am from Maine (no accent here) and I have OCD and depression. I have had OCD for a while now. I have begun to notice this from when I was younger. I became aware of what was going on in health class. Some of my common things are:

Checking that I shut things off

Making bed constantly

Straightening my movies, shoes, magazines etc., making them perfectly allined and ordered.

Checking that my alarm is set.

Checking that doors, windows are locked, shades drawn several times

Constantly checking rooms before I leave them incase something needs to be moved into the right place

Counting the broken lines on the road (not quite sure if that counts).

These can get in the way allot sometimes. They get in the way of school work and practice. I can't let these things go undone, or else they bother me all day, and then I can't concentrate. No matter how hard I try I can't not do some of these, and if I can it won't be long before I feel I must. The broken lines, I am still not sure if that is an obessive complusive thing yet. Whenever I am on the road and I see the broken lines I have to count them and see if it was an odd or even grouping and see if there's more odd then even.

I play the guitar mostly classic rock and folk rock. I enjoy oldies for music (Beatles, Bob Dylan, Warren Zevon, Rolling Stones, Simon & Garfunkel). I like to read Tom Clancy, Michael Crichton, H. G. Wells, snd about music and poetry. I love cats :1cat: , and are not to fond of dogs (they bite too much). I write music/ poetry, and study WW2 (mostly the Russian side of the war). I also enjoy listening to old records, and big on peace.

WELCOME <WAVE> Chris

You are in Good Company!

Checking that I shut things off
Making bed constantly
Straightening my movies, shoes, magazines etc., making them perfectly allined and ordered.
Checking that my alarm is set.
Checking that doors, windows are locked, shades drawn several times
Constantly checking rooms before I leave them incase something needs to be moved into the right place
Counting the broken lines on the road (not quite sure if that counts).

I would consider any of the above as within normal limits for OCD especially worse when our stressors are bad. Some of them are logical: until the habits get to be taking over your life. How do you feel if you try to ignore them? I have a friend who likes ornaments so to prevent others in the household moving them 'out' of line, she stands them on blue-tak which keeps them firm. She no longer has to worry!

I'm great at checking doors, windows, alarm clocks - if things get excessive I make lists of when I should be doing so and if it gets more than on the list I take a walk round our garden or type here!

How are you todaY?

Hello,

I've introduced myself elsewhere, so there's not much to say. I'm turning twenty in just over a week, and I'm a student. I flat with four friends, in part to curb my obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Anxiety and obsessive-compulsive behaviour were problems for me well before depression.

Thankfully, I'm in some sort of remission, and I can get by most days without spending more than a few minutes on the thoughts that used to take up most of my time. However, I still receive reminders that OCD could take over at any time, and this keeps me vigilant.

My OCD peaked last year when I lived on my own. Arranging my belongings became such a nightmare that I began to throw them away. I had done this in the past, but never to the extent that I did last year. I donated all of my furniture to The Salvation Army because I was spending all day arranging, rearranging, and aligning. Eventually, my house looked as though no one lived there. I didn't even own a bed (I slept in a sleeping bag on the floor).

My other troubles include cleaning (vacuuming for hours so that the carpet looks right), and ruminating about civil disasters and the like (How prepared would I be if there was an evacuation tonight? What if there's a fire? What if there's an earthquake?).

I recently attached all of my photos to the walls with 3M poster strips because they will be more difficult to remove. I don't want to end up in a bare-walled, empty cell like I have in the past.

Hope I can get to know you guys. No one really understands OCD unless they've experienced it.

I can TOTALLY relate Chris! I have all those lovely OCD qualities too!

Hi, I'm Crissy (32), a mom from...you guessed it...Texas. I've had OCD for as long as I can remember. Along with all of the things that Chris has listed...I can relate to many others...even the woman who has the obsessive thought that her husband is cheating when in relalistic thought....I too know it is impossible...but I allow these thoughts to persist. I had a wierd/crappy childhood too. My dad has been married 7 times. Step witch #5 beat the crap out of my brother and I as a past time I honestly believe. She had no reason to hate either of us...we were children for goodness sakes (hmmmm...maybe that was it....anyhoo)...I also have had obessive thoughts that I will be like her or even my father since I'm on my 2nd marriage. My biggest form of OCD is cleaning. Everything must be perfect and in order. So many times I actually feel like Bree from Desperate Housewives. Here I am trying to live this picture perfect life on the exterior and on the inside felt like I was killing myself trying to be something I'm really not (of course excessive hand washing went along with this too....something about germs and it being my mission to rid my family of them all) I'd go as far as cleaning my home as early as 4am...do 3-4 loads of laundry BEFORE I went to work...obessively mop by hand...check and re-check everything...find "new" things to clean and actually be giddy about it. Cleaning has always had this wierd/releaving quality about it...for instance...vacumming or steam cleaning my carpets brought such gratification and calm to my mind. I know, I know, I'm use to hearing..."and you think that is a problem?" Yes, when it takes time away from my family...it is a grave problem...when I'd obsess over a "mess" in my home...knowing one of my kids spilled something and my overly-cluttered brain forgot to clean it up as I'm pulling out of the driveway to take them to the zoo and turnaround to clean it...geesh.

I've been posting for a while already...so I basically went about this a little backwards...as I seem to do with most things in life...lol...so hello OCDers!

Rabbit....I can totally relate with you too!!!! When we thought we would be hit by the same disaster that hit New Orleans...I went out and purchased enough water for the block, batteries, canned goods...I just went a little overboard...lol. I'm hoping to make more friends on this portion of the site too! Nice to "meet" you!

Welcome New Members <WAVE> you are not alone. Are you able to share how you control any of the compulsions? I make lists so that I can see when I'm going 'over' board. After 9/11 I bought lots of tinned goods and stuffed at the back of our pantry: of course we haven't needed to be incarcarated and gradually the tins got out of date! Hubby found them recently: it's the first time I've ever hidden anything in 30 odd years and I was SO embarrassed.

But at least I didn't buy batteries - but they should be on the emergency list too <wink>

How's everyone today?

Hey! I'm Ashley from Florida. I'm 21 years old and I'm a student at The George Washington University in Washington, D.C. majoring in Business Administration with a concentration in marketing.

I have been suffering with OCD for as long as I can remember. I was finally diagnosed with OCD and ADD about 6 years ago and have been on different medicines since. I've tried Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, and Cymbalta for OCD and Adderall and Strattera for ADD. The drugs and therapy have worked wonders for me. Right after I started taking them, I went from being afraid to even talk to my peers to hanging out with the "popular girls" in high school. I also went from never being able to sleep at night due to anxiety to getting all the sleep I needed. Finally, after about 5 years on meds with theraphy, I got rid of almost all of my compulsions! My main problem now is all of the weight gain I've experienced from the antidepressants. I've gained over 70 pounds now because of them and I'm almost obese!

Anyway, before I took medicine, my obsessions were of death, dying, the way I looked, and my grades. I was always a perfectionist, so if I got a 99 on a quiz, I might cry. I had several rituals revolving around the way I looked...what side of the bed I slept on, what color towel I used, I had to hold soda cans under my eyes all the time, what color hair tie I used, this weird "routine" I'd perform in the shower which involved the order of things I did and also thinking about every body part of mine and putting each under the water individually. If I didn't do any of these things, I thought I'd look ugly and have bad luck that day. I was anorexic for a few years in junior high through high school due to this perfectionist attitude. I was also always obsessed with the number 3...and 9 (bec it's 3 times 3). I'd eat everything in 3's, think in 3's, do many things 3 times...like flash a light switch 3 times before leaving a room (and if I didn't I thought I'd die). The fear of death was the worst part...and I still have high anxiety over being killed somehow, but it's much better than before. I literally remember in kindergarten being scared that the trees outside my window were going to kill me, and that an invisible dog was after me. Then, a family friend passed away, and a girl at my school had a heart aneurysm. I started having anxiety attacks where I'd beg my parents to bring me to the ER fairly constantly. I also always thought I was dying of a brain tumor or cancer. I would line up all of my stuffed animals around me in bed to "protect me from being shot" at night. I'm still scared of being in front of windows at night because I'm scared i'll be shot. I always think there's someone behind me at night or there's someone in my house. For years, my parents coudln't sleep through the night because I had "night terrors" where I'd wake up running around in circles and screaming...but in the morning I would never remember it.

So...that's a little history on me...there are so many other OCD things that I did...but I think that's enough for people to read for now!

This post has been edited by SweetieGurl33: Mar 27 2006, 08:45 AM

Welcome to our Room Ashley <wave>

You are not alone - just browse here! The more stressors we have in our lives the more our rituals bother us! Little steps ........

Lizzy, I have no real way of controlling it....I liked it...I really believe that it gives me a sense of order and accomplishment...I'm sure in a wierd way of course! lol I've been on cymbalta for over a month now and it has done wonders for my OCD...my house is definately suffering the most though. It is wierd...it is like I'm in another body...lol...like my brain is looking out of the eyes of another human being and I'm observing the mess but not doing too much about it. Yes, it freaks me out in a mild mannered way...but again, I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off....lol. I'm still somewhat freakish about my whole germ thing...but not near to the degree I was. There has been such an improvement that my family comments positively on how I'm not freaking out over messes they don't even see or stuff the kids do.

Ashley....come over to the cymbalta threads/board and share your stories if you are still on cym! I too can relate to the eating issues as well...I think it goes hand in hand with the whole perfectionist thing! :)

Hello,
My name is Jeanie and im from Ladson, SC. I have had OCD as far as I can remember. Not sure when though. I wash my hands alot. Probably I would say at least 20x or more everyday. Its gotten so bad that I wont even hold my sons hand or my husbands. I feel like if I touch it I will have germs crawling all over my skin. And thats with everything I touch. I do remember when I was little I used to close my closet door every night and look to see if our front door was locked. And also sleep with my head under the covers at night. Now I dont do these things as far as when I was little. So its kinda weird. Maybe I grew out of the head covering thing. And stuff but not the hand washing. Humm thats strange that made me think. I never relized I had a problem of OCD when I was little. I should tell my Doc. about this.

Welcome Jeanie! If I find myself hand washing too often I make a list of when I should do so and tick it off each time. When I notice that it's getting a lot I take a walk round the garden or go for a drive instead.

Have you thought of using cotton gloves to hold hands? You don't want to lose the sense of romance and contact - and cotton gloves can be rinsed and dried quickly.

Do you have extra stressors right now?

Hey everybody.

My name is Anthony. I'm 16, and live in Pennsylvania. A friend of mine linked me here just after finding it himself, and I'm quite happy about his finding. I've had OCD since around 3rd grade. I can remember it being mostly mathmatical things, which then turned into objects that didn't feel quite right when I put them down. I would keep moving them until they felt right. Now, I do it with just about everything; Doors, cups, clothes, my wallet, my computer mouse, etc. My life was and still is disrupted by these compulsions. Theres a lot more to it, but I won't go on.

Nice to be here. :)

Welcome Glowfood <wave>

How much acceptance do you have about your compulsions? Some of my irritating habits could soon become compulsions as there is a thin line - but I still keep doing them: certain situations 'allow' certain habits :-))). If I am stressed however then they bother me more!

edited for abuse

This post has been edited by Glowfood: Mar 20 2007, 09:54 PM

If you don't put the 'mouse' back exactly in the correct place, what is the worst that could happen? How long have you sat and waited whilst the physical feelings happen? Do you move the 'mouse' in order to stop the feelings - have you tried waiting?

You have answered my question - you don't accept your compulsions, you act on them - i.e. the need to put the mouse in the correct place.

Ah I see what you mean now. :)

I get anxious when I need to check my chin for hairs :-) or if I want to go into town even if I don't actually need much shopping. I have to get on with it, or I get restless. Yesterday it was weeding the garden; good job done, it took 5 hours!

At least it's useful :-))))

New Member. saying hello.
i believe i have a little of this but i jump into something full steam only to almost never finish it because im never happy with it.

Welcome to our room 'Justtired'. You'll find plenty to join in with. I too jump in with great enthusiasm, I put my heart and soul into new projects - I can't seem to stop focussing on it until I've worn it out! It either goes to a nice conclusion or I don't complete it for various reasons.

HI, I'm from Florida, and I suffer from OCD. I was diagnose with it last year. Of course the things that drive me crazy seems normal to me, but I was told it's not. I also suffer from Anxiety disorder.
I was alright many years ago, but I had a major upset in my life. I'm not able to kick this problem, and it's really messing up my relationship with my oldest daughter (she's 19). I'm really trying to get better, and I'm really trying to have a positive attuide. My counselor gave me this web-site and she also suggested to give it to my daughter. I haven't yet, but I know I need to. Well, that's about it, not sure what else to say, except I'm happy I've found this forum.

Welcome to our World! <WAVE>

Teens+ are not easy people to get along with! They are between the devil and the deep: wanting to be more independent but relying on adults for guidance: the 2 don't always mix! If you look through our relationship 'room' you will find threads that might help.

Are you able to enlarge on the problem which is holding you 'back'? We have several areas where you might find it appropriate to tell us more.

OCD can be made worse when we are anxious - I find making lists helps a lot! Keep posting ......

I’m a 24-year-old graduate student. I have been diagnosed with OCD and bi-polar disorder. The OCD is the greatest struggle because it is present every day, while the BP symptoms come and go. I have tried therapy, with some very bad and some OK experiences. Medication is the only thing that allows me to feel normal. I have been misdiagnosed, lied to, ignored and suffered allergic and mental reactions to medication. The only thing that helps me survive is my strong support system. My mother is my rock, and even though she admits she doesn’t always understand my behaviors or reactions, she encourages me to be myself and thrive.

I have no doubt mental illnesses are inherited…there is ample evidence with my paternal grandma and father.

Because I know I am not crazy or to blame for my problems, I take my medication faithfully, even when I feel fine. And, I talk about my ‘issues’ with anyone and everyone who will listen. I am not embarrassed by something I cannot change. I have educated some, hit stonewalls of ignorance, and encouraged others to get help. It took years for me to become comfortable with my issues and I refuse to let anyone make me feel bad about them now.

However, I must admit, it is hard only to have confidants who understand the theory, not the anxiety, the compulsions, the anger, the frustration and the confusion I feel nearly every day.

This post has been edited by emmaline704: Jul 30 2006, 10:22 PM

Welcome new members <wave>!

OCD is what it says - obsessive compulsive disorder. It covers a wide range of problems. If the OCD overcomes our daily life and becomes a problem we need to seek help: and that help will vary between doctors! Cognitive behaviour therapy never helped me. My habits and phobia are deeply engrained from 24 hours of being born, therefore are reflex - talking about changing habits cannot help howmy physical feelings take over my body and brain.

We have to consider all options then use what suits us all - as individuals we will react and respond differently to many types of help.

I have made the Link a closed thread for review. If anyone needs more info please PM the member - thanks.

This post has been edited by Lizzy: Aug 1 2006, 06:25 AM

Hi everyone,

I don't think I have OCD, but I might have OCD tendencies...

--staying on the computer for way too long and always checking the same websites, even if I'm bored on them, and time passes quickly.
--Having a desire to clean my room and organize things, especially the basement, but never doing it because I have work, and after work, I feel like I won't have enough time to clean anything, so I retreat to the computer, or I'll do something else, like maybe watch a movie..... but then I'll most likely still go on the computer after that. On weekends, I'm usually too busy doing something else to even bother with cleaning my room.
--Perfectionism... I think I'm paranoid that if I don't put enough hours into my homework, I'll get a poor grade, due to making careless mistakes, missing an entire topic or point that needs to be covered, etc. Maybe it's because I have a bad tendency of misreading directions and then messing things up. This has been since second grade, I believe. Anyway, this past year was even worse than high school; I would literally spend hours in the study lounge but come back with pretty much nothing done (so obviously, starting things early doesn't even work...). Then, at the last minute, as in, the night before the paper is due, I will pull an all-nighter to finish it. I almost feel that if I don't pull an all-nighter, my paper will not be as good as it could have been. Also, in the past (as in, in middle school), if I ever happened to finish something early, and a friend was still working on his or her assignmenet, I would feel like I completely missed a step and still have more work to do. Basically, I am not very confident when handing things in if I finished them early.
--When I was younger, I would have to make the sign of the cross an even number of times when praying, or else I thought God wouldn't hear my prayers, or maybe something bad might happen? I think.
--I used to count silently, with my mouth closed, but move my tongue up, down, left, and then right sometimes... no idea if that's significant in this explanation. I rarely ever do this now, and it was never an actual problem or anything.
--I used to count the spaces between lines on the highway/ road, including the shoulder of the road, and I still do this today. I try to see if I can count the spaces accurately and fast, as if it's practice for helping me not be slow (since I feel like I'm slow at everything involving school/numbers/reading).
--I harp on decisions: whether or not to buy that pair of shoes that I really like but don't need, the backpack that I've wanted for a year but don't need anymore, whether to buy only one shirt of all three of the ones that I like but don't need, whether to go here or there and get back in time for whatever; what I'm going to do when I get back home from work or some place, etc.... whenever little things like that are on my mind, I can't get rid of the thought of them.

So that's me.... thanks if anyone read that; I know I suck at summarazing things :(. Does anyone know how to get rid of the problem of feeling like there is NO TIME, and then just not doing what needs to be done? I don't know if I'm just plane lazy (which I know I am, but maybe that's not the entire issue) or if maybe I have a problem of some sort?? Or if this is just some self-fulfilling prophecy? Sigh. I don't know, but I'm desperate for something to improve my terrible time wasting habits... I need to get things done, and at a decent pace. I hate feeling slow all the time :(

This post has been edited by acdc111999: Aug 19 2006, 11:42 PM

Welcome! You have described generalised depressive symptoms with a bit of OCD thrown in! This may or may not be helped by talking to your doctor. In the mean-time join in here <WAVE> - start a thread to see what responses you get.


Motivation is classic of those who suffer depression or have extremely busy lives. I find I can put off even the most important chores! Then I wake in the night and worry about not having done them .......

I make lists - essential shopping, housework, letters to write ......... ticking the items off helps: sometimes. But when I am very tired, I lack impetus to do even the simplest of things, although my mind is racing with everything that I should be doing! Few of us are lazy - many of us lack motivation and/or energy! Join The Club!

Hi,

Im Abi and I'm 16 and have been depressed about 4 years now because of various health issues and such. I developed OCD about 3 years ago.

Main one is the handwashing but I'm started to get a hand on that and kicking it in the butt lol. I have certain numbers for certain things I touch, e.g. touch the teapot and I have to wash my hands 12 times, but touch the sink whilst washing my hands and have to add an extra four. Some things I only have to do 4-7 times. I've never found it particulary frustrating, ok my life would probably be a lot easier if I didnt have this, espically at school I'm worried what people think of me going into the toliet so often lol. But about a month ago I blurted it all out after he was being quite rude about a couple of people at his work with OCD. Boy did I regret doing that (they didnt know about my depression or OCD, still dont know about the depression) He said he wouldnt tell anyone but it seemed my mum wasnt in that list! I was angry at him and hurt because I knew my mum would tell everyone who would listen, so now my whole family know and probably most of her friends. I even found my dentist knew all my medical problems!! He was great about it, letting me fight my own battles but my mum was a bit overly pushy, thinking I should just get over it in one try but if that was possibly I wouldnt have OCD, we had many arguements with me crying when I go out the room (really didnt help the depression) because she would do things that made me have to touch them, she then threatens to not allow any soap in the house, but I know that was an empty threat, and if I didnt beat this by the end of the summer I had to see a therapist, well I didnt want to go see one so I decided to take it into my own hands, excuse the slight pun. I think shes just scared Ill turn into my uncle as both my nan and my uncle on my mum's side had/has extreme OCD.

The other is routines, I have to take everything off my bed and check it, look at all the walls, floor, ceiling in my room before I go to bed every night, done this for years, I used to have to check cuboards but I stopped that.

Anyway, yes thats me

Thanks for listening,
Abi

Welcome! When I find myself hand-washing a lot I make a list of those times I need to do so - ticked off it reminds me that it's done! Go do something else ...... usually for me it's a walk round our garden.

If you are an overly anxious family then OCD can manifest itself as a survival route. You will find it does bother some people but hey, it's your World! If you are dealing OK with your routine then fine! It's good to check our rooms at night, I glance round our bedroom, see the clutter and dive under the covers :-)))). Sometimes it bothers me a lot, there is one area that hubby constantly messes up ........ <growl> so occasionally I make him tidy it.

What will happen if you don't go through your rituals? Are you able to share?

Thanks for replying

I like your attitude on the subject The diving under the covers thing is what i do lol, if my room is a tip I try to refrain from cleaning it up at midnight!

As for what will happen if I dont go through the rituals, well for handwashing I get extremely panicky that I will become ill, well more ill, but with like bugs or virsuses, seems silly to think about when I have a chronic disease, but I have a BIG fear of being physically sick, so I do whatevers necessary to ensure that doesnt happen.

Take today for example, today I spent the whole day sorting out my room, it took me....around 8 hours and its not a particulary big room but it took me so long because I had to stop between jobs to wash my hands 13 times so I dont spread anything. I did panick briefly when I realised I had done it today and that I'm going out on tuesday (I have to make sure I'm free for the entire day, 2 days after I do anything like this if that makes sense, so if I am ill Im not out anywhere) But I just told myself to stop being silly and got on with it, but I was very careful. I'm happy I did it though, the room feels much cleaner now and part of my brain knows I'm safe, just wish the other part knew!

I have to do it though, the hand washing, if I touch something I shouldnt I can actually feel something on my hands till I go wash it off. Its really strange.

As for the looking round the room and bed its more just simply because I have found in the past bugs in my bed, spiders etc, really really freaks me out! so I have to check it every night, it used to be when I was younger I had to check everywhere incase someone was in my room, I had a big fear of that espically since I have had big, full wall to ceiling size wardrobes since I moved house. But these two are more just fears building into rountines.

Thats it for me

Thanks for listening,
Take care,
Abi

You're welcome <WAVE>

Hello...I am not exactly sure if this is how you post..but I´ll give it a whirl. I have just started taking Cipralex. Ha! Today...half a pill...of 15mg. Anyway I have taken many other meds in the past when I was 21. I am 28 and giving it a second shot. For the last 7 years my life has changed drastically. I can go in to detail on a later post. I now live in a European country...I will be teaching English but at the moment I am waiting for residency permits.

Let me describe some of my obsessions if you will. Ok usually it is when I am having to focus in on a conversation. I usually find myself looking everywhere on the persons face but their eyes. I then get these odd thoughts...they range and vary all the time depending on the situation. When I am with some people I can see me doing sexual things to them....but guess what...I am not attracted to them. I have had these irrational, distgusting, images even with my Mom and Dad as well as other random people...I have caught myself taking a glimpse of private parts of the body hoping I don´t get caught!! Wow! It´s ridiculous...I am not a sex freak...I don´t enjoy making others uncomfortable but yet it never fails when I am talking to someone face to face. Hey I prefer walking around when I am talking so I don´t have to make 100% eye contact. Well this all sounds strange but that´s just one of my obsessions.

My other prominent obsession is thinking of the worst thing that could happen in every situation I am in. Right now I have free time so I am spending alot of time at my future in-laws house while my boyfriend is at work. Now mind you I really like these people they are most pure people I have ever met. They are willing to do anything for me. They listen to me when I want to talk, take me any where I need to go, fix lunch for me every day. My God they are saints!! Yet...there it comes again...when we are eating lunch, I can see myself picking up the steak knife and stabbing her for example. What in the heck is that???!!!! What kind of wicked freaky thought is that???? I just am so glad that the head and brain are covered with skin and bone and is not made of glass. I always think....if people only could see these hellish thoughts, they´d put me away.

I care for people in general, enjoy helping others, but these goofy a@# thoughts are getting the best of me. Back to the topic, I have started taking Cipralex....I hope these give me some form of relief. I will have my residency soon here so I will begin working and I don´t want to encounter these thoughts....they truely make it a living hell to concentrate on work, reading, and just about everything that has to do with your actions from the minute you open your eyes in the morning.

Thanks for listening, let me know if any of this make sense.

Ok even though I have a fear of revealing my identity, I am now in Spain.

WELCOME! How's the weather in Spain?

I'm sure that every condition we encounter has a name! Sex is a complex subject: depending on upbringing, religion, culture ....... of course we are curious! Of course we can imagine people undressed - in fact I was told once that when in an interview for example, just imagine the Board without clothes! It can be very relaxing ........ can cause a secret grin ...... and makes people seem less scarey.

Our minds play tricks - I've had some of the symptoms you explain, but I have no intention of stabbing anyone in reality. <shrug>

Keep posting! All the World is strange except you and me: and even you are a little bit ...... <wink>

Well hello Lizzy, thanks for the response! I don´t know if I specified or not in my letter that these thoughts come to me but I would NEVER act upon them! I have read some other stories that have similar qualities of mine. They say that it is like a hic-cup in the brain....a symptom of ocd...a series of unwanted thoughts. I have no idea where they come from or why...and that´s the God´s honest truth. Isn´t that horrible...not knowing something....especially about yourself. Everyone that I meet always says "oh your so sweet, funny, pretty" whatever. And I appreciate it! But I don´t feel that way due to these thoughts I have....I feel it´s a lie...it´s a front. If people knew these thoughts I had they wouldn´t think I was so sweet and pretty. Anyway I have been on the Cipralex for 6 days now and maybe I can see a small difference. I want to feel on the inside what others see on the outside. Make sense?
Lizzy thanks again,
your very courtious
Lona

ps the weather is great here in spain just about 27 I am on the beatiful coast of the Mediterranean sea. It is the most gorgeous place...I wish my head was in the right spot to truely enjoy it. It´s a luxury no one should take for granted.