hi everyone

Hi being new to this, I find it difficult to put in writing what I am feeling. I usually keep it inside and everybody just thinks I am fine. So.... here goes.. Lately I have been wishing I would just die in my sleep. I am in a loveless relationship, I am 60 lbs over weight, I am missing several teeth, I work for a Doctor who should have retired a long time ago and treats all his employees like dirt. I am on the verge of losing my home due to financial problems. People would say, well, just get a new job ??? I have worked for this Doctor for 17 years, I will not be able to find another job that pays anywhere near what he pays me. I would like to seek help, but for financial reasons I can't. I do not have health or Dental insurance. I stay in my relationship also due to money. My weight is also due to depression, I am constantly hungry and eat EVERYTHING in sight !! Then I look at myself and think, if I manage to leave this relationship who is going to be interested in a fat 50 year old missing several teeth and broke ????? The only thing that brings me pleasure is hiking with my two dogs. I thought about trying to get a second job so I could get solvent again, but then I would have no time to spend with my dogs at all and would feel worse. So when I think about dying, I think, I don't have to lose weight, pay bills, get money to get my teeth fixed or work any more it sounds like a pretty good option. I am 50 and live paycheck to paycheck, I have no retirement or savings, I don't really feel there is a lot of good things to look forward to ??? If I win the lottery it would solve so many things, I could fix my teeth, leave my relationship quit my losey job and pay all my bills. Then all I would have to do is work on the weight !!! But that is not likely to happen. Thanks for taking time to read my miserable story.

to DF, peabody,
Thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone with us as we know depression only too well and waht it does to us.

I hear you about working for an ungrateful doc and not being able to find another postion with the same pay. I worked for a medical software/consulting company (I audited hospital accounts for Managed Care contract compliance and collected the amounts underpaid for the hospital) for many years. If I were to look for a job, the only place that might come up with the same salary would be a large hospital or group of hospitals (like Sutter Foundation). What will happen if he ever decides to retire? Is there another doc in the practice? I'm surprised there isn't some form of health/dental insurance coverage for you and others in the office.

I've run up a huge bill with my dentist. He allows me to pay what I can on the bill. I'm on SSD which doesn't pay much and, like you, making ends meet is very difficult every month. Does your partner help with expenses?

Regarding weight, try changing to a low fat/high fiber diet. Replace junk food that you are probably eating as "snacks" with carrots, celery or fruit. Those are beneficial and needed as roughage in daily diets. I switched over many years ago to this type of diet to control cholesterol and weight. Both are in the normal range and I feel better physically. You might consider making the dietary change.

If you have the energy after working a full day at the doc's, you might consider a part-time job for the evenings. Most of those types of jobs are in retail or fast food, but there are other companies looking for part-time evening help. If you could find something like that that doesn't entail weekend work, you'd still have time to spend with your dogs.

Sheepwoman

Well im going to introduce myself.

Im Lauren, im 20 years old.
Ive suffered with Depression and self harm for 8 years.
When i was 12 i was admitted to an psychiatric unit. I spent most of my teenage years there. Until one day i decided that i was going to die in that ward, i decided to run away. I packed my things, left my Mum a note and i got on a plane to another state that night. I stopped taking my meds, i stopped seeing and talking to all of my therapists and my psychiatrist said that because i had left the state she couldnt look after me anymore and if i didnt return after 3 months then i wouldnt be her paitent anymore. They sent the police around looking for me, but they couldnt make me go back. So here i am at the age of twenty, alone and helpless. So much has happened, so much is still happening and i cant cope...so ive come here....



This post has been edited by _Lauren_: Jul 14 2009, 01:36 AM

HI Lauren
So who have you lived with since then Lauren?
I'm really sorry that you're struggling right now but hopefully you'll find this place helpful. How are you doing with the self-harm?
We do have a forum here that's password protected where you can discuss your issues with self-harm. Just pm any of the moderators or admin if yo'd like the password.
Make yourself feel at home.

PRT xx

I have no freaking idea why I'm even here. There is no reason for me to be here. I have awesome friends and family without whom I would be even worse then I have been. While I've never been officially diagnosed with depression there is little doubt in my mind what the prognosis would be. I'm 19 going on 20 in August and quite frankly have absolutely no self-esteem at all. I hate who I am and sometimes think everyone I know would be better off without me. I'm not self destructive (yet) but I'm self-Apathetic. Until something actually goes right in my life I feel like I just don't have any energy to try anything anymore. I've tried over and over again to make something positive happen with my life but I never get anything that sticks. No matter what I do it seems like my life is stuck on a constant loops and is going absolutely nowhere.

Here is what is going for me:

1.) I'm a student at one of the top universities in my state
2.) People (supposedly) think I'm a great person but I don't know why
3.) My friends know the state I'm in and choose to have me around anyways
4.) I'm not autistic like my younger brother.
5.) For the most part I can see the good in other people, at least I would like to think.

But then there is this other side of me that keeps telling me what a failure I am. I was always one of the top students in high school with a GPA of 3.8 so of course my perfectionist ways make me feel like I'm a loser for only getting about a 3.0 gpa. I had to give up on my first plans at a higher education and as a result the stupid side of my family who has never taken an interest in my life is suddenly looking at me as a ticket to their retirement but looks down on me even though the (explicatives) never even went to college, let alone graduated high school.

And then of course there is the whole male pride issue which always beats me. I'm nearly 20 and have never been in a relationship of any kind. One fling which was enough to let me know what I was missing out on, but didn't last nearly long enough to make it really feel like I had something for any period of time. What's worse is practically all my friends are in some sort of relationship and all I can do is sit back and smile saying "I'm happy for you" when in reality I'm envious of each and every one of them for what they have. But I'm a GUY. I'm not supposed to have these thoughts and feelings am I? I really hate it when people tell me by not knowing loss is better than having feelings and losing them. I don't care what anyone says. For me, it ISN'T. I just want to be able to be somewhat romantic around a woman I care about, but the older I get, the more my hope dwindles and the more my lack of self-confidence builds which only serves to feed my depression, and the less likely I am to ever act on any impulse of attraction.

To make things worse I'm currently living without the internet. And since the net is the standard method of communication now, I just feel like I fall off the face of the planet when I go home from college. The only reason I can post this is because I'm staying with friends right now who have internet access. In 5 days I'm going to lose that and fade away back into obscurity. I just figured I may as well post this now so I can at least bookmark the page and try to vent something. I just hate being a constant cloud that drags a room down with me. I'm depressed and because of that my parents feel like failures when in fact there are times when they and my friends are the only people who keep me going. (Even though I am completely envious of their freaking relationships :P). I'm even MORE depressed because I'm depressed and know it. This constant feeling seems often times cyclic and I feel like there is no way out.

I'm losing hope for anything to ever simply make me happy. I don't know why my friends stick with me. I'm not a fun person to be around these days. There used to be a time where I was confident in myself to a degree where it was borderline arrogance. Where I thought I knew what I was doing and where I was going in life. Now I just don't know anymore and I don't want to be a burden to my friends anymore. I just hate my life and the person I have become. I feel like I have no redeemable qualities.

I know there are people in SO much worse situations in life than me. So why do I still feel so miserable all the time?

to DF, Doorless_Hallway,

Sorry you're losing your Internet connection. If there's a Starbucks in your location, the usually have Internet connection available. You might want to give that a try.

Read the Depression link on the Portal (first page where you enter the forums). If you can relate to 3 or more of the symptoms listed, you need to seek professional help.

Do you know if your parents' health plan still covers you? If so, get the subscriber info (name of the subscriber, account #, group# and their telephone #), give them a call for approved in network providers (psychologists and psychiatrists) in your area and ask if you need a referral. Some insurances require referrals from primary care doctors, so you may need to have one of those also, If you're not covered, go to the Student Health Center on your campus. They can help you.

Glad that you have joined our support community. Please start your own topic in Depression Central and continue posting. We're here to listen, give support, feedback and share our experiences with you. You're definitely not alone with us.

Sheepwoman

Hi everyone I'm parmenio. I am not sure how long I have been depressed but I have been diagnosed and been going to therapy for the past year and a half. I came along this website and it seems good. I hope to be able to share my problems with you all and support you if I can.

Welcome Parmenio, You will find this forum most welcoming and full of caring and suppotive members. Feel free to start your own topic on Depression Central and share what's going on in your life!
Iowa

Don't know what to say here. Looking for some support maybe. 34 male. I've been living with depression as long as I can remember. Looking forward to hopefully talking with some people that understand what its like.

Welcome, Matt.

You're in a very wonderful place here...glad to have you!

Welcome to DF, matt61375
You've come to the right for support. We all know depression well and what it does to us. Make yourself comfort able, join in any room or you may start a topic of your own on the forum.
Sheepwoman

Hi Everyone.

This is my frist step in talking about my depression.
I been living with depression for approx 10 years, but I have always did my best to hide from family and friends.
Over the last fews years it has gotten very bad and it seems I cannot hide this from people who are close to me.
Also, im very tired hiding this and have the urge to come forward and face this, instead of hiding from it.

I am 34yr old male.
Over the years I found myself getting into a "rut" for a few weeks/months. I would always look to make a major change in my life such as moving to a new apartment or city, but after a short while I would get back into my rut.

I have never gone to the doctor or mentioned this to anyone, specifically becase I never wanted my "issue" documented and I would be on the books as having mental health issues. Also, I am not a fan of perscriptions and realize that I would likely be given this when I go to the doctor.

The last few years it has gotten really bad, I have stopped talking to ALL of my friends.
I have no social life and have cut off everyone important to me except my immediate family members.
Here are a few major things which my depression has affected my life.

~ daily highs and lows, one moment I feel on top of the world and great, but a few hours later I feel very low.

~ I work full time, but outside of work I sleep alot, 10 plus hours a night, plus on weekends I will nap 4-5 hours on sat and sun aswell.

~ I have a high level of anxiety, I worry about things all the time and cannot get things out of my mind. I worry about the most simple things that I worry about for hours/days.

~ A few years ago I moved away from my family and friends for work for 2 years. During this time I went thru a entire 1 year period where I would work...then go straight to bed...approx 14 hours every day....on weekends I would go out for a few hours, but mostly was just in bed the entire time. I did this for a entire year......

~ I have gained ALOT of weight over the last few years and it is now affecting my health.

~ I work full time and my depression is now affecting my job. I find it very hard to get out of bed to work and dread sitting at my desk to work, all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep.

Its gotten to the point where my family MUST know that I have a serious problem and feel that I need to get help.
I am scared that if I do not step forward now and attempt to get help, that my mental health will continue to get bad and my quality of life will be deminished.

I am hoping that taking the steps forward will lead me in the right direction and take control of my life.

to DF bkid,

I am sorry you are feeling so down. Maybe a trip to the doctors wouldn't be such a bad idea. Most times meds help to get rid of depression and then it is easier to live a full and happy life. Alot of people do! Hopefully you will read some of the sicess storys here on DF that people have moved on to better happier and healthy lives. I hope you find your way soon.

Welcome to the forum and congrats on taking that often difficult first step to start talking about your problems. I can tell you that you are NOT alone in how you feel. You can conquer this! I have lived with depression all of my life..I know it's not something you just "get over" but you will find that talking about it with people that can you can relate to can help you so much more than you have ever imagined. Glad to have you here.

Hello all. You can call me Adam, I'm 21 years old. I went through a period of my life that was so dark, I blacked it out. It's left me feeling like I'm missing a very important piece of myself. I don't know what brought it on, but it was the most intense sensation I had ever had....I have a thread on the matter.

HI Adam,

Sorry that you've been through so much at such a relatively young age. I really hope you can somehow find this missing piece and start to feel a bit happier. You're very welcome here!

PRT xx

Welcome, Lauren!

I'm pretty new to DF myself, but so far, it's been a great place to find support and help. There are many others here who struggle with the same kinds of things that you do (everyone is different, of course), and they are all very willing to lend advice or just an open ear.

Blessings,
Clementine

Welcome Doorless_Hallway!
You sound like an absolutely wonderful person who's going through some tough depression. Depression can strike anyone, no matter how otherwise healthy or accomplished they are. You will find many others here who have similar feelings (not the same, probably, because everyone's different) and can help you in many different ways. Also, have you tried to see a doctor or a counselor? Colleges usually offer counseling services for free or very cheaply.
One last thing: depression does not make you a failure. It is a serious mental disease that can hurt every part of an affected person's life. If you feel like you're failing in life, that's the depression talking--you yourself are NOT a failure.

Blessings,
Clementine

Hi there,

I'm Jorge, 21 y/o, I dont feel like i should be here, because i know there is people here with actual depression, but i do have some questions.I really don't know if I'm depressed, I don't think I am, I'm actually a pretty happy person, i hate being mad, i hate negativity, co-workers have actually gotten mad at me for always having a smile on my face, but sometimes i just don't feel the need to live...i just dont want to, i do think about committing suicide quite a bit, I have had these thoughts for a very long time. Its not as if I'm a lonely person or anything, I have friends and stuff, i love my job, I love my family. But why do i feel this way? why do i have these thoughts? Ive thought that the only reason i havnt acted on my thoughts is because i cant obtain the resources that i prefer to act with, and the reason im really happy is to cover something up, but what? Any advise would be great, just msg me.

Very Respectfully,
Jorge

Hi and Welcome Jorge

You are more than welcome here no matter what you feel like. Thoughts of suicide are a sure sign that you need professional help and I am no professional, but that pretty much is a huge part of depression. Many people with depression wear a mask and seem happy on the outside. Please seek help for this. There is help. Making a doctors appointment is the best place to start. You can feel better, there is help.

Trace

Hello and welcome to DF, Jorge. I agree with what Trace says..I think you should seek some sort of help..You don't necessarily have to be constantly sad and low in order to have depression. Something is going on.

Wishing you the best.

Hi

I am 39 and have been living with Social Phobia and Depression since the age of 15. I have become very socially isolated in the past 18 years and rely upon my Dad for a place to live. I have had a girlfriend since the age of 22, who I met during my first hospialisation post suicide attempt, but we do not live togethor as she does not work due to a rape that ended her career.

I have managed to work since I was 14, and have completed a bachelor degree, but I don't have the confidence to use my qualification. I work away on oil rigs as a semi skilled labourer, but I am still broke. I have a work history where I cannot stay in a job for more than 2 years, I either breakdown or try to find something that pays more. I have contemplated suicide a great deal during the past 4 years, but cannot seem to bring myself to do it.

I have great days where I feel optomistic and positive, then s*** seems to happen and remind me that any success I experience is quickly followed by failure.

I have been told that I am quite clever, but being clever does not help me feel better about myself, nor my future. I get sick of trying and things failing. I have this horrible nagging image/thought that my destiny is to end up living on the streets. I do not know where this maladaptive pattern of thinking/behaviour arises from, but it is driving me slowly insane.

Hi Hamsta, welcome to DF!

Things sound pretty tough for you. Social phobia can limit your life more than most things, but I'm glad you have some people there to support you. I am like you with the work issue. Have no confidence even though I have a degree and a postgraduate qualification. I also get itchy feet after a year or two and can't stay there any longer. I'm glad that you can't follow through with hurting yourself, it ould be such a waste.
It sounds like you're internalising a lot of these 'failures' which may actually not all be down to you but down to external circumstances.
Anyway, have a look around the site, I hope you find it useful.

PRT xx

Welcome, Hamsta!

You've come to a great place to vent and make friends.



xo

Hello,


I have depression and probably a whole bunch of personality disorders! I wanted to join because I am curious about other depressed people's lives and about depression in general and I would like to have a place where I can anonymously get things off my chest. I also hope to meet some nice, kind people here.

Hi and welcome Mizz_B!

Depression is a terrible thing to live with everyday, but this is a place where we can share experiences and gain knowledge and insight into our conditions. Check out the Personality Disorders room, there's all sorts of stuff in there. Have you been to your doctor at all?

Take care xx

Welcome, Mizz B!



This is a great place to make friends and read about others' lives and how we all relate to each other in some way. It's great to have you here.

xo

Hi,
My name is Kim and I've been battling depression for 20 yrs.
I'm happy to find a place, where I can be open and honest about my depression.
I'm looking forward to not only learning, but also sharing my experiences with depression.

Hi and Welcome to DF Kim

It is great to have you here and DF is a safe place, where you can be yourself and not be judged.
I am looking forward to reading your experiences.
Please make yourself feel at home.

Trace

hello, I've been on DF before but I didn't stay too long, and I cannot for the life of me remember why. Anyway I decided
to try it out again and umm... I can't believe how it's grown... massive. Enormous. Etc.
So.. I have depression, PTSD, Anxiety attacks, Social Anxiety, I self-harm, and I think I am bi-polar, but I have yet to have this one diagnosed... I am waiting for an counselling appointment at the moment.
My conditions/illnesses have worsened recently.


well that's me.


me

Hi, Sepultricpete!

Welcome to the forum, or rather welcome back to the forum :)
It`s a pretty big community, there are a lot of different people here supporting each other. I`m sorry to hear that your condition has worsened, but it`s good that you`re having a counselling appointment!

If you have any questions, just PM any moderator.

ChrystalR

Thanks

Hi. I'm 20, and I've been struggling with things for as long as I can remember. I dropped out of school at 16 due to social anxiety and mostly isolated myself since then. I've just lost a relationship that saved my life and gave me hope, but ended unbelievably bitterly and has left me wanting to die. I don't work, and have no one to turn to. I have no confidence in myself, ambition, or plans for my future. All I do is sit in bed all day thinking about the love of my life and the abusive guy she's with now.

Hi and Welcome mr kaplan

I am so sorry that your relationship ended, that is a huge trigger for depression. I hope we can help you find the motivation that you need to find yourself and feel better. You may also find the Relationship Room beneficial.
Please make yourself feel at home.

Trace

Hey everyone, I'm new here.
This is a bit hard for me to write/talk about, but I've decided it's time to try and gather my thoughts and talk about it.
I haven't been formally diagnosed with depression, mainly because I'm scared to seek help. I've taken tests online because I've been feeling particularly down, isolated and anti-social these past few months and want to know how serious my feelings are.
I still think that my feelings are irrational because nothing seriously tragic has happened to me or anything.

It's more like university is dragging me down and making me feel worse about myself. I am slowly realising my lack of social skills and my tendency to push people away even when I need people in my life. I haven't made any new friends at uni and I'm now in my second year, still holding onto my high school friends. I am so thankful I have family to keep me on the right track, but they are moving away soon and I will have to cope with all of this on my own. I am 19 and I don't know what I'm going to with myself without my family around, thinking about it makes me cry. I've been crying these past few days quite a bit because I feel so helpless and pathetic.

Furthermore, last semester I did really well with my grades and got high praise from everyone around me, but now I feel like there is so much pressure on me. I feel like I have to maintain those grades this semester, but I don't think I can do it. I have two essays due next week and I haven't started either of them because I have zero motivation. I've basically been going to class everyday, coming home, procrastinating on the internet, eating and sleeping. I feel so helpless, like nothing is in my control anymore. I wish I didn't have this extra pressure on me, but it's there and I have to confront it. Even though I'm not motivated to do any uni work, I know if my grades drop I'll feel like a failure even more than I already do. Since I started uni everything has changed, it's all be downhill for me. I hardly have a social life anymore but at least my family are still here. When they leave I'm going to be a mess... even more than I am now.

I should probably also mention I am only really interested in going out with friends if there's a chance of getting drunk. I only have a good time when alcohol is involved. I'm dependent upon it in social situations, it's the only way I open up and become fun and outgoing. I used to be so much fun back in my early teen years, there was always something to be excited about. Now days everything seems so pointless. The only thing that keeps me slightly interested in life is going out and getting wasted with the friends I do have. I really do wish I could be one of those carefree happy people who enjoy the simple things in life, like the beach or just going out with some friends with no drinking involved. When I see people talking and hanging out, having a good time, I really feel like I'm missing out on being young and fun. I'm sick of feeling alone, pathetic, tired and low. Getting up in the morning is a big effort, so is facing people in public.

The only thing that truly makes me happy anymore that isn't alcohol is music. I look forward to going to live shows and seeing my favourite bands. If it wasn't for music, then I would feel like I literally have nothing. Even though that might not be true.

Wow that was a lot to get out, I didn't know I had so much to say.

Hi and welcome to DF Tiffx

You've taken a really brave step in coming here and speaking yo openly about your illness, and it's just one step on the way to recovery.

Have you tried joining any societies or sports teams at uni? I was lucky when I went as a friend from my town went with me, but I'm sure your uni will have many different societies to suit your interests. If not, then go and speak to your student's union about setting your own one up!

A lot of people will admit that they can only have a good night out if they're drunk, but we have to find a way to be more confident without it.

It really sounds like you need someone to talk to, I'm sure your uni have a counsellor which you can go and see without needing to tell anyone else. Uni is a very stressful time, I know, I have been there. Your lecturers are there to support you, email them and let you know you are struggling with your essays and they may give you an extension. Also, go to your doctor, they will be able to help you.

Take care, and PM me or any other moderator if you have any questions. xx

Hi. I dont know if this is going to go through, but here goes. This is my first time on here, and it says to send a PM to advisor if have questions? I do. Can someone please tell me where to send my questions? Read over the site yesterday and am questioning if I have depression (like MD says) or not? Thanks, Just a wreck!! Really in need of answers. Thanks, Lynn

Hi and Welcome to DF Lynn

You are posting in the right place. You can ask general depression related questions on the boards. If you have any problems navigating the boards you can send a pm to a moderator or Admin. Basically moderators names are purple, Admins are red (I am an Admin) and Super Admins are blue. If you click on any of the names, it will take you to their profile, where on the left hand side under their personal pic, you can send them a pm.
Perhaps you would like to start your own topic.
Please make yourself feel at home.

Trace

Hello everyone,

I've got anger issues and I am hoping to find topics about it. I tend to break things when I'm extremely angry. A lot of shame goes with it. Most of the times I hold this urge in. I'm hoping to find others who have this urge as well.

Angel Demon