I was watching a movie earlier and something just hit me. The movie suddenly felt very boring so I got on the computer to play a game. I was sort of aggravated, but nothing I couldn't handle. Then the power went off. The power went off!!! That was it! I just snapped and everything turned black. I had couple of glasses on my desk here - threw them on the floor. Punched the closet door and then I kicked it in. I started marching back and forth around the house, looking for something to destroy. I hit my head in the cabinet few times and threw a PVC pipe that was lying around. I kicked a chair and that was pretty much it.

As a result my knuckles are red, my head sort of hurts, I feel nauseous and lightheaded and can't breathe.

I'm a guy and 24 year old. Got diagnosed with agoraphobia last year and for a short period of time I was on Seroxat. A year before that I started having severe episodes of social anxiety and panic attacks. I was shacking, couldn't breathe, felt like running away from whatever situation I was in.

I've had a few anger outbursts before, but not as nearly as vile as the one I got earlier so that goes to say that I'm not getting any better, I'm getting worse.

I'm single, probably depressed, and socially inadequate to the point where I can't land a date. And when I was younger (17-18) I thought I needed a girl to be happy, but then I realized I was wrong. Now, though, I really WANT to have a girl so that I can prove to myself that I'm normal and good for something at least. Can't bear the thought that tons of morons out there can muster up the courage and stupidity to talk to a chick and I even have a hard time going to the market to get some groceries. It's not fair. I never wanted to be anything exceptional or special. Just wanted a normal life with a normal job and a few friends. I am I not entitled to that much at least? Why should I take all that crap just so I can "enjoy life"? Where is the joy? No matter what I do or say, things only deteriorate to worse and worse and worse.

I use to find comfort in drawing, but lately I'm starting to hate it. It just doesn't bring me joy anymore. It's only good to distract myself from the next panic attack which counts for something I guess.

to DF Sable,
Sorry you are feeling this way. From what you have said I think maybe you should call you doc. You maybe need some meds and consolling to get through this. Pleas keep posting and keep us updated

Sindy

Hi Sable,
WOW! That is a lot to have on your plate. I'm sorry that you are in so rough a place at this time. If my understanding at this time is correct, you are not on any meds at the moment. I think maybe,you should check in with your GP and bring a copy of the post you just wrote. It might help in terms of explaining how you feel. See what he says about how you're feeling. You mentioned you are probably depressed. It might be a good thing to check in and see if that plays out. Maybe therapy would help, or maybe a need for a med is indicated.I myself started having severe panic attacks with anxiety and depression last November, I was reluctant to pursue help but a friend talked me into it. I am happy to say I am in therapy and on a med that seems to be working for me. It's hard enough to deal with life when you feel good, let alone with the issues you have. Trying to solve it all at once seems like it will only bring you in circles. Maybe if you had someone on a professional level to talk these issues through with, you might find some clarity. I understand that you now "want" a girl for the validation you are seeking. I'm not sure that you would be happy any way in regards to the anger you are experiencing. You are a real person with real feelings and it's ok to know that. I'm not sure what you mean by'NORMAL" when you refer to life but I do know that there is joy and that sometimes the spaces between knowing that joy and going through crap seem very long. Don't give up... please! Talk with someone. All of the people here are wonderful and can give you insight and information. Please do what you need to help yourself first, then tackle the world and the social issues. I'm betting it will seem clearer toyou. Wishing you wellness, happiness & peace. Popi

Thanks. I was far too angry earlier to go into details or anything. It's just that lately everything seems to be going wrong and I really can't deal with it.

Therapy has been going through my mind, but where I live, people are very... ehh, how should I put this... Let's just say that the best moral support you'll get here is "Keep a stiff upper lip" or "Walk it off" and probably "Don't be such a baby". Either they don't understand or they don't want to, but everyone is really reserved when depression gets into the discussion. Basically if you're depressed, you're gay or... well, I don't know, but you get the point. It's impossible to share with anyone and not get labeled. Which makes me feel even worse.

But, yeah, it's high time I go see a specialist about this. I'm really scared when it comes to SSRI's, because last time they didn't help at all and actually only made me feel worse.
And in general I'd like to get over this without medication. The things I've read over the years just creep me out. Many people have complained that you get hooked up on a med and can't get off or that they give you terrible side effect like insomnia and depersonalization. So meds seem like such a long shot. I don't want to completely destroy whats little left of me. I don't know...

Thanks for the replies, guys. I didn't really think anyone would bother with this. Sharing alone made me feel much better.

Make sure you tell the doc that SSRI`s haven`t work in the past and maybe he might try an SNRI`They work kinda the same but SNRI`s work on 2 different chemicals in our brain.....Just a thought, I went through terrible things on the SSRI`s and did a little better with SNRI`s.

Be sure to tell your doc everything so he can best figure out the best course of action for you.

Best wishes.