This will be a bit of a rant, but I would just like to know, if anyone has ever felt the feelings from the passages below;

How does it feel, when one day you decide to start looking through social networking sites at your old pals, and find they've been happy almost every day of their life without depression?

I'm 25, and went on anti-depressants when I was 21. I have lived four years without feeling depressed and believed my high-profile job was keeping me happy. I thought I was on a role to start buying a house and get on with my life. I have some horrible neurological reaction to all anti-depressants which I didn't discover until I decided to not take a pill one day. I tapered off the pills and then crashed and burned at the worst time of the year (Nov/Dec). I feel like I have been a different person for four years and come out the other side a murky mess, like my feet have landed on a cold, icy grey planet of chronic depression. The same person, whom, for the first twenty years of his life was a social outcast and was too glum to socialise or care about trying to be happy. I can't sleep at all any more, and have been off sick for two months with anxiety/depression which has been so severe I won't go into it, but it has been hell.

I have spent the entire day looking at old friends photos like some pathetic stalker. I envy the fact they can be happy every day of their life if they wish,
whilst I fight for any happiness.

Today was the first day I have driven my car for a month. I woke up on some weird high knowing my friends on these sites were still around in some capacity. Then as the day went on I realised the people in those photos didn't have this illness and I was different. My friends knew me, back then, when I didn't even know I was depressed, and I envisage their reactions to me, the sad person in the corner who wanted to be on his own, didn't want to go shopping or to the cinema with someone. Then later on didn't want to go for a drink, parade around women or enjoy life. The recluse who spent every day in sadness, thinking one day things would turn round.

So the time on anti-depressants has made me reflect on my life, they made me feel alive, laugh, smile, joke - but in so much pain. The pain was really very intense and I felt I couldn't do much. I have tried other AD's with the same pain pain constant 24/7.

I am 25 and have got so much to give. This is what I think about when, I get below zero on the depression scale. I thought my job would make me happy, but I woke up realising that the happy people, know that being happy and showing interests in other people get you somewhere, and those are skills a depression sufferer has to work hardest at.

This post has been edited by kirkwuk: Dec 30 2007, 02:55 PM

Hi Kirkwuk,

It's good to see you again, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a bad period.

I can definitely relate to what you said about looking at friends photos, I start off just looking, enojying them, then end of in this spiral of angst, sadness and envy, because they look happy, they are happy, whilst I am this person, looking at photos. I used to be a part of a social networking site, but felt like I was constantly trying to prove that I had a life, that I was happy too.

However, It's great that you are still able recognise how much you have to give, and I'm sure that the people around you can see this too. Depression does not make a person, it is only a part of you. Also, you said that you spent days sitting in sadness, thinking things would turn around. It is a positive thing that you believe things can turn around, because I am sure they can!

Are you still trying medication and/or therapy?

((((Kirkwuk)))) I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone in these thoughts.

Take care,

Florry

I'm very sorry to hear about this ongoing struggle of yours, kirkwuk. I definitely can relate to those feelings of being different from everyone else, sort of like standing out in the cold, looking through a window to see everyone else feasting and laughing.

I just wanted to ask you something, and forgive me if you've explained this before. You said the nerve pain began when you missed a dose. Are you saying that it continued even when you resumed dosing? And then on other ADs too, even without again missing a dose? I've never heard of anything like this, and I'm just trying to pick apart what might be the cause.

This must be very frustrating, because AD therapy gave you such relief, but now it seems to set your nerves on fire. I hope you keep trying different medications, maybe ones that are in a different class. For example, bupropion is very unique and may not cause the same reaction. And then there are the tricylcics, which some people try when they're resistant to the more modern drugs. Please keep trying, and keep talking.

Sorry to hear you're going through a bad time.

Don't get me started on social networking sites, I was a member on one and like Florry I found I was always loading photos on to it to try and make it looked like my life was enjoyable and that I had so many friends, turns out I was only really lying to myself, why would they all care? A big part of me doesn't even care about them and so I removed myself off it. It just hurt me to look at how everyone else is really happy and I'm completely alone in all this. A big part of me doesn't want to see happy people because it makes me feel even more alone - I know that's really selfish but I can't help but envy all these people.

I do hope this gets easier soon and you can always rant on here I'll gladly join in lol.

Take Care
Claire

I think there is a misunderstanding, maybe the way I typed it. The nerve pain I got stopped when I intentionally skipped a dose. I re-instated the pills a few times at the doctors advice, within an hour or so the pain started again - and stopped when I stopped. So the pain seems to only exist when I take the pills (even 2.5mg). I noticed the depression came back very quickly upon stopping.

The doctors are all suggesting this pain is caused by my system being anxious about the pills. Thing with anxiety is I don't feel like this, so it's very very hard to diagnose. They also said there are no tests they can do to prove it one way or the other. I had similar reactions also with other anti-anxiety medication, which I'm told is very rare. Amitriptyline is a med I am actually on now, been on it for two weeks but has some other side effects one of which is drowsiness, I am giving it another month though and will evaluate the side effects vs depression then.

One thing is when I had the pain, it distracted me from the depression... so it might have been a blessing in disguise.

I know what you mean. I've been trying to tell myself that I'm not lonely forever now but I'm not going to lie to myself any longer. I have depression and I have to live with that. I have a Facebook account and while I have over 100 real-life people added, I never get any messages sent to me and when my birthday came along only my family wrote on my wall and one random person in school that I've barely ever spoken to [don't ask]. I'm too ashamed to even upload my picture, because I think people will make negative comments. :(

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. You can get through this.
I know what you mean though. It really sucks. It's not like you have a physical ailment that you can actually talk to others about. NOOOO, it's this funky taboo, omg, you're a nut, kind of an illness that you dare not speak about to anyone. No one insults someone for being on aspirin because they get migraines, nobody will look down on someone with an ace bandage on their leg but tell someone you're depressed and forget about compassion and/or understanding. Having depression in the prime of your life absolutely bites. I feel like depression robbed me of my life. While everyone else was getting married, having kids, buying houses-I was in bed- depressed, unable to get up and out. But somehow, I WANTED THIS because I was too LAZY or too self pitying to SNAP myself out of it. I'd rather be down in a make shift bedroom in a basement of my parents house, sleeping and crying so I could feel sorry for myself all day and night rather than to be out with friends, have a romantic partner, have kids and living life. Yes, it's something I so freaking wanted for myself!!!!!

Sorry Kirkwuk. I went on a rant there. I apologize. I know though, I know how you're feeling.

Hi,

I have had depression for 20 years and one thing I have noticed is that when I am
having a depressive 'episode' as I call it is that I seem to notice how normal everyone
one else's life seems and how much better theirs is. I actually get angry at my friends
when they complain about something bec I think it is nothing compared to what I am
going through with the depression. I guess everything has problems but for those
of us with depression, things just seem more worse. I know the depression makes
it seem worse, but until you have gone thru it you cant understand. I have taken
the amtriplyine(sp?) also, and done very well on it. Wishing you the best,

starr

I am on a second try on Amitryptline and whilst I don't have burning pains on that I have a slight numbness in my hands which gets worse when I play guitar, one of my few loves and things which kept depression at bay for the past ten years. I don't even want to go to the doctors because I know they will tell me they've never heard of that effect before and blame it on my anxiety. I swear if I went in with a broken leg they would blame it on my anxiety and that it's not physically there. I was a very talented player and now just can't play as well or enjoy it. I am willing to give up guitar if the drug begins to work, but there is another effect - my libido has vanished. I don't feel like a man any more. It also makes me very sedated and doesn't help me sleep much at all. I have been told to give it four weeks so got another two weeks but I have seen no improvement at all only I felt very high a couple of mornings ago. Then I crashed in the afternoon.

I would feel better if I could go to work, but the fact I'm not sleeping at all has destroyed that completely. I went round to my bosses house a few days ago as we share a very good relationship. I told him that I had deep depression etc and couldn't snap out of it and docs can no longer help me, wouldn't be back to work for some time.

Today is 2008 and I feel stuck ten years ago in 1998. I remember I was still depressed then and all my friends from school are on Facebook enjoying themselves whilst I suffer. A part of me wants to say hi, how are you, but I know by going back I am driving myself deeper into the dark.

I want to write a book, to portray how bad I feel. But then I'm remembered that self-pity isn't something I would normally do. But at this time I can only seem to relate to the negative things in life. I tried to join in the celebrations last night but I just retired to bed because I found nothing positive in it. I only did it to show my face. Then people start asking if you're alright and do you want some food. I hate it.

This post has been edited by kirkwuk: Jan 1 2008, 06:19 AM

I'm sorry that the New Year hasn't started off so well for you, I hope that things get better.

Regarding the side effects, I'm not particularly up on medications, but searching around the internet for side effects, numbness/tingling of hands is listed as a severe side effect for Amitriptyline oral, as is decreased sexual ability/desire. It is not your anxiety.

If the side effects continue, try mentioning them to the doctor. As you said, the worst that can happen is that they tell you it isn't anything to do with the medication.

Take care,

Florry

Have you been seen by an orthopedist to be sure you don't have a pinched nerve in your shoulder that acts up if you get anxious? I do and it's been with me for many years. My ortho said that if I lift something too heavy or get tense, a muscle in my neck gets as hard as a bone and the pain goes down my right arm and then my finger tips get numb. I tried physical therapy and it didn't help at all. The only thing that helped was Elavil as it puts you in a deep sleep so these muscles can relax. It sounds like your current doc is on the right track, but his explanation leaves lots to be desired.

Anyways, it to gets real bad, I get a chronic headache and neuralgia in my face. I go to the ortho and he does a nerve block by injecting cortisone and novacaine and it immediately stops all the bad sensation. If you can find the trigger point..... usually a place on your shoulder that if you push on it, the pain is terrific That's where the problems is.... the pinched nerve. Mine is right on top of my shoulder and if I push on it, my fingers go numb. That's where the injection goes and the relief is unbelievable.

I hope you find this helpful. If it's not what's happening; disregard it.

Jackie

I am 46 and have suffered from depression all my life. I hate to say that it doesn't seem to get better. I have high points and glimmers of hope, but also deep dark places. I have entered the new year in one of those places. I am a writer and it inhibits me in a huge way. I have difficulty working, writing, dealing with my family, etc. I have some inferiority that I have carried since adolescence that makes social situations difficult. I am on 20 mg of lexapro. All of your comments ring true to me. I get around people that seem happy and well adjusted and I get jealous and angry.

(((((((((((Kirkwuk))))))))))))) I hope you're okay.

I know its hard, but dont compare your life to other peoples.

Besides people can seem happy on the surface but you never really know whats going on behind the scenes. People often say they are happy with their life because thats what they feel they should be telling the world for one reason or another.

Anyway, life isnt about comparing your life with other peoples, not really, not to me any way. Life isnt a competition, life is here to be lived and to be lived in a way that makes you happy, not in a way the world thinks will make you happy.

As long as you are not harming anyone (including yourself) on your journey in life, do what makes you happy. No one is happy all of the time, but if playing guitar brings you a moments happiness then sit and play guitar for a while etc.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

I stopped comparing my life to other peoples a long time ago, and i no longer try to live up to societies expectations of me, i only try to live up to my own. If society cant accept me as i am, then so be it, but life is precious and i dont intend to waste it trying to live up everyone elses ideal of who i should be. I have my own ideals to live up to and i feel the path to happiness lies in being true to myself, not in trying to be what other people (or society) wants me to be.

And as for drs, well, they blame just about everything on anxiety if you have the diagnosis on your record. Im begining to think they should market anxiety as the cure for all illness in the world. After all its seems that once you have anxiety every single physical symptom you get is related to it, and not the result of physical illness at all. Most of the time they dont even bother checking or doing tests before saying 'oh its just stress' and completely ignoring any symptoms you report. It gets right up my nose that. Yeah i have experience with drs and the 'its anxiety' line.

Fictional conversation with a dr, based on past conversations ive had with my shrink in regards to some health issues ive been having for the last two years:

Patient: So tell me dr, if its anxiety causing my symptoms, then why doesnt relaxation etc help at all?
DR: You must be depressed, here take an antidepressant
Patient: But i dont feel depressed, its just that the relaxation doesnt work
Dr: Well when you are depressed it can be hard to motivate yourself to do things, including exercises that help you relax
Patient: but ive tried relaxation, and it doesnt help
Dr: Exactly, as i said you are depressed, here have another antidepressant or two
Patient: but the antidepressant makes me feel worse
Dr: well that happens sometimes, here try a different one
Patient: that one makes me feel bad as well
Dr: i think there is still some anxiety there
Patient: yes but dr, if its anxiety causing my symptoms why doesnt relaxation etc help at all
Dr: You must be depressed, try another auntidepressant

For crying out loud!

This post has been edited by Enigmatic_Soul: Jan 3 2008, 09:29 AM

Hi,
I have come across your post after a search, I know its over a year ago, but I hope that you are ok.
My life is similar to yours, I'm a 48 year old male, & sufferred on & off all my life with mild to moderate depression.
I always trusted people & held others in authority in high esteem, working hard in making others rich & now ending up with nothing.
My last bout of Depression ruined my marriage, it was triggered by the tragic death of my brother.. 10!! years ago..
I found it very difficult to cope with, my Wife & her family thought I was over reacting, but they werent feeling my pain!!! They had no idea, & because I have two young childeren that I love dearly & who they tried to stop me seeing. The whole thing has ended up in a WAR!
Luckily I still do see my children (not as much as I want due to the "SYSTEM" but I do see them).. My problem, is that I want revenge on what my ex & her family put me through.. I was dragged through the court system, accused of abuse on my kids, which was totally unfounded!! taken for 75% of my finances and house etc. & my ex is now living with another man, very well off, holiday apartments etc. her family are all successful. & I cant get moving !!! I am still single.. six years down the line.. (although my friends say I'm very handsome.. (george clooney lookalike) but my head is in complete tatters..) I feel useless in every direction... No Money, dead end job, no girlfriend.. & few friends... But the people who cause the pain & gloat in it.
All prosper!!....WHY!!!
I want to change my life.. I try different business ventures, which end up being a waste of time, ..my friends are all married & I feel they dont want some single "saddo" hanging around them..I love my kids & they are the only reason that I get up in a morning.. If it werent for them, I definately wouldnt be getting up any Morning... I am not sure how much more I can take... I am lonley, & scared.. I thought that I would be happy & content now at this point in my life.... But it Sucks!!

Funny, I thought it was just me who did/thought that! Glad to know I am not alone, sometimes those social network sites can drain all the energy out of an otherwise tolerable day. Just reminds me of how maladjusted I feel.