This will be a bit of a rant, but I would just like to know, if anyone has ever felt the feelings from the passages below;

How does it feel, when one day you decide to start looking through social networking sites at your old pals, and find they've been happy almost every day of their life without depression?

I'm 25, and went on anti-depressants when I was 21. I have lived four years without feeling depressed and believed my high-profile job was keeping me happy. I thought I was on a role to start buying a house and get on with my life. I have some horrible neurological reaction to all anti-depressants which I didn't discover until I decided to not take a pill one day. I tapered off the pills and then crashed and burned at the worst time of the year (Nov/Dec). I feel like I have been a different person for four years and come out the other side a murky mess, like my feet have landed on a cold, icy grey planet of chronic depression. The same person, whom, for the first twenty years of his life was a social outcast and was too glum to socialise or care about trying to be happy. I can't sleep at all any more, and have been off sick for two months with anxiety/depression which has been so severe I won't go into it, but it has been hell.

I have spent the entire day looking at old friends photos like some pathetic stalker. I envy the fact they can be happy every day of their life if they wish,
whilst I fight for any happiness.

Today was the first day I have driven my car for a month. I woke up on some weird high knowing my friends on these sites were still around in some capacity. Then as the day went on I realised the people in those photos didn't have this illness and I was different. My friends knew me, back then, when I didn't even know I was depressed, and I envisage their reactions to me, the sad person in the corner who wanted to be on his own, didn't want to go shopping or to the cinema with someone. Then later on didn't want to go for a drink, parade around women or enjoy life. The recluse who spent every day in sadness, thinking one day things would turn round.

So the time on anti-depressants has made me reflect on my life, they made me feel alive, laugh, smile, joke - but in so much pain. The pain was really very intense and I felt I couldn't do much. I have tried other AD's with the same pain pain constant 24/7.

I am 25 and have got so much to give. This is what I think about when, I get below zero on the depression scale. I thought my job would make me happy, but I woke up realising that the happy people, know that being happy and showing interests in other people get you somewhere, and those are skills a depression sufferer has to work hardest at.

This post has been edited by kirkwuk: Dec 30 2007, 02:55 PM