Hi, first time poster. I don’t know that anyone will have any advice or even that anyone could, but I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, and I’m such a mess I don’t know what else to do.

I’ve been intermittently seeing a therapist for over a year for my depression. I’ve known I needed one for over 20 years, but it finally got so bad, I got brave enough to go. Now, it seems like working up that courage was a huge waste. Now I’ve failed at getting better, too.

The first therapist was horrible, never let me talk, and gave me lectures, and I left. I was so disappointed that I had finally sought help and it was so awful, I vowed I wouldn’t try again.

But eventually, I got desperate enough I did try again with a new therapist. She was better and I started to get hopeful again. She never asked me about much other than my activities, just gave me things to try to feel better, and I was okay with that, I didn’t really want to talk about some stuff. I read everything she gave me and tried all the positive-thinking things and got out to do stuff. I saw her for less than 4 months before she cut my appointments down to less once a month since I was doing the stuff she wanted and went on meds. She kept telling me to cancel the appt. if I felt better. I felt like she was trying to get rid of me, but I was desperate, so I kept going to the appts.

Both therapists wanted me on meds. I resisted at first and finally gave in. I was worried about anti-depressants in part because my sister is bi-polar and I was worried maybe I was too and that the meds could be wrong for that. I’m now on venaflexine (150mg). It isn’t doing squat and I feel worse than ever, I’ve gained weight, I fall asleep at work, I can’t concentrate, I’m eating like a horse again, I still cry every day, and now I have migraines. I’m not suicidal or anything, but the phrase “I wish I was dead’ keeps going through my head. However, my anxiety at social situations has really been soothed and I’m grateful for that.

The last couple appts, the only thing my therapist talked with me about was that she was certain my depression was chemical and my meds weren’t working. She acted like if that didn’t cure me, nothing would, so I kept asking my GP to up the dose, which he finally did. No change. This last appt. I told my therapist it wasn’t helping and I was giving up. She suggested I see a psychiatrist and told me she wouldn’t be making any more appointments for me. I felt abandoned.

I did call the psych-doc right away, but I can’t get in until February. I feel worse and worse every day and I don’t think I can wait that long. I’ve felt like s*** for my entire life, and when I finally tried to get help, I couldn’t. And even if I can make it to Feb. I don’t know if I can go through another round of letting myself hope I’ll get better only to be be crushed by failure again.

I’m thinking about just stepping down off these meds. If it doesn’t help, how could it be worse? And maybe if I start from scratch when I see the pdoc, it might work better in case I have to try a new med. I just don’t know what to do. Next year seems so far away when I feel like this. Thanks for listening.