My life is an utter wreck right now. It started three years ago with the end of a long term relationship that really f-ed me up (the ending, not the relationship), but Life went on anyways, and I tried to continue on as positively as I could. About 10 months ago I decided to quit my job, leave the city I had been living in for nearly a decade, and move in with my grandparents while transitioning to another city.

Then the economy suddenly collasped and I've been unemployed the whole time, without unemployment because I decided to leave. No matter what I do, I can't find a job, though I keep getting really close (basically becoming runner-up), which is extra frustrating. I'm living with my grandparents in a small town in a far more isolated area than I've ever lived in. I'm not anywhere near any of my friends. I make some money on ebay, but paying bills month to month is overwhelmingly stressful. I depend a lot on hand outs from my family. To top it off, my grandfather is in cruddy health, including dementia. Almost everyone else I know is in the prime of their lives, getting married or having babies or graduating with advanced degrees. My brother lives the charmed life I've always wanted, which is a regular reminder of how far I've fallen.

Three years ago I had a good job, a relationship, lots of close friends, and living in an interesting and exciting city. Today I'm poor, unemployed, spending my days cleaning up puke or pi** as often as not, and living in the boonies among the elderly and high school drop outs who couldn't escape the area. To top it off, I even got into a car accident last week which cost me more money I can't afford and has deprived me of my car, the one thing I've been able to hang onto.

I know I sound bitter, but after YEARS of trying to fix my life, it's just gotten progressively worse and worse. I went to therapy for a while (following my break up) but it never seemed to help. My therapist treated me like I was an interesting conundrum, and my psychiatrist fixated on whether or not I was suicidal (I'm not but I think about death a lot, something I sorely regretted ever telling her). I was on Celexa too, but I quit that 4-5 months ago. It never helped my depression, though it did help my anxiety.

I feel like there is a poison in my soul. I either want to cry or scream at people, or just want to be left alone. Nothing I've tried to fix my life has done anything but make it worse, or else, nothing. I feel like all my energy goes into trying to appear OK, so that no one gets upset that I'm upset, which then makes me feel worse.

I don't know how much longer I can deal with this life- I feel like I'm becoming more and more permanently damaged inside.

to DF garnet
sorry to here you are feeling so badly. keep posting we are here to listen.

I'm also sorry to hear things are so bad for you. This economy is awful -- you aren't alone in being unemployed. I see what you mean about it being extra frustrating to come close on getting a job and then be turned down, but it does mean there's hope if you can hang in there and keep trying -- a lot easier said than done, I realize. You might want to think about trying again with therapy and/or antidepressants. People are so different that a medicine that works for one person doesn't necessarily help another. If you read people's stories on the forum you can see that a lot of folks have had trouble finding the right drug and the right dosage. Finding the right therapist can also be a challenge. It's even harder to focus on getting those things accomplished when you're overwhelmed by depression and worried about money, but if you can find the right treatment it will be well worth the effort.

I also want to say I think it's a good thing you're doing helping to care for your grandfather. It must be hard, and you're a good person to do it. I hope things will get better for you soon.

I forgot to add that I've struggled with low level depression most of my life, either dysthymia or PPMD or both as best as we've been able to figure. I know I'm lucky enough not to have to deal with some of the major depressive episodes like some folks have, but it's still very frustrating. The more I've learned to cope with my problems, the more problems have sprung up in my life, and they've been on and escalating scale. I keep thinking this run of bad luck can't keep going, but it does.

I admit I miss my Celexa, but at the same time, I really don't want to be on anti-ds. I'm a huge hypocrite- I tout them for others, yet hide the fact I've taken them from most of my friends. Right now I'm working on trying to exercise more and eat right, hoping that will have an effect. I thought quitting caffeine might help, but that was a bust. I'm also hoping to go back on consistent dose birth control pills, which aren't a cure, but seem to help. I guess I just want to conquer this with minimal pharmaceutic help, though I'm not sure I'll ever be able to, even with pills. 28 years and counting....

Thanks for the support. I really don't have anyone to vent to right now, and it's getting overwhelming. I can't afford a therapist right now, and quite frankly, I'm not sure therapy works for someone like me. I've played therapist for lots of people over my life, starting from a young age, and it seems like my brain just works around it for me. I can convince others, but not myself.

I really just want to get back to my "real" life- I feel like I'm losing so many moments, so many chances, because I'm so isolated.

Hi Garnet,

Welcome and hugs. :)

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. You have obviously tried everything in your power to change some bad life events and try to create a positive experience. I think that you were brave to try and start over. It is NEVER easy to start over in life, move away from family and friends, and into a new city. I have actually gone through a similar experience and can commiserate with you.

From reading your post, you have a lot of good insight about your situation. You've acknowledged the hardships, and you've tried to overcome it, even though you had very little success. Trust me, at this time, you might feel like things will never look up. But, they will. It is just very tough getting through the hard times, and learning how to cope.

Kudos to you for turning to exercise. That will give you the natural endorphins you need to boost your confidence, well-being, self-esteem, etc. If you're not keen on antidepressants, try exercise. I definitely know that will help you out in the long run, and establish a set routine for your body and mind. Exercise is ALWAYS a great idea whether or not you feel depressed.

Continue to hand out job resumes. My advice is to treat each day like a work day. Which means, you wake up on time, you dedicate part of the morning to handing out resumes, calling managers, following up with past job interviews, etc. Then, dedicate the afternoon to working out at the gym or running. Simply, try to create a basic ROUTINE in your day, and throughout your week. Find some ALONE time where you don't need to be around anyone, and can relax. You can dedicate one day for your alone time. Basically, what you will be doing is structuring your time to enable you to REFOCUS on goals, and to provide that sense of STABILITY, especially since you are away from family and friends and a familiar environment. These are all healthy ways to coping, and strategizing your SURVIVAL in an unknown place. It's kind of like being marooned on an island, and you need to find ways to help you cope with 1) loneliness 2) isolation 3) overwhelming feelings of grief 4) adjustments to new surroundings 5) fatigue. All of these hardships are meant to be in your life at this very moment because it is an OPPORTUNITY to test your survival skills, and to create a very STRONG mentality in order to cope every day. Believe me, this is an opportunity knocking at your door.

I hope this helps. Remember, I have been where you are now, and I can honestly say that you WILL overcome this. You just need to develop a PLAN.

Private message me if you want to talk further.

Kind regards
River

This post has been edited by River: May 17 2009, 12:27 AM

Thank you all for your support.

I'm really trying hard to keep moving and stay at least a little hopeful. But every day that passes with no jobs calling is like another kick in the gut. I apply to jobs I'm very qualified for, but hear nothing (and they are all blind applications or specifically say don't contact us, we'll contact you). If I get a first interview, more often than not I get a second. I've been consistently employed in my field from the summer before my senior year of college, up until I left my last position. All my bosses have liked me a lot- my last boss gives me unbelievably good recommendations, and he himself is instantly charming to just about anyone he meets or talks to. Still, nothing seems to work, and I don't know why. I feel like I have some sort of curse on me.

Being in an isolated area with little to no funds for fun makes it really hard to keep myself occupied. I'm trying, but it's like I'm wasting away no matter what I try to do. And I have nothing to look forward to but another day, another week, another month of all this. :(

I keep hoping, but my cell phone won't ring.

Hey Garnet, have you tried a good self-help book like "Managing your mind" by Gillian Butler? I can't really imagine what it is like getting by without being able to afford medical help, being in the UK, I guess I'm lucky. I totally relate you what you said about being able to counsel others but not yourself though, I don't know quite where that fits in with the 'whys' of this depression stuff happening. I know it sucks though. I wonder if it is worth you trying another AD, and to bear in mind anxiety definitely gets you depressed (well it does me anyway) and it is a bit of a vicious circle so even if it take a long time to feel the benefit, maybe think about sticking with it.

Plus this forum is a great place to find support, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Hugs*.