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DigitalS
post Sep 30 2008, 01:48 PM
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life seems to have gotten more unbearable as of late. I really don't know what to say as I myself do not know the root of this unhappiness but I do feel like breaking down and crying from time to time. I just really need someone to talk to but I don't feel like I can talk to my best friend, girlfriend or my parents about how I feel as I don't want myself to become a burden to them. When I'm out with other people such as parents or friends etc. I act happy and normal. The way I am perceived by others is the comedian or joker of the group and I really don't want to ruin this image for them. I feel it is better for the people who know me to not to have the burden of my problems thrust upon them. I just feel really empty and hollow and I don't see anything worth living for. I've contemplated suicide many times but the only thing that stops me is knowing how much pain I'll cause to the people who love me which would in turn counteract the very reason I'm not telling them any of this. I don't want to be a burden or the cause of pain to my loved ones. I just don't know where to turn to, who to talk to about how I feel.

I just feel like life isn't worth living and even though I know that if I commit suicide it'll deeply hurt the ones around me but when I'm at my own home away from my parents, just doing simple tasks, [certain things will trigger suicidal fantasies]. It always takes me awhile to finish doing whatever it was I was doing as I have to just go sit down on the couch to stay calm and tell myself not to do anything rash.

Thanks for all who have taken the time to listen to what I have to say, it helps a lot just to let it all out. I deeply appreciate it.

- Sebastian

This post has been edited by Burgy: Sep 30 2008, 02:10 PM
Reason for edit: triggers
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Burgy
post Sep 30 2008, 02:09 PM
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welcomeani.gif to DF, (((((Sebastian)))))

I completely understand the inclination to keep your troubles to yourself, to spare your loved ones. I do it myself all the time, especially with family. I'm glad you found DF, because you can express your feelings here without fear of judgment or burden, and you'll be supported by people who truly understand what you're going through.

I strongly suggest that you reach out for professional help. Therapy and/or medication can help a great deal. They've worked wonders for me. Thanks for opening up, and please keep posting.


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We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world. ~Buddha
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Sheepwoman
post Sep 30 2008, 02:15 PM
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Welcome to DF, DigitalS,

We're a very supportive communty that listens and share our experiences with depression. Wearing a "mask" to cover up true feelings is quite common. I'm presuming your under 18 and still living at home. If you can't talk opny with your parents, write them a letter about how you are feeling (many of our younger members have done this with succes.) Loving parents will get you professional help.

If your suicidal ideations get too strong, call a crisis hotline or go to the ER! We don't have the traing to help you in this case.
Sheepwoman


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colourless butte...
post Sep 30 2008, 02:24 PM
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Hi sebastian and a warm welcomeani.gif ,
you haven't said anything about the reasons you have those suicidal fantasies, except "lifeisn't worth living" which is not a reason in itself.
It's so nice that you don't want to become a burden for your friends and family, it is so incredibly altruistic to do that! (I'm exactly the opposite and I can see that I harm my loved ones with my problems) but in a certain way it means you are not honest, with them, but most important with yourself, you reveal a different person from what you really are and that can bring nothing but happiness.
Have you seen some psychiatrist or similar? Many of us have these stupid negative feelings because some imbalances
in our brains which can be very easily remedied...
However, I just wanted to to say "hi" and definitely that ,,you are not alone"!

hugs,
butterfly
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DigitalS
post Sep 30 2008, 02:26 PM
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Well I'm actually turning 19 and I don't live at home. My parents live in Asia while I live in the UK alone. Talking to my parents is entirely out of the question as my father sees me as the heir to his business empire (he owns import/export, interior design, property development companies in China) and I cannot show him any sort of vulnerability in my character as he'll perceive it as a weakness, a flaw. I have to keep up an appearance in front of my parents and family at all times lest they feel I'm not strong willed enough to lead the company after they retire. Just by keeping up a strong facade in front of my parents makes me feel inadequate about myself. Its like I'm not really the son they think I am
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Sheepwoman
post Sep 30 2008, 02:34 PM
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Admitting to yourself you have a mental health issue and seeking treatment is not a sign of weakness. Seeking professional help leads us to the road to recovery. Your parents need not know you are seeking help. They live too far away to know what you're doing to help yourself. Why suffer when there's help available?
Sheepwoman


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DigitalS
post Sep 30 2008, 02:37 PM
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I've been seriously thinking about seeking help but I keep putting it off, telling myself I'm okay and it'll pass but lately I just feel really alone, no one I can talk to and I don't know what I'd say if I did go see a psychiatrist or therapist
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spiffyfitz
post Sep 30 2008, 08:40 PM
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Hey DigitalS,

I just wrote a post in my own thread about how while I'm at work, I isolate myself with my headphones as I work on my simple tasks, which causes my mind to wander... I find myself thinking of suicide daily, some days better than others, but it seems to always come up in my head. I'm also the comedian when I hang out with my friends, they probably have no idea that I've got issues, so I can definitely relate.

You should not worry about what to say to a therapist or counselor, they usually start by asking easy-to-answer questions and in my experience are always very personable and recognize you're having difficulty. The hardest part is finding one :) (which I am personally trying to do right now, you might want to do the same!)

Cheers, friend.
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DigitalS
post Oct 1 2008, 03:29 AM
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thanks for all the kind replies everyone, i feel like a weight has been lifted off of me just by telling how i feel. thank you
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