Hi all. I've been reading some of the posts, and I have to say that it seems like a nice group of people here!

I'm not asking for a diagnosis, but I'd like to describe some things that have been going and get some opinions as to whether or not it might be depression. I've never been diagnosed with depression, and it doesn't run in the family. I think most people would describe me as being overall happy... not exuberantly happy, but definitely not depressed.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm suffering from depression. One of the reasons is that I have a habit of having a few drinks every night. A lot of nights I'll have 3 drinks. I rarely drink more than that, or feel like I need to. But, I often do feel like I need to have those few drinks to kind of help me wind down. I tend to be kind of tense until I do. Not unhappy, but just kind of wound up and a lot of times by 8 or so, really restless and uneasy. She says my doing this is a way of "self-medicating".

I've always had a lot of energy. I normally do OK on 5 or 6 hours of sleep per night. It seems like I've always had a need for more stimulation than the average person, which does run in the family. Like at 7 when other people are content to just sit and stare the television, I'd rather be having a debate about something. And I suppose I get pretty wound up when I'm debating. Most nights we're talking right up to the point that she falls asleep, usually around 10 or 11. But I'm still wide awake, and still feeling like I need to be doing something or talking about something.

My dad has always said that I'm "manic". Not so much manic-depressive as manic. I'm self-employed, and I develop web applications, mostly for myself. Some of my projects have taken months to finish. The last one took about 5 months. Most weeks I put in 60 hours or more during those 5 months. For a little while I worked 7 days a week. While I'm doing this, and on a mission to get something finished, I feel great! I'm so excited to get to work that some mornings I wake up at 5 or so and head in, and really do enjoy what I'm doing.

But after I've finished every one of these projects I've ended up seriously crashing. Not into obvious depression. I actually become incredibly lazy. I no longer have the desire to do much of anything, even help around the house. And honestly, sometimes the thoughts of doing even the smallest of chores seems almost painful to me. Since my last crash, going on about 6 weeks now, I've found it hard to get going on anything. And during this time I do have moments of depression. I feel guilty because I'm not working or doing anything productive, and I think about things I'm going to do... often times at night I have my next day planned and am excited to get going, but when it rolls around, once again it feels almost painful for me to work on much of anything.

In the past these periods have lasted usually at least 3 months. And every time I come out of one by getting excited about another project and going into it great guns again, which will ultimately lead to another big crash.

My girlfriend has been very supportive of me through all of this. But she's been getting upset that I haven't been doing more to help, which I understand. Last night when we were talking about this, and I told her what I'd mentioned, that it almost feels painful for me to do even simple chores, she told me that it sounded like depression. As in, an inability to do even basic things is a symptom of depression. I knew that myself, but what gets me is that the majority of the time I'm not feeling terrible... usually guilty about not getting anything done, but not terribly depressed.

She suggested I make an appointment with a doctor to discuss some of these things. And a while back, an older friend of mine suggested that I do the same. He said that I reminded him of himself, before he started taking medication. He was referring to my tendency to kind of react quickly to a lot of things, and overall being kind of wound up. For example, I'm fairly prone to road-rage. I don't stick my head out the window and yell or anything, but I get so pi**ed off when people just sit at a green light, or don't go when they have plenty of room to go.

The other thing that's really bothered my girlfriend lately is my grouchiness. Not all the time, but I've been pretty grouchy lately. And when I'm like this I have a tendency to let what's probably a small thing start a chain reaction in me. She said that I have a hard time just letting things go, and I wouldn't argue with that. And when I get like this, I just want to be left alone. Some times I can find some real peace doing things I enjoy by myself. But it's like, when the slightest thing doesn't go my way I get all bent out of shape. I have absolutely no tolerance for other peoples' BS. and I know that I dish out my share of BS myself, so I've created a sort of double-standard that isn't fair for other people.

All of this seems to be going back to my crash after getting done with my last project. And this is exactly the way I was last summer after I finished a project and crashed. Could that be manic-depression? Even though the "depression" part isn't characterized by what I've thought of as stereotypical depression, like suicidal thoughts? Can being really grouchy be a form of depression?

I really don't want to go on meds for this. I don't like the idea of being dependent on them. I do realize that I have some issues here, but if there's any way I could work this out without going on meds, I'd definitely prefer that.

Actually, just writing this out has really made me feel better and has helped me see things a little more clearly. But I'm open to any thoughts or suggestions.

Thanks All!

This post has been edited by iowa: Sep 1 2009, 02:57 PM

Hi someguy77,
I'm not a professional so can only offer my opinion. It does sound like you have symptoms of bipolar. People with bipolar have a range of how their symptoms appear. Some get very manic and rarely crash, others are depressed much of the time and only show low level manic signs occasionally. I think the very fact that you realize how excited you get, how much you work and your somewhat impulsive behavior all point to some level of mania. Then you talk about your lack of motivation and inability to get things done, which are symptoms of depression.
If you see a doctor, I strongly suggest a psychiatrist because general practitioners often don't have the background or experience to correctly diagnos and treat you. If you are against taking a medication, you might do better to find a therapist to work with. Therapy may help you learn ways of coping with things to make you function better, especially when you are somewhat depressed. Usually therapists will also be able to tell if you really need to consider medications and refer you to someone.
Iowa