I've started self harming again. To keep a long story short, I was pulled out of college, put in-patient, gone through outpatient and one-on-one therapy, put on two anti-depressants and now here I am cutting myself again. It's not like I'm doing it for emotional release, either. I try to **** myself but I can never go beyond superficial cuts; it just hurts too much.

i mean, I try to say, "I will wait 24 hours before doing anything." And I obviously do wait otherwise I wouldn't be typing this right now. Sometimes the next 24 hours is more than tolerable (in fact, it often is), but I always end up feeling depressed and suicidal once again. It feels like the clock is ticking and my time is running out. Eventually it's going to happen. I don't feel any happiness whatsoever from my accomplishments since I know they're just not going to matter. and they haven't in the past. i've worked hard and gotten pretty good grades yet it's gotten me nowhere. it's hopelessness.

and since I feel like my treatment has been completely pointless (other than taking me out of college and setting me backwards academically), i just keep it all bottled up inside. i really have no incentive to tell anyone that i'm suicidal. i did beforehand and it only set me backwards. only on anonymous internet forums can i express myself. and even then i do so with great reluctance. it took me a few hours to muster up the "courage" to type this.

so yeah, thanks for reading. I just don't know what to do other than to sit here, grab a coke, listen to some music, and wait until i'm old enough to **** myself in an instantaneous manner.

This post has been edited by lonleysindy: May 30 2009, 01:15 AM

would you like to talk for a bit.

(((((((((Zqf))))))))

Well done for having the courage to post. It can be hard to let it out, but letting it out can help you feel a little better.
I am sorry that you are suffering so much, but there is a lot of help out there.
If one thing does not work, there is always another route to try.
I know you find it hard to talk, but have you tried therapy?

You are not worthless, depression tells you that. Its a lie, depression tells lies. Don't let it win.

Trace

(((((((((Zqf))))))))

Please keep posting, we are all here for you.

My freshman year of college I was also sent home, put into treatment, and subsequently sent inpatient by my case manager on multiple occasions. I felt that despite the treatment, I was only getting worse, being sent home and no longer at school was why the depression was still there, and had I not told anyone I would still be at school, perfectly okay. But it's not true, and I really doubt it's true for you.

I know it feels like you are going backwards, but you certainly aren't! Your life has simply taken a bit of a detour, but I am willing to promise that things will get better and you will eventually find yourself back on the path you want to be on. Sometimes this stuff becomes out of our control and we need others to help us. I know it feels like things haven't changed, but you are still around right now, and who knows where you would be had you not gone through that treatment. There must be something you've learned throughout all your treatment. Can you think of something, just one thing, that you know now (positive!) that you didn't know before?

As for the self-harming, it's great that you can go 24 hours. Seriously. At a time when things are hurting so much, that is not easy to do. When things start feeling worse, try that technique, but with less time. Sometimes I've used just one minute as my benchmark. Any amount of time you can go without hurting yourself counts.

If you EVER want to talk to someone who has had such similar experiences, or just to chat, please don't hesitate to message me.

Take care of yourself.

-boo

This post has been edited by PRT: May 30 2009, 08:18 AM

College can be a tremendously tough time. There were times it really put me through the ringer. I thought about suicide a lot. I did a little self harm and knew one or 2 others that did too. Two things helped me - activity and yoga. Activity that gets your heart rate up, even if its only walking can really help. And running can be a healthy form of self harm. I mean that only half jokingly. But clearing my head out completely, via yoga, really helped. I have/had some bad mental thought cycles and sometimes just not thinking at all can reset anything.

Think of how amazing it is that people you don't even know, don't live anywhere near you, are 'talking' to you and sharing experiences, empathy and caring. That's really something to celebrate and at least smile about. And if you can hold a smile for about thirty seconds, you'll feel better. Studies have shown that often, our emotions actually follow our expressions, and not the other way around.

Best of luck and keep posting.

Abe

yeah, i was pulled out of college my freshman year too. Was really looking forward to college, but I just couldn't make any friends. I tried to make friends, but no one wanted to be friends with me. So I spent virtually all my time alone. About six weeks into the semester, I decided I wanted to transfer schools. So I worked hard, got good grades, but was nonetheless rejected from the school I wanted to transfer to. On the same day I was rejected, my college basically kicked me out and I was put in-patient....

So now three months later, I have nothing. I still spend most of my time alone. I have no motivation whatsoever to try in my summer courses, which I need to get good grades in if i want to transfer schools. Even then, I'm basically stuck going to community college for at least a semester, which I'm sure will be lonely...My parents are naive and completely clueless about my condition. It's hard to imagine ever going anywhere in life.

It's also hard to think of anything good that has come from therapy. Their "solution" is to put a spin on your problems or remind you that there are people out there also struggling. While I certainly sympathize with all those who feel as bad as I do, I've never bought into their methods at all. In all honesty, reading or watching something funny is far more helpful than any counseling or any pharmaceutical anti-depressant.

Hello zqfmgb,

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. I understand your concerns regarding therapy. After all, depression tells us that we can't, won't, don't deserve to get better. It makes us sceptical that anyone can help. And help by merely talking! Outrageous. And yet what are you doing now? You are expressing yourself, "listening" to other people and trying to gain some support from others. Maybe you should think again about the value of talking. Are there any survivors groups near you? Maybe you would benefit from a group environment where others have personal experience of what you are going through. A bit like here but face to face. Then again maybe you should look into therapy techniques. Some forms of therapy appear to me to be an attempt to "trick" ones self into believing something different. Yet those same therapies help lots of people. I suspect you will find something which works for you.

And work is the right word to focus on. What you want to accomplish is not easy. You need to treat it as a job in some ways. Yes, watching something funny can help, indeed can be a valuable part of your recovery. But you need to build on those moments of being relatively depression free. Even if all a therapist can do for you is convince you that you are not the only one, that your experiences are not "weakness", that you need help, that can be a life saver.

Try to compare your problems with other types of problems. If you have problems making friends, well that is in my opinion to be expected. If you had a broken leg, would you beat yourself up because you couldn't run for a bus? You appear to be very depressed, so to some extent you should expect certain things. There is a physical dimension to depression. Are you fighting that battle too? Are you exercising? Have you examined the behaviours you repeat which stop you making friends? Could someone help you examine these issues if you let them get to know you? In my experience self awareness comes first, then the long hard road to change. What is your diet like? Are you responsible for what you eat? When you eat and how much? Even if you can't talk effectively, I'm trying to point out that you can fight back in different ways.

Are you quite young? When I was at university and had to drop out to look after my then partner it felt like the end of the world. That was 15 years ago. I'm currently doing a history degree. This counts as a form of therapy for me. It is giving me much needed closure, restoring my self respect, and I'm learning things I feel have value. Life doesn't begin and end at school. If I believed it did, I would be long gone.

For me, I will not let it win. I don't care how hard it is, it will not win. I, like you, cannot always see how to win, cannot work out what to do next. That is when you need others the most. Learn some skills, talk to those who also have similar experiences, relax your view of what it takes to have a happy life. It's got to be worth a try.

Hi zqf

It sounds like you really have had a hard time, but things can change.
We don't know what tomorrow may bring. You may not always be lonely.
You say your parents do not understand. Have you tried to really sit down and talk to them about this?

There is always a new day, where the chance of something good may come along.

Trace