I'm doing reasonably well on meds and recovery in general. But I still have moments of darkness, and I still think of suicide some times. I haven't acted on my thoughts since I was 15 (20+ yrs ago).

Haven't told pdoc or hub that these thoughts are still happening. I don't like it, but I guess I've become used to it. Is it normal? Is this just another of the joys of depression and meds?

i'm not sure suicidal thoughts are normal at all, i think thinking about death is normal for every human being but thinking about suicide isn't. if you do have suicidal feelings or tendencies no matter how small they might seem to you, always make sure you talk to your dr right away. your dr can and will help you. you are saying these thoughts are bothering you, make sure you mention all this in detail to your pdoc!

~adorabelle

When I slip into a depressive phase I sometimes feel like I want to give up on life, but never act on it. I believe depression and sucidial thoughts go hand in hand--it seems like the easy way to end your problems. As long as you are rational enough to realize that it will not help and do not act on your thoughts I do not think it is too out of the ordinary.

hi piffle, just wanted to let you know that i have suicidal thoughts at the strangest times. they seem to make no sense to me because my meds are working and i feel great. for example i was out with a big group of friends for the weekend. we were all having the best time when i saw a metal gurder accross the ceiling. i thought that would be a great place to end it all.?????? i dont know why i have these thoughts. i wouldnt act on them, but i have to put up with dealing with those strange thoughts. i dont like these thoughts but i know they dont mean anything to me because i can deal with my depression. it can be pretty scarey, but i think if you talk to someone you trust they would be glad you came to them. you'll know when your ready to tell someone. but please dont suffer in silence, your not going to annoy anyone.

OK, so maybe suicidal thoughts are not "normal" for non-depressives. But it seems that for the depressed it is at least "common". Unfortunately.

I don't want to talk to my doc or hub about it for the following reasons:

1. I'm finally stepping down on my meds. If my doc knows about the thoughts, she probably won't let me do this and might even make me go back up. I just can't handle the side effects.

2. Doc wants me to go back to therapy. I can't afford the time or $. And I'm focusing on my marriage right now. I don't have the mental energy to go to marital therapy, take care of my family, and do my own therapy at the same time.

3. I'm afraid my hub will think I bring it up to get some kind of attention. He doesn't understand depression at all.

4. I don't think I'm necessarily suicidal. Or am I? Are suicidal thoughts just a symptom that one is a ticking timebomb?

This post has been edited by suburgatory: Mar 7 2008, 01:14 PM

Hi Piffle,

Unfortunately for some of us who battle with depression suicidal thoughts have this nasty way of just creeping up on us sometimes when we least expect it.
You mentioned you are focusing on your marital relationship at the moment and that you do not have the time or energy for personal therapy at the moment. May I suggest that you rethink this though especially if you are undergoing marital counselling. Marital counselling can be quite stressful in it's own right and it might help to have some place for just you to debrief from these sessions as an adjunct to the marital therapy. Having been there myself many years ago I did find that this did help me somewhat. It was extremely good for me when issues I had to take responsiblity for were raised to have someone else to talk it through with after.

Just a thought to keep in mind.
Wishing you all the best.
Michelle

This is a really good point Michelle - you're probably right. Thank you.

But do I have to tell the therapist then that I have suicidal thoughts? I guess part of me is afraid that they'll up my meds or call those little dudes with the white coats.

Although they may not seem very large, these thoughts can progress and get worse. Please do take care of yourself and tell the doctor.

Piffle,

in order to receive the best treatment possible, your doctor has to know how you are really feeling. unfortunately, they can't look into our minds for us. don't be afraid to communicate with your doctor, let him know about everything... including the stress you feel with another increased dosage in meds, your marriage, taking care of your family, money (especially money, they can usually work with you on the coding of visits so your insurance might cover it) etc, etc... they will take that into consideration and help you, don't feel that you have to do this all by yourself.