So I finally got an ultimatum today from my spouse of 21+ years: come clean or it's over. I am so scared .... I've been shaking with chills, my stomach feels like someone put a bag of cement in it, and I feel anxious and lost, but I have to do this somehow.

I've found this forum and am just sitting here in my office at work with the door closed, trying hard not to lose it but I'm on the verge of just falling apart weeping. I took my daily dose of Celexa already and if I thought it would help I'd gobble down the entire bottle. My internist has already told me that if it doesn't work then I have to find a psychiatrist. The insurance I have with my current job has lower co-pays so maybe I should. I've tried everything else.

I've done it for the same reasons all of you have: because if "they" found out what I was really like, they'd turn against me; because it was just easier than trying to explain what an insecure mess I feel I am on the inside; because when I was a kid, anything I expressed an interest in that my parents didn't share was immediately subjected to endless, merciless ridicule so I quickly learned to just shut up and keep anything I cared about a secret;because I wanted to seem like a better person than I really am; because I hoped that if I held out long enough, I'd find a way to make it all come true. You all know how it goes.

I've been sitting here asking myself: OK, this relationship is already on the rocks. So I own up to keeping the finances to myself, to owing more on my student loans and credit cards than I've ever admitted (but hey, I'm in credit counseling and getting a handle on things), to trying to keep this quiet because I'm supposed to be the responsible one who takes care of things, etc. etc.

What's the worst that could possibly happen?

Scenario 1) it's over and we go our separate ways

Scenario 2) we'll work things out and I'll have a clean slate - with a real fresh start instead of my saying it's a fresh start while my mind frantically races to think of ways to keep anything I might have forgotten about or been too ashamed to mention from being found out.

So either way, I'm free of the lies at last. I really wouldn't blame him for leaving; I don't think I would have put up with me for this long. It would be nice if I could feel secure and loved enough to be accepted with my faults and imperfections, but if I'm not, well, so be it. Maybe this will be the rock bottom point I will reach to start again. I wish my spouse was more accepting of the fact that I do have a mental illness, but I'll deal with that later.

I read this quote and it really hit home:

QUOTE (Liarsdetox @ Aug 12 2008, 11:08 AM)
"My heart goes out to you lifelong; my lies felt like they were to protect the ones you love most from the terrible truth in hope that you could make it better before they realized. It was not because I was evil or trying to deceive but i felt like i was trying to protect and hide from evil and shame."


This is exactly how I feel. Love the screen name too!

How do we stop? I guess the first thing to do is be proactive. I was planning to do the coming clean last night, but I just wasn't emotionally able to cope. I don't know if I am today, but there's no putting it off anymore.

Just sit down with your loved ones and admit you've got a lying problem and try to explain why. Yes, the hardest thing for us to do is see the disappointment, the shock, the sadness. That's even worse than the anger. But look at it this way: if they didn't love us, would they offer us the chance to try and change?

I know I'll probably lie again. But I hope that if and when that happens, I'll be able to take a deep breath, pause and then say immediately, "No, that's not true" and start again, only with the true version. It'll be a hard habit to break (and i'm a Gemini, which makes it even worse), but if we keep trying, maybe we can make it. Asking for help and positive reinforcement will go a long way toward making it easier to accept yourself.

Again, just ask yourself: OK, so if I tell the truth about (x), what's the worst that can possibly happen? Chances are your worst fears will prove to be unfounded. And if not, well, the sun will still come up tomorrow and the world will keep on turning.

"Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen."