Hi.

I'm very new to all of this and most people seem to be really knowledgeable and have been taking these meds for years. I'm on 20mg of Citalopram daily, and have been taking it for 3 and a half weeks now, with no real noticeable effects, either side effects or positive ones. I'm on my meds because of one extremely traumatic event, which in itself gave me a lot of the negative side effects people are discussing here as effects of the drugs. So I have no idea if my trouble sleeping is due to my citalopram or because I'm still having problems coping. I have Zopliclone to help me get some sleep sometimes. But what I mean is I didn't even know conclusively if I was depressed or not to start with.

I have difficulty with my moods - particularly anger and being constantly on the verge of tears. But I do still laugh sometimes, which most people on here say they can't. With what's happened to me, everyone just keeps putting me on meds or telling me how to feel and what to do, and because the foundations of my world have been shaken so much I don't know what to think any more. I just do what people around me say, which is how I ended up on the Citalopram. But it doesn't seem to be doing very much and I wonder if I should even be on SSRIs at all.

Please help me, I feel crazy, and no one 'sane' (I say that with my tongue firmly in my cheek..) takes me seriously when I say stuff like this. Going through what I went through has been such a blessing because it has shown me what an amazing support network of family and friends I have, but has been a curse (asides the nasty event itself) because I don't feel I have any privacy or identity any more. I'm just told how I am. Does anyone else feel like this? Should I be here? How does anyone know they are depressed so simply?

Hi Wench,

It can be really hard to realise if you are depressed if you've never experienced it before. I think somewhere on this site there is a checklist, like the one they give you at the doctor, where you can answer some questions to give yourself a better idea but if you're anything like me, the answer to those questions could change by the hour.
Depression can be caused by a traumatic event but at the same time sometimes after such an event, we need time to recover and recuperate, but this doesn't necessarily mean that we have depression. For example, when someone close to us dies it's likely that we feel very depressed while we are grieving - but this is normal and doesn't mean we have long-term depression. However if you're finding that you can't pull yourself out of this 'slump' after a while, then maybe you do need extra help.
Citalopram can definitely give you trouble sleeping when you first take it or if you take it at night time. As for the laughing thing - I often laugh and can still have a good time when I'm depressed. It's just that generally - especially when I'm alone - I have a very low mood. So laughing doesn't mean that you're not depressed.
It;s very hard for you to know what you should do. However if the doctor thought you were depressed then maybe there is something there. Do you trust their opinion? How much time has passed since this event? Also, the Citalopram can take up to 2 months to kick in and start working properly and also some people need a higher dose than 20mg as that's fairly low.
You should definitely be here because you're trying to help yourself so don't worry about that. I don't think there is a simple way to know. How did youu used to feel before this event happened? xxx

Hi,

Thank you both for your replies. It's so comforting to have normal people rather than doctors telling me about this stuff. Most people on here know because they've been through it themselves, or something similar, and that's a very valuable resource for me to have access to. PRT, I definitely agree about those questionnaires being changeable. That's why it felt melodramatic saying the things I did on them. I do feel the extremities of what they talk about, but not all day long!

In answer to your question, the incident happened 4 months ago. Which you might think is too soon for me to ask for medicated help from my uni doctor, but I went to them as a last resort. I don't really know them or trust them, but I was desperate. My behaviour and mood swings had become uncontrollable and I would cry for days on end. My sleep had become non-existent and that was what I originally went to them for - sleeping aids, but they put me on the citalopram too and told me I was depressed. I take my citalopram in the morning to avoid sleep problems - but it might not be working judging by my sleep recently. Do you know if it can give you bad nightmares? Because the reason I don't really sleep at the moment is because I'm afraid to, my nightmares usually upset me for the whole of the next day, even though I know they aren't real.

I'm going to hang on in there with the citalopram for at least the next month and then if still no dice, I'll go back to them and ask for more help. Before this all happened I was happy and confident with people. I went out a lot, dated, and felt totally secure in myself. I didn't have body hang-ups or anything like that really, I was just happy and a little stressed around the edges sometimes with my degree course. I was perfectly normal and people relied on me to sort out their problems. Now I have lost friends because they (knowing what happened) don't know what to do or say to me. No one knows how to act around me and I can't tell them. I feel like a circus freak. Don't get me wrong, I've come a long way in 4 months. I can leave the house now, get public transport, go to the supermarket or other crowded places for limited periods of time. I can function if I have to. But most days I don't feel motivated enough to put myself through those things. I'd rather just stay in bed and lie there. And my self esteem is the worst it has ever been. I find looking at myself in a mirror painful.

And that's what I really hate about the whole thing. I used to be amazing. Now I'm s***. And I just cry and cry and cry and it never gets any closer to being back how it was. And I hate being helpless. xxx

Hi again Wench,

Well if it's any help at all you certainly do sound as if you are depressed so I woudn't worry about being misdiagnosed. I don't think 4 months is too quick to ask for help at all. It's quite a long time to be feeling so awful actually. The sleep problems usually settle down after about a month. You may need to up your dose to 40mg if you still see no benefits though. I did that (obviously with doctor's advice) and it works much better than 20mg. As for the dreams - because the level of serotonin is increased in your brain, this can bring about very vivid dreams. It won't give you nightmares necessarily - that really depends on what your brain is trying to tell you. I had a nightmare about work last night which doesn't sound very scary but it was upsetting. Sometimes though I get good dreams. It's scary at first because they can see very real - especially if you take your tablet at night! There is a thread on the Water Cooler forum (I think) where Trace will interpret your dreams for you. It can be quite useful if you're not sure why you're having them.
It's hard to go from being someone who is in the middle of things to someone on the outside. This illness doesn't mean that that 'happy' version of you is lost though. It's just otherwise occupied at the moment. If there is a specific event that you're having trouble getting over, it might be a good idea to talk to a counsellor. Because you were confident before, it should be possible to get back to this, if only you can deal with the emotions that you're experiencing because of this event. I'm sure your real friends will stick by you. Things like this that happen always show us who the important people are.
xxx

Yo PRT,

I'm actually seeing a counsellor at the moment, and have been for 2 months. But I find the whole counselling thing a bit....rubbish. It's not because I don't talk, I do, it just doesn't make me feel any better. My counsellor's very nice, and I'm going to continue with her because I don't think it's her fault or anything, and who knows? It may suddenly prove fruitful. But maybe I'm just not compatible with counselling? Everyone seems to think it's this magic wand which you work through your problem with and it solves everything. I think that might be the case if you weren't speaking to other people about your problems or maybe you were having problems opening up. I'm an unnaturally open person, if I'm having problems I talk when I need to with family and friends and they are all very supportive. I think it helps them to understand how I'm feeling and why, and also how to treat me if I explain and interperet my feelings and thoughts with them daily.

I find counselling unnatural because instead of talking to someone who knows me and cares like a friend or family member, I'm talking to someone who just sits and listens without that degree of unprofessional care involved. I find it about as productive as talking to a brick wall, and I'd much rather talk to a real person with facial expressions and responses. I'm hoping that over time, meds will help, talking incessantly will help, and if I just force myself to do stuff and accomplish little goals I'll get back a degree of normality someday. Counselling? I'm still a skeptic. But I will never be the same. And that's a killer, but it's true. xxx

Lol! I don't think you need to continue the counselling just because she's a nice person!! If you're not finding it helpful then there's really no point. It could be that you'd benefit from a different kind. Something that challenges whatever negative beliefs you're having. Or, like you said, it doesn't work for everyone. I don't think it's a magic wand but it does force me to be honest with myself and my counsellor notices things that I don't always.
I suppose maybe you won't be the same again but you might be happy but in a different way. Someone close to me had something pretty traumatic happen to them and it definitely changed them for good but actually they changed for the better in lots of ways. You sound really mature about the whole thing though and you're obviously doing everything you can to get back on track so there's no reason that it won't work. Like you say, little goals are the way to go. You have a nice picture on your profile by the way! xx

Well, thank you kindly! Today is a good day. I wish I always felt this strong. Maybe my meds are finally kicking in...touch wood.... :D xxx