Seven months ago I realized that managing my illness with willpower, denial, and self-medication wasn't working. I had been diagnosed with depression in 1985, with symptoms going back several years before that. I took several anti-depressants with no positive results, but mostly I tried to manage my symptoms without medication or therapy. I thought I was OK.

Two days before last Thanksigiving, I found myself virtually homeless, moving from one cheap motel to another, no longer welcome in my own home. My life was swirling down the drain, and I felt powerless to stop it. If not for the intervention and assistance of a very good friend, I would have died alone. I knew I needed help.

Frustrated with my lack of success finding help over the holiday weekend, I slipped back into denial. When you're insured, none of the local public facilities want anything to do with you, unless you're an immediate danger to yourself or others. Based on past experiences, I lied about my risk of self-harm, because I didn't want to be involuntarily held, as I have in the past.

Eventually, I was able to pull myself out of the vicious circle of despair long enough to find a therapist who could see me. Insurance issues ensued, and three therapists later, I finally have found one that I have built a rapport with and feel like I'm making progress.

Three months after my crisis began, I was finally able to get into to see a psychiatrist. The first round of medications threw me into a hypomanic state, which sealed the deal. I am bipolar, not simply depressed. Looking back at my life, I can see the symptoms and cycles plainly now.

After a seemingly endless series of med adjustments, I feel like my moods are stabilizing.... but....

I have some quality-of-life issues due to side effects of my meds (Lamictal, Klonopin, Seroquel). Heavily sedated at night so I can sleep. Hung over every morning unless I can sleep until 10:30 or 11:00 (I work, so it's not really an option). Cognitive impairment. Mild paranoia. Sometimes my skin crawls when someone touches me.

I used to rarely recall dreams, and lately, I've been having terrifying graphic nightmares. They're so horrifying, I would never admit to anyone that I have such dreams. Dreams of violence, murder, suicide, and much worse. I can't recall the last time I had a "good" dream, it's been so long.

All of this leaves me wondering if I was better off not being treated, wishing I could go off my meds, thinking that this is as good as it gets. Sometimes I miss the "ups", and lately it seems like my mood has stabilized to a mild low mood most of the time. All of these side effects are making it nearly impossible to function at work. My average performance was better when I was "sick".

I don't expect to find any answers here, I guess I just needed to vent.

It sounds like maybe your combination of meds aren't working for you, is there any chance you could tweak your doses or try new ones to attempt to rectify this? I am newly diagnosed as bipolar so I'm probably not much help, but to me this seems like a medication issue. I hope you're okay.

Hi LifeGoesOn

Bipolar is such a hard illness to live with.
I am glad that you did seek help. It can be difficult finding the right mix of meds for you and as Shizuku said, it may be worthwhile going to your pdoc and explaining all of this, as they can adjust your meds so that you can get the best results for you.

Trace

I saw my pdoc on 6/19, and I did tell him about most of what's going on. Unfortunately, I only see him for 20 minutes, not nearly enough time to go over everything. He did increase my dose of Seroquel, and he considered also increasing my Lamictal, but only wants to adjust one at a time whenever possible. He also wants me to take some medical leave from work - I'm starting to think that might be a good idea.

I see him again on Monday, and I'll make sure to go over everything with him at that time.

Hello you!

Welcome to the forum, and it is wonderful to see the great strides you have already taken towards wellness. I want to really really encourage you to keep going.

I also want to say that I really understand the hard times you are going through now, and all the doubts and struggles of these times. May I assure you that these will go away, definitely, they WILL, and that it is worth going through all the struggles to get stabilised on your meds, and live a "normal" contented life.

I have been to hell and back the past year with med changes and having to accept and adapt to a new, stabilised life. My life has changed dramatically, but I have become content and the inner peace which I always dreamed of, is becoming reality.

I hope this helps?

Hi LifeGoesOn,

I really hope you are feeling better and your pdoc is tackling some of your issues. I don't know what you are going through, but, I appreciate your determination through the ups and downs. I have faith that it will work out and in time, (hopefully sooner than later) you will have the quality of life you seek.
I hope the nightmares start to subside. I don't know what, if anything, you have control over caused them, or can lessen them. Just know that you have support and we are here for you.

findingstrength

Thanks for the kind support.

I saw my pdoc again on Monday, he has asked me to ramp up my Lamictal to 300mg over the next week (was 150mg). In addition, we're going to do some adjustments on the Seroquel and Clonazepam to see what's causing all of my cognitive issues.

The nightmares continue. Not every night, for which I am thankful, but on the nights when they do visit me, I rarely get any kind of restful sleep. Last night, I got maybe two hours of uninterrupted sleep, the rest of the night was spent tossing and turning, despite the sedation.

Surprisingly, I'm not really tired at all today. That's obviously something to keep an eye on, as my symptoms are very much tied to my sleep patterns.

Hi, Life,

I wonder if you have taken some time off work - it might actually be a good idea, as long as you don't stay at home alone, which could cause you to go depressed?

Just want to pop in to say - well, just hello.

Space

I haven't, at least not since March. Pdoc says he will write a note for work if I get to the point where I feel I'm not effective in my job.

I just stopped taking clonazapam 5 days ago. I do feel a lot more energy and not as much foggy-ness, not dull or feelings of having 1/2 my IQ. My brain does feel like it is starting to move faster and faster. Although I am feeling manic-y with some racing broken thoughts. Feels like I'm flipping back and forth from feeling really good to aggitated/moderate rage, to the point I smashed my DVD player last night. It was a friends disk so now I have to buy her a new one..
I wanted to switch back to ativan to try and be rid of some of the cognitive S/Es of the combo of Lamictal/seroquel/clonazapam. He was against lowering lamictal, and I can't sleep without seroquel. I took 2 weeks to wean off the clon and started taking ativan, 2 mgs in between doses. Had an appointment today with the doc, he upped the ativan to up to 4mgs a day if needed. He was concerned with the aggitation and racing thoughts. But he knows if things get to outta wack, I'll call.
I think it was the combination, and clonazapam was the safest on to switch. We'll see!

I am enjoying this lost energy though, other than the anger, it feels good to feel more alive rather than dumbed down.