I'm curious. I had my first bout of depression in my late teens which lasted about three years and now it's returned for the past two years. My official diagnosis has always been dysthymia with concurrent major depression.

My main reason for posting is that my depression seems different from what a lot of other people describe. I have a general low mood thats characteristic of dysthymia but I also have acute dysphoric episodes that last several hours per day and tend to recur each day for a week or so. During these episodes I don't necessarily experience a melancholy type of sadness per se. It's more a painful feeling of boredom/emptiness and a general lack of ability to entertain positive thoughts. Yet the way I describe it in the previous sentence is an understatement. I don't think there's any good descriptive word for this feeling. It can grow to such a degree that it feels acute, as if at some point I might need to take action to alleviate it. I usually notice a feeling of pressure behind my eyes and a really nasty sinking feeling in my chest. I also become extremely bitter and feel full of hostility and rage. It's like a black hole of negative energy descends on me.

It also seems to occur in the late evening or at night. Instead of the normal feeling of sleepiness there's an all encompassing emotional weariness with no access to rest or peace. The emotional flatness is so terrible that all I can feel is the negative energy. I start thinking about all things unjust in the world, people getting tossed about and neglected, about how I really want to bring all the people "on the top" down. I have fantasies about equaling things out by mass-slaughtering all people with too much money. I just start seething with hate. It's like I need to feel all this negativity because it's the only thing I can feel to avoid the emptiness. It isn't until I reach a point of utter exhaustion that I can begin to rest. I'm often kept up late and lose sleep because of this and the more sleep deprived I become the more likely it is to keep occurring from one day to the next.

Is this bipolar related or what? What's wrong with me?

This post has been edited by frostfern: Jul 11 2009, 05:36 AM

Hi frostfern,

From what you say , you seem to be suffering more depression than Bipolar, however I am not bipolar myself and can be sure. Your feelings are a bit up and down and this can happen in clinical depression . Do you gave and manic episodes - ever. The fact you had a two year break from depression is another factor.

What does your PsyDoc say - have you been put on meds again, and if so what meds.?

What diagnosis have you been given? Check with your Doc for further advice and tell him how you are feeling.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow

Hmm.. It does sound more like some sort of a clinical depression, but..
Do you have up-turns at all? Periods of time when you feel very stressed, aggitated, irritable, unable to sit still, euphorically happy, just filled with energy, unable to sleep, etc, or any of the other symptoms describing the manic part which would include in Bipolar condition? You should read the pinned information on this page. It`s quite good and helpful :)

And yes, how long have you seen your therapist, and how thouroughly did he test you before giving you the diagnosis?
You should tell him if you are unsure about it. Read around here, do some research first. It helps when it comes to talking to your shrinker about it, that you have thought a bit about these things.

C.

It does not sound like bipolar to me. It sounds like serious depression with a dash of other things added, and I think you need to give that post to a pshychiatrist for a proper investigation.

Unfortunately the lot of us here are just not really qualified to tell? However, we are here to support you when you are feeling rough, and just to say - well, stay close!

That depends on what you mean by up-turns. I never feel euphorically happy. I have periods where I feel like I'm in a very "analytical" mood where I stay up late thinking about academic subjects. I would describe my energy level as fairly neutral though, only my mind is active. The depression comes very quickly just as I'm starting to lose interest. I get extremely irritable and explosively angry. I've broken doors and put holes in my wall. That's not ordinary depression from what I gather.

Anyways. I've already read all the clinical descriptions and nothing truly fits me. The reason I'm so concerned is I've been on various different anti-depressants for over 10 years now. I've never noticed any profound positive effect from any particular drug. I don't have a lot of confidence in shrinks anymore. They've given up on me. It'd just be nice to know if anyone can relate to what I'm going through. I feel like I'm all alone in this.

Oh, man, you are NEVER alone. Especially not on this site! There are fantastic people here, who will always support and help you - they have helped me tremendously.

I sincerely identify with your anger outbursts, and have had them as well - many times - in fact, they are legendary! I have had other elements too which are clear bipolar things.... tell me
the state of your finances?
your relationships with others, especially the physical side?


I have to honestly say that I do not do too well with therapists and psychiatrists either. (I find HUGE relief from chatting on this, and another website, however this site is the best. By asking questions, relating to others, etc etc, that is worth far more to me than sitting talking to someone who only read about the symptoms, seldom experienced and lived it. Trace, PRT, Burgy, in particular are the people whom I identify with, and my fav's...!!! )

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and I'm on medications, currently a combination Zoloft and Wellbutrin. The medications do seem to stop me from feeling down all the time, but they don't get rid of the those brief but extreme downturns I experience or the anger and anxiety that seems to suddenly come out of nowhere.

Probably what disqualifies me from Bipolar is the lack of cycles. I'm just generally emotionally unstable. I have no prolonged "elevated" periods. I can be feeling neutral or slightly up one day and feel like I've hit rock bottom the next.

Frostfern,

I have Bipolar II, and from what I read you do not sound Bipolar to me at all. Unless there are things that you are not posting about, Bipolar is out.

It might be an idea for a doctor to put you on a mood stabiliser?

Hi frostfern,

I agree that you do not seem to have the symptoms of bipolar. However people with depression can manifest other symptoms like being angry and emotional, I know I have felt that way myself.

It may be that some people are very emotional in depression and other just numb and lifeless. It can effect different people in so many different ways. You are on two mood stablisers at the moment and it might be time to switch to another med.

Have a chat with your Doc, as you know getting the right and effective medication is all about trial and error and it does take time to get it right ( I have found)

Best Wishes

Jim Bow

I am not sure if it is a particular thing of Bipolars that we do not read properly, however it is a particular problem of mine! I just did not realise that the meds you are on include stabilisers - apologies and thanks to Jimbow.


There are other aspects to bipolar in the (hypo) mania side which people sometimes lose sight of, as we seldom openly talk about it. The depression side certainly is known and easily discussed, but seldom is the other side openly discussed. You are not mentioning any of those, unless as I asked earlier, you are not giving all the info, so ... no, no bipolar!

Let me clarify the drugs you are taking. Zoloft is an SSRI and Wellbutrin is an SNRI-both are antidepressants, not mood stabilizers. You can read about Zoloft and Wellbutrin in the Medication Forum further down the menu.

frostfern, BP is very hard to diagnose without a long, detailed mental health history as it contains components of many other mental illnesses. From what you described about your mental state, it doesn't sound like Bipolar to me. However, there are currently 3 types of BP listed in the DSM-IV with the possibility of a fourth type to be added. Discuss your mood states with your pdoc for advice and feedback regarding your diagnosis. Print out your post(s) and take them with you for your appointment.

BTW, if I only took anti-depressants, I would be bouncing off the walls in a wild manic state.

Sheepwoman

I agree. I'm quite certain I've never been manic. Though I seem to have an intermittent type of depression that changes in intensity over time but never completely goes away.

I've been debating the idea of going on a mood stabilizer (I assume by mood stabilizer you mean the atypical-neuroleptic category) with my psychiatrist. I'm just worried about the side effects, especially weight gain. Back when I was experimenting with different antidepressants the side effects often upset me so much that my mood got worse. Zoloft was one of the only medications I've managed to tolerate well.

Perhaps this thread should be moved to a different sub-forum since I'm not really discussing bipolar.