(Writing this post is extremely uncomfortable for me...)

I'm not feeling that great tonight...my emotions are all over the place.

I am doing a little self-soothing (good music, scented candles, dim lights, comfy blanket, etc.) so I'm feeling better than I was a couple of hours ago. But I still feel agitated, bored, lonely, restless, am thinking too much, then my mind goes blank, and so on.

There are only a limited number of people I can reach out to and I never really do that all too well anyway. I never know what to say so I usually just suffer in silence when I'm feeling this way. I don't want to dump my problems on anyone, I don't want them to feel uncomfortable trying to find something to say to cheer me up, I don't want advice from people who aren't really familiar with the types of feelings that I have (i.e., who oversimplify my situation), and I don't want (in the absence of me talking) anyone to dump their problems on me.

I don't know what I want. I guess I just wanted to say something, to reach out.

Please feel free to respond with anything. You can talk about your day (even if it was s***ty...the problems here are okay with me), your thoughts, what you're doing now, what you'd like to be doing now, what you do to make yourself feel better..anything.

I think I just need to connect with someone/something outside myself tonight.

(Again, this was REALLY hard to post...thanks for reading and, hopefully, responding.)

Hello, Frangipangi.
I've felt that way before, but I never tried posting here. It seems too difficult. It's easier to just read and see if it helps and if not, I just go to sleep. Or, if I'm at work, I just get back to work, of course.
I know it's hard to "dump" on the people you care about, and at the same time it's hard to hear their problems because it either seems silly compared to your worries, or it just adds to your worries. I understand that feeling, too.
I usually don't enjoy TV because most shows are what I call stressful. They just stress me out. One show I do like is Ghost Hunters because there's absolutely no plot, but it's still a little interesting. You can watch it free online at the SciFi chanel's website.
I wish I could do the candles and dim lights and stuff, but my lights only have 2 settings, on and off. Candles cost money (hate the economy, sorry, mood swing.)
Anyways, I guess I just wanted to reach out, too. I don't know if this helped, but happy reading.

Hi siobhanatooty,

I can't tell you how much your response helped. It's exactly the kind of thing I was looking for. It meant a lot to me and has already picked up my mood a bit. (I started getting worse when no one responded.)

I did read happily, and will check out Ghost Hunters. Good suggestion! Thanks!

Frangipani,

I applaud your bravery in posting. I will never fail to marvel how life sometimes seems to hamstring us when we most need certain traits/coping mechanisms to survive. In the very act of coming here and reaching out, you are fighting your demons most admirably.

I had my gall bladder taken out about 6 years ago. I remember being in the room late at night in the dark, waiting, alone, in pain, and feeling frantic about being tethered to the bed by the saline drip in my arm. I looked at the clock, internally screaming for a release from this prison. Depression was a very similar prison for me. It sounds like this is maybe a little how you are feeling now?

The more depressed we are, the more we feel we are a bother to others. For me, my very existence seemed abhorrent to me. It is possible it simply is your personality that is preventing you from seeking help, and it is possible it is depression making the choices for you - but I found reaching out helped a marvelous amount. It was scary and I started small. What I've found, at least among the women I know, is depression is a familiar beast to many. And there are people you simply won't feel comfortable telling - for me that includes my mother and father even though I love them.


I was bawling daily for months (and as far as I know, I've never had any depression prior to this year) and now I am here because it has become a hobby and I feel like it's been part of my mental maintenance plan. I'm afraid of a backslide - I've only been doing a lot better for about a month or less. I was ashamed of my depression, but I knew I had to get help so I kept looking for answers. Based on these forums, that journey seems to be very individual. Keep searching and believing. We're here with you!

Nicky

This post has been edited by NickyLynn: Nov 7 2008, 11:54 PM

I definitely understand how you're feeling, when I feel like that I just turn the music on loud and pace around the room to it.
I guess it's best to keep busy.
I still want to reach out but I've sort of given up on it, because every time I did people just told me what I'm supposed to be doing when I really just wanted to be heard.
Anyway I hope you feel better soon and eat something sweet, a bit of chocolate always makes me feel better.

Hi Nicky,

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I really struggled with the decision to post (and desperately wanted to delete it an hour later!) but finally figured I should try taking this step so I can maybe start getting over this massive fear of reaching out to people.

I'm so sorry about your gall bladder; your comparison between the hospital prison and the prison of depression sounds very appropriate. That's what I was feeling a couple of years ago when I was going through a major depressive episode. Now, lately, I'm not so much depressed as swinging wildly between moods. So I know this is a "mini" depression and that the mood will pass--into I don't know what, but it will pass--but in the meantime, it can still feel unbearable.

I'm pretty comfortable talking to the people in my life about my symptoms but I often leave the conversation feeling like I was either boring them with all my talk about something they don't experience or disappointed that they really don't understand what's going on. Many times I get off the phone and feel even worse than I did before I got on it.

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better. It's great that you still come here; it's a great benefit for you AND for us!

Thanks again for your support. It really meant a lot to me.

Thanks, Vicky.

I understand what you mean about reaching out. That's why it was so hard for me to do it this time. But I've found that most of the people here are unlike the people I've reached out to in the past. There's so much support and kindness and openness here; I'm glad I ultimately posted.

Distraction is one of the DBT skills I'm supposed to be using but I keep forgetting to use them. And when I do finally remember, my brain feels so messed up that I don't know what to do first. Thanks for reminding me that "it's best to keep busy".

As for the chocolate, great idea...I think there's a little fudge cake in my freezer that'll be coming out tonight. :)

I found it so hard to reach out to anybody too. I was torn because I so desperately wanted somebody to help me, but I was so afraid so I kept acting like I was ok. Eventually I couldn't, and had to open up. It was terrifying...and beautiful. Slowly, one by one I started opening up, and I was supported. My friendships didn't die, in fact they have gotten stronger because I'm being real and authentic, and my friends feel good because I trusted them.

I'm so glad you posted here. These boards are really helping me too.

And sometimes its ok to curl up and cry if you need too.

Thanks tilly,

It still feels scary but I'm glad I reached out tonight. And I'm extremely grateful for the responses that I got. They've all been very helpful. I can truly say I'm feeling a lot better now than when I first posted.

Thanks again!

I don't reach out either. Instead I am sitting alone in silence crying right now. And if I did reach out. I don't know if there is anyone that could comfort me.

Hi Teresaa,

It was really hard for me to reach out but, once I did, I did receive comfort back. It was a risk but this has proven to me to be a safe place and reaching out here ultimately made me feel better.

I'm sorry you're sad right now. Keep posting...we're here for you.

hi

reaching out is always difficult because people never know what it is we are actually reaching for. i often feel like reaching out but like you said don't know who to reach out to or what to say.

I'm feeling this way again tonight. I know I can reach out to the people on DF but I don't even know what I'm reaching for. I don't know what to say...I'm having so much difficulty putting my feelings/needs into words.

This is an old thread but the same thing is happening again tonight.

I've been wanting to blog, wanting to post, wanting to scream, cry, throw things, etc. Instead, I'm just sitting here feeling miserable.

I'm sorry this isn't very detailed. There's just so much that I'm feeling that I don't know where to begin.

I don't know whether I should've just started a new post.

I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

(((((frangipani))))) Bless your heart honey!! I know how hard it is to reach out! I was the same way before and when I made my first ranting post. I felt like there was realy nothing anyone could do to help me and it was very personal and what was the point of blowing my crap all over everyone else. Then it just built up untill I did it and just articulating it was very helpful (I also almost deleted mine!) and then people started responding and just the fact that they cared enough to read my madness and cared that I hurt was such a blessing!! You were one of the first to respond to me and I thank you so much!! Anytime you feel like ranting sweetie you let it fly!! You aren't a bother to anyone!! You can't help how you are feeling!!! I love you!!!! XOXOXO Love Pearly

Thanks so much for responding, Pearly. It's nice to know that someone can give me support even when I'm having trouble articulating what's wrong or what I need.

What's wrong:
- I think I'm PMS'ing (it's hard to be sure as my cycles are irregular).
- I'm over-thinking everything and getting nothing done.
- I'm behind in school...added to that is the fact that I've started to hate going to my class...I often leave there feeling worse.
- My life is beginning to feel unmanageable...my emotions are all over the place and I'm not being productive...I'm spiraling down.
- I have no coping skills (at least none that aren't self-destructive).
- I've been feeling pretty good so I feel like this fall is a lot bigger than usual.
- Etc.

I feel like I have a lot of ranting that I want to do but don't even know where to begin. Even the above sounds too "clean"...my words aren't matching the intensity of my feelings right now.

Thanks again for responding. It really helped me get a little more off my chest. I still have more to let out but I guess it's just going to have to happen in bits and pieces. I'm really feeling conflicted because I want to stay positive but another side of me just wants to let go.

I'm so glad you are letting some things out honey!! I feel like things are piling up on me a lot too and I KNOW that sucks!! In my first ranting post just about all I talked about was how pi$$ed off and fed Up I was!!! Sometimes you just have to blow or "be salty" as Moose would say!! You can be salty here because we know how sweet you are and it's not going to change our minds about you one little bit!!!! Whenever you feel like it honey!!! XOXOXO Love Pearly

Thanks again, Pearly. I also liked Moose's "salty" thing.

I think I'm going to get salty in a blog entry. This was a good jumpstart to getting out what I've been trying to write on my blog for the past few days.

I really appreciate your support. It really means a lot to me tonight.

You mean a lot to me and to DF sweetie!! You are so very welcome!!! Yes, that was a good start indeed! You addressed a lot and I know it's great to get that out!!! XOXOXO Love Pearly