hi,
I wasnt sure where to put this, because i´m not officially diagnosed. But I think you know a lot about racing thoughts, so I wanted to ask here.

Since 2-3 weeks I have a bad phase again. I´m extremely depressed, but this isnt the worst thing.
I have horrible racing thoughts, I cant concentrate and I get anxious. I went home from work today again after spending some time in the bathroom, sticking needles into my arms, but without any success for that moment.

I have intermediate examination next week and there´s no way I can go there like this! My head is ******* me, every sound hurts (im becoming a tailor which means there are about 20 sewing machines around me), I cant concentrate and when I want to focus on a point my eyes start to flutter.
I´m having anxiety and I´m close to tears all the time. I just feel like I lost it!

I´m not on any medication (wished I was right now ), and I dont know what to do. Is there any way I can make me head stop with this s*** for at least one week? any sedative pills or sleeping pills that knock me out a bit?
My stopgap would be alcohol, but I´m happy that I´m not getting drunk that often anymore. there was a time I got drunk 3 times a week because of my racing thoughts and I dont want to go back there.

I just know I need to change something by monday!

Hi Illusion,

i have had this many times before and it's really not nice. If I were you I would visit your doctor and explain the situation and the high levels of anxiety and hopefully they may give you some anti-anxiety medication like a benzodiazepam to help you through it. I found them very helpful in stopping this although they do put you to sleep which isn't always the best thing!

Really hope you get it sorted xxx

I agree with PRT. When things get really bad, meds are the only thing that can actually calm me down. I tend to ruminate at times and that often leads to depression and major anxiety. It gets so bad I can't eat, can't sleep, and can't even stand to be anywhere with lights or sounds. It feels like my head is going to explode and I want to just get out of my own skin. I'm sure you know what it's like. When it gets to that point, anti-anxiety meds are a life saver for me. I try to hold off taking them as long as I can, but if I need them I take them.

I would go talk with your doc. See about getting started on an AD that works well for anxiety and depression (Zoloft, Lexapro, etc). Also see if he/she will give you something to help you through the first couple weeks of the start up SE's. That should take the edge off and give you a long term solution. Benzos are usually ok for short term, but unless they are absolutely needed, aren't good for long term. Once the AD's kick in, most don't need them as often, if at all.

If you don't want to take meds, CBT is a great thing for those racing thoughts and anxiety. I did 3 session with a therapist who taught me CBT and it made a huge difference. Likely as much, if not more than the meds.

Thanks for your advices!
But I´m still not sure what to do. I´m not doing any therapy (I´m still on a waiting list), so I would go to my normal doctor and tell him about it.
I did this about 3 months ago and ended up changing my doctor, because my old one was giving me meds and I took an overdose

So I dont want to repeat this and I definately dont want to tell my new doc that I have those problems. I wished there is any thing I could do to make it go away for a day. well I´m not even having it every day, but I´m in such a bad phase right now and I fear I wont be able to work on monday during my exam.

What if I take A LOT of sedative pills that day? I mean ones I dont need to get prescribed, so nothing dangerous or whatever.... I´m not sure if this would help, anyone tried that before?

@darcness: CBT is what I want to do when I start therapy. I´m even sure it could help me and I hope it will. But it will take a few more month before I finally have my first meeting with the therapist.

This post has been edited by illusion: Jun 17 2009, 05:04 PM

Did you overdose on benzos before? If so, then I suppose it's not a good idea to try them again. It's tempting to take them because they work so well, but some people can quickly become dependent on them. It's unfortunate because if you can control them, they can work wonders to get through those rough patches.

What you could do is ask your doctor for a very short term supply. Enough for a week or something of that sort. That way you can't have too many and the chance to overdose isn't there. If you're just honest with your doctor about, maybe he will work with you. If you don't think you can trust yourself, it might be the best thing for you to do.

CBT is a great tool for anxiety and excessive worry. I hope once you get into therapy it works out for you. It does for many, many people. Until then, I would keep in touch with your doctor and maybe try to work with him, but make sure you're honest about your past issues with the meds.

No advice really, just wanted to offer support. I hope you resolve your issues.

Thank you Moodymom!

@ darcness:
I overdosed on a SNRI (Venlafaxine). I´m not suicidal, but I have my "moments" in which I just lose control. I know about that and I know that I cant handle medication responsibly. I´m really ashamed of that but at least I know about my weakness.

I felt better yesterday, but today everything is back.
I go to the doctor today, but because I´m actually physically sick. I´m not sure yet if I´m gonna mention my problems. The last time I told my doctor about it my boyfriend came with me because I knew I would start crying. Today I´m alone and I just dont want to repeat that day.

On the other hand I wished I was brave enough to talk about it. I dont like medication, but during the last few days I really have the feeling I´m going crazy... I´m an A student and I dont want to mess up my exam because of this mind racing.
I know it´s up to me and that I am the one who has to change something if I want to get better... but I´m just so D*** afraid.
I´m not trying to deal with my problems, I only suppress them. I know its wrong... D***, I dont know what to do.

:(

You know I just remembered what I did when I was pregnant. This was long before I was diagnosed. Anyways, I meditated. I bought a CD from Chapters (you can buy them at most book stores or borrow one from the library). I would just lay there for 30 min or so and I honestly would feel so relaxed. Until you get the meds you need you may want to try this in the mean time. It really helped me when I was so stressed. I was having panic attacks daily, I convinced myself that I was going to lose my baby at the time. Dark place I am glad I am not in right now. Seriously try it. The worst thing that may happen is that you wasted 15$ or so. When you meditate your mind focuses and temporaily lets go of the stresses around you, I hope you will at least consider it.

I think your best off to try therapy and alternative methods (such as meditation) since you know you can't trust yourself with the meds. It's not a weakness because you recognize it and are in control of it. That alone takes a lot of strength to mange, so don't think it makes you any less of a person. Many people never get to that point and self medication is an evil beast that can consume you if you let it.

Also, if the alternatives don't seem to help enough, you can try what I said. If you're open and honest with your doc about the medication I'm sure you can work something out. They can prescribe you short term supplies that would make it basically impossible for you to OD on them. If it comes that that, it's definitely something to think about and discuss with your doc.

Hi Illusion,

I hope that you are feeling better. I have been where you are and have had issues with the benzos but they have been a necessity in certain situations. If in fact you are given a short term supply, I have someone in my life who will dispense them to me..Out of sight out of mind. Please know that many times the feelings will go away. So many ofus have different ways of managing this. Not the best solution as I am a non smoker but when I am at my wits end I go outside away from my home environment with a book and smoke one cig.

I am not suggesting this for you but it is possible there are other ways to hold on until you get the help you need...Also being alone was a trigger for me in this mindset..I would pack up and stay at my parents during this time...

I hope that you have contacted your Dr. to help you....you are in my good thoughts...Peace, Shannon

This post has been edited by Shannon2009: Jun 19 2009, 12:13 PM

Illusion

I agree with the others. In the time while you are at the waiting list for a therapist, tell your doctor that you need Diazepam (Benzo...), a doze that is big enough to calm you down each day, but only enough drugs for a very short period. You can have your prescriptions renewed regularly until this is over (not for a long period of time because the danger of getting addicted to it). In addition; the best thing you can do is to be active in getting your health better. Please try a relaxation tape and use it regularly.

When you get a therapist later, you must tell that you overdosed on SNRI. May be you shall have other meds that will suit you better and which is not so easy to overdose. Hold nothing back when you have got out of the "waiting-row". The more you tell, the better is the chance that you will get the best help/therapy for your problems. In the meantime try to cope the best you can (relaxation tape and small dozes of Benzos. If suicidal thoughts google "suicide.... read this first" and then call emergency).

Best wishes!

Rosegirl

Thank you all for your help!



Meditating is an awesome idea! :) I´ve done this before, sometimes regularly. It doesnt help to calm me down completely but it can help to make it a bit better. I just wished I could do this during my exam, but I´d lose too much time with that.
But I think I´ll get up earlier on monday to have an hour for myself before I go there. Nothing to lose :)


Thank you :) I´m very happy that my boyfriend supports me so much. After I overdosed on SNRI I was still not able to throw the rest away...honestly, I was already planning to do it again. However, I can talk with my boyfriend about everything and he threw them away for me. He really helps me wherever he can. I know it isnt self-evident.



Thats my problem for tonight :( My boyfriend visited a friend and wont be back until tomorrow. I know I should be able to stay alone for a night, but I already know I´m gonna drink and cut. Just because I can... At least I made sure I have no dangerous pills or anything else here at home. It sounds so ridiculous to write that, because I already know what I´m gonna do but instead of trying to avoid this completely, I just make sure I cant do anything stupid.
First I wanted to go out, so I´m not alone at home tonight. But none of my friends had time and I just noticed I´m out of money, so I cant even drive somewhere. Then I thought it doesnt matter. I´m gonna give in tonight, and tomorrow I will start new, hopefully with a stronger phase again.



Thank you too, Rosegirl :) I know I should tell my doctor about it, but I have this since I can remember and I´m telling myself I can deal with it a few more weeks/month until I finally can go to a therapist. I DO have moments in which I clearly see I cannot deal with it so easily, but when the moments are over I always pretend that it´s not so bad and I shouldnt be so weak. I know there´s nothing wrong with taking medication, but something inside me is holding me back to get help (with medication). Even though I know its ok my mind is telling me that I´m a loser,that I sunk down so deep and that I´ll never ever get out if I start with this now.
Well the fear that it could get worse with medication and that I´m gonna end up taking medication for years is indeed there...always. I was able to survive the last 21 years and sometimes I believe I could survive it forever without any help.

I dont think I will need to call an emergency. I´m not really suicidal. But there´s a hospital only 10 minutes walking away from my home and somehow I´m really glad about that :/

This post has been edited by illusion: Jun 20 2009, 08:07 AM

Hi Illusion!

It's good that you are able to fight suicidal thoughts, but it's not so good that you can't allow yourself to understand that to be suicidal is serious. In my opinion one who dare to see what is part of oneself even if it's ugly (suicide is) is a hero! One that runs away from that seeing is in danger because that person may fool her(him)-self. Please google the Web-side I referred to. It helped me once and I think that it is so well written that it will reach into other persons then me.

If being on medication is to be a looser, as you tell, then the most of us on this forum are losers. Why do you tell us that in an indirect way, and why do you think that you are so much better than us?

I'm putting this a bit on an edge, not make you ashamed, but to hopefully make you think. If a lot of persons were diagnosed with diabetes and everyone was advised to take insulin regularly, you who didn’t' want to take anything for it would be the only one who died, while all the others (whom followed the doctors advice) would survive.

I don't mean to be rude to you, only make you think. It is a big shock for a person to know that they have to set insulin shots for the rest of their lives, and so it can be with a psychiatric disorder (to know that they perhaps must use meds for a while or for the rest of the life).

Yes, meds can make you worse, but if you are a responsible client, you will inform your doctor about the effects, and the doctor will be able to find out how to go the next step ..... to find the right medication is a trial. Sometimes people get the right medication right away. For others it will be many try and trial steps.

I have understood that you prefer to not tell your doc, now, but please use the next weeks/months to think about what it is to be responsible. If you go into a client-therapist relationship what is your responsibility? Is hiding a mature response?

What if you needed a plumber at home. Do you think you would have anything fixed if you hid the problem for the plumber?

I do understand your anxiety. I think it's quite normal, but still I think that it is a good start to think about what it is to take responsibility for ones health and for the cooperation part in the relationship with a therapist.

I hope I have been at some small, tiny help!

My best wishes for you!

Rosegirl

Oh no, dont misunderstand me! I dont think people who are on medication are losers!!! I think the opposite! I wished I was strong enough to finally do something against it and "allow" myself to take medication! But I´m so afraid of it.
I´m not really thinking those thoughts, its more like someone says this to me (no hallucination though). This is not my opinion about medication, but when it comes to this, I suddenly feel as if someone is laughing at me, as if I failed... I cant describe it.

I´m gonna check that webside out. You are right with what you´re saying. I dont have any suicidal thoughts but honestly..I do have the urge to cut my wrist. I have absolutely no idea why, but the thoughts are there.

I know I should talk to my doctor. And I know it is wrong to suppress or hide it. But I cant get myself up! When I was trying to call a therapist to get on a waiting list I tried it for more than 3 month, but everytime I took the phone I had a breakdown and just cried. finally my boyfriend called there for me.
I know that I dont have the strength to deal with whatever happened/happens with me. I dont want to be so self-pitying either!!!

I feel like I cant take responsibilty over my life. I knew the time would come when suppression wont work anymore. the last 2 weeks were horrible and its still not ending. Now I´m even thinking about buying some medication online, citalopram or diazepam... I wont (at least right now) because it´s dumb, but I´m seriously desperate. I´ve never felt so desperate before in my life.

Hi Illusion...

Please don't try to buy especially benzos online...I tried that trick and you will be either ripped off in price or like me get a letter from customs about receiving a controlled substance in the mail (that woke me up quick lol)...

So much easier just to go the the doctor...When you logically know that going to the Dr. is the healthy and right decision for you please don't cheat yourself be letting fear make your correct choices for you...

You can do it. You deserve the benefits this choice could do for you....Best of wishes...Peace, Shan

This post has been edited by Shannon2009: Jun 21 2009, 06:08 PM

lIllusion

I understand that you struggle a lot. Please try to understand that while you are out of that waiting list, your therapist will try to go in a tact that is good for you. If things are difficult to talk about, you might ask to get permission to write them down. If he says NO, he sure has his reasons. Just trust him and know that there are moments in every clients life while they want to leave a really needed therapy. So please, when the time comes to you (if it comes), try to motivate yourself to stay in therapy.

Best wishes ......

Rosegirl

Thank you both for your words.
I wont buy any medication online. I´m a bit better since yesterday and think halfway clear again.
I dont want to make things worse with going the wrong path.
But I´m also afraid to go to the doc, because it was so horrible the last time. I´m gonna try to keep on going by myself until I finally can go to the therapist. I just hope I wont have such a breakdown anymore before that.

I messed up my exam by the way... not sure what will happen now.

Thank you for listening to me.

There will always come new opportunities!

Rosegirl

I know what you mean. I do not want to go on medication either. I keep telling my boyfriend that I will be fine, just to stick by me for a few more weeks and the bad spell will be over and then I can handle everything. I already have to take 8 different meds a day for my allergies and the idea to take further meds is one I don't want to think about. As much as I hate my bad spells they are still a part of me and I feel if they are gone I won't know who I am. Which is ridiculous if another person was to tell me this I would make them get help straight away. Feeling so low and empty isn't how we need to feel, we just need to be brave enough to face a new and probably improved versions of ourselves.

This is so true. I´ve been like that all my life, already had panic attacks as a child...
I often dont know who I truly am, but I fear that if someone took the bad things away as well, there wont be anything left.
I feel as if this is all I have and everything I am. And even though I want to get rid of it, I fear working on it will make it even worse. I´m so scared about therapy, but I´m gonna force myself to go.

i wanted CBT for a long time and will be starting it on the 10th, having to pay but hope it will help me. when i have diazepam i always self med on it, to stop the thoughts, as its a living hell, use drink as well, or both. sometimes things just get away from me. get caught in the panic and need something.

happy thoughts to everyone!

I feel and do the same. I self-medicate a lot to stop the thoughts (I´m not proud of it) and I often wished I could do something. anything is better than this.

I wish you all the best with CBT. Maybe you can post if and how it helped :) I´m still on the waiting list (about 2 more months) before I can start therapy.

This post has been edited by iowa: Jul 1 2009, 09:08 PM

Illusion, you are quite normal. A lot of people want a change and at the same time are afraid of it. This balancing dance between staying in the secure even if it hurts and the wish for a better life, is not unusual, but it can be your stumbling stone.

If you have had Anxiety since you were a child, some or something caused that anxiety. The anxiety is something that is "put on you" to help you to hide the real you. The anxiety is preventing you from knowing what you could have been and what you still can be!!!!

To go in therapy is hard work. There is no magical cure to help you. Your therapist is not a magician, but a person that will stay at your side while you do the job, the hard work. If you have learned to think that the anxiety is you and not the thing that is stopping you from being you, you will not be able to bear the burden of being in therapy. For every step in therapy that seems difficult you will choose to return to the anxiety. If so, you have to experience it in the hard way. The result will probably be that you withdraw from therapy and seek to hide in your anxiety until the anxiety totally take over your life and in some distant time you will beg for therapy again.

Why learn that in the hard way!?

If I were you, I would have used the two months on the waiting-list to read about motivation. You will find a lot of articles about it at Internet. Please prepare yourself to be equipped with good motivation for being able to get the best results out of working together with a professional. You are worth it! You deserve it after being prisoned in that stupid anxiety for almost your whole life. You are a flower that needs to be put in the light that is appropriate for you and only you. You are the flower that need to be nurtured the way only you need it and you need the right doze of water only for you. With that done you will blossom as you never did before and you will be the most wonderful flower in the world!!!

Rosegirl

This post has been edited by Rosegirl: Jul 3 2009, 01:32 AM

I´m gonna go to a therapist on friday, so my time on the waiting list is finally over.
I´m already so scared, I dont even know what to say to her :(

Just be honest - she'll have heard it all before so don't worry. This is a great thing I reckon xx

(((illusion)))

Like PRT said, just tell her everything you feel and be honest. She's heard it all before and she knows how to help. Trust me, a good therapist can do amazing things for you, so you're making the right choice here. Just remember that.

Also, the first meeting will be pretty simple. Likely just an evaluation with a lot of questions and answers. She'll go over your history, find out any causes to your illness, and ask you about your current state. It's really nothing to be scared of. You might even get some homework, like mood sheets. I know I did and it helped.

Thank you.
I just dont want to cry there. At least not on that first day.

There's nothing wrong with crying xxx

I feel so bad right now.
It´s 2:30 and after one hour in bed with no eyes closed, I decided to get up again. My head is ******* me.
I thought I have a good day, with so many creative ideas for my choreographie. But whenever I get up and start I feel extremely exhausted after only 5 minutes...physically and mentally.
I cant get myself up anymore, but I feel like losing time.
And my thoughts are racing like a carousel.
God, it´s even painful right now! :(

Illusion... please see a doctor. This isn't going to magically resolve on it's own. I am concerned for your well being.

After a while I was able to sleep...luckily.

tomorrow I go to see my therapist the second time, havent told her about this head racing problem yet.
I went to a normal doc before, but she just gave me an AD, and I dont want to take those (yet).

I´m a bit stronger today...somehow life goes on, right?

I really hope the therapist goes well. Try to tell her as much as you can about how you've been feeling, she might be able to help you out with it. xx

I have another question and didnt want to open an extra thread for it, since it also has something to do with the head racing.
On friday I want to talk to my therapist about it and also about medication. I know she´s no psychiatrist, but I still want to talk to her about any possibilities to make it go away.

I dont want to go there completely uninformed (I always want to know a bit about things I want to talk about), so I wanted to know if there is any medication especially for this head racing. Do benzos help here? Or does it depend on WHY I have those head racing? I dont know it yet if it comes from depression or anxiety or whatever...
What do you take against it? Is any benzodiazepine helpful for racing thoughts or only a few? if yes, which ones?

thanks already for answering. I know people need different medication, but I´m interested in what others take against it, just to have a little insight.

There are so many ways to see things (((illusion))). When I have what I think is racing thoughts (but may be intruding thoughts instead = anxiety), I name it as "loosing an inner wall". My task in such a situation will be to reconstruct that "inner wall". I can do that in different ways. We are all different you know. One of these ways are trying relaxation tapes. Another one is to get out and run to I'm so exhausted that the only thing that I want afterward is to go to bed and sleep.

There is no pill we can recommend you, because you must allow your therapist to do his/her work first. On the background of what you are telling he/she will find out if you are going to have meds or not. Just tell honest how you feel ....

Good luck!

Rosegirl

just a little update:
went to a psychiatrist today, but she said my case is "too hard" for her :/
she gave me Lorazepam and send me to another doc. dont have an appoinment yet. I´m a bit disappointed, but ok...
She saw scars on my arms and asked if I did that by myself. when I said yes she said I have a borderline disorder. doctors really stop thinking, im already sick of it today.

This post has been edited by illusion: Aug 27 2009, 02:19 PM

((((((((((Illusion))))))))))

I hope the new doc is much better than this one and that you get an appointment soon.
That must have been a huge let down.

Trace

I have an appoinment at the end of september.

Right now I´m feeling so bad. It got worse during the last few days. I wouldnt say I´m extremely manic (still can control my actions), but its enough to keep me from sleep. once again I cant calm down, my head is ******* me, I want to do so many things at once that I forgot what I wanted to do only a minute later. Earlier today I even had auditory hallucinations and if I didnt know its normal to have that while you´re trying to sleep it would have made me completely crazy! I made me anxious a lot, because I heard many voises who said they´re just waiting for me to fall asleep. No way I could have slept!

anyway, I do have a benzo here now but Im too scared to take it. I know I should or I do others things again. I fear its gonna help too good and I dont want to live without them anymore.
But at the same time I cant be like this.
I just need some support when I take it :( I feel so alone.

This post has been edited by illusion: Sep 8 2009, 10:23 AM

Hi there,
I'm totally new to this website/forum, but I'm glad (if that's the appropriate word) to see I'm not alone in this "battle."
My heart really goes out to you, Illusion. I also feel so alone at time and sometimes quite lonely too. Especially if people don't understand what we're going through. If you ever want to talk/e-mail, just let me know. I'm a fairly good listener/reader.
I also have a bit of a situation, so if you all don't mind, I'd like to get it off my chest:
I've been diagnosed with BP about 2 years ago. At age 40 I decided to go study again via Open University and got my degree last year. Long sory short: I've never worked (in the country I live in now) enough months/years to be able to claim unemployment. Luckily there's a fantastic social services here and I get a monthly "living wage." BUT, via social services I can get a contract to go work for whichever company/organisation and social services pays me a (full) monthly salary for X amount of months, until I qualify for unemployment benefits. All peachy and rosy, isn't it? Well, now this one guy from social services (whom I've told that I'm bipolar, diagnosed by my GP), says that maybe I should get diagnosed by a therapist! As if my doctor's diagnosis isn't good enough! I mean to say, I've been on meds for about 2 years and my doctor informed my 100% about BP. He also insisted that I see some kind of therapist and after 1 visit to a psychologist (from social services who basically knew nothing about BP), I now have fairly regular sessions in pastoral counselling, which really helps a lot.
My question is: should I tell this guy to mind his own business, or should I insist that I'm "happy" with my doctor's diagnosis, or what? I'm seeing the social worker again this coming Thursday, September 10.
Any comments will be welcome.
Thanks and all the best.
Don't forget to take me up on my offer, Illusion!
Cheers for now.
Marc