Hi,

Recently some relatives of an in-law were involved in a serious car accident (one dead, one in a coma, one on dialysis and had a leg amputated). It was horrible, I like(d) them all very much, so I can understand why I'm sad about that.

What I'm trying to come to grips with is why I'm so upset that family members are very angry at the driver of the car. My in-law going so far as to refuse to see her/im during a brief moment of consciousness. I know that this is a normal reaction, but I feel very sorry for him/er. When/if s/he wakes up s/he will discover that a sibling is dead and a spouse very likely gone too.

I think I identify with the driver so strongly because 18 years ago I was a passenger in a car accident that killed the driver (my college sweetheart). At the time her family, in their grief, blamed me. For my part, I spent a month crying in my parent's basement, then went out, got a job, and began living my life again. I never spoke to a therapist at the time, but I always felt that I had allowed myself to grieve and spoke to friends and family about it when I needed to. A lot of time has passed, and while I will never NOT be sad or regretful, I thought the accident had become part of my past. Until now.

I just had an almost fight with my mother about the "deserved" guilt and anger she was feeling toward the driver. She even angrily accused me of defending her/him (which I guess I was in a way). But playing devil's advocate/defending the driver has brought up a whole mess of emotions that seem a little over-the-top to me. I'm crying for no reason, and reliving the other accident now too. I feel like I'm identifying too closely with the driver of the car, and seem to be over-emotional about everything.....

I'm just trying to figure out what's going on... am I making a completely unrelated tragedy all about me?

HI Survivor

God what a terrible thing to happen, that is really upsetting.
Was it the driver's fault? Maybe something happened that you're not aware of? If these people are struggling to come to terms with the accident, this may just be an initial knee-jerk reaction. They may need time to work through their feelings.

It's normal that this event would bring back memories of what happened in your past. I'm sorry you had to go through that and that you were blamed - I guess again a lot of people feel the need to 'blame' someone when something awful happens.

I hope you can get through this time ok.

PRT xx

I think you are doing the right thing!

This poor driver will probably have so much guilt when he/she wakes up. If your entire family will blame and hate him/her for it, how is that person going to manage the time ahead of him? Grief and guilt.. :(

Accidents happen, we cannot hate people because of them.
Guilt is probably one of the worst emotion we can feel, and he/she will have enough of it anyways.

So, you defending him is really the right thing to do...
In my opinion.

Please support this person. It might even save his/ her life. Even if it is difficult, it`s a brave thing to do. Your family will probably come along eventually. Some where inside they know you are right!

Welcome to DF, ((((((((((SurvivorGuilt,))))))))))))))

Was your girlfriend driving the car when the accident happened? How could you be at fault when you were a passenger? Do her parents think it would have been better if you were driving? As a passenger, anyone could have been killed or suffer serious injury. No one should put the blame on you for the accident if it was not caused by you.

You possibly may have post traumatic stress syndrome from the accident that resulted in the death of your gf. The recent accident with your in-laws may have triggered you. Who was the at-fault driver with your accident? Do you know who was at-fault with your in-laws' accident?

As a suggestion, you may consider therapy. I have PTSD and with the help of my therapist, I was able to come to terms with the trauma.
Sheepwoman

just wanna drop by and say I'm sorry 4 your loss.