** I am so sorry this is so long!**

OK. So I don't know what I'm doing here really.. I have never used a forum before. It took me half an hour to work out how to write this! lol.. I don't even know if I am 'worthy' of being here, because I know there are people out there with much bigger problems than me and I really dont want to waste anyone's time.

I guess I just want to get some stuff out in the hope that I will find some relief from this rollercoaster I feel that I am on. SO here goes...

Four months ago I ended a 5 year relationship with my fiance. This relationship was emotionally and verbally abusive. It took me along time to work up the courage to leave.

I think my problems started during this relationship. My ex was a drug addict who had an abusive childhood and although he was never physically abusive he was very verbal and I think my self esteem has taken a bit of a battering... I didn't know that I was in an abusive relationship because he would always tell me that he had seen abuse growing up and that I didn't know what I was talking about and that I was lucky because I could do a lot worse i.e be in a physically abusive relationship.

About two years in, I think, is when I started to get depressed. I started to question my own ideas, beliefs, myself in general. Feeling hopeless. I would come up with big dreams and things to make us better and move forward and he would tell me I was living in la la land and would never be able to get my Sh*t together to achieve anything.

I ended the relationship two years in and he went a bit crazy (attempted suicide). He sought help and swore he would quit drugs/change. He went to counselling and outpatient rehab program. I went to counselling to clear my head.

6 months on he had given up drugs and appeared to be a different person so we gave it another crack.

I feel very stupid for going back 'for more' as many have put it.

I suffered a lot, to the point where he had told me enough times that he thought I had a chemical imbalance and I was crazy that I started to believe him. I went and had all these tests done because it was true, I thought. I couldn't make decisions anymore, I was always confused, always crying for no reason, couldn't achieve anything. Needless to say, my hormone and 'chemical' tests came back perfectly normal.

There is so much more crap but I don't want to depress anyone even more!

I left him at the beginning of this year and felt such relief but it has not all been relief. I haven't told anyone, although I'm sure my family are aware, that I get depressed for long periods of time. But then I have days where I am super happy and I think I am just making a big fuss out of nothing.

I wrote this list tonight which is just random thoughts passing in my head of how I feel:

I don’t like me
Who I am right now
Who I have been for the last 5 years
I don’t know who I am
What I am meant to do with my life
I don’t know what to do to make me happy
Nothing I think about makes me happy
I don’t want to do anything
Everything I think about doing is too hard or requires money
And I don’t even know if it would make me happy
I feel like a poor excuse for a human being
I feel weak as a person
I feel unintelligent
I feel dumb
I feel sad
I feel angry sometimes
I feel unattractive
Sometimes I feel very happy like everything is fine and I don’t know what all the fuss is about
Sometimes I feel overcome with excitement and joy
I feel like my head is about to melt sometimes when I am so happy
I feel on top of it and with it when I am happy
When I am sad my chest and heart hurt
I feel nauseous
I can’t sleep properly
I either can’t get to sleep and sleep in too long
Or am too tired
I have bad dreams
Frustrating and sad dreams
Even in my dreams I feel useless and helpless and hard done by
When am I going to get my s*** together
Why am I like this?
Why can’t I be normal
What should I do

Ok, so there it all is... Help!

Ok, reading back on my post I may sound a little uncaring and unsupportive of my ex and his problems?

I did support him immensely with his emotional issues, drug dependency, etc.. we went to counselling many times together, I always tried to be very positive and understanding to his situation.. and tried so many things to make us work.

Hiya Candy_Chaos and welcome to the forums

Firstly Id like to say that of course you are worthy of being here, the very purpose of these forums is for the members to give their support, advice and share their experiences with each other. I cant imagine what going through all of that feels like but you are very brave for gathering your courage to leave and also to get those tests done when you believed that something was wrong. I share the majority of the feelings that you have wrote down on your list but it is the depression which is making us feel this way and you are definately not a weak person or a poor excuse for a human being. Are you currently recieving any help for your depression?

Spencer xox

I didnt think you sounded at all uncaring hun, in fact quite the opposite. The fact that you gave things another try and went to counselling shows that you were supportive and you wanted to make things work. xo

Thanks for your kind words Spencer :)

I'm not receiving any help at the moment because I haven't been sure if I need it? I know it sounds so stupid but I have this fear of going back to the counsellor and having them say I am overreacting or something lol. Not that they would probably ever say that..

I will book in to see them soon I think.

Your not overreacting hun, I felt the same way and was terrified to go speak to my doctor about how I was feeling. It was only when I thought, I feel horrible a lot of the time so whats the harm in seeing if there is a reason for it that I actually went for help and I was a little surprised when the doctor said I had depression, although it seems like its extremely obvious now I think its a good idea for you to explain how your feeling to your counsellor, maybe it would help if you printed off your post and brought it with you for them to read as well. Oh and on the issue of being new to forums, if you look at the menu bar thingie underneath the Depression Forums banner, you will see a link called Help. In there are a lot of explainations on how forums work and what different things mean which you would probably find helpful

Spencer xox