I have so much to say I don't know where exactally to start so I guess I will start from the end........

Yesterday I had such a bad day I found myself staring at a decent amount of a certain pill in my hand with the intention to **** myself and end my misery and pain. A week ago I decided to ween myself off of Paxil after being on it for two years and my life sprilling out of control. This brings me to the beginning. I had a hysterectomy a little over 2 years ago. I started having very bad panic attacks and my doctor put me on Paxil to control them. The first few months were good. I didn't have panic attacks anymore. After taking the medication for about 6 months I went to the doctor wanting to be taken off the medication because I just didn't feel "normal" anymore. I didn't care about anything. When I say I didn't care about anything I mean I didn't care about my 3 children, husband, NOTHING! My doctor decided that maybe it would be a good idea to lower my medication but my anxiety had been so extreme after having surgery that she did not want to take me off it if completely. Having been reminded of the recent past I decided that it was a good idea to forget the idea of lowering my dose because I most certainly did not want to revisit that hell again. I continued to stay on 20mg of paxil.

At the beginning of this year after being on Paxil for a little over a year my husband kicked me out because I didn't want to be with him anymore and he most certainly did not want to deal with a wife that didn't want to be with him anymore. We had been married for 6 years. I moved back to my home town, eventually got my own place, had a job, had my son with me and was starting to attempt to piece my life together. I lowered my Paxil to 10mg after being home for about 3 months from what I remember.

From what I remember, is something that I am pretty sure that I am going to be saying for quite a while. Long story short, in the past year I have turned into someone that I never thought I would be, someone that I myself did not even know. The light verson would be excessive drinking, out of control behavior, out of control anger, indecision (when I say indecision, I mean I couldn't make one), physical violence, verbal assaults, a coldness and calousness that was worst than any vilan I have ever heard of (when I say this I feel like I mad mob bosses seem compassionate), there is more but I am at a point where I am too ashamed to write anymore about how I was. From what I can remember, I am glad that there are things that I don't quite yet.

I have always been the type of person that had plenty of friends and aquaintances. I never thought that I would find myself at a point in my life where I have none of them. I never thought I would find myself at a point in my life where my own children wouldn't even speak to me. I didn't think that I did anything wrong and everyone else was the problem. There was nothing wrong with me. That is what I thought until I found myself in a place with no friends and my family was just about done with me. Let me just say that I hit "Rock Bottom", I can now say that I know what that feels like. I was left with no one to speak to and felt like no one understood me. I finally realized that maybe it is me. I started to realize that I didn't even know WHO I was anymore. I felt like I was standing on a ledge and the wind was blowing 100mph at me and I was trying everything I could do to hang on and blow over it. I felt like I was a in the deepest black hole trying to dig myself out but there was no light no matter how much I dug.

Finally, after a lot of reasearch, a moment of sanity, and looking at everything I had done through everyone elses eyes that I loved, I made the decision to stop taking Paxil. I have made the decision to also start counseling. I have to say that TO DATE, these are two of the ONLY SMART decisions that I have made in the past two years.

I have been weening myself off and the amazing, yet almost paralyzing thing is I have feelings again. I have found myself not in despair, not miserable, not depressed, but really just beginning to see what everyone else saw in my over the past two years. I have realized that my actions have hurt A LOT of people that I love and care about deeply. I am not hurt because my children won't speak to me, my friends won't have anything to do with me, my family almost disowned me. I am hurt because of what I did to the people I care about the most in my life. I am ashamed of my actions towards those people and people that I didn't even know. I feel a deep pain that hopefully in time will subside. I feel an ache that at times feel like my heart will fail on it's own. I am beginning again to feel mental clarity and sanity return to me again. I FEEL!!

Yesterday I didn't want to end my life out of depression. I wanted to end my life out of shame, hurt because of what I have done to the people that I love and not knowing if there is anything ever that I could do to repair the damage that I have caused. The weight of what I can remember was so unbearable that I didn't know what to do. I did however know enough to reach out and talk, finally talk about how I felt. I talked to my best friend (one that was unscathed by my actions) and my husband. I finally could really tell them HOW I felt. When I did that the most amazing thing happened to me. I realized THAT I COULD FEEL! I could put words to my emotions, I DIDN'T feel uncontrolable anger anymore, I could actually put words (big words as I have always had an excellent vocabulary..lol) together to express my emotions. Another thing then happened, I could hear myself speak, and I knew that I was returning to my old self again. I actually heard the words coming out of my mouth and thinking to myself, THIS IS ME! THIS IS ME!

Right now I am finding it hard to describe how I felt being on Paxil for so long. This though is how I explained it to my mother. I now feel like I was watching myself from deep inside living a life that I didn't want to live. I was watching myself do things that I wouldn't do and screaming no, but something else was in control of me. I feel almost like I had a split personality. There were times when just enough of me would come through that I would feel regret for what I did, but it wasn't my fault, it was someone elses. I felt like I was inside myself, watching myself spiral out of control and yet there was nothing that I could do about it.

Right now, this is all I can say about Paxil. For me, it was NOT the best thing in the whole world. For a lot of people that I have read about and a lot of people I have talked to, it is NOT the best thing in the whole world. I know that I am not alone!

Right now beginning to feel sanity to return I would say that if anyone has experienced anything like I have, GO TO COUNSELING, that is what I am going to do and that is the only thing that I can do to even begin to come to terms with the person that I had been over the past two years. If I can say anything to someone that is going through what I went through and am going through right now is YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is hope because I am starting to feel it return to me for the first time in two years. There are A LOT of I am sorry's that I am going to have to say, a lot of fences that need mending, a lot of bridges that need to be rebuilt, and it is going to take TIME!

IF there is anyone experiencing what I am going through and have went through, there is hope, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Thank you Becca for sharing your story. I was wondering how long and how much Paxil you were taking before you started to wean off. Also, how long did you take to withdraw from Paxil. I have taken it many years and tried to go off one time I thought slowly but I went into a big nosedive. I am now back on and at a higher dose. I dont want to visit that awful place again so am afraid of going off Paxil ever again. But still, I would like to know how you did it and what you went thru while weaning off Paxil. Also, by the way, did you lose weight? Thanks,

Gentle Sun PS So very happy for you now that you are you and feeling great!!!!!

Thanks gentle sun :) and you are very welcome. I would like to say that I am totally weened off of Paxil but I'm not, yet. I started at 20mg a year and a half ago. At the beginning of the year I dropped myself to 10mg. It has only been a week since I dropped myself down to 5mg. It has only been a week, but I feel remarkably different, "normal" if you will. The first day I dropped myself to 5 I felt really tired, couldn't concentrate, just really kind of blah, but not depressed. I also felt really dizzy and kind of sick to my stomach. I started to notice that I felt pretty good and normal after about the third day though. I could think clearly again. I could put sentences together and really think again. When I say think, I mean in an intelligent way, for that has not been the norm for me. I have read many not so good things about Paxil so I am going the slow and steady route. After going through what I went through for the past year, slow and steady is good for me.

There are things that I experienced physically on Paxil if these help at all. I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight, but as I said I had a hysterectomy a little over two years ago at the age of 29. Some of that weight gain can be atributed to the fact that I am on hormones (YAY! (sarcasim...lol) A hysterectomy in itself and weight gain is a total other forum...lol Trust me! I was a member there for a while...lol I am hoping (keeping fingers crossed) that going off Paxil will at least help me lose SOME weight. I am 5ft 8 and a half inches and weight about 180lbs. I am not overweight, but it just doesn't feel "good" to weight as much as I do. The other thing that I experienced was chronic diarrhea. I can say that after a week of being on 5mg that it has subsided. I was also having a problem with my stomach hurting all of the time after I ate, or just really in general. That too seems like it has subsided. I felt mentally foggy, couldn't really concentrate, couldn't think, and now there seems to be a mental clarity where there really was none before, but it isn't back to 100%, but have hope that it will be sometime. That also could have something to do with the hysterectomy, but since I went on Paxil shortly after and was put on hormones, I guess it is a wait and see kind of thing for me. I was also CONSTANTLY tired. It wasn't just a regular, oh I am tired, it was more like I really didn't have any energy nor any intention or will to do anything. Basically if the house was on fire and it didn't come near me I wasn't moving. Oh, and there is one more thing that I started to realize because I have actually been on the computer and writing a lot in the past couple of days (I am a writer and this is something that I haven't done in a LONG time), is that my vision is really "blurry".


I can tell you that even though it has been a week, this is the BEST rollercoaster that I have been on compared to the past two years. When I say that I mean that I can actually feel things I haven't felt in years. I almost feel "normal" again. I say almost because the crying spells, dealing with what I have done, and the general awakening that I feel is not so good at times, but it is good. I went on Paxil because of extreme panic attacks after surgery. I can honestly tell you that I would rather experience the panic attacks than I would what I have put the people that I love through.

I am going to start counseling because it is hard to deal with the pain that I have caused and what being on Paxil for 2 years has cost me. I don't know your personal story, but maybe you could enlist a friend or family member to help you when you are going off of your Paxil. I find that things are best dealt with and gone through with someone else, not alone. Staying on or quitting Paxil is a huge decision. My husband and I are back together after spending the most hellish year apart and although right now he is NOT my biggest fan, I had to sit him down after realizing in my moment of mental clarity that I had become an a&&hole to everyone that I know (even him) and it needed to stop. I had to make him see, really see that who I had become was really ******* me. I had to tell him that I needed support right now, not for him to be a jerk. Through the grace of God, so far he is my best support I could ever ask for. Maybe there is someone in your life you could enlist to help you through the worst of it, or maybe going to a counselor just to talk about what you are going through will help?

I hope this helps.
Also I would like to tell you that I am here for you. I don't know you personally but I know what it is like and I am here :)


Becca