Hi everyone,
Sorry if I´m repeating lots of questions in other threads but I´d like to write my own and hear your words of advice and support cos I´m alone on this one. I´ve never been diagnosed with ocd but have had intrusive thoughts for as long as I remember. They are normally violent and are worse when I´m going through a bout of depression but when I´m well I completely forget about them.
My last bout started about 3 months ago and I´ve been back on meds since then (I was originally on 20mg citalopram but was prescribed 10mg escitalopram as I´d been having more anxiety.) I´m no longer depressed and do feel less anxious and am doing quite well but I worry a lot more about my obsessions. I know they are a by product of the depressed mind and they are not "me", and should not be given much attention or thought and I know I´d never actually carry out some of the horrific things I imagine but the distress they cause me is getting me down.
I can talk to my friends and family about my depression but not about this. I told my therapist but can no longer afford to go so I´m just battling it out alone at the moment.
I was hoping that once the depression subsided so would the obsessions (which has happened in the past) but as the anxiety seems to have been as much of a problem as the depression this time I wonder if the anxiety contributes to the obssesions.
When I have an intrusive thought and I´m with someone they would probably never realise as I just carry on as usual but I worry they will get worse. This obviously doesn´t help but I am a worry wort so am working through a DIY CBT manual which seems pretty good. I guess I´m desperate to be 100% again but have had a rough trip of late and suppose I should give myself a bit more time to recover.
I´m getting married in March and am really happy about that but worry about the day going well and me being on form and not anxious - putting on a front for everyone. (I recently had a small party and was a nervous wreck!)
I do feel like one of the more fortunate ones as I respond well to ADs and have a supportive family and fiancé but would really appreciate your help with this.
Thanks
Chica

at least you get relief once the medication begins to work. I would suggest that you take medication for a long while, i.e. years rather than months. That way you will get relief from the depression and anxiety and the intrusive thoughts should disappear. When my mind was racing I kept a journal - when I read it back 18 months later I couldn't believe the anger and need to 'get it out' of my brain that I had written I so needed to express those thoughts but they really were not suitable for anyone to read! Burning the journal was also therapeutic: out of my brain and away!

Hi Chica. I too understand that these type of thoughts are the one area that it is hard to discuss with others. Like yourself I find this the hardest part to endure and I have also begun an online course in CBT. I think the more you can talk about it the better. When it first happened to me I felt so worried and ashamed that I couldn't mention it to anyone - even professionals, for fear they would misinterpret or feel I was any threat if they were in my company. As you mentioned , the fear of it getting worse is often the main worry but I think by being brave enough to discuss it, as you have, can only help. I plucked up the courage to phone a helpline and the woman assured me that I wasn't alone in having these strange thoughts and she told me that using the CBT would indeed , with time, help - so I wish strength and luck for both of us in pursuing it. The online course I found is free and I found it easier as my concentration won't allow for a lot of reading. I'm new to the forum but if I'm allowed to give the link I would be more than happy to. As I said, it is free and funded here in England by the health service:
www.livinglifetothefull.com
Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage. I hope it brings you much happiness.

Thanks TKPool,

It´s comforting to know that others are going through the same and that I´m not losing my mind as I often imagined. I´m not sure why I have these thoughts although I do think I have a lot of pent up anger and I thik htis is my mind´s way of releasing it.
Thanks for the info, I am already familiar with it. I found it helped to some extent but not so much for the obsessions. I hope you find it useful and it´s great that this is available for free in the UK. We´re light years behind in Spain; even private CBT is hard to come by. (Unless anyone can prove me wrong) Until I learn to deal with and calm the anger I think the obsessions will still be there but at least we understand them more and know we´re not dangerous people!

Take care
Chica



This post has been edited by gentle sun: Jan 10 2009, 04:13 AM

Chica,

You story sounds like mine to a tee. I have these terrible thoughts and they are so unlike me that I just want to cry. My Celexa pooped out on me about four months ago after going through a major surgery and the death of a loved one. My doctor insists I stay on Lexapro, but it's the same thing in my opinion so why should it work? We are going to have a big talk at my next appointment. I too believe it is a by product of depression.

Have you tried relaxation, yoga or meditation techniques. I have had mixed success. However my mother claims that yoga saved her life so I may give it a chance.

You are going to be fine Chica. Just give it some time.

Paul

Hi I am new to this Forum, but i have gotten these horrible irrational thoughts for the past month I use to get them when I was younger but they went away. Then they came back! I know this is going to sound weird but i started to take Calcium and Vitamin D pills and one of the thoughts went away the thoughts that went away were the aggressive thoughts. I now get these other crazy thoughts that are making me so anxious. I think will they ever go away, will they just end up driving me crazy. It makes me want to cry. I just don't know what to do, i just want my mind to rest. The thoughts just pop into my mind out of know where. I do think i set up myself to think about them though. Because i will think to myself i bet the next time i am being intimate with my boyfriend i will get them. Or when i wake up tomorrow morning they will be there and sure enough they pop up. I just don't understand why its so easy for them to pop into my head, then why can't they just pop back out. Sometimes i am good and I am just like i am not letting you bother me. "BYE" and they kidda go away.I am taking 200mg of Lamictal and 50mg of seroqual and I don't know if these pills are increasing the thoughts. I feel like one group of thoughts went away and now another group has pushed themselves in, as if my anxiety is just taking another form in a different thought. I was just wondering if anyone thought that the medication could be causing this. Sometimes when the thoughts come i get so mad at myself, I just tell myself to stop being so stupid and tell myself how irrational i am being. But sometimes they are just so strong that they wont go away no matter how hard i try. I do find sometimes thought when i can't get in touch with my boyfriend or can't call him when i want to the thoughts are more intense espically at night! I am so happy i found this site, i am very relived that i am not the only person who has crazy thoughts. Any input to what i said or any advise that you have would be so appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Hi -

I'm here to say that I'm an intrusive thought 'survivor' and thought I'd chime in with my own personal experience.

I've had intrusive thoughts ranging from violence to embarrassing behavior or the need to say something stupid. The most difficult thing with them is that they are self-perpetuating. When you react strongly to them, it tends to make them come back, or not go away. They can be terrible ideas with the most heinous things, but you don't want to be thinking them. They aren't you, they are chemical mis-fires and just the brain's occasional awful tendencies toward self-destruction.

When you have these thoughts, do your best to accept them for what they are and let them float away. Don't try to examine them, don't try to figure out why they're happening, don't try to look for patterns, don't do anything but remain calm and passive. Most importantly, don't feel guilty for having them. Even smile, since that tends to relieve stress. The more tense you get, the more the thoughts will hold power over you and keep coming back.

I would strongly suggest yoga and then meditation as a holistic way to overcome these thoughts. When you learn how to breathe for relaxation and release your muscles, your brain often follows suit. Best of luck, feel free to ping me with any questions.

-abe