People always complain that I look upset or angry whenever I am around, even though I don't feel angry or upset. Often times I just feel nothing. And whenever people turn me down, including relationships I do get very depressed, but what worries me is that often times later, I would just create some scenario in my head that makes me feel better. Even though I am an adult now, I have imaginary friends. And it seems about as real as my "real life." I spend hours every day living it, and as I get more depressed, the more real my imaginary world becomes. People even have observed me to randomly laugh at nothing, whispering and talking to nobody. The reality is that I do want to raise kids, but I am not married or in a relationship, and where I live anti child molestation and exploitation laws prohibit single parents from adopting, and in about 5 years I will probably be too old to start a family. I even purchased children's clothing and children's toys and furniture and laid it out in an empty room in my house. I really wish I can just be a normal person, with a normal real life, and that a good life isn't just some ethereal manifestation in my head.

Hi Xentropa

We are not professionals, so we can not tell you if you are mentally ill, but it does sound like you are very isolated and extreme isolation can manifest psychotic behavior and take depression to very dark levels.
You have taken a step to break the isolation by posting here.
Taking it one day at a time and attempting to break your isolation will help.
Perhaps seeing a clinical psychologist may help and if needed medication.

Have you thought of doing some volunteer work to break your isolation.
Also with wanting kids, have you given a thought to artificial insemination?

You are not alone.

Trace

I am a man so unfortunately that isn"t an option.

I thought about committing myself to a mental hospital if it worsens but that would make me lose my job. which is one of the few places that I can stay relatively sane if I am busy enough.

((((((((((Xentropa))))))))))

I am sorry, I did not realize that you were a man. You are never too old to raise a child and I hope that one day you get your opportunity.

I realize that you are afraid to lose your job, but your health and well being are so much more important.
If you fall apart it will be harder for you to function at work.

Trace

I guess (despite how pathetic this may sound) if I had a special someone to share feelings with, I wouldn't have trouble sleeping nor would a lot of these problems persist. I do occasionally go to the bar, give out my contact info and anxiously wait for a response. I guess sometimes caught in the middle of your journey to happiness is the boringest hardest part.

Hi Xentropa,

I'm sorry that you are going through these dark times right now and wanting a family is ok and it's never ever too late to raise a family. I would say that going to a bar would not be the best place to look for someone to share yourself with. Maybe if your afraid of losing your job if you go into the hospital then you may benefit from some therapy sessions to help you along with this time in your struggles. Taking one step at a time in making an effort in feeling better about yourself would be a good idea. Are you on any meds that may help? We are not professionals here but we can offer some support and suggestions that may be of help for you.

There is something called Maladaptive Daydreaming. It's a condition that causes obsessive daydreaming. I have this problem. I daydream in an excessive, uncontrollable way. I’ve done this since I was 5 years old. I’ve actually spent whole days doing nothing but daydreaming.

Even in my day-to-day life, my mind constantly weaves daydreams; it just does this without my planning or controlling it. I'll be reading a book or watching TV, and placing myself in the book/show. I've been doing it all my life.

If you look up "Maladaptive Daydreaming" in a search engine, you should be able to come across more information about this. I know that there is a forum on Yahoo about this exact issue. There is also a clinical study currently running to study this problem. Hope this info helps.

I am not a professional, this is my personal opinion and is not medical advise. It is advisable to talk to your doctor.

This post has been edited by Trace: Nov 5 2009, 03:47 AM

I can empathise a lot with what you're going through.

I'm wondering - what was your childhood like?