Hi All!
I've been around awhile but thought I'd formally introduce myself. I live in the U.S. with my family. I've had depression, been SH-ing for about 14 years now. It comes and goes. I've been in the hospital a few times and actually committed on one occasion. Things stabilized through DBT and meds in the last year. Now I've gone back to school and messed it all up. Pdoc is changing meds to try to keep up, but I feel like things have gone backwards and backwards. I was diagnosed with Borderline PD somewhere along the way and some people I talk to chalk all my problems up to that so they (professionals) don't have to do anything about it, it's "my fault". That's aggravating. Lately I've found a new T. that doesn't seem freaked out about the SH stuff and is more available than my old one. Anyways right now my goal is to get through with school w/a minimum of damage and not end up in the hospital.
Best wishes to all!

welcome to the room Michelle

ps I hope that isn't your full name, cos its unwise to post your full name on the internet.

Thanks for the tip but it's, not my full name, don't worry. I've actually spent alot of time on the 'net and know the safety stuff and all.

Hello Everyone,

I have dysthymia, social anxiety, chronic fatigue for about 12 years now. I haven't had much success with meds. Some help take the edge off of the anxiety and depression but don't "fix" it. Recently I spent 3 weeks in a partial hospitalization program and during this time they decided to have me take some psychological testing turns out I also have (reccurent) major depressive disorder, and Avoidant Personality Disorder. Apparently my Avoidant Personality Disorder is probably why meds have not helped me much, they told me meds won't help that. So currently I am looking at getting into a DBT group.

Anyone else with Avoidant Personality Disorder?

Hi Aron
welcome to DF.

There are a few people with APD here.

Eileen

Hello everybody

My name is jennifer.
I am so glad to have found this room.

(TRIGGER)

Confusion and loss of control is enough to send anyone over the edge wothout being told you have personality disorder traits and need intense therapy. Surely if i was being sent to place that deals only and specifically with personality disorders then it would be obvious that i have one or two, but the mental health crisis team seem to think it would be better to tell me to think no further than my nose at the moment.
How is this supposed to help someone who fears the future as much as i do, a person like me who meticulously plans every little detail of her life with not just one plan of action but three incase of anything going wrong.

I am a person who spends her entire life trying to protect herself, from people, germs, feelings and anything else that could send me over the edge.

I hate my fiance because i love him, because he is the closest man i have ever had to me in my life. I wont allow him to touch me because in my mind i am convinced it will taint the relationship and i will think differently of him.

I hear voices in my head not outside my head, and have been convinced in the past that i am psychic but have recently been told by the doctors that this is not true.

How does a persons life become not what they thought it was over night.

Why do i feel that everybody is different to me and that people plot behind my back and talk about me.

Why all of a sudden have i been found by the mental health system when i have lived by these rules for my entire life and why am i being told now that everything i stood for and believed in is not normal and part of an illness.

Does anyone else look in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back at them.

What happens if i have therapy and realise that i am not the person i am now and that i am completely different.

Why do i want to die but my family and fiends want to keep me alive, surely this is my choice.

Yes i self harm, but i do it to release anger or feel the adrenalin i so miss due to my impulsivity being curbed by those around me. The adrenalin fix alone excites me.

Any way i am rambling now but basically this is me.

I am pleased to meet you all and feel relieved to be able to speak to people who know how it really is.

Jenny xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jenniferlea
you are still you no matter what the diagnoses or lable they put on it. It does sound like you need talking therapies treatment. I was diagnosed as having A personality disorder and for a few years my doc wouldn't say which one it was. Anyway I ended up in a Therapeutic Community for 2 1/2 years and it has helped me. So it is possible to get better.

Welcome to the forums.

Eileen

Putting an introduction here is more for my own personal benefit than for anyone here to become acquainted with me. Finally putting something in this folder is a step in making myself accept that I actually do have the dissociative disorder of depersonalization.

After my breakdown a little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with several mental "issues." When "dissociation" was added to the list I didn't know what it was and didn't like the sound of it. I spent about three minutes googling it, got upset with what I read, and decided then and there to remove it from my list of "issues." There was already enough stigma with everything else I was diagnosed with. I didn't need something on the list that would scare off my own kids. By removing dissociation from the list, I felt that I had made a declaration to my doctors and to the world: I did NOT have it, never did. Even when the psychologist narrowed the broad general diagnosis of dissociation to the more specific diagnosis of depersonalization, I continued to insist that they were wrong. With so many emotional disorders to concern themselves with ~ depression, repression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder, and sucidial ideologies ~ my doctors tended to lump them all together anyway so we never discussed my refusal to accept the dissociative diagnosis.

After a difficult year of losing all my trust in psychiatry, therapy, and medication, in January I began take to some positive steps in healing myself. I began to take each of my diagnoses separately and learn what the words meant and how they each applied to me. In the process of doing that, I had to face that I am a classic textbook example of someone with depersonalization. Saying that I didn't have it didn't change that I did.

If I am going to try to help myself, I need to stop denying all that is wrong in my head and in my spirit. It's taken me 13 months to reach this point. Hopefully I can now go forward and begin this next part of my journey: accepting, learning, and healing from a diagnosis that scares the hell out of me.

This post has been edited by cookiecrumbs: Apr 28 2007, 10:15 PM

cookiecrumbs

I hope it goes well with you in your journey.

Eileen

ummm..hi, i notice there hasn't been any posts...is this section active?
i'm new here

redwing

things come and go, its gets busy and then quiet for a wihle.


If you are in urgent need for help then you could use the Members Needing Extra Support Now.

WElcome to the PD room.

Eileen

Greetings to all,I am new to this forum.I have known about it but resisted seeking entry.I am now at a point in all this where I can at least see some of the problems I have.The past,it was just a whirlwind of confusion and I did'nt want to know as I knew what I was,not the label,but my own understanding.

My history,well I have always felt different all my life,school,college,employment and relationships,a feeling of not fitting in despite how hard I tried.The nick names I had said it all really,the worst being 'psycho',and I got that one when I was in the armed forces,a place where my problems really started.There I changed,I was plain scared all the time,and yes paranoid to the point I was considered dangerous to be live armed,my understanding of situations was vastly different from others.

Relationships,they were non existant,I simply could not relate.I did get married,that lasted ten years,but the relationship was violent and abusive,I got worse,especially when I was always compared to past relationships and ridiculed for being different.

The difference caused my wife to seek an answer and she arrived at the conclusion I had aspergers syndrome,which she used to explain my actions and undermine my confidence.It got to a point where I feared saying a word to anyone and would retreat into my own world whenever I could.

After an attempt on my life by a gang of drunken adults,the marriage broke after my wife later tried to kill me herself

Taking it no longer,I lost my job,relocated to sunny Devon,got a job and lost it a year later for the same old reasons,I was basically working under my abilities as usual and as always it ended the job,I was made redundant,the only person to be made so in trhe company for six years,(hmmm reading between the lines here).

Now I have no interest in working and am content to struggle with the benefits.

I am having CBT and psychological counselling,and am on meds.As to a diagnosis as to what it is I have struggled with all my life,so far nothing is offered except my psychologist has identified PTSD because of the attempt on my life by thugs,and PTSD from my relationship.Something else my psychologist has yet to discover,he thinks something happened when I was a child to set off the problems I have always had from age ten onwards.

So a potted history of this loony,I am hoping to understand more by being here.

p.s. Sorry to have bored you all.


silverclaws

silverclaws

I too felt different from others all my life. Alone even in groups of 'friends'. And I've had the problems with relationships. I also have a bit of a temper and have been 'violent' a few times. The worst time was when my marriage was coming to an end and I no longer could hold in the anger towards the man I thought was trying to put me in a prison. Thats the only time I've really, really tried to hurt someone. It didn't work the Barsteward dodged the objects I was using LOL.

Somtimes the systoms of PTSD can resemble some of the symptoms of some personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm not saying you have BPD but read up on it.

I had a boyfreind/fiancee who was a squaddie in the army and I've had some experience of what that life was like. Its not easy. I've a lot of anger towards that man because I think he used me as a means to prove his maleness.

I think that a lot of our problems stem from childhood sometimes we can remember them.

I had/have no best friend, never have. Bullied, hated, disliked, even by members of my own family. I learnt to put on an expressionless face so that things that people said to me would appear to have no effect on me, otherwise if I showed that things hurt then it would be used further to hurt me.

Sometimes my pdoc says its hard to know what I'm feeling/thinking because of this. I think he doesn't really know me. Nobody does.

You are welcome here silverclaws.

Eileen

Eileen Thankyou,

As a child I felt alone all the time and so spent most of my time alone,sometimesbecause friends thought me weird,or I chose to spend that time alone,usually in the shed making things and repairing things.I did feel unloved,a condition whereby my mother put me in the charge of my father,he looked after me whilst my sisters were the domain of my mother,I never made a bond with my mother and sisters,affection,what was that,something that bore ill in later life.When my father left at my age ten,I had no one and according to my mother I went strange after that and was very self destructive.

School I was bullied,constantly by all and sundry,but had a reputation for a quick and violent temper.I was bullied to provoke that temper as a fight was good sport.Also I was bullied by the girls at school,me having gone through puberty alone at age ten was totally confused and different,classmates went through the change much later,in their early teens.

Work,I was steered into engineering,when my first love and interest was art and craft,for the last twenty five years I have been struggling in an industry that totally bored me.The early forces experience I was exposed to something that is giving me cause for thought now,I used to work inside a RF radiation containment cell,something I used to complain about,due to the headaches I was getting.I was told to put up and shut up.A couple of years later the use of that containment cell was banned,off limits as being hazardous to health.I only wonder at this,could this thing be something to do with it all.

Relationships,I hated to be touched,and could not touch,affection was a difficult thing for me,I did not know what it was,also social interaction was useless,I tried to analyse myself,see what I was doing wrong,tried to do the right things only to be called child like in my actions and was asked why I could not be normal.

All those years,failed at all employment,failed at my one and only relationship,and as a result the familiar feeling,self loathing and its accompanying thoughts.

My psychologist admits to finding me a challenge,just when he has an idea,I change,though he does admit he is working with two different people at times,both crossing over each other and intermingling,my thoughts,feelings and actions are that mixed up.

not sure where to post but i know i have DID,BPD, and i'm noe thinking i have dependent personality.. feeling very screwed up

fairydust

if you can'lt find somewhere to post then start a new topic if you wish.

Welcome to the PD room.

Eileen

Hello - thought I would introduce myself on here as so many of my problems seem to fit.

**Maybe some potential triggers in here **

I'm 35, live in Devon UK, orig. from Scotland. I work in IT.

I have not been officially diagnosed as BPD as so far I have only seen my CPN and will not see the pdoc until October. I have had (or at least came very close to) PTSD after a rather bad RTA where I was knocked off my motorbike. In the last 6 years I have had a number of operations to repair damage to my left leg and ankle. I have worked out in the 6 years I have had about 1 year off work due to recovery/operations. I have had bouts of depression (well that was what they diagnosed) on and off during those 6 years and I have had 'moments' of being agitated, irritable, angry - I have hit out at things (not people unless it is me), I have shouted and screamed and then fell into 'trance' like states or bawled my head off.

My wife left me about 3 months ago. She left without any warning. I came home one day from work to find the keys, bankcard and a letter. She had taken her stuff and just gone. In the morning I had kissed her goodbye as normal - she never let on that she wasn't going to work. She has moved in with a 'friend' that we both knew - I think she wanted to sleep with him for sometime before she left. I was (am) devastated. She said she left because she could not handle my depression, my mood swings, my sexual needs (bicurious but not tried and fetishes for rubber/pvc).

I have a new GF now. We have already argued and I have once shouted and got angry. She says she loves me very much and wants to help me. I have tried to explain how I am depressed and need space but I keep needing to go back to her as well. Its very difficult. I find it hard to know what I should do...I sometimes think she is the best thing since sliced bread and yet other times I find that I am irritable and upset with her (but I think its just me really). She does keep loving me and I so do not want to be alone in my life. Making a decision about being with someone again, building a life with someone, being there for someone is so difficult and scary. I have told the GF that sometimes I cannot 'be there' for her as I need to concentrate on me and my head.

What is making life harder is I have a son from my 1st marriage (which when broke up I went out with my 2nd wife). I have a daughter from my second marriage. I hardly ever see my son as he lives so far away and I see my daughter every 2nd weekend or so. I need to pay money for their upkeep....this works out at about 20% of my monthly take home pay - I have gone from having 'spare' cash to now not having enough. I have had to cut back on so many things to try and save money.

I am having to sell the house that was bought to be our home. So much time and effort has been out in but now I will not have the benefit. There was a lot of money spent on things over the years (money was wasted) so the house will sell okay but there will not be a lot of money left over. I am going to have to move. I will have to move closer to work and further away from my daughter because I can't afford to pay for the children, pay rent and pay petrol money to get to and from work. I really want to go out and spend a lot of money on a big holiday or something but it'll all be on the credit cards and I know thats no good.

I am feeling very depressed, stressed, anxious. I am on Prozac for the depression and I have started light therapy to try and help. My CPN wants me to do some 'mindfulness' work to see if some of my racing thoughts can be brought under control.

I don't feel like I have much control over anything right now. I am not sure if I like the job I am in - I don't feel like I can concentrate or be productive as I should be, I am not sure if I should be with anyone else, I don't know where I am going to live soon (once house is sold), I have lost everything that I thought my life was and I still have to sort my ankle out which is a reminder to me. I want someone else to take responsibility for everything because I can't handle all his - I do not know what is me anymore. How much of my life is me? How much of how I act, behave, live is me? What about my needs - are these just 'things' because of the illness?

Where do I go from here? I am depressed, I may have BPD I may even yet have PTSD. How can I be treated? Will I be okay? Will I survive?

Sorry sorry, I have rambled on and so much has come out in a short space. I am feeling quite low this morning and headachy. I am working from home but just feel like crawling back to bed (but I won't as my sleep is all woring anyway). I am sorry to have gone on a bit. I hope that someone can help with my questions and fears. I am not alwasy this low, sometimes I can be really caring, happy and loving and I hope I can offer that to people in my better moments.

Sorry for being so long (and boring).
Jon

Jon

I feel for you being in this position. I too work in IT and have had long periods off sick in the last 6 years ranging from a couple of months to 3 1/2 years.

You do need to get a diagnosis and I hope that your meeting with the psychiatrist will help. Please be as honest with him as you can. It certainly sounds like you may have Borderline Personality Disorder but only a professional can truly make that diagnosis.

ONce you have a diagnoses then you can receive the proper treatment, which might be other medications in addition to the Prozac. For instance for my bouts of anger I'm on Chlorpromazine (an anti-psychotic) and have been on other meds for anger at various times. Some of which I've been on have been Olanzapine (Zyprexa), Risperidone and one other I can't remember the name of. I had to change from them because of side effects. They can also help with racing thoughts.

As to where you will live, is it possible for you to buy another place or could you check out Housing Associations or Council Housing. I know its not as good as having your own place since you have already owned property, but it can help. I'm in a housing association flat.

It does sound like you are seriously depressed, this will affect your job. Do they know that you are suffering from depression? are they a good company with a good personnel department? would they be compassionate? Some companies may have access to counsellors or advisers. They may also be able to help you out workwise, but they have to know what you are suffering from. It just depends on how the management view depression. I know that when I worked in my first job after Uni they were not caring at all about the fact that I had depression and I think 'coming out' contributed to my being sacked, although there were other factors as well.

You will survive, you will continue to see your daughter and son.

I think that it is possible that you have PTSD (some of the symptoms of this mirror BPD so you may not have BPD - just a thought).

I think that PTSD is best treated with talking therapies. Ask about that. Psychotherapy may help or psychology.

Try and be honest with your feelings and explain things to your GF. Don't forget to tell her that you love her and appreciate her (if you do).

TAke care.

Eileen

Hi,
Thanks for your reply.

ONce you have a diagnoses then you can receive the proper treatment, which might be other medications in addition to the Prozac. For instance for my bouts of anger I'm on Chlorpromazine (an anti-psychotic) and have been on other meds for anger at various times. Some of which I've been on have been Olanzapine (Zyprexa), Risperidone and one other I can't remember the name of. I had to change from them because of side effects. They can also help with racing thoughts.

Well, if there are meds that can help with this aspect and they think they are appropriate then I'll give them a go.
As to where you will live, is it possible for you to buy another place or could you check out Housing Associations or Council Housing. I know its not as good as having your own place since you have already owned property, but it can help. I'm in a housing association flat.

I think I am going to have to rent for a bit....I hope it will give me a chance to sort out where I am going to love and what I am going to do with life. I have so much 'stuff' which I know I don't 'need' but its been part of the hard work I have put in toget to this point so its a shame but I am likely going from owning a 3 bed house to renting a 1 bed flat :( and the cost is just awful.

It does sound like you are seriously depressed, this will affect your job. Do they know that you are suffering from depression? are they a good company with a good personnel department? would they be compassionate? Some companies may have access to counsellors or advisers. They may also be able to help you out workwise, but they have to know what you are suffering from. It just depends on how the management view depression. I know that when I worked in my first job after Uni they were not caring at all about the fact that I had depression and I think 'coming out' contributed to my being sacked, although there were other factors as well.

Work wise they are quite good and there is access to telephone counselling and help. The HR dept. are not bad really. I will likely mention something to my direct manager - he is aware that my wife left and that there is a lot going on. They did say to try and not bring personal life into work which I guess is fair enough from the company viewpoint. Not sure there is much they can do for me but I suppose if they are aware then it lightens the pressure a little

You will survive, you will continue to see your daughter and son.

I think that it is possible that you have PTSD (some of the symptoms of this mirror BPD so you may not have BPD - just a thought).

I think that PTSD is best treated with talking therapies. Ask about that. Psychotherapy may help or psychology.

Well, I guess that I have had two major shocks both from the accident and the way my wife left (which I never expected at all). I have had some intrusive dreams/nightmares about both these events and it all seems to be adding up to the loss of sleep :(


Try and be honest with your feelings and explain things to your GF. Don't forget to tell her that you love her and appreciate her (if you do).

I have tried to be honest with her. What I find really difficult right now is that I know I care for her - but I cannot tell within myself if I love her. Because of my 'internal' struggle I find it hard to feel in a proper way. I just don't know...once I am better then I will be able to tell. I have told her that and its her choice to stay with me...she says she loves me very much....I find that I need to pull away many times and need my own space - again I just do not know if this is 'me' or an 'illness'....and to be honest right now, I don't wish to change anything, I want to wait and see once the house and a few other things are settled down.

Jxx

Hi, i'm new here.

Hoping I'm able to get only the best of it...

hi keren welcome to our area of DF.

take care.

Eileen

Hello everyone.
I have been on the forum a while now but have been pointed in this direction by Lambvet to get some info on dissociation/depersonalization.

I have had some scary moments during my counselling, a bad one last Friday which the GP has diagnosed as dissociation.
I went blank [happens fairly often at counselling] but it deepened into me losing all contact with reality. I fought to come out of it and was shaky and crying.

I think I understand a bit more about it now.

Hi Dasiy,

I also have been diagnosed with depersonalization. It was very difficult for me to accept the diagnosis because I was terrified of the stigma I would encounter from the world. I had already had many negative experiences with friends and aquiantainces once they found out I had depression, problems with anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. So, I was terrified of the reactions of others when they found out I also suffered from depersonalization. It is still extremely difficult for me to admit that I have a dissociative disorder.

Hopefully, you may find some understanding here.

Hi Cookiecrumbs.
I would love to know more about what happens to you, I have never known anyone to have this. I didn't even know what it was.

hi everyone,
i was recently diagnosed as BPII, but then when i moved away for school i couldn't get to find a new doctor in the new area. so i went to the mental health centre here in town and talked to a crisis nurse, who told me she wasn't convinced i was bipolar, and that there would be about a year wait to see a psyc. i'm not one to self-diagnose or anything really, but i've heard of bpd before and i think it fits my life perfectly. i think i meet 7 of the qualities, with one being a 'sometimes' and then one 'no'. i have no idea what to do from here since i can't find a psyc to see in the area.
anyway, just wanted to say hi and introduce myself since i've been lurking around here. the more i read, the more i think i am bpd.

Hello, I'm Florry and I've been here a while but have come to this forum for a bit of information on Depersonalisation and Derealisation.

A lot of the time things around me look very odd, but when it gets bad it looks as though everything is fake and unreal, and like I'm looking out from the back of my head, far far away from the cartoon like world around me...

I tried to explain this to the CBT person today, but she didn't really seem as though she took it in. Hopefully I can discuss it a bit more with her next week.

I'm not sure if this is appropriately posted, so I'll end here. Thank you for reading

Take care, Florry

Hello,

I started therapy a while ago and am learning and understanding why my thinking is the way it is, so negative. I am kind of scared of the stigma, but am working on it. Mostly want to overcome the fear of social situations, anxiety, the negative thoughts and concentration, and being able to feel safe in relationships.

Hi

I thought I would introduce myself in this section, after being pointed in this direction By TRACE.

I am 32, was diagnosed with depression at 18. Been on and off meds since then, usually off them cos I get fed up taking them and just stop!

I have been on citalopram 6 weeks now.

Reading through these posts I dont understand most of the conditions that are mentioned here.

I tried ONCE explaining to my husband who I recently seperated from due to my "issues", how I talk to myself in my head as if there are 2 or 3 of me in there. I didnt say to him " i hear voices", as I dont see it as hearing voices, cos it is just Me, if that makes sense.

He called me a fruit cake and said DONT tell anyone you hear voices, it isnt good, they'll think you're mad, they'll lock you up etc etc etc.

Is this normal?

I always thought it was normal reflection on day to day events. I never knew it wasnt "normal" (is anyone in the world really normal lol)

I do have terrible moods swings, most of the time I am shy, reclusive, etc but sometimes with no triggers that I can see I go SNAP and am this grumpy moody person, irritated at people for the smallest of things, and sometimes i even start shouting and swearing at people in shops and stuff. This has only happened a few times, because I dont go anywhere alone, my husband is with me and he can usually see me biulding up to this point and takes me out and calms me down.

I have never spoken to my doctor about this, I am more scared he will say it is normal and I am wasting his time, than I am of being told there is a problem there.
I worry about my job, my kids, my pets. My home comes with my job so if I loose my job I loose my home.

Sometimes, i cant explain why, but i just feel I am falling apart at the seams, nothing makes sense, nothing means anything and I am in a world of my own. I cant concentrate, take little interest in anything much these days, and want to just sit in my own little bubble and fade into nothing.

Sorry to rant on..... I'll shut up now!

Hi and Welcome to the PD room Jan

You are definately not mad and not alone. Please don't be afraid of talking to your doc about this at all. Lol, I talk to myself all the time. Its one of the ways I work things out. Please make yourself feel at home.

Trace

Hi,
I am a 30 year old male, i live in London, england. I am very new to the forum and this is one of my first posts. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder and bpd about 6 years ago. I was on medication and saw a therapist which got my depresseion under control. But i continue with bpd, i struggle to make my freinds and family understand me and my actions.

Hi and Welcome Liam

It can really be hard for people who have never suffered from depression or a personality disorder to understand it. You may want to try printing out some info for them to read. Its good to have you here and you are not alone. Please make yourself feel at home.

Trace

Hi,

I'm new to DF and trying to get involved and make myself post. It's a big effort to write my feelings, so mostly I read other people's posts. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD. I was already on meds and in therapy for depression when this came up. I feel very sad about the diagnosis. The theraputic work is hard, because I don't care to re-live my traumas. My therapist suggested EMDR, but it feels overwhelming to get that deep into my head.

Thanks for listening. ~Juli

Hi Juli,

well done for posting, it can be quite scary at first! Hopefully as time goes on you'll find it easier to post about your own feelings. Reading other people's posts can also be really helpful though.
I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis and can understand how confusing it must be for you but I guess you have to think that if they diagnose correctly, then you're more likely to get treatment that works for you.
Good luck with your therapy.

PRT xx

Hi Trace,
Thank you for your kind welcome. I have spoent a lot of time reading other posts but was unsure about posting myself. I am so glad i have now. I have tried to print out stuff and they read but they dont seem so understand. I feel like a burden sometimes, i am trying to see my doctor again to get help. Last time i was told i was all ok and did not have mental illness anymore, BPD was a behavour problem. I have felt so alone for so long, i hate hurting those i love.

Hello PRT,

I had an appointment with my therapist today, it was hard to talk, and I felt completely disassociated the whole time I was there. I always cry for a long time after my sessions. My therapist is so patient and kind, which is what keeps me going, but the PTSD diagnosis is still hard for me. I will continue with the therapy becuase I have hope that one day it will make a difference in my life. Hope you are doing well.

~Juli


This post has been edited by julidarlin: May 7 2009, 05:03 PM

There is one school of thought that says if you're crying after your sessions then they must be doing something right. I stopped my counselling because I pretty much felt indifferent after a session so didn't feel it was benefitting me.
I'm sure it will take some time to come to terms with everything. I think it would for me if I was in your shoes. It's good that you're determined to see this through - I think that really makes a difference.

PRT xx

***POTENTIAL TRIGGER***




Hi everyone. My name is Autumn, I'm 22 and from the US. i felt i should put the trigger there because i do not want to upset anyone. I've never posted in a forum of any kind so this is rather new to me. I am not used to posting my feelings in places where i know alot of people read, either, so it makes me kind of nervous. I just feel that I want to talk to people who are experiencing the same as me and can feel empathy, as i will feel for them.

i'm a borderline and i've got some comorbid conditions (recurrent depression, GAD..although i'm not convinced that those symptoms aren't just part of my BPD).

i've never really suffered abuse of any kind, my parents were strange though, mother was very overprotective and overbearing to an extent, and father was distant. i was homeschooled from 6th grade to when i started college, and so i had no friends until about 10th grade. i think maybe that had something to do with the disorder..cause i know that although no one knows the exact cause, alot of sufferers have history of abuse.

i've been depressed for as long as i can remember though, as early as 5th grade. the self mutilation started around 17, the drug/alcohol abuse started around 19, and i'm trying to recover and piece my life back together. sometimes i feel i am only doing this to appease my parents and boyfriend, recover for their peace of mind and so they can feel happier. i feel so apathetic towards myself, so numb and empty. my psychiatrist tells me that i am really not that bad off, and he's sorry i do have to feel the symptoms i do. it makes me feel that i am ungrateful for the life i have, and i simply whine about minor problems. as a result i feel i have no right to feel the way i do. when i try to talk to my therapist about my problems, i just end up having a little chat session with her, i find it almost impossible to speak of my problems to them, the things i feel when i'm having an intense episode of anger seem non existent at the moment, so i can only really describe the sadness. in public, i can maintain myself usually very well if i have to speak with someone.

during fights with my boyfriend i've punched or scraped walls with my knuckles, thrown things at him, screamed and called him names, and then felt terrified when it was over and so ashamed, questioning how long until he would leave. sometimes instead i just cry until i feel like i can't breathe. my anxiety problems skyrocket too, especially last fall when i transferred to a bigger school. i would bring flasks with me and drink some before class because i couldn't stand being in there with so many people, i was terrified and had alot of panic attacks.

i hope this message isn't too long or contains too much information, i really don't want to upset anyone. i just want to feel that someone understands my condition and won't be angry at me for it. i feel alone, sad, and confused. and the medications i am on are getting to be very annoying, i'm forgetting everything and can't focus at all (its 400mg lamictal and 30mg lexapro, if anyone else takes them).

i'd like to get to know some people on here, to hear of the problems i'm feeling and have felt, to understand that there really are people who get it and care.

Hi all,

I'm a new member, but have been reading on these forums for quite some time.

I have PTSD and have always been comforted by reading everyone elses stories and knowing I'm not alone in this journey.

Glad I've finally joined!

Would love to talk to anyone and everyone

Hi and Welcome Whiteraven

You are definitely not alone here. I am glad that you are in treatment. BPD is really hard to live with and I hope that we can give you the support that you so need and deserve. You may want to check out the Other Meds Room and the Celexa/Lexapro Room for others experiences on your meds.
Please make yourself feel at home.

Trace

Hi and Welcome Karmic Serenade.

I hope you enjoy being in South Africa!
I am glad that you found us. You are definitely not alone. Keep talking to us, we are a wonderful bunch of people.

Trace