51 years old... probably posting a few decades late. From my earliest memories I've been an isolated person. A loner. A quiet observer. I recall my teen years being very dark in particular. Things got a bit better after that, but in the last year.... the darker side of depression seems to have returned with a vengeance. So... I have a fabulous job that's very rewarding in a lot of ways (I get to help a lot of people, and the pay is fab). And I have a close core of... "close aqaintances" who love me (As hard as that must be for them). Objectively, things should be fine. Recently however.... I've never been very successful at romantic relationships. I can have them but... I tend to torpedo them after a bit... because I didn't like their nails or the color of their car or some silly silliness. So this year.... I became smitten and twitterpated with a really extra super person. Not only very very nice, but she was crazy about me too. Then I just woke up one morning, 6 months into it, and this tiny click went off in my head, and that was it. I quit. And I hurt her quite a bit. So after the dust in my head settled... I was shocked--- I had just dumped a really fabulous person for NO REASON at all- not even any pretend or dumb reasons. So.... since then I've just been drifting deeper and deeper into solitude. My friends are having a hard time contacting me. Work is great, but when I get home, I really just want to sit in the garden with my dog.... and then night time comes.... I almost fear sleep now. I can't really control.... these negative thoughts... whilst the recent relationship sadness is bad... that's not even it.... it's some larger more underlying thing I have with letting people in.... I think. (I'm just guessing). I tend to peg this on my navy brat childhood.... moving all the time. i remember, every two years, looking out the back window of the car, waving goodbye to friends you would never see again. Could that be it? Maybe I'm just a weirdo. Maybe I'm just too self absorbed and I should "just get over it." I don't know. This feeling.... this bad feeling... I'm thinking if the childhood this is true-- then what happened then happened, and my adult response to that is... "correct" ie... there is really nothing to be done. I just have to live with it. I also notice that this is starting to leave me uninterested in the future.... whilst I'm not suicidal and can't ever imagine being so (I love the color of the early morning light, and the breeze that comes in my bedroom window)... it's like...I don't really care what happens, like in some ways I've stopped trying. Like I don't even care. (Except for work, which without, I would be doomed). Having said that I don't even care... then why, today, after a really bad night, did I get up and see if anything would come up with I googled 'depression forum'.... Why I am writing this I don't even know. I have zero expectations.... I don't know... maybe there is some tiny cell in my somewhere that is still hoping.... and hoping that that famous Jon Voigt quote from Runway Train ("Win... lose... what's the difference?") really isn't "true." Excuse my rambling..... MikeyToo