Ugh, where to start...


Hi!




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Today obsessing over stuff like usual but finally getting some work done, crying randomly, then feeling good again, wanting to go dancing, then call my therapist and cry for half an hour while walking around on the roof(just to speak alone not to jump, but it did, though not seriously cross my mind and yes I was kinda joking) No I"m not suicidal, I wanna live and feel normal like I did before....

SOOOOOOO I"m thinking if half a dose of Celexa does that to me (also killed my appetite and made me vomit, I already lost ten pounds in the last few months so yay, I"m friggin underweight, I cant stand to lose more weight)

SO yeah haha

I was reading up on stuff and I think that thats what Celexa does to me it COULD actually maybe really mean I'm bipolar 2???




I"m at the end of my rope.....Tomorrow Ive got two appointments, I need a new doc


I feel no one understand me, least of all myself....I just know and feel I"m on the wrong typ of meds and something in me got severly screwed up, misdiagnosed whatever


I"m 26 years old btw







So yeah i had to vent.....



I appreciate any input/insight/comments

This post has been edited by Aerial: Oct 6 2009, 08:41 PM

It sounds like you are really suffering on the med merry go round. Unfortunately, most of us go through a trial and error process to find the meds that suit us best. Sometimes, the same goes for finding the right fit with a psychiatrist and therapist.

I hope you'll keep up the search and find the best doctors to help you.

Hi!

Thanks for your reply, sorry for the language, just got sooo frustrated.

I just wanna know whats wrong with me and and accurate diagnosis and a doc that actually listens to me.

Will see how it goes tomorrow...

Well you might feel so, but it's just a feeling that is telling you that you are not satisfied with your life the way it is now. If you look around at DF you will find that there is a lot of suffering people here, who, though they are suffering, still hold on to life. There are bad days and good days. Sometimes more bad days than good days, but life is never only black (even if one can can feel so).

Please be patient and walk the road together with the rest of us. Sometimes it's impossible to set an adequate diagnose, because the symptoms will fit unto a lot of categories, but not be sufficient to fill the criteria for the diagnose. To find the right meds is try and trial, not easy.

My best wishes for you! Keep the hope

I think that the problem most of us have is getting that Bipolar Diagnosis. And again, it gets back to the circular reasoning within the DSM-V. But, it is what it is. Here's another good example:

I was talking to my shrink last May and I was telling her about my ups and downs... I explained to her that my moods were doing a full 180, depending on the day. I told her that a few days before, I had felt SOO good, even used the term hypomanic (a step above normal) and that the next day, my mood went into the toilet. Her response; 'that's the nature of depression'. Her major issue behind diagnosing me as bipolar was that I had been sleeping, even though every sleep aid she gave me only put me down for a few hours...Also, with every increase in Celexa, I was sleeping less and less.

It's a tough road to go down, but once you get the right diagnosis, everything tends to fall into place.. My brother struggled with depression and GAD for years; went through every SSRI in the book along with all of the Benzos, Neurontin, Seroquel and Zyprexa. He finally tried Cymbalta and everything turned around for him; in a big way. He's now on Cymbalta and a small dose of Klonopin; probably a third the amount of meds he'd been on in the past. You just keep on trucking, if things get really out of hand, you find the help that you need. If it's a trip to the psych center, then so be it.

The last time I had a really bad manic episode, I popped two Ativan, calmed down, got my wits about me, and headed down to the hospital; enough was enough. I know it's a hard thing to do; but at least you'll get multiple views on your illness and you'll be in a safe place...I wasn't even as bad as I had been in the past before my last hospitalization, I was just tired of feeling terrible and I needed help.

christianb--you make some good points!

I have a couple of family members who suffer with Bipolar Disorder and getting a proper diagnosis can be daunting and discouraging. I know it can be a long, difficult slog to then get the correct, most helpful meds, too. My heart goes out to all of you....

Hugs,
Aerial

AGH!

I felt sooo fine today for no reason haha am even listening to Punkrock right now lol, made my husband tea and have plans to even do the dishes
Chatted up other patients and the security guy, asked random people how they are whilst sitting in the sun and smoking a cigarette....NO problems in the subway, felt even comforted by the mass of bodys around me WEIRD for me...
Maybe I should say that I was on a TEENY TINE BITE of Celexa before i went as well as 0.5mg of Klonopin


However, the doc appointments didnt go so well, one was just an evaluation and a promise "someone will call you back between 7 and 10 days.
VERY nice therapist though, so that looks promising a bit.


The second was (after driving there by cab and forgetting my purse in there with my ID woot woot!) after being yelled at by the cab driver and called a crackhead along other names because my Credit Card wouldnt work.

Anyway I'm rambling...

So apparently that was my last appointment with the "Interim Crisis Clinic" without knowing it!

I kept telling the therapist more about my past and that my Dad was Bipolar etc....telling her about the bad Celexa experience which really made me crazy and hypomanic if I didnt have my Klonopin etc.didnt know what would have happened...she kept on insisting I'm borderline, its like she wants to push it on me....I said I might have ONE or two characteristics, but I dont meet them at all when I'm feeling "normal" or "hyper" only when I'm in my depressed or anxious state...

WEIRDNESS


SO I"m going to be taken off the Klonopin completely now, am scared of the withdrawal (even though doc said it shouldnt be that bad since I was on a lowish dose for 3 weeks) and scared of being scared again, I felt soo fine today...well I guess one day at a time....

I'm gonna start a mood diary and set some goals each day now....


What I have right now is some Trazodone and Celexa and friggin Zoloft....ugh

Hope I make it "whole" through that week


Yeah




Oh another thing, the doc actually wanted to start me on Lamictal LAST WEEK and I refused, not knowing what it is or does...or being told anything about it...Now....well....I wish i would have gotten my mind together a little bit better and listened to the doc....
Now he said he cant start me on it since my meds might be changed around in the merry go round next week by a new doc.

Whoohooo!





Hope everyone is well

This post has been edited by AmberBlack: Oct 7 2009, 06:20 PM

One of the things that helped me through the process was my refusal of any benzos....They were offered to me on several occasions and I turned them down; my dad went through a bad bout with them.. But, then again, he's an AA alcoholic who must have lied to his shrink to get the Xanax and Klonopin...Because I turned down the benzos so many times, I didn't get that dreaded 'drug seeker' tag; something shrinks and docs readily throw on people like us. BUT, the only time I felt even remotely normal over my 5 months of hell was when something got REALLY bad an I popped one of the Ativan that I had laying around (given 30 of them 8 months ago, still have 5 of them). I felt calm and normal for several days after I took an Ativan, but I desperately wanted to stay away from the benzos as much as I could. The shrinks saw this and it helped me look a little more 'credible', if that's a good word to use. It just sucks when you are so out of your head and a good dose of Xanax is the only thing that gets you straight. You tell the docs that and again, they give you crap for it.

Part of my refusal was because of a trip to the emergency room last March. I went in with a panic attack (manic episode..), told the ER doc what was going on and he looked at me like a junkie when I told him that I had been given Ativan. The first words out of his mouth were, 'I'm not giving you any ativan..' I didn't even ask for any; really kind of put a bad taste in my mouth with the meds. Now, I have no problem taking my klonopin; I've never abused, nor will I. My younger brother was on Klonopin for 5 years, he never raised the dose and he never abused it; everything was fine. It has it's risks, it's addictive, I've weaned off of it before and I can tell you, it's a cake walk compared to dealing with manic episodes.

Amber, I would STRONGLY suggest the Lamictal; it is BY FAR the best medication that I have been placed on. It has nice, smooth anti-depressant qualities; no agitation, no anxiety, just a calm, happy mood. Push getting on it if you can; from my understanding, it's been kind of a 'magic bullet' for the bp community.

I know the feeling about many meds and wrong diagnoseses. I have come a long way when looking at the big picture, but it's frustrating to take a few backward steps. Good luck to you!!