Hi everyone. My names Jenn. I go to school in Florida. I've been dealing with depression with most of my life. My father abused me when I was seven, leading to a very messy court case, restraining orders, you name it. I haven't seen him since then. I'm 21 years old now. I have had a couple of episodes in my life.

My most recent started in the Spring 2008. I really had no reason to start this one. I'm very involved on campus, I had many people who I liked to call my friends. I"m in student government, a sorority, and 2 other clubs.
In the Spring 2008 I started being very moody, crying a lot, lashing out to all of my friends. I remember getting upset at the stupidest things, liek not being informed about a beach trip, that basically turned into a crying attack with me locking myself in the library not answering any calls. After that, my cousin suggested I see one of the school conselors. I started in March 2008. I saw her weekly at first. I also started seeing a psychologist, because after 2months of talk therapy, i wasn't getting any better. I was put on Zoloft, and at this point I'm at 150mg. By October I was on case management, only coming in every couple of weeks.
March however started a cycle again. I'm back to weekly sessions and I don't feel like I"m progressing anywhere. I'm very unhappy with everything in my life. I don't call my friends anymore. The worst part is they don't call either. I feel very alone. My family is many hours away.

I've been thinking quite a lot about ******* myself lately. DON"T WORRY I WILL NOT DO IT. I have to put an extreme bold on that. I know I won't committee suicide. I just thnk about it a lot. And I just wnat to stop hurting. I want thse negative thoughts to stop. I want to be satisfied with my grades, with my work, with my friends, with my (lack of) romantic relationships. This is why I"m thinking about ******* myself so much lately. again, I WILL NOT ACT ON THIS. I couldn't do it mostly because of my 11 year old sister. I know taht would devistate her so much.
I just won't want to hurt anymore.

So, there's a bit of my story.

Hi and Welcome to DF Tithe

I am so sorry that you are hurting like this right now.
I am glad that you took the steps to get the right treatment. If you have slipped back into depression, it may be an idea to go back to the doc as you may just need a med increase or med change.
Depression needs constant monitoring and med adjustments at times. You will get through this and you are not alone.

Trace

((((Jenn))))

Alot of us have had suicidal thoughts so don't worry too much about them. As long as you are still in a place where you know that it's not really an option and you won't follow through on them. It can just be a way for our brains to try to cope with all the stress and negative feelings that are going on inside us.

Are you doing badly at school? I only ask because you say you aren't happy with your grades or your work.

It sounds like as far as friends go you maybe need to make a clean break and make some new friendships. I know that's hard when you feel so rubbish but it will be much better for you if you have some people to talk to and some things that can take your mind off everything.

Do you find it hard to have a romantic relationship?

You sound like you're very close to your sister, keep that thought close to you to help you when you're feeling down.

PRT xx

I have a past similar to yours when I was about 8. The issue followed me. It hampered how I behaved and affected relationships at work and in my personal life. I didn't seek professional help until my mid-thirties. One of the diagnosis I had was PTSD revolving around the sexual abuse as a child. It took awhile to realize and learn I was the victim not the instigator. As a child, I had no control over what was done to me. At that point in my young life, there was no such thing as child abuse nor the ability to file a suit against the perpetraitor as you did. I subsequently learned how to trust and start building relationships with people. I have true friendships with people that are going on to to 30-40 years and will continue many more years. I trust those friends. They know I have a mental illness and give me a lot of support when I'm having MH related problems. If your friends are calling, you may have to call them and resume what you do with them. I did make some friends (more like acquaintances) while in college. I never saw any of them after college and realized those friends were "transient."

Have you brought up the child abuse with your psychologist? It's something that's hovering over you whether you realize it or not. If you can come to terms or resolve that issue, you may be able to move forward. Are there issues at college that are affecting you? If so, have you brought that up with your tdoc? For therapy to be beneficial, you need to put in the effort and self-work necessary to make changes in yourself. The therapist will not give you the answers.

Is Zoloft helping to lift your mood? If not, I suggest you see your psychiatrist. Another AD may work better for you, but you need to consult with your pdoc.

What is your major at college? You mentioned you were active in student government and I wondered if you are majoring in Political Science.
Sheepwoman