I was doing ok for quite a while. Felt like I was almost winning the battle we face the best I could. I'm getting weaker again.. I'm functioning, so everyone, including the doc, thinks things are going well for me. Inside I can feel things starting to grip me again. Confidence that I will be ok is diminishing. Maybe it was denial, maybe it was in some kind of remission. Maybe the meds were doing there job. Who knows?

Last week I wanted to quit my new-ish job after only 2mo. As more time goes by, I'm having doubts I will be able to be strong enough to push through. Feeling like this and feeling it will never truely end is depressing. As in the past I can't help but wonder when will it ever end, at death? Can I live the rest of my life like this? Do I want to?
I'm not suicidal, and not a threat to myself or anyone else. But the thought of living like this, as good as it might be, is not good enough. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, more so for everyone elses sake more than my own. Inside I feel like a failure. I'm faking it again. I'm doing just enough to be considered functional, but not enough for ME to feel functional. I work 25hrs a week, and sleep every chance I get.
The cognitive s/es of meds are getting to me too. I can't stand when I can't follow a simple conversation with someone with out forgetting what they said before they even finish speaking. I constantly have to ask what did you just say? It's embarassing!
I'm tired of being tired. I can sleep 12hrs a day and still be tired. Or am I losing the will to fight and go on?
When I started this job and was feeling ok, I was looking to the future and maybe even going back to school and get a degree to be able to get a better job. I don't think I can do it. I'm barely getting by now..

I AM so tired!

((((((((Neo)))))))))

It is really good to see you, but terrible that you are in this depressive state. You really do not sound like the Neo we all know and adore.

There is hope and we know that you will get through this, even if it may not feel like it right now. Sometimes hope is what gets you through, even if you are losing hope right now. Maybe you need a med adjustment? Things may also just be catching up on your right now and spiralling you into a deep depressive episode.

Its a constant fight and struggle and I could I would send you all the strength I could. You can get through this. I know it and I know you.

Trace

Neo,

I don't know you (I'm still a newbie), but I know depression. I know feeling like everyone thinks you're fine because you're faking it pretty well--well enough. I know faking it hoping we'll really make it. I know the feeling of despair when we spiral back down, just when things were looking good. I know, too, the heartache that comes sometimes with a good day, or week, or month, just knowing a bad time is around the bend. I know no amount of "it'll be okay, hang in there's" really make us feel better.

But maybe we're lucky. Maybe us bipolars can find some peace in the idea that it will get better. With the ebbs and flows of this illness, by definition, it will get better. Just try to ride it out. It's a process. I know when I'm down, I try to take pride in the smallest things--actually waking up to my alarm. Getting out the door even if I have to stare at myself for an hour to do it. Making myself wash the dishes or pick up my room. Do small things--those things you call barely functioning--and take pride in functioning. It's much harder for us than so many others. So, we get to pat outselves on the back for such things.

Here's to functioning! Yay! We woke up today! As for tomorrow, at the very least, we can plan on waking up then, too. And if we do that enough days, then maybe we'll get back to school and earn that degree. Right foot in front of left. Left foot in front of right. Repeat until life is good again.

We're not alone.

Thanks for the replies

I have a 4 day weekend comming up and we're going to try and get away for a night. I am looking forward to the time off, so thats a good thing.

Right foot in front of left. Left foot in front of right. Repeat until life is good again.

Very wise words. Thanks!

Hi Neo

I hope you enjoy your 4 days off and gives you some rest and relaxation and leaves you feeling refreshed and good.

Trace

look under Depression Central and find the thread about "easy cure". it is SO funny!!! marie claire magazine suggested that writing down 3 positive things we did a day will make us feel better, so we've taken that and written down our positives for the day.

mine are:

got out of bed
brushed teeth
ate
said good bye to husband
worked (work from home).

HI Neo


I used to be on here a lot back when I had only been diagnosed with depression. That went from BP2 and is now BP1 having had some major manic episodes. I can so relate to all that you said. I just know that I have to get through the bad days and hang in there because a day will come that isn't so bad. I have a 15 year old daughter that I do my best to keep my chin up for. Hang in there, there a good days to come.

This is exactly how I feel. I have a life, functional in many ways, good kids and a god relationship but I do find myself asking quite often "is this what I have to do forever? for 50 more years or however long I live?"

It's impossible to think about a lifetime of experimenting with medications or white knuckling through every day.

Last year I read some books on Zen and I really thought things were turning around for me....life is suffering, experience every emotion as if you were the emotion instead of as if it is happening TO you, etc etc.

But I couldn't hang onto it.

I hope you're doing OK.