Rosegirl, It seems that you had a much better day. I am glad. You are a fighter. Keep fighting. You are an inspiration!


Trace

Hey all

Been a while, but the new job is proving to be more of a challenge than I thought. I'm good most of the time, then I dread going and have to drag myself to try and get through a day. I am dead tired at the end of everyday!
I know it's good for me but I can't help having the feeling that I just don't know how long I can go on. My boss has no idea of my mental health and I really don't want to tell her..
I really want to lower my dose of lamictal to see if I can get a little more much needed energy back. But I seem to be rapid cycling again, mild but still happening. I'm also so sick of the cognitive issues! My memory seems to be getting worse and worse. Processing the smallest things is sooo hard. She must think I'm a dummy!
Paranoia is back again. No where near as much as in the past, but becoming a little problematic. My wife has to constantly re-assure me my thoughts are not real...

Thank you for calling me a fighter, Trace! I need to be that if I'm going to make this. I think I was so depressed that it was a neither or either .......... I decided that I had to go on and with that decision came "the fighting spirit".

Neo, I hope this will pass and that you are able to keep your job that seems good for you!!

....................................................................
I had put the alarm at seven o’clock, but was so tired that I stayed in bed for the next 20 minutes before I kicked myself out of bed and started the day after 8 ½ hour sleep. I could still feel that I was satisfied with what I did yesterday and even if I were tired I still had the fighting spirit to fight the depression. Did the ordinary morning ”things” and went to church. Stayed out with some friends afterward. Then it was dinnertime and time for relaxation. I sat down and read in a book. It was wonderfull to relax from everything in the hope that my life would be better. I have to admit that I stayed up longer than my schedule permitted. I could feel a ”depressive touch” because of that, but managed to tell myself that everybody could do mistakes and that I still was om my way out of the depression. Wrote my plan for monday and went to bed.

to everybody!

Rosegirl

Thanks, Rose
Hope you feel better soon!

(((((Neo)))))) I hope that this passes for you soon and that you manage to stay in your job. You have been doing well. I know that once this passes, you will be ok. I just hope its soon.

(((((Rosegirl)))))) I love the way you schedule everything to get through. You really know yourself very well and that is a good thing. We are all human and sometimes its nice to stay up a little later than usual.

Anyway, I have a cold. Luckily its not flu.

Trace

Thanks Neo and Tace!

3) Fighting the depression: I got out of bed a few minutes after the alarm rang. Took my meds and so on. I filled in necessary details at my chart-paper. Got trouble with my PC so early in the morning. Felt frustrated of course, but was eager to make the best out of it even if it PC-problems stole of other important time. Some time afterward I could feel that sneaky depressed feeling, - the ”nothing helps” feeling. I felt tired, but put my ”hand on my shoulder” as if I was a child that needed to be directed by it’s mother: ”Please go on! How will you organize the time you have left?”. I decided to to skip the little walk outside that should help me to get more energy. Started on the physical exercises instead and did them with a precision as if I was in a group were everybody had to do there best to not let the group down. Took my vitamins and started to work in the kitchen. Since I have been so depressed that it was hard to move from one room to another I think that you understand that it was not a pleasure to start on that. How should I be able to overcome this? I decided to role-play that I was an ”ant” that was sent out to help people in need: ”Don’t worry ”honey”. I understand that you have suffered a lot. No shame in that. Now I’m here to help you. I won’t tell a soul how it looks here. That’s a secret between you and me. When we have finished here, nobody will ever think that it it once looked like a ....... Come on, let’s start!” I had my lunch and continued the role play that now had become fun! :) Put on some music to accompany the work ......... Long time ago I found out that to work ¾ of an hour and try to rest for ¼ of an hour is very motivating and helpful to me. I tried to work in that routine. After three ¾ hours I have begun starting the rescue-process of the kitchen. it feels good to have started after being trapped in the very deep depression were it was hard to put one feet before the other. I made dinner, ate it and slept. After the sleep I did my relaxation exercises and then started to plan my day for tomorrow. I had my private time with God which is very important to me. Did some reading before bedtime. I was up to long and had a little arguing with myself about set the alarm for next morning or not. From earlier experience I know that after some days of hard work to get out of the depression it’s easy to backslide. I decided that I should try to prevent backsliding and get enough sleep. I went to bed without setting the alarm.

4) I woke up at the same time as I have got used to for the last few days. Since I knew that this would be a ”dangerous day” (for my progress) I stayed in bed for a while. I had problems with my PC for more than two hours after breakfast and the other ordinary things. Guess if I was frustrated? Oh YES, I was. But I was eager to not give in and to continue my fight against depression. It’s my life and I don’t want to be depressed. When Internet at last worked, I found something very interesting while surfing. I got into a Jewish web-site, and as if it was sent from heaven (I’m a Christian), I found something there that corresponded with my own ideas. (Hope it’s OK that I present some sentences from the site. The sentences are mostly neutral and if these sentences could motivate me, perhaps they can motivate someone else):

"Failing to plan is planning to fail," a wise man said. In order to succeed, you need a clear road map that will guide you on the best possible route to follow in achieving your goal”.

Yes, that’s exactly why I invest in writing all those plans to reach my aim, to get rid of the depression or to live with it in the best way, so it doesn’t disturb my life so much.

"Who is a wise man? One who sees the outcome of his actions before he takes action." In other words a smart person has a vision and a plan of action. He or she assesses the consequences of his/her actions ...... ....... In other words, plan your work and then work your plan”.

WOW, as if I should have said it myself.

”Do not abandon your goal when the going gets tough. ...... the most important factor is the determination to continue through rain, hail or shine. The essential point is "the show must go on."”

Exactly!! That’s why I decided to take it easy this day because I have an aim to work toward!

”Never allow yourself to feel a victim. Do not abandon your goals just because you plans did not initially work out the way you wanted them to.”

Well, that’s what I have decided! What ever obstacle that comes in my way I will either fight it or stay with it! If I find victimization traits in my thoughts I will help myself to get rid of them. Self-blame has never contributed to growth.

”Stick to your morals and beliefs at all costs.”

Be sure! I want to try to do my best to keep my moral right. I want my moral to guide my choices, not the other way around.

”Be fully focused on the job at hand”

Yes, I think that if we try to focus on what we are doing in the here and now, there will be less time to feel depressed as long as we have put time to rest on our daily schedule. When we know that there is a resting time, it’s more easy to focus on whatever we are doing. At least that’s the way it functions for me.

”We are all in possession of the power and the tools necessary to fulfill our dreams, although at times those gifts and opportunities may come wrapped up in problems.

I agree to some degree. I think that if we are willing to accept in a realistic way what are our problems and what are not, if we are willing to accept ourselves the way we are (with and without handicaps), then we can achieve a lot inside those frames. But if we try to climb mountains while sitting in a wheel-chair, we will fall. I hope I have set my aim right according to what is possible for me.

Well, that was my inspiration from the web-site I found. I had to continue with my life and it became dinner-time this day. Chicken today. Jum-jum. . Some time after dinner I had to decide if I were going out with some friends and a lot of other people or to stay home. I felt the anxiety creeping down my back. I was afraid to get rejected. I knew there would be people there that had misunderstood my depression and had mistaken my sad face for the face of someone who doesn’t like contact. If these people were there (treating me like a non-person), I was afraid that my disappointment would show too much in my face – the feeling of being humiliated.

I wanted to push myself to go, but then I sat down for thinking the whole thing through. What would it do to me if I felt that humiliation? I wanted to be strong and and meet this situation with a straight back and my head raised, but was I able to do that now at this point of my life? Wasn’t it me that had written these words earlier to day: ” But if we try to climb mountains while sitting in a wheel-chair, we will fall” ? Yes, it was me that had written that. ”Oh my ... ” I thought. Four days ago I was so depressed that it almost was impossible to set one foot before the other one, only four days ago .............. I decided that I should concentrate about getting over the depression first and foremost. To climb mountains was not at my plan for the moment. That had to come later. The decision suddenly became easy: I was staying home. It was good to feel that this was a decision made by thinking through the situation and not a withdrawal from anxiety. Sometimes anxiety is an inner warning that something is wrong. We have to find out what is wrong before we can decide how to relate to our anxiety.

I sat down and read in a book for a while and took it easy for the rest of the evening.

to all of you!

Rosegirl

PS. I'm so glad because I can write here. As you know I have tried to fight the depression a lot of times from September/October and until now, without succeeding. This time it seems like I have hit the "motivation-button". At least I hope so. If so, it will be of help to me to write these specified writings for about two weeks. Then I probably will be able to write not so long and detailed. (I know from before).

Rosegirl

Keep posting. I know it helps you immensly and we are here. I am sorry that you had a frustrating time, but I am glad that you found something to give you hope and a smile. Those quotes are wonderful.

I got paid today and went shopping. Yay!, tomorrow is bill paying day and then I will be broke for a month again. LOL

Trace

Hi all!

Thanks for your kind words, Trace!



Yes, economic situation isn't always so easy to deal with. But now when the whole world is in an economical crises, it's OK enough that we survive (and a bit more to make life enjoyable, )!

I wonder how all of you are doing: Sheepy, LivingwithBPD, the Australian one (sorry, I have never been good with names), Neo and all the rest of you. Are you OK?

Best wishes for the lives of all of you!

Rosegirl

5) Up early. This day there where no problems with my PC. Breakfast and reading the news. I had only slept for 6 hours and felt very much for going to bed again. I tried to force myself to stay up, but found out that that didn’t work, so I allowed myself to creep to bed again. Slept for several hours. It did me good, because I didn’t have that terrible depressed feeling while I woke up. I just wanted to continue doing the work that had to be done to have a better life. Had an early dinner. Used th rest of the day to study things that interest me and to read and relax.

6)Just a few problems with my PC before it worked. I follow a program for Lent at Internet and it’s rather frustrating when the PC doesn’t work. I had my time with God, then breakfast and news before I felt the depression creeping back again. It always does after a few days hard work to try to recover from it. I stood at a cross road. How I chose to organize my day today, will affect my progress. The problem is that i don’t feel like wanting to do anything. :). I tried to help ”the situation” by taking extra meds, but I didn’t help me in other ways then to prevent falling deeper into depression. the only thing I was able to do was to sit down and study things that interest me. It wasn’t exactly what I had planned for the day. I felt very tired while I went to bed for the night.

Yes, I have understood that that's how you feel. My heart is reaching out for you!

Rosegirl

Rosegirl, even if it is hard, you are doing really well. I like your courage.

Well, I have finally finished my month end running around...thank goodness, I don't enjoy shopping and standing in ques.

Trace