Hi, violet, good to see you back. Hmmm, job opportunities are slim just about everywhere due to this recession. Have you thought about Arizona or New Mexico? Both are warm with no humidity.

Got tires for the truck today. Sis's friend is doing all the fluid changes, checking brakes, seals, valve gasket and whatever else needs to be done.

The first born and smallest of the triplets isn't getting enough milk. The bigger ones push him away from the udders (gluttons.) I'm bottle feeding again.

Sis got on my nerves last night so I let her "have it." and went back to the house. She called me later apologized (yay) and said I did a great job cleaning the 3 stalls.

Tired now.
SW

Congratulations on the triplets, Sheepy! Have you given them names yet? Good for you for letting your sister "have it." Maybe she heard you since she apologized. I hope so.
Our visit with CMH was really good. The gal that helped me with paperwork was nice and very helpful. She mentioned that it was rather clear that I am undermedicated. Um, yeah. After the paperwork, she sent us off to a med assistance place that I didn't know existed. They collected more info and some signatures and sent us back to CMH with paperwork.
I qualify for everything- a new provider, free meds and monthly med checks. The CMH lady will call me to set up an intake appointment as soon as she receives my records from PsyNP and the hospital, hopefully within a week or so. After intake, I'll be given a voucher for 60 days of meds, which will only cost us ten bucks. After that they'll set me up with a new provider and hopefully get my meds straightened out. There won't be any charges other than the initial $10.00.
I am so incredibly relieved.
I sent an appeal to social security. It was much more detailed- my sister did all the writing for me. I suspect I will be turned down again, but my attorney thinks there is some chance that I might get it without retaining his services. We'll see.

r2, congratulations getting all the assistance. If you have an SS attorney worth his salt, your appeal should be approved. Why was your sis helping write your appeal? The attorney is supposed to do that.

I'm not naming the lambs this year. They're all called "baby", "baby girl," "baby boy" or some other affectionate thing. There's 13 of them (baker's dozen) this year. Best lambing season since the 16 a few years back.

Sis may have heard me the other night, but she's back to "nagging" me again. Grr!
SW

Sheepy, I haven't retained him yet. He thought I had a pretty decent chance without his help, so to (possibly) save me some money, he sent me the correct paperwork and a "hint sheet" on how to fill it out. My sister helped because I have learning disabilities which makes it difficult to deal with forms. I can do paragraphs, but have a very hard time with columns and filling in the correct blank areas. I always mess them up.
Congrats on a good lambing season. How's the first born triplet doing?
Sorry your sis is being a nag.

r2, I think it's fantastic that you are on the right track and that your visit was so helpful.

Sheepwoman, I'm glad that your Sister finally said something nice to you, after you "let her have it". Sorry she's nagging you again though.

There is such a nice strong breeze outside at the moment, its kind of taking the edge off the heat.

Trace

Hi Everyone
Good to see you around R2, and of course Violet.

Started sinking a bit last week, then by thur started to finally feel more confiident and could handle the new job. Then that night like a light switch I got a stomach bug. Had to call in sick to my boss on her last day of vacation, at 5am no less. Then spent the whole weekend sleeping or running to the ummm, you know. Couldn't go in today either. Still so weak, but definitely getting better and will drag myself if I have to back to work tommorow.
Actually hulicinated for the first time in a long time. I was laying on the couch and thought it was going to swallow me! Close up like a big mouth. Then I had this weird feeling of when I talked it was someone else talking and all I could hear was some sort of echo. Then I would want to ask my wife if I just said something or not. But didn't want to freak her out. Very weird and hard to explain. Fortunatly it passed though! I think it may have been my meds were passing through so quickly they weren't working. I dunno, I'm just glad it passed!

r2, you don't pay the fees for an SS attorney. They are paid a small percentage of the "back pay" from SSD only if your claim is approved. Consider retaining that SS attorney anyway. First appeals sometimes go before an SS hearing board. The SS attorney goes to those with you and basically handles the meeting.

The first born triplet (Elvira) is doing good. I have to bottle feed her every 2-3 hours and is starting to put on weight. She's "playing" with her big brothers and bouncing around.

(((((((((Neo))))))))hope you start feeling better soon. Found Pepto helps a great deal. Yeah, your meds are going through your system too fast. Are you keeping hydrated? Beware of couches they can be devilish at times.

I think nagging is just part of my sis. Like I slipped and did a "barrel-roll" in the mud this morning. Told her about it and got one of her "typical" lectures. lol Not much she can do about it unless she hires someone to take care of her horses (financially not able.)

It's been a monsoon here the past few days. The pastures are flooded with huge lakes. The ground will soak up the water once it stops raining. In the meantime, having a boat would be nice instead of slogging through over the ankle water.
SW

Neo, I am glad that the tummy thing past and I hope you are completely ok. There is nothing worse than that!

Sheepwoman, I can just see you falling in the mud. We are also having monsoon rain again. I need a boat too and it's cold today as well.

Trace

I'm not quite right. I get like this every year around this time, and being between providers, frankly, I'm scared. Mono therapy w/100 mg Lamictal just ain't cutting it. I think it's a sub-clinical dose, but what do I know?
I'm teary, easily annoyed and not sleeping well. I'm fighting SI. I do have some Zyprexa samples, so I went ahead and took one this morning. It's been a good emergency med in the past, so I'm hoping it will keep me out of trouble until I get my meds straightened out. DH is being supportive & keeping an eye on me.
Anyway, I think I'll be OK. I just don't want to go through this again.

I hear a lot of people in the 100-150mgs of lamictal, R2. Personally I take 300 and have for quite a while now. I swore it wasn't working, but after some time now I know it is. think that it may help to keep my other meds down, like seroquel.

Anyway, hi all
I've been doing pretty good, really can't complain. The job is going pretty good, other than my boss likes to show her power one day, then the next she seems to not care about the very same things that were so important the day before. Very confusing and frustrating!
It does feel good to know I am more capable then I thought. It's not easy but I have been pushing myself and have been able to get up every moring and go so far. I am exausted at the end of the day though!

r2, like Neo, I'm on 300mg of Lamictal and has been a great stabilizer for me. I took Zyprexa as an anti-psychotic and for sleep. If I took it during the day, I was too sedated to give a rat's *** about anything. Look in the Other Meds section for info and others' experiences with both of these meds.

Neo, glad to hear everything's going well for you.

We're having torrential rains and wind-almost like a hurricane. I have a 2+ hour dental appointment (40+ miles away) this afternoon and hate driving in this type of weather.
SW

Doesn't that mean it's doing it's job?

I see a couple choices when the crap really hits the fan, be miserable, or zonked. I'll take zonked. When you need an AP, you need an AP. Not fun to take, but a lot less fun to take when you really need to take it and don't. It's kept me from peaking out the curtains more than once.
I like lamictal now too. It's definitely helping with those drastic swings. But I love seroquel for mixed. It's really helped get me back out in society without looking over my shoulder, constantly.

Thnaks for the well wish's Sheeps

r2, I hope that everything works out ok.

Neo, I'm glad that you are coping really well. Maybe your boss is bipolar and has mood swings.

Sheepwoman, How was the drive in the torrential rain? Its enough to exhaust anyone. I hope you made it safely.

Our torrential rains seem to have stopped, but you never know with this crazy weather at the moment. The winter is going to come and we will have no rain for months and then I will complain about that. Never happy. Lol

Trace

Trace, the drive wasn't too bad. Rain was sporadic and on the lighter side. The dentist appointment was supposed to take 2 hours-it took 4 hours instead right in the middle of commute traffic time I don't like that either as it reminds me of my employer.)

Today is sunny. Can't believe the shower that came through the sun. Last night the 5th wheel "feet" sunk completely due to gophers and the heavy rain. The front part where the hitch is is sitting on the ground. There's a downhill stretch when walking in the trailer. Sis called me around midnight about the drop. She sounded on the panicky side as it happened while she was a sleep.
SW

Sheepwoman, I call rain while the sun is shining a Monkeys Wedding and I believe it brings good things, its normally followed by a rainbow, which I believe are promises. So maybe you have good things coming your way.

All our rain has completely stopped and there is a wonderful howling wind outside. It seems our weather has returned to normal.

Trace

Monkeys wedding huh? Never heard that before

I let paranoia get the best of me, well not terrible, but rumintating over and over...My boss told me last week we have to sit down and go over some stuff..Turns out I only needed to sign some forms!
She said I was doing an awesome job. Just hope I can keep it up long term...I've gotten fired more than once in the past

Wow, Sheepy, sorry about the sinking trailer. How are you going to be able to get it out of the mud? I suppose you have to wait until things dry out. If it ain't one thing it's another...
I've never heard of a monkey's wedding either Neo. Sounds rather, um, chaotic. I'm glad things are going well for you at work.
I'm not longer teary or irritable, but not sleeping well at all...and I can't shut up.
I did manage to get some Lamictal samples, enough for seven more days. I'm out of Zyprexa and Adderall. I don't care so much about the ADHD stuff though. I just don't want to be crazy again, and it's headed that way, you know, Wheeee! Fun! I can do everything!
Our house is clean top to bottom. Even my car is cleaned out. (I ONLY get it that way when I'm all ramped up, like now.)
So, yeah. Still waiting for CMH, but less motivated to take care of it. Husband won't let me get away with that, however, now matter how wonderful I think I'm doing. We both know where this is heading....
OK. I'll shut up for now.

Neo, Paranioa can be a real pain. I am glad that you are doing so well at your job and your boss is letting you know that. You deserve it.

r2, you sound positively like you are bouncing off the walls and you gave me a smile for the day. I hope you get what you need soon, so that you can be stable again. At least your house and car are clean. Want to come and do mine too?

There is actually a African Fable behind the Monkeys Wedding thing. Remind me and I will tell it to you one day.

Trace

The trailer is on it's "feet", level and more stable. My neighbor and one of his workers came over with a hydralic jack and lifted the trailer up. It now has gravel and croncrete blocks in the front and 24" square concrete pavers at the rear. It won't sink now. My sis lives in the trailer so it was necessary to get it up out of the mud. Everytime I went in, I'd get seasick. lol

Sis is getting on my case again. I wish she'd stop but it's her nature to tell me stuff I already know.

I'm going to have a huge veggie garden this summer. It'll be 100 feet long and 10 or 12 feet wide. The area gets sun from sunup to sundown. I've been taking out the manure and spreading it out. I don't know if a rear tine tiller will level out the hills and gullies where it was plowed up. If it doesn't, I'll have to do it (no big deal.)
SW.

Hi, it's me again, feeling very, very depressed and with almost no energy. The winter depression has been extreemly hard this year. Still I have managed to find a level to try to get myself out of the bump this day. I have written a plan for what to do tomorrow. I have printed out a goal-worksheet, a charting paper for important daily activities, a mood-chart and a monthly mood and rythm chart.

The starting with making the tools I need to begin to fight the depression has liftet me a bit. I feel a bit exited over going to start to "climb the mountain" to morrow.


Send my best wishes to everybody!

Rosegirl in the "dessert" trying to find a way out ...................

Sheepy, I'm glad you got your sister leveled out, er um, her trailer.

Sorry you're going through such a hard time Rosegirl. The lists of things to do can be really helpful for me, as long as I don't lose the list. Mood charting is good too. Wish you well in climbing that mountain.

I'm actually doing pretty well. Zyprexa is working for me. I just had to go up to 20 mgs and it calmed me down. The only side effect is that I want to eat too much. I also have the usual spring urge to garden, but will have to stay with house plants this year. We may be moving in with my mom soon.

So my appointment with the county mental health people is on Monday. Wish me luck!

Sheepwoman, do you want to help me with my veggie garden, that I have not really started yet?

Rosegirl, Welcome back, I think you need some of these.

r2, I am glad that you are doing better and Good Luck for your appointment.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. The sun finally came out here.

Trace

Thank you for your kind words, r2mnot!! Yes, Trace, I could really need a lot of these:

Saturday's truggling for a better life:

1)Well, this day was to be my new start for my recovery after feeling so depressed and exhausted that I have had problems seeing the light in the tunnel. Can I make it? Hope so!!!! I was able to get up immediately when the clock rang this morning even if I had only slept for 6 hours. WOW feel proud!!!! :) I took my meds and did my prayers , ate breakfast while reading the morning news and did the usual personal hygiene inclucive brushing my teeth and so on. I did a few morning exercises for my body. Then I wanted to go to bed again, but told myself to stay in the recovery program. I had some trouble finding something I needed on my PC and lost time that was set apart for other things. I remembered to not blame myself for that and tried to adjust the program and go on with it. Took my vitamins and my Omega 3. (One of the meds I’m using can’t be taken together with vitamins, so I have to put on the alarm on my mobile as a reminder to take them later). Glad I remembered to put the ”vitamin alarm” on this day, because I have forgotten to take my vitamins for a long period. Remembered to fill into the chart what was needed to fill in. Then I went for a short walk outside and did some more physical exercises for my body. Have to try to get in good physical condition. A lot of science show that a good physical condition helps to lower depression. I had my lunch. I had forgotten to put relaxation exercises in my plan, but put it in this day. PMR is very helpful for me. After the relaxation exercises I started with ”the work” for this day. I had scheduled to plan my food list for the whole week, grocery and work in kitchen for this day. There became very little work in the kitchen because my bike didn’t function. I tried to repair it, but without success. I had to walk to the grocery and carry all those heavy bags all the way home. I noticed that all the frustration did not trigger my depressed mood, but made me eager to continue fighting the depression instead. After dinner I felt the need to relax and did so. I went to bed about 10:30 PM and felt good about that I had not fallen into self-blame with all the stress around my bike and the papers I had to use so much time to search for.


for everyone!

Rosegirl

Rosegirl, It seems that you had a much better day. I am glad. You are a fighter. Keep fighting. You are an inspiration!


Trace

Hey all

Been a while, but the new job is proving to be more of a challenge than I thought. I'm good most of the time, then I dread going and have to drag myself to try and get through a day. I am dead tired at the end of everyday!
I know it's good for me but I can't help having the feeling that I just don't know how long I can go on. My boss has no idea of my mental health and I really don't want to tell her..
I really want to lower my dose of lamictal to see if I can get a little more much needed energy back. But I seem to be rapid cycling again, mild but still happening. I'm also so sick of the cognitive issues! My memory seems to be getting worse and worse. Processing the smallest things is sooo hard. She must think I'm a dummy!
Paranoia is back again. No where near as much as in the past, but becoming a little problematic. My wife has to constantly re-assure me my thoughts are not real...

Thank you for calling me a fighter, Trace! I need to be that if I'm going to make this. I think I was so depressed that it was a neither or either .......... I decided that I had to go on and with that decision came "the fighting spirit".

Neo, I hope this will pass and that you are able to keep your job that seems good for you!!

....................................................................
I had put the alarm at seven o’clock, but was so tired that I stayed in bed for the next 20 minutes before I kicked myself out of bed and started the day after 8 ½ hour sleep. I could still feel that I was satisfied with what I did yesterday and even if I were tired I still had the fighting spirit to fight the depression. Did the ordinary morning ”things” and went to church. Stayed out with some friends afterward. Then it was dinnertime and time for relaxation. I sat down and read in a book. It was wonderfull to relax from everything in the hope that my life would be better. I have to admit that I stayed up longer than my schedule permitted. I could feel a ”depressive touch” because of that, but managed to tell myself that everybody could do mistakes and that I still was om my way out of the depression. Wrote my plan for monday and went to bed.

to everybody!

Rosegirl

Thanks, Rose
Hope you feel better soon!

(((((Neo)))))) I hope that this passes for you soon and that you manage to stay in your job. You have been doing well. I know that once this passes, you will be ok. I just hope its soon.

(((((Rosegirl)))))) I love the way you schedule everything to get through. You really know yourself very well and that is a good thing. We are all human and sometimes its nice to stay up a little later than usual.

Anyway, I have a cold. Luckily its not flu.

Trace

Thanks Neo and Tace!

3) Fighting the depression: I got out of bed a few minutes after the alarm rang. Took my meds and so on. I filled in necessary details at my chart-paper. Got trouble with my PC so early in the morning. Felt frustrated of course, but was eager to make the best out of it even if it PC-problems stole of other important time. Some time afterward I could feel that sneaky depressed feeling, - the ”nothing helps” feeling. I felt tired, but put my ”hand on my shoulder” as if I was a child that needed to be directed by it’s mother: ”Please go on! How will you organize the time you have left?”. I decided to to skip the little walk outside that should help me to get more energy. Started on the physical exercises instead and did them with a precision as if I was in a group were everybody had to do there best to not let the group down. Took my vitamins and started to work in the kitchen. Since I have been so depressed that it was hard to move from one room to another I think that you understand that it was not a pleasure to start on that. How should I be able to overcome this? I decided to role-play that I was an ”ant” that was sent out to help people in need: ”Don’t worry ”honey”. I understand that you have suffered a lot. No shame in that. Now I’m here to help you. I won’t tell a soul how it looks here. That’s a secret between you and me. When we have finished here, nobody will ever think that it it once looked like a ....... Come on, let’s start!” I had my lunch and continued the role play that now had become fun! :) Put on some music to accompany the work ......... Long time ago I found out that to work ¾ of an hour and try to rest for ¼ of an hour is very motivating and helpful to me. I tried to work in that routine. After three ¾ hours I have begun starting the rescue-process of the kitchen. it feels good to have started after being trapped in the very deep depression were it was hard to put one feet before the other. I made dinner, ate it and slept. After the sleep I did my relaxation exercises and then started to plan my day for tomorrow. I had my private time with God which is very important to me. Did some reading before bedtime. I was up to long and had a little arguing with myself about set the alarm for next morning or not. From earlier experience I know that after some days of hard work to get out of the depression it’s easy to backslide. I decided that I should try to prevent backsliding and get enough sleep. I went to bed without setting the alarm.

4) I woke up at the same time as I have got used to for the last few days. Since I knew that this would be a ”dangerous day” (for my progress) I stayed in bed for a while. I had problems with my PC for more than two hours after breakfast and the other ordinary things. Guess if I was frustrated? Oh YES, I was. But I was eager to not give in and to continue my fight against depression. It’s my life and I don’t want to be depressed. When Internet at last worked, I found something very interesting while surfing. I got into a Jewish web-site, and as if it was sent from heaven (I’m a Christian), I found something there that corresponded with my own ideas. (Hope it’s OK that I present some sentences from the site. The sentences are mostly neutral and if these sentences could motivate me, perhaps they can motivate someone else):

"Failing to plan is planning to fail," a wise man said. In order to succeed, you need a clear road map that will guide you on the best possible route to follow in achieving your goal”.

Yes, that’s exactly why I invest in writing all those plans to reach my aim, to get rid of the depression or to live with it in the best way, so it doesn’t disturb my life so much.

"Who is a wise man? One who sees the outcome of his actions before he takes action." In other words a smart person has a vision and a plan of action. He or she assesses the consequences of his/her actions ...... ....... In other words, plan your work and then work your plan”.

WOW, as if I should have said it myself.

”Do not abandon your goal when the going gets tough. ...... the most important factor is the determination to continue through rain, hail or shine. The essential point is "the show must go on."”

Exactly!! That’s why I decided to take it easy this day because I have an aim to work toward!

”Never allow yourself to feel a victim. Do not abandon your goals just because you plans did not initially work out the way you wanted them to.”

Well, that’s what I have decided! What ever obstacle that comes in my way I will either fight it or stay with it! If I find victimization traits in my thoughts I will help myself to get rid of them. Self-blame has never contributed to growth.

”Stick to your morals and beliefs at all costs.”

Be sure! I want to try to do my best to keep my moral right. I want my moral to guide my choices, not the other way around.

”Be fully focused on the job at hand”

Yes, I think that if we try to focus on what we are doing in the here and now, there will be less time to feel depressed as long as we have put time to rest on our daily schedule. When we know that there is a resting time, it’s more easy to focus on whatever we are doing. At least that’s the way it functions for me.

”We are all in possession of the power and the tools necessary to fulfill our dreams, although at times those gifts and opportunities may come wrapped up in problems.

I agree to some degree. I think that if we are willing to accept in a realistic way what are our problems and what are not, if we are willing to accept ourselves the way we are (with and without handicaps), then we can achieve a lot inside those frames. But if we try to climb mountains while sitting in a wheel-chair, we will fall. I hope I have set my aim right according to what is possible for me.

Well, that was my inspiration from the web-site I found. I had to continue with my life and it became dinner-time this day. Chicken today. Jum-jum. . Some time after dinner I had to decide if I were going out with some friends and a lot of other people or to stay home. I felt the anxiety creeping down my back. I was afraid to get rejected. I knew there would be people there that had misunderstood my depression and had mistaken my sad face for the face of someone who doesn’t like contact. If these people were there (treating me like a non-person), I was afraid that my disappointment would show too much in my face – the feeling of being humiliated.

I wanted to push myself to go, but then I sat down for thinking the whole thing through. What would it do to me if I felt that humiliation? I wanted to be strong and and meet this situation with a straight back and my head raised, but was I able to do that now at this point of my life? Wasn’t it me that had written these words earlier to day: ” But if we try to climb mountains while sitting in a wheel-chair, we will fall” ? Yes, it was me that had written that. ”Oh my ... ” I thought. Four days ago I was so depressed that it almost was impossible to set one foot before the other one, only four days ago .............. I decided that I should concentrate about getting over the depression first and foremost. To climb mountains was not at my plan for the moment. That had to come later. The decision suddenly became easy: I was staying home. It was good to feel that this was a decision made by thinking through the situation and not a withdrawal from anxiety. Sometimes anxiety is an inner warning that something is wrong. We have to find out what is wrong before we can decide how to relate to our anxiety.

I sat down and read in a book for a while and took it easy for the rest of the evening.

to all of you!

Rosegirl

PS. I'm so glad because I can write here. As you know I have tried to fight the depression a lot of times from September/October and until now, without succeeding. This time it seems like I have hit the "motivation-button". At least I hope so. If so, it will be of help to me to write these specified writings for about two weeks. Then I probably will be able to write not so long and detailed. (I know from before).

Rosegirl

Keep posting. I know it helps you immensly and we are here. I am sorry that you had a frustrating time, but I am glad that you found something to give you hope and a smile. Those quotes are wonderful.

I got paid today and went shopping. Yay!, tomorrow is bill paying day and then I will be broke for a month again. LOL

Trace

Hi all!

Thanks for your kind words, Trace!



Yes, economic situation isn't always so easy to deal with. But now when the whole world is in an economical crises, it's OK enough that we survive (and a bit more to make life enjoyable, )!

I wonder how all of you are doing: Sheepy, LivingwithBPD, the Australian one (sorry, I have never been good with names), Neo and all the rest of you. Are you OK?

Best wishes for the lives of all of you!

Rosegirl

5) Up early. This day there where no problems with my PC. Breakfast and reading the news. I had only slept for 6 hours and felt very much for going to bed again. I tried to force myself to stay up, but found out that that didn’t work, so I allowed myself to creep to bed again. Slept for several hours. It did me good, because I didn’t have that terrible depressed feeling while I woke up. I just wanted to continue doing the work that had to be done to have a better life. Had an early dinner. Used th rest of the day to study things that interest me and to read and relax.

6)Just a few problems with my PC before it worked. I follow a program for Lent at Internet and it’s rather frustrating when the PC doesn’t work. I had my time with God, then breakfast and news before I felt the depression creeping back again. It always does after a few days hard work to try to recover from it. I stood at a cross road. How I chose to organize my day today, will affect my progress. The problem is that i don’t feel like wanting to do anything. :). I tried to help ”the situation” by taking extra meds, but I didn’t help me in other ways then to prevent falling deeper into depression. the only thing I was able to do was to sit down and study things that interest me. It wasn’t exactly what I had planned for the day. I felt very tired while I went to bed for the night.

Yes, I have understood that that's how you feel. My heart is reaching out for you!

Rosegirl

Rosegirl, even if it is hard, you are doing really well. I like your courage.

Well, I have finally finished my month end running around...thank goodness, I don't enjoy shopping and standing in ques.

Trace