Here's the situation. A friend of mine (let's call him Jim, aged 26) asked for an appointment with me the other day in my office asking for advice on how to start a business. He has no experience in actual business so he went to me, since I have my own company. Now during our meeting, I noticed bad things about his behavior and I know these are signs of possible mental illness since I too suffered from depression and my dad is psychiatrist. The problem is, I don't know how to tell him that he should go see a doctor.

Here's what I found from my Jim's behavior:

Cluttered Mind - Jim can't answer questions straight-to-the-point. When I ask him even the simplest of questions, he would pause for around 5 seconds and then tell me a lot of stories or reasons related to the question, but not actually answering the question at all. Jim would just keep talking and later on the things he would say aren't even related to the question anymore. Also, its hard to make him stop. I would try to tell him to pause for a while and answer the question, but he would keep going on and on with his stories. His "business plan" isn't even a working plan, just a series of ideas clumped together with organization. I remember my dad telling me that a lot of his patients have a hard time explaining details.

Hero Complex and Over Confidence- Jim's "business plan" is to make a comic that is based on his "expertise" Japanese pop culture. He feels that our country's pop culture is "corny" and "low-class" and that it should be like the culture of more industrialized countries especially Japan. Take note, Jim has never been to Japan and his knowledge of the country is limited to the Japanese animations and comics he collects. In the way he talked, he expressed a relatively high amount of frustration on our country's pop culture and the people who like it. Later on he admitted that he wanted to be someone who can make a great change to our society, he also admitted to having a hero complex. Jim was so convinced that his plan will work even though he has no experience in the world of comics, business, and has never even been to Japan.

Lost of Focus - Once in a while, he would suddenly ask something totally unrelated to the topic. When we were talking about his "plan", Jim suddenly told me "Hey man you look like you gained weight! You look good man! Are you working out?" just out of the blue. I just told him "no", and before I could continue with what I was saying, Jim immediately said "Are you sure man? You look great! I'm thinking of working out myself...". Later on he suddenly interrupted me again, asking me about my dog and his welfare while we were talking about a serious topic. And even this one time when I just merely shifted my eyes to the left just for a second, he suddenly and enthusiastically asked me "What's wrong dude? Is there a fly bothering you? Should I open the door and let him out?". During the course of our meeting, there were a dozen situations where he would suddenly changed the topic to a totally unrelated topic right out of the blue.

Sudden stop of medication - Jim admitted to me that a few years ago, when we were still in college, he was under medication for depression and something else I can't remember. He also admitted to me that later on he stopped medication on his own decision because he feels "happy and not depressed anymore" without consulting his doctor first.

Here's a little background on Jim. Back in college, a lot of people didn't like Jim because according to them he was "creepy". Some of my friends told me that they didn't like Jim because he was too "sticky", that he would act as if they were his best friend even though Jim only met them once. Others would tell me that Jim couldn't take a hint, like that time when Jim interrupted his friend and his date just to talk about a bunch of Japanese animations. That friend was clearly hinting to Jim that he and his date had to go but Jim would just keep talking. I guess this is what's called "lack of social empathy".

Jim would tell me a lot of stories about himself that sound so made up. He claimed that he had a co-worker once who "loved him" so much that she took the fall for his mistake at the office, which got her fired. I asked him "where is she now", and he says he doesn't know. I asked him something simple as what's her name and where does she live, and he had a hard time answering the questions, as if he's making it up as he goes along.

From your discription of Jim, he should be seeing a MH professional. He's sounds delusional. He's been treated before for depression. How close is your friendshp with Jim? If you're "tight", suggesting him to see a doctor might be taken well. There's always the ER available to take him to when he goes way off the handle.

Sheepwoman

Hi Michl,
I'm not sure if he has a "problem". Certainly is displaying some characteristics of some conditions. But that does not mean that there is a problem or a certain business failure.

Advice is often double edged sword. But he asked you for advice, so you should feel free to give some. First, evaluate the technical details of the business plan. Maybe give a summarized example of where it could be (without doing it all for him). Then he should see how short he currently is. (and be prepared for a little "denial of reality" maybe).

Then, maybe at the end, add some personal characteristics of success business people. Maybe point out where you would have concerns of his behavior, if you were an investor in his business.

But bottom line, we're all different. It's the differences that sometimes revolutionize the world. I don't think that's the case here, but if he has a dream and the ability to follow it, more power to him, I hope he is successful. (I'd bet against it though based on your description).

Kinda sounds like a neighbor of mine. Good guy, but same social behaviours as you described. But then, he's had a couple of brain surgeries and is lucky to be alive today.

Hope that makes sense.

I'm not sure if thats so much a mental illness as severe social ineptitude combined with some massive insecurities. My ex-husband actually sounds a lot like this guy. He used to talk incessantly also - even after you had obviously stopped listening, or even responding, after you left the room, or he would try to follow you to continue his babbling. He actually tried to follow me into the shower once to continue whatever inane thing he was talking about - this was after we were divorced!

He also had the whole over-confidence thing. He was convinced he was absolutely brilliant, never mind that he has been working on his BA for 12 years now and counting with no end in sight, that he has consistently consistently struggled to get B and even Cs, even with tutoring, while not working and taking only two classes, while I had a 3.8 GPA with 5 classes and was working on the side - but somehow he was so much smarter than me. This one time he started lecturing me (a Russian studies major) on what life was like in Russia and I disagreed with him, saying that that had never been my experience during the year I lived there, and he told me I was wrong and that he knew better because he had "read about it" (he's never been to Russia and doesn't know much about it all).

This was with no brain surgeries or anything.

The thing is, I don't know where does one draw the line between someone who just has "issues" and someone who is Mentally Ill (in an official sense). My ex had some fairly serious issues, maturity problems, hag ups and complexes, but I never thought of him as being mentally ill. Some people are just cursed with unattractive, irritating, socially tone deaf personalities and are really good at deluding themselves but if thats all it takes to be crazy then that could be an awful lot of people.

Hi michl,

I agree with Sheepwoman that your friend is displaying signs of what could be a MH disorder. My sister presents with those symptoms and then some when she is having bipolar mania.

But, I also think that mmoose gives great advice on how to handle your friend's behavior. It addresses your concerns within the context of his meeting with you.

Thanks everyone. To answer your question sheepwoman, we're not that tight however when we discussed recently about his past medication and how its not good to stop it without his doctor telling him so he seemed to take it well.

That's an interesting story valera, if I may ask, how is your ex now?

Maybe this is a late reply, but he sounds EXACTLY like my father, who has Aspergers Syndrome. Obviously I can't diagnose him or anything, but reading that was just like reading the booklet we got from the place my dad was diagnosed.

Hi Michl,

He's still pretty much the same. The only difference is that he doesn't boast as much as he used to about how intelligent he is. I think its getting harder for him to ignore the obvious signs of loserdom - he's 31 now, unemployed, still isn't anywhere near close to having that BA and living with my mom (she is way too much of a pushover for her own good). Especially since I have since moved to the east coast and am just about to get my second graduate degree from an Ivy League university - the handwriting's on the wall for him I think.

Unfortunately he's convinced he has a right to stay in our house because 8 yrs ago the police were came out on a domestic violence call because we were fighting and I was trying to throw him out of the house (we were both living with mom at that point) and one of them told him that he had a right to be there because that was our marital residence or whatever. So now he is totally certain we can never kick him out even though hello! the marriage is over.

The last time I saw him he accused me of flirting with some guy like 5 yrs ago back when we were married. How does he know I was flirting? I scratched my calf with my foot - that was me trying to be suggestive and it was obvious I was trying to get this guy to notice me. For the record, I barely remember this incident and I don't even remember whoever it is he said I was trying to flirt with. Sometimes I think he is seriously detached from reality.

Actually, now that I see it in print, maybe he does have some kind of condition....