Hello all. I'll write out my story as best I can while keeping it short where items aren't necessary but I have a feeling it will be a long read anyway. I thank you in advance for anyone taking the time to read my story.

Throughout my life, I've struggled with procrastination. I've felt like I've not really accomplished much. I don't have a college degree and I'm 31. However, I'm going to talk about what's happened over the past 4 years that's lead to where I am now.

4 years ago, I was rather happy. I had a successful business of my own, I was dating a lot and in excellent shape. I was having a great time. I was riding my motorcycle slowly down a straight road in the day when a 92 year old man who was not capable of driving struck me, then struck my friend on his motorcycle that was behind me. He had confused the gas with the brake after hitting me.

My back was already bad before but this made it very bad. It was broken and I suffered from 3 ruptured discs as well. I spent the next several years seeing doctors every week. I ended up having to shut down my personal training business. I gained a lot of weight. My pain was intolerable. Doctors were surprised I could walk. I got to the point where I was taking a huge amount of pain medication to keep me from complete misery although it only helped so much. I'm still in chronic pain regardless. I had 3 sessions of physical therapy. I had spine surgery. Nothing helped.

During this time, I moved in with my girlfriend. We have an amazing apartment with a view of the city and ocean. It was my dream apartment. I loved my girlfriend so much. I wanted to marry her. We'd been together for 4 years when she broke up with me. Right before our anniversary. She had given me many, many chances. All she wanted from me was to get up off my back and on my feet and to get my life started again. Nothing miraculous, just to get a job or go to school or do something. I didn't fully understand how depressed I was including the overall effects of all the pain killers I was taking. She wasn't happy with my do nothingism and my weight gain etc. etc.

She broke up with me 8 weeks ago. I moved into my mothers house in the meantime until I find my own place. My things are still at our old apartment that she kept. We still talk. She wishes I would get my act together. She's hinted that she would want me back if I fixed my stuff. Maybe some day.

Anyway, I got on anti-depressants. I'm miserable beyond belief. I started drinking all day. I watch TV from 8am to 2am when I sleep for a few hours. I have few friends. I have no desires. I feel there is no decent job I can get. I'm a genius. Literally. So that makes things all the more difficult. It's hard to look at medial jobs and yet, I feel I don't deserve anything even though I'm capable of so much more. I'm just completely lost. I'm fat, I'm jobless, I'm in chronic pain, I'm completely heartbroken and crying all the time over my ex who I thought would be my wife. My libido is gone and I have no sex drive due to the methadone for my back pain.

I've been seeing a counselor but can't afford to keep going. The only good thing I guess is that I have a small savings from the settlement to get be by for now.

As far as anti-depressants, I started with 20mg of Citalopram and then the doctor upped it to 40mg. I'm at the end of the second month. After the medication was doubled, I started to feel a difference and was feeling better but I feel I've regressed. I'm wondering if I should ask for another raising of the dosage as he said he has many people on 80mg.

I just don't know what to do. I just watch TV all day and waste away.

I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong forum. Please feel free to ask any questions if I did not address them. I'm an open book.

Thanks again for reading my post. - Peter.

This post has been edited by iowa: Nov 6 2009, 08:05 PM

Hi lostinSB and to DF! Your back pain has certainly given you a rough time and I'm sorry about that.
Your primary question seems to be about the antidepressant. We are not professionals here. It does sound like you need an adjustment.
It rather sounds like you'd like to have the motivation to find a job. Sometimes we have to do things that we feel are beneath us. I don't know what type of job would be suitable for you because of your back pain. I guess you know that better than anyone. Certainly watching TV is not going to earn you money or get your girlfriend back. Are you skilled enough with the computer to start a business using a home computer. Or are you interested in getting some training for a certain type of job.
I'm sure that it's really difficult for you to adjust to life with all your pain and now with the break-up.
If you need help in another area, be sure and tell us!
Iowa

Lost, that sucks about your accident. Sorry to hear that. I am also 31 and going through a lot of the same things you are. I just found out I have depression, and here I thought I was just a lazy drunk all my life. I procrastinate and just flat out don't do things I know I should. I however, am very talented, I at one time worked my way into management of one of Americas most prestigious sports teams. pi**ed that away, but now, I have a great job, nice car, nice place. Still depressed! I don't get it, it just pi**es me off. I can do anything if I put my mind to it. But, I just don't care, I would rather just sit at home and do nothing alone.

Hey peter and welcome to DF.

finding motivation while depressed is like finding a 1cm needle in a 2cm needle stack. (i know nothing about needles) but i do know that your interested in motercycles. have you ever considerd repairing them for a living? seems like something you would enjoy. doseages and medicine is best descust with your Dr. play it safe. also maby there are some exercises you can do to help lose weight. ask your Dr about it and see if theres some sort of routine program you can use to keep healthy. you had a personal training buissness. if you know what exercises arnt to much strain on your back then you could try them. once consulting your Dr first ofcourse. getting your girl friend back wont be easy but its something to work for. showing her that you can change for better isnt an easy task but its one that im sure is worth it. a decent job isnt always the right job... that sounds wrong but stay with me on this one. getting a decent job dosnt necercerily meen you will enjoy it and because of your depresion it may just put you down even more. thats why its best to do something YOU enjoy doing. it wont be easy but nothing these days is. also i asume you know much about healthy diets so no need to comment. hope things get better for you man. work at one thing at a time and do it at your own pace. hope this helped some.

keep it real and go for it what ever it may be. peace.

Hi lostin and Welcome to DF,

You have been through a lot with your experience of being hit by a car and your back problems for a long time. None of us are professionals. I'm sure that you know that drinking is going to help matters any especially while on any kind of medication. You do seem to have the knowledge of the exercising that you can challenge but at a slow pace, you also know that you need a job and are knowledgeable enough to get a good job even though it may be a good job are you looking for a job that will make you happy as to with your limitation concerning your back the job would need to be something you enjoy and not as physical. Try to do small steps at a time in order to get your life back. You feel that this was the girl that you wanted to marry, work on these things not only for that but most importantly for yourself. Laying around the house probably isn't so good on your back all the time.

I am not a doctor either but I know exactly what you are going through.
I have a long story but I am not going to get into it. This is my opinion only, but I think you have got to get a medication that works. Obviously the med this doc has you on is not working or I think you would notice. Very good that you know that you need help and are trying something. Nothing you are doing now is unusual as I was like you for 12 years.

I think with the right med, you will feel much better and everything will change.
You cant see it now, because you are depressed, but once the med starts working you will get the motivation to do stuff which includes getting a job.
Your girlfriend seems to be waiting for you. Tell her you are getting help and it just takes time. Dont try to rush getting well for anyone as that will make things worse.

I have no idea about pain, but I know a lot about abusing pain medication. I know you need something. It is relieving the pain, but it is affecting your mood and everything else. You may be getting tolerant to the pain meds also. If you dont take them regularly you will go through major withdrawals including major depression. Often a person will need higher and higher doses as time goes on. I am not against pain meds in any way, I just know what they do.

Again, I know you need something for pain, but any narcotic you take may seriously mess you up badly. I dont know what people can take for real pain that is not an opiate based medication. Also you are taking methadone and I am not sure why. Isnt that what people take to come off of abusing pain meds? I know thats what I took it for. It might help to read up as much as you can on that.

So to conclude, I think you should ask about a different med to see how that works. Also read up as much as you can about all the pain meds you are taking and how they effect you. Once you get the right med, you will get a job, maybe get your old girlfriend back or maybe a new one.

This post has been edited by iowa: Nov 8 2009, 05:20 PM