Hello all. I'll write out my story as best I can while keeping it short where items aren't necessary but I have a feeling it will be a long read anyway. I thank you in advance for anyone taking the time to read my story.

Throughout my life, I've struggled with procrastination. I've felt like I've not really accomplished much. I don't have a college degree and I'm 31. However, I'm going to talk about what's happened over the past 4 years that's lead to where I am now.

4 years ago, I was rather happy. I had a successful business of my own, I was dating a lot and in excellent shape. I was having a great time. I was riding my motorcycle slowly down a straight road in the day when a 92 year old man who was not capable of driving struck me, then struck my friend on his motorcycle that was behind me. He had confused the gas with the brake after hitting me.

My back was already bad before but this made it very bad. It was broken and I suffered from 3 ruptured discs as well. I spent the next several years seeing doctors every week. I ended up having to shut down my personal training business. I gained a lot of weight. My pain was intolerable. Doctors were surprised I could walk. I got to the point where I was taking a huge amount of pain medication to keep me from complete misery although it only helped so much. I'm still in chronic pain regardless. I had 3 sessions of physical therapy. I had spine surgery. Nothing helped.

During this time, I moved in with my girlfriend. We have an amazing apartment with a view of the city and ocean. It was my dream apartment. I loved my girlfriend so much. I wanted to marry her. We'd been together for 4 years when she broke up with me. Right before our anniversary. She had given me many, many chances. All she wanted from me was to get up off my back and on my feet and to get my life started again. Nothing miraculous, just to get a job or go to school or do something. I didn't fully understand how depressed I was including the overall effects of all the pain killers I was taking. She wasn't happy with my do nothingism and my weight gain etc. etc.

She broke up with me 8 weeks ago. I moved into my mothers house in the meantime until I find my own place. My things are still at our old apartment that she kept. We still talk. She wishes I would get my act together. She's hinted that she would want me back if I fixed my stuff. Maybe some day.

Anyway, I got on anti-depressants. I'm miserable beyond belief. I started drinking all day. I watch TV from 8am to 2am when I sleep for a few hours. I have few friends. I have no desires. I feel there is no decent job I can get. I'm a genius. Literally. So that makes things all the more difficult. It's hard to look at medial jobs and yet, I feel I don't deserve anything even though I'm capable of so much more. I'm just completely lost. I'm fat, I'm jobless, I'm in chronic pain, I'm completely heartbroken and crying all the time over my ex who I thought would be my wife. My libido is gone and I have no sex drive due to the methadone for my back pain.

I've been seeing a counselor but can't afford to keep going. The only good thing I guess is that I have a small savings from the settlement to get be by for now.

As far as anti-depressants, I started with 20mg of Citalopram and then the doctor upped it to 40mg. I'm at the end of the second month. After the medication was doubled, I started to feel a difference and was feeling better but I feel I've regressed. I'm wondering if I should ask for another raising of the dosage as he said he has many people on 80mg.

I just don't know what to do. I just watch TV all day and waste away.

I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong forum. Please feel free to ask any questions if I did not address them. I'm an open book.

Thanks again for reading my post. - Peter.

This post has been edited by iowa: Nov 6 2009, 08:05 PM