hi jd, first off let me say that i understand exactly how you feel. i have been there and might i say more then once. however i am glad that i am still alive. you do have courage dear but not the kind that you want. you have the most important courage that is needed. the courage to stay alive, the courage to come here and talk about your fears and feelings. medication does help but i didn't like being like a zombie however everybody needs something more to help them through the hardest of times. like i saw in a few of the other replies there are free clinics and for those who can not afford meds the clinics normally have alot of free sample that they give out and i don't mean just a weeks sample but for as long as you need them. it is from the drug companies that give out the meds in a way of promoting their meds plus the fact that they know there are people like you and i that can't afford what we need. i hope you are able to talk to your girl friend or a friend or family about how you feel. it sounds to me right now that you may want to call the suicide hot line and talk with someone who can better direct you in to right direction as far as getting help or even make a trip to the er to where they also have plans that help people who can't afford there bills from the hosp because they can write them off. a social worker at the hosp can also direct you in the right direction for getting you the right help that you are needing. just remember that you do have courage and that is to stay alive. i hope that you will keep posting how you are feeling and that you get the help that you deserve in staying alive so that you can find that happiness because in the long run it would be worth it. we all have our back slides and still need help every now and then and it is that courage that lets us reach out for help in keeping that courage alive. take care of you and try to talk with someone that can help you and keep posting here if you feel like it because it does help to release some of those emotions.