I have tried researching all about my illness in hopes of containing it without the use of medication, to no avail. This is very frustrating to me in many aspects. I have ruined plenty of legit relationships due to my eratic mood swings and behavior. I almost always lose a job due to it. This can be extremely upsetting to me. It seems to me that nothing will do to control it. I have panic attacks when I can't find something and OCD has gotten worse over time. I find that I am not patient whatsoever. I am afraid to have children because of my angry outbursts, and I'm at a loss as to what I need to do to get help. My resources are limited. I have no insurance, like many Americans. I know that there are free, or nearly free programs to help out, but I have gone to some of these therapy sessions and I feel as if they don't help. I don't want to feel this way anymore, as it is depressing me further. I want to be someone in life and live a normal, and somewhat happy life some day. All I need is for people to listen to me and give me well-thought out advice and support. I have pushed many people away, as I come off as a b-i-t-c-h most of the time. Perhaps I should have blogged this instead, but I'm just reaching out for help. Suicide is not in my head at all. I don't believe in it. Just a little caring from people with the same issues as me.

(((((((BlueHoney)))))))

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I'm feeling really blah so I don't have any advice right now. But I'll be thinking of you. Blue

Hi Blue honey ,

I am so sorry you are feeling isloated . I have read your posts and you don't seem to be having any medication , mood swings can be stabilised by appropriate medication , there are many members who find their lives change dramaticaly once stabilised by appropriate medical treatment , this coupled with therapy sessions can help you to alter the pattern of your life .

I understand how weary you must feel battling with and against yourself , there will be a time when you will be your own best friend , why not take the first step by going to see a doctor to talk about the medication options available .

Tell us how you get on , I am sure there are appropriate medical plans to help you, for persons in your situation .

sending hugs Hedge

((((Hello Bluehoney)))), I Like that name. Very interesting.

I am really sorry to hear you feel so bad. Has this been going on for a long time? Do you think you are Bi-Polar, possibly?

I take meds and would rather I didnt. But, when I was so depressed last year after going off them, I would have given anything just to feel like me again. I went to a psychiatrist (after trying my gp who made things worse) and he had me fill out papers to evaluate me. He determined that I was Bi-Polar and OCD. It took him awhile to get the right mix because I had gotten so bad nothing was helping much. Finally, he got the right combo of meds.

I was so grateful, I could have kissed his boots. Finally, I felt happy and normal and me again!!!! I figure if the meds helped, then my chemistry must have needed help. It is definitely worth a couple pills a day!!!

Id be glad to listen. Hope you find the right answer for yourself.

With Best Wishes,

Gentle Sun

Are you currently on any medications? They have helped to stabilize the mood swings we experience. I found that being unmedicated I couldn't control myself and my actions/reactions. Being medicated is a life-long thing for stabilization of this horrid condition. BP really can't be controlled by one self without help.Therapy has also been good to raise self-esteem, make positive changes in myself, learn to love and nurture myself, and get positive feedback to fight back when I'm down. Therapy is hard work on yourself and not easy. Therapists don't give you the answers to your problems only feedback to help you figure things out.

In another one of your posts, you mentioned that anger is usually your response to whatever happens. You may want to read about it in the Psych Ed 101 section further up the menu. You may also want to join an anger management group.
Sheepwoman

I find that a good support sytem can help balance out the mood.

my support system consists of the following :

my DR

My Medications

My support group

my friends

my family

my religion

if i see my doc and take my meds and attend church and my support groups and lean on my friends and family my life balances out .

I have been getting samples of Paxil CR and I have a huge bottle of depakote. I do believe there is a difference between bi-polar and manic-depressive. A big one. I am manic depressive. I take my meds off and on and I catch crap from everyone about it. I have never been good about remembering to take my pills. Even with those little dosing trays with the names of the days on them. I lost a job that I had for a few years last year and have had jobs since, but they dont last very long. My insurance doesnt work anymore and I dont know how long my doc is going to want to keep giving me free samples. I had a break down after about 3 weeks of taking myself off of them abruptly and almost harmed myself badly. I had to call him and make it an emergency situation. I'm almost afraid to take Paxil everyday now. I don't know. I think it is anxiety. I have noticed a change in my anxiety levels in certain situations. I'm at a loss...

Actually bipolar is the newer label for manic-depression, only it has wider variations for different types of manic-depression (BP I, BP II, BP NOS, Etc.)

In order to maintain a balance in mood, it is necessary to stick with a medication routine and take them as prescribed. As you found out, stopping meds abruptly can cause great harm to yourself.

If you have no health insurance to cover your medical and psychiatric care, call your county mental health department. If you qualify, you can get Medicaid or county services, which will also cover medications.
Sheepwoman

Absolutely amazing. This is JUST LIKE ME (except for losing jobs). I also have ruined plenty of legit relationships because of my mood swings and behavior. I often compare it to being on a period even though I am a guy. It is also extremely upsetting to me. I cannot control it. I have these stupid angry outbursts and do not know how to help it. My insurance sucks and it would cost $1500 to see a psychiatrist/psychologist AFTER THE INSURANCE PAYS THEIR PART. I want to have a normal life, too. I have also pushed many people away and come off as a Barsteward most of the time even though a lot of people think I am a really nice guy (oddly enough I am worse to those closer to me and a lot better to those who aren't close to me). I do think I am a genuinely good guy, but I cannot control my anger. However, suicide is in my head and quite a lot. I can't help it...

Am I bipolar? I have yet to figure that out, but I think I am.

Your not alone first off. It's so hard to find help. I tried to find help once that was supposed to be free or pay what you can the guy wouldn't listen to what was bothering me and just kept over medicating me. Found out later he was terrible from my shrink. Hang in there your not alone.

i can understand that you are having a rough time....i don't *like* taking meds but i cannot currently fathom managing my bipolar without meds.

while i'm not suggesting that you "give up," on work, have you considered filing for disability?

also, for support and general bp information....have you tried a local support group?

take care.

Dear BlueHoney, I'm sorry that you live in so much pain! My life is painful, too and I'm struggling to keep the head over the water. I think that you are so right when you say that what you need is support form other people. That's how I feel it, too. I know a lot of people, but very, very few that I can be complete honest with about my suffering. That's why I need these forums so desperately. I'm not formally diagnosed with a bipolar-disorder. My therapist and I both see the mood-fluctuations and the chronic in it, but he will not give me such a stigmatic diagnose as long as he can pick something less stigmatizing. (A lot of people don't fit any diagnose to the fullest, so that's OK for me). The suffering doesn't go away either a diagnosis is given or not. For me it has helped to break all my symptoms into different categories. (Example: From the socialize-category: "Here comes my fear of being rejected again" - Do I have a strategy to cope with it? - If so, how can I cope with this here and now.?)

I think that if you can put aside an hour every evening, to work with your problems (write down, make plans) you are at the right track. To cope with some of the loneliness, it can be smart to try to imagine that there are lots of other people around, sitting at their desks doing exactly the same as you do, trying to make a road to walk on that doesn't lead to destruction. There are about 3 millions Americans with Bipolar and an other 3 millions with Cyclothymia, an everlasting mood-swing disorder with very few "normal" levels. If you can imagine all of these people trying to make their life better, in some way, it becomes more easy to do your own work. You are not alone!

You might find it useful to use self work-books to guide you. Harbinger has a some: "The Depression Workbook", "The Procrastination Workbook", Transforming Anger", Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life", .... and a lot more. A google at Amazon might give you some ideas , too.

Be kind to yourself every time you fall off your self-chosen path and go on with your life! It's not easy to live with a long-lasting disorder! Paul Wider (a bipolar) used about ten years to learn to cope well with his life. And so a lot of people have struggled and do struggle. Remember that there are millions of us all over the world. But there is light in the tunnel! I do believe so! Life can be better even if it doesn't get super! Please remember, everything about you is not bipolar. The so called normals have their bad days, too!

One thing that might be of help when you have your anger more under control is to help other people. It might be children that suffers form hunger. It might be people that have cancer or something else. For the moment it might help you to save two dollars a month and to send them to an humanitarian organization when they have grown to ten dollars. Some places in Africa, a dollar a day is enough to save a child's life for that day. If you give a little and other people give theirs, then, together we save someones life. Our own lives get meaningful because we count ....

From one sufferer to another!

Rosegirl

Blue Honey,
I cant say I know how you feel, but I can relate with alot of what you are saying. Here in the Midwest (and probably everywhere else) there is a shortage of Mental facilities. And when you do have insurance they only usually cover 50% because they are not yet convinced on how serious and real mental illness is. I know it really sucks, but you gotta take your meds everyday in order for them to properly work and make you feel better. My Aunt does this all the time, she starts feeling better then goes off her Prozac. Same result every time...depression sets back in. I would really try to find a system that works for you to help you remember your meds. Also, many anti depressants take up to 4 weeks to even start working. I really hope you feel better, I really do. If you need someone to listen I'm here for you. Stay strong.