Hello there,
I had my first major depressive episode when I was 16 and since then I've plagued by the same for most months of the year. Im turing 21 this month and already moving back into a depressive phase. Although I am currently seeing a therapist and things do seem to get better, my depression seems to be very adamant and hard to deal with. Only until recently my depressive episodes changed completely. I had severe racing thoughts that were devouring my mind and feelings of grandiosity along with them. I felt as though I was not human and that I was destined for things out of this world. Moreover, I had this need to keep working to the point I was almost obsessed with work. I was filled with anger, rage and sadness all at the same time. What really is confusing is that at the same time I had thoughts of suicide and hopelessness running through my mind, I felt painfully high from my ability to connect each and every possible thing in my head that would never stop working. I really wish no one has to ever go through what i went through. This lasted for a good solid 5-6 months until early septemeber this year. Since then Im pretty much normal but I feel like im getting depressed again.

I am really curious to know if anyone had similar experiences? Although, I really dont care if this is bipolar or just plain depression Im just curious to know how to help myself if this were to ever happen again.

I would really like to know what you think.

Thanks,
VS

Hi vanishingstillness, I'm not a professional, but it does sound like bipolar to me. I believe that there is such a thing as "mixed episodes". I would definitely talk to your psychiatrist about this. A mood stablizer could help. Does it lead to impulsive or risky behavior of any sort? I don't believe that it's agitated depression because that usually doesn't manifest in psychosis. I'm unsure whether or not grandeosity would fit with depresssion with psychotic features -- I rather think that it does not.
Iowa

Hi there Iowa
thank you for your timely reply. I must let you know though, that in retrospect although I had an immense amount of stress and anxiety, I felt that I could handle anything. I am definite that I did not experience any hallucinations or any type of psychosis. I did not involve myself in any risky behaviours, although I was obsessed with casual sex. I really don't know why I didn't carry it out. However weird this sounds I think I was able to exercise some control over myself as the racing thoughts would subside in their intensity at some points.

Hi vanishingstillness, There are two types of psychosis, hallucinations and delusions. Feelings of grandeosity is considered a delusion and therefore is a form of psychosis. I'm glad that you were able to control those thoughts. I was thinking that this would be another indication of it being a mixed episode (as well as the racing thoughts).
Iowa

Hi (((((((((((((((((((vanishingstillness)))))))))))))))))))

It is possible to be both depressed and psychotic or only depressed without psychotic symptoms. The same is true for mania. I agree with Iowa who says: " Feelings of grandeosity is considered a delusion and therefore is a form of psychosis". If you are bipolar or something else your therapist need to decide. Please give the information. Know that we are feeling with you and hope for you. Know also that things might get worse when you are near to be better (something in our psyche might deep deep inside be afraid of being better, illogical, but not unusual). We, humans are some strange creatures ............

Best wishes for you!!

Vanishingstillness,

Again, none of on here are professionals, but I am going to agree with what's been stated before; your symptoms sound like text book bipolar disorder. I would call what you had a mixed episode; I dealt with those for a long time before being properly diagnosed. They're nasty; the toughest part of BP for me to deal with for sure. But, there are a lot of effective mood stabilizers out there that are pretty mild; consult a psychiatrist, be honest and go from there.

Hello there Rosegirl and Christianb
Rosegirl, that was quite an interesting comment you made at the end there. That is so true about being afraid to get better because depression can really give you a false sense of comfort.

Im very confused about what I really do have(in terms of a diagnosis) and I did ask my psychologist at the start. She felt that it was useless running around with the whole diagnosis thing as she felt in the end it was all about dealing head on with the problem. I do agree with her way of looking at things, however there seems to be a part of me that would really like to know. Im still unsure about whether this is really bipolar as I've never really had any pure episodes of just hypomania or mania. All ive had is depression and a recently new variation involving some symptoms that could be considered slightly manic.

Currently, I seem to have quite a few swings in my mood that are getting a little hard to deal with. It seems like I just can never deal with any stress and when I am stressed, I become very depressed and have suicidal thoughts. I may be depressed for a few hours and then I seem to resume normal mood after a while. These depressive hours can be very intense. This is new behaviour and I seem to be quite astonished. Do any of you out there have similar experiences?

I really appreciate all of your support guys.

This post has been edited by vanishingstillness: Nov 8 2009, 08:49 PM

Hi again. It would be very helpful to talk to a psychiatrist who can prescribe a mood stabilizer. Often for therapy the issue of bipolar vs depression is not necessary. It's just that medications could be helpful.
Iowa

I agree with iowa, Vanishingstillness. The diagnosis isn't as important as having the symptoms controlled. I have not been diagnosed with Bipolar, yet, but I am on a mood stabilizer. I have only been on this for two weeks now and have noticed an improvement in my moods. I was experiencing mainly anger and irritation(and reckless spending), yet could cry at the drop of a hat! I suspected I could be Bipolar, when I read that you didn't have to be euphoric in order to have hypomania. So, I was prepared to ask for a mood stabilizer from the Psychiatrist when I saw her and she agreed to it because of the anger issues I was having. I still would like a correct diagnosis, but to me I'd much rather have my emotions under control. Good luck to you! :)

Hi again, (((Vanishingstillness)))

I still agree with Iowa: diagnosis isn't so important for the sake of therapy.

Europe and US have one manual each for diagnosing mental illness. These two manuals do not agree on everything. That means that the scientists who have studied how to categorize mental disorders still is not in agreement all over the world about what symptoms that shall belong to this or that diagnose. Something to think about......

For some it might give some sense of security feeling they know what diagnose they have: "This is me with this illness". For others it's OK to say to themselves: "I am me and I do suffer from problems with my mental health".

Diagnosis is necessary for the insurance companies. They want a diagnose, not the diagnose!!

Mood-stabillizators might be prescribed to people who suffer from instability in mood, what ever diagnose they might have been given if the therapist think it might be of benefit for the one who suffer from the symptoms. So take a good talk with your therapist. THUMBS UP!!

Best wishes

This post has been edited by Rosegirl: Nov 9 2009, 05:27 AM

That's almost exactly how I was when I had my mixed episode. I was angry, sad, suicidal, extremely high energy (cycled 20 hard miles every day for 2 weeks, then the gym every day), felt supernatural, insightful, repeated fast phrases/lyrics, as if I was destined for a great but secret future, obsessed with conspiracy theories, elated at having the insight that nobody else had, planning ways to commit suicide, risky behaviour (fast driving), high sex drive, twitchy, ready for a fight. All at once.
All in all an awful, confusing time. I took Epilim for a while as I didn't want lithium due to the multiple blood tests I needed. Epilim helped, but I was a zombie. Since that episode, things have never been as bad, but I still have times where I am up and down. It seems asif the Epilim did help me though.
Take care
-JJ