((((alicia)))) My heart goes out to you honey!! I think part of your obsession is that you are trying to "make sense" out of something that just possibly doesn't make sense at all and boy have I been there! After my Husband left I would think obsessively about things as if I could somehow "Figure out what happened" and fix it or prevent it from ever happening again. It's like a train wreck in your head and heart that you just can't seem to look away from. I was in therapy and on med's and that helped me a lot but time had to do a lot as well. I also tried to think of things to distract me. Unfortunately one of them was shopping and I recomend only taking a certain amount of money and when you spend it just go home beacuse when I hurt buying things for "me" (even lots of little things) was like a drug that made me feel better for a little bit. Even buying things for someone else felt good!! Reading was good because it captures your thoughts if you can get into it! Walking and going for coffee with a friend also helped. Also, I got a new puppy and every time I'd start to sit and obsess she'd be into something or chewing on my fingers and wanting attention and she was a blessing to me!! She would be so much fun to watch when she was playing with something even as silly as her reflection in the sliding glass door! I can see her now growling and barking and jumping at herself! I also thought about how much time I spent catering to him and I had to remind myself what my interests were as a person all by myself. I actually made a list! If you ever need to PM me please feel free sweetie and I wish you the very best because you deserve it and you are WORTH IT!!!! XOXOXO Love Pearly

This post has been edited by pearlseeker: Feb 26 2009, 12:22 AM

Wow...sounds to me like you need to get rid of the husband no matter how much it hurts or how much you THINK you love him..sounds to me he is bringing you down and sounds like he sure doesnt give a flying F*** either. U can do better and there is someone that will want to be with u 100% and treat u like u DESERVE to be treated...tell him to go fly a kite and get gone...hell I dont know where u live but I will come pack his s***. i will admit i did that with my ex fiance whom met a 17yo and decieded he was in love with her..he 27, off of world of warcraft and i packed my stuff and left but i tapered myself off from checking. If you have the montary means go buy the book "he's just not into you" it has changed my mind about men totally! but with marriage i know thats hard b ut its sounds to me like he has some major underlying issues with sex addiction...if u have kids..not to make u paranoid..i hoep he doesnt touch them or anything.

Thanks for the reply. I definitely think I am trying to make sense out of it. I just keep wondering has this been going on the whole time? I have been trying to some reading. I went to the library today and checked out a bunch of books about going through divorce. It's funny a few months ago when we were going to counseling I was reading through piles of books on how to save your relationship lol. A lot of good that did me.

It's probably a blessing that I chopped up my credit cards not too long ago. I can shop and shop when I am feeling down.

Thanks :) I'll see if they have that book at the library.

Hey Alicia,
That's a sad story and really tough on you. I agree with Pearlseeker that all that checking is you trying to make sense of some very crazy stuff. What's happend has got you questioning so much including your own judgement and sense of reality over the years. That's the hardest stuff of all for us to question. Not surprised you're floundering around, I would be in your position.
Hang on in there. Stay away from the shops like Pearlseeker suggested. Find distractions. I recently took up oil painting to help with my depression and I find I lose myself for hours with it. I'm not much use but I don't care. I just love sploshing around with the colours and feeling like a kid again. Be cool if you could find something like that right now.
Anyway, thinking of you,
Elise x

This is quite common when a relationship is breaking up. My friend did exactly this: called her soon to be ex at all hours of the night, then put the phone down: if the girlfriend picked up, she shouted at her: wanted to know the ins and outs so that she could dwell on what he was doing with the GF. It's a kind of the brain working through hurt, despair, anger .......... it will pass. However I would not encourage anyone to look at their partner's computer details, that should be COMPLETELY private but that is my opinion: if my husband opened my snail mail I would divorce him, that is my space and nothing to do with him. He doesn't own me, my thought patterns, what I spend etc..

Begin by taking care of YOU! Gradually letting go. Relationship break-up is the same categorary as bereavement.

Wow Alicia. I don't know what to say to all that, I am lucky to not have experienced that myself and I don't feel I have the right, therefore, to give you the generic "I'm sorry" and all that. Just know, respect from rafc, and keep your head up.

I have a strange feeling, however, that you are going to come out stronger from this. Find someone you not only want, but deserve, and who in turn deserves you. I think a lot of your checking is mild OCD and you should be seeking medication as well as therapy if you're not already. In my business I come across girls like you, a lot of them divorced/separated, most of the time unappreciated. It's time to get up off that computer, break away from a relationship that is far less than you deserve, take time to care for yourSELF in the form of doctors and therapists, and emerge a stronger, better, more steadfast woman, now ready to find friendships and relationships which you DO deserve, which ARE good enough for you, which indeed enhance your life, NOT detract from it. I believe you can do this, Alicia. I believe. Now go.

Thanks for all the replies. I will never be able to express how much everyone on this site has helped, not just in this thread.

The stress and sleep deprivation of the last few weeks has really caught up with me. I broke out with cold sores all around my mouth, got strep throat, and spent the past weekend completely miserable. I don't know what it was...but something just clicked in my head the other night. I'm not going to do this to myself. I don't have to worry about him anymore. He can be someone else's problem, but not mine. I'm feeling a lot better physically today, but even better I just feel emotionally lighter.

I guess I was just trying to make sense out of it all. I have more important things to worry about, and I'm going to leave it in the past.

I don't know if it's these antibiotics or what but I feel downright giddy. I feel like throwing a party or something. Maybe i'll save that for after the divorce lol.

Can I be first through the door at your Divorce Party ;-). You are not alone in your thought patterns or actions having been left ....... but is any man worth the anquish? Worth the lost sleep? The cold sores [did you get these from him? ] are a sign of being run-down with low resistance. Little steps. It takes a long while to let go of any friendship and a long while to accept that however you pursue him he won't be coming back. Eventually you will get to the point when you wouldn't take him back if he returned on bended knees ;-).

Cold sores are one thing i can't blame on him lol. I got them when I was a kid by drinking after my mom.

I wouldn't take him back for anything. Just got back from the lawyer a few hours ago. Guess that's why I found the urge to check up on him still so weird. But whatever it was seems to have passed, thankfully.

How are you today?

This doesn't really have to do with your checking, but if I could offer you any advice... I would tell you to think of all the good things that have come out of your marriage and see if there is anything left to salvage. People resort to divorce so easily that they don't take the time to perhaps give a second chance to the other person and sit down and figure out what can be done. It sounds to me like your husband just has a unhealthy internet obsession. Maybe he just really got caught up in the fantasy world of the internet and needs help. The way you wrote it, it sounds like he never acted on anything and perhaps there is a reason for that (other than being afraid of the consequences of what you might say/do). And also, if you have a child with the man take that into consideration. I have personally seen the pain and sometimes damage that divorce does to kids even if it's not fully realized. Everybody in the United States is so in a hurry to just run away from their problems and the divorce statistics are so incredibly high here that it's just mind blowing and makes me think people don't understand what goes into a marriage.

I'm not here to lecture you or anything but i'm a 22 year old male myself and plan on getting married myself and have always wanted to since I was growing up. I was raised here in the states, but was born in Hungary and was taught the values and manners my parents were taught which are really in short supply here in the US. Don't just be another statistic... you two got married for a reason and granted there are times where things seem very hard and impossible, but most of the time it's worth it in the end. Some people can become so bitter from some things that they can't see the real light of the situation. However, of course some things are not fixable and there is no other answer other than divorce, but I would personally feel better if I knew that i did EVERYTHING I could to remedy the situation no matter what it is.

Anyway, as far as your checking goes it might be OCD however it would be understandable even if you didn't have OCD why you would be checking his computer. Your trust in him as been damaged and you are perhaps trying to understand the debacle you are in. Idk... i'm not psych. But if you have a therapist which you should for OCD, then bring it up to him/her.

Greetings Alicia!! If I may, hugs to you hun!! {{{{{{ Alicia }}}}}} I love the attitude you have developed. It is not that easy to come to the conclusions you have. Please keep posting as you are working through this. Not just the down days, but the days that you feel like celebrating too. I had to chuckle at a memory triggered from the above quote. My girfriend did throw me a divorce party the day it became final. The cake had a picture of a woman sitting on a toilet and the caption read "Congratulations for dropping your load". My ex was extremely upset that he was not invited to the party. Today I can smile about it. At the time I was touched by her gesture, but was still mourning the loss of the good times I did share with my ex. (soft smile) You just keep on feeling giddy!! (warm smile)

Elise ~ I love how you would allow yourself to get lost in your painting. I let the child within me colour with pastels every so often. Or will lose myself in a program I have for creating images and animations. The little girl in me really enjoys when I let her take over for a while. The adult in me loves the break. (soft smile)

Hugs ~ Angel