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I’m not suicidal; I just feel so empty. I cannot physically concentrate on my school work anymore. I can’t even read. I’ve always been quite independent, and even though I do have quite a large group of friends that I’m very thankful for, I guess in many ways I could be considered a loner. But now my mind is working against me more than ever, and when I’m on my own now I just feel so scared and insecure. I think I’ve come to associate doing work and being on my own with feeling pain, and now my brain just refuses to function or let me concentrate. Even though I’m craving attention from other people, I think I just keep on pushing my friends away. I inadvertently take my frustrations and self-loathing out on them and I just can’t stop myself. My mind isn’t even letting me make connections or articulate sentences properly anymore, which is why this post is so poorly written. I don’t know what to do, because school is just getting serious this term. I have an assignment coming up that counts towards my OP result (which will determine what university courses I can get into) and I just can’t find the will power to focus on my work. Sitting down and forcing myself to do it worked in the past, but it no longer does. I think existing is better than not existing, but only by a slight margin. I’m afraid that if I start forcing myself back into my work I’m just going to end up feeling suicidal as I have at so many times in the past. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing work and feeling pain. I have no motivation anymore and I’ve just lost and forgotten all my goals. Even my sex drive has been absent for the past several months. Even though I’m not currently planning to end mine, life just feels so pointless, and I don’t think I can ever be happy no matter what I achieve.
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