I'm not trying to be a party-pooper here....but I've never been able to "free" myself from all the emotions associated with my depression. It waxes and wanes, but its never gone. I've accepted it as part of me.

With this being said, I think high school, college, and then going back for my masters have all been a saving grace. I need to keep fighting and moving forward, or else I will be eaten a live by my thoughts, anxieties, and perceptions that are not real. So even though it is difficult, I do believe people with depression can hold successful lives. So keep achieving, you will get there some day. Don't give up!

I seem to be roughly at the same point, or at a slightly better stage than you.
For me its close to 18 months since the depression hit me, and about 6 or 8 months since the mirtazapine led to a major improvement. Although i am so much better than the despairing crisis point i was at before the effective meds kicked in, there are still aspects which haven't gone anywhere near back to the pre depression life.
I still find it very difficult to rouse up any passion for anything, and interest in what used to fascinate me comes and goes. I can have some really good days with friends which i genuinely enjoy, but my 'baseline' state is so much lower than it used to be. I can rarely experience joy and not much really entertains me anymore.
As far as study/job success goes, i managed to get myself through the final year of uni with only an average performance but managed to get the job i have always wanted. I fear that my cognitive powers have substantially declined, and am very much worried about what will happen if the depression becomes acute again.

So my story seems to largely reflect yours. These changes seem and feel permanent. There is cause for optimism, as it is quite possible that the depression will completely lift unexpectably, just as it was quite a surprise when it emerged. However, it does seem likely that everything will not return to how it was pre-depression.

I also have similar problems with my stomach. Ever since the depression emerged, i've had irritable bowel syndrome and stomach problems. My problems seem less severe than what you are describing, but the problems haven't gone away.

As far as existential problems go, i've left the despairing stage that i was in but have not gained/regained much in the way of certainty or meaning. One hopes that the experience with existential depression and the associated questioning will lead to some wisdom and ability to find meaning, although increasing uncertaining seems to be the norm for me.

So, i'm sorry that there isn't much good news for you out of my experience. The depression will probably never dissapear, although it can get so much better than the worst points. One needs to manage it as best as they can, and your comments seem to indicate that you are managing it well.

I'll also point out that there is a selection problem in asking that question on this forum. Anyone who has managed to break free of depression completely and return to their pre-depression life probably does not keep coming to a forum for depressed people. So you are unlikely to get many responses from people who have recovered completely. However, that dosen't mean that those people don't exist in the wider world and hopefully they are out there and living happy, interesting lives.

Dear Dave!!!


Well sometimes that happens. It's your journey and nobody can give you a blue-print about how to solve it. You don't have to solve all problems at once, you know! But perhaps you have to grieve that the depression happened to you. To grieve means to feel the sorrow and the anger. When the grief is over, maybe then it's the time to ask yourself if you believe or not. If you are angry at God because this happened, tell him!


It helps me to use sour milk-products which contains LGG. That stabilize my stomach.




Well, what is the point of making money or anything else? What is the point about a flower growing up of the earth, a fish swimming in the sea, a kitten taking its first steps etc ? The point is that you are alive , Dave. Making money will make your life a bit more easy. You can, as an example, buy for your vacation and get new experiences to deal with others. You can make a difference in the world if you by the money you have earned help a starving child in a war-zone. There are a lots of humanitarian organization that will embrace you if you give them only 1/2 % of your income. You break your chains by educating yourself about depression and how to live with it. As long as you won't accept your depression, you are it's prisoner. Do a search at Google or at Amazon .......



I don't see it as phases! I see it as parts of being depressive. We have to learn the triggers (the red inside flags) and try to prevent. Yes, I have had a former period, years ago, were I doubted my faith, but God helped in the long run. Yes, I have had and still can have periods struggling with if it's worth it or not.

Believe me it's worth it: Life can have so many positive moments, that all the struggles is worth only one such moment!

God luck, Dave!

Rosegirl

You have taken steps to help you with your depression. Granted, medications cannot solve it totally, but they can make life more bearable while you heal. A touch of therapy may help you to work out issues that maybe contributing to your depression. Unfortunately, relapses do occur even while medicated. I have severe chronic depression that never totally goes away. It just hangs around at a low level stage. I enjoy the good days and experience them fully.

Stressors play a large part in depression. The competition for grades in college, getting papers and assignments in on time and exams are all stressors at that level. Life will also have its stressors as you branch out into the work force, make new friends and settle into long-term relationships. To adjust to everything, we need to build coping skills for daily life. This is where therapy may be useful for you.

It's also true that when members here have recovered sufficiently from their depression, they move on and live fuller lives. We view them as success stories. Some do come back and share their experiences and what helped them regain "normalcy." And some come back because they have relapsed and need our support again. I hope that you will continue posting and let us know how you are doing.
Sheepwoman