hey yall,

i have been gone for a while. i had mono (yep, the "kissing virus" but i did not get it from kissing...some other boring way, like eating after someone or something!).

anyway, i have been asleep for 2 months...it has been really, really, really awful.

at first, my Psych doctor thought it might be depression (since i had experienced a severe mania feb-april) but eventually, she did a mono test, because the symptoms were not lining up with depression...and i was so completely exhausted....

so, that is the background. i am just finally starting to wake up, as of a week ago. now, i have some changes in life going on (new job + mono has not been a cake walk). i have some painful stuff with my mother right now. financial stress from the hospitalizations (this is a big stressor).

but, it was like, all of a sudden, one day....i could not think and i felt like i was in a tunnel...it was like panic attack time 5067209859285908430%

well, preceding that.....i had been crying all day....so, i was suspicious that something was about to happen. granted, i was crying over appropriate issues....but, i am learning that when i get weepy, it seems that is like the thunder before the storm (re: suicidal depression).

so, the crying. then i got home from work....that night. it just happened...i was so confused, and sweating and i felt like i was in a tunnel...and for the first time in my life, i had the strongest urge to cut. (i am not a cutter)...but, i kept thinking that would release pressure.

then, it was like a black cloud encased me and all i could think of was suicide and that i could not go thru this cycle again.

i got help. i am getting stabled out now....but, i have been having very vivid visual and auditory hallucinations.

i am just confused by what is happening.

i guess i am in a bipolar depression? i got a pretty good grasp on bipolar mania last year, since i kind of camped out there!

but, i thought that depression had to follow mania....i have not been manic recently. i have been quite steady.

can this severe episode be triggered by the life stressors i mentioned? is that why they call it bipolar disorder, because i/we don't respond "normally" to the stress of life????

thanks for feedback,
catching

CAB,

Sorry to hear you have had an extremely tough time lately...i dont know what to suggest or say.
Its going to take time to get back on your feet and adapt to what has happened. Sounds like a mix of bi-polar and what you have recently been through is making you have these thoughts/feelings.

See i dont know what to say but wanted to give you my regards...
SO6

Depression does not always follow a manic period. There are often times feelings of "normalcy" afterwards, especially when we have the right med combo on board. I think with your illness that the depression you may have is precipitated by it. Having to stay in bed with a physical illness is so much different than wanting to stay in bed because of depression. The former we have no control over as it is necessary to heal the body. The latter is something that is dictated to us by depression and we do have control over that.

I am glad to hear that you obtained help when you were suicidal or just having the thoughts. You took the necessary step to help yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back. I don't cut so I am unfamiliar with that pattern of thinking or of wanting to do any self abuse. I wouldn't know what to say about cutting other than try to tell you not to do so.

I hope that you are beginning to feel better and will keep us informed of your progress.
Sheepwoman

Bipolar depression can be triggered by life events. I'm sliding back down now after returning to work. We, by nature, don't have the best grasp on our emotions, and we can be very well medicated. The mono certainly didn't help.

I hope you feel better every day.

hi yall,

thank you so much for your replies. this is rough....

friday night, was just plain scary....the visual and auditory hallucinations. i was not as suicidal as i had been thursday night, but i was upset and confused by what was happening.

saturday, things got better in that the hallucinations stopped. i stopped seeing the faces everywhere i looked. (yeah, i have gotten to where i can tell that they are not a positive indicator)....

i stayed with friends most of the weekend. but my energy level is really low. my heart feels like it is crying.
i am not crying---which is good...i was crying, last week, and that was a bad place.

right now, they increased my lexapro to 20 mg. i am guessing that my doctor will want to draw my lithium level this week.

i am just so completely confused by how i could just drop into depression like this. but, at the same time, i spiralled into mania last year....? maybe it is the same thing?

and, as yall read, i was just under a ton of pressure with the mono + new job (and then a few other things)....like, i kept thinking "i can't keep going"....so, maybe my mood broke?

it is embarrassing. there is a guy i was casually dating. he knew i am bipolar, but we had not talked at length (yet) about hallucinations, suicide, all that...i mean, the timing had not been appropriate, and i did not foresee depression on the horizon.

you can only imagine how freaked out he is, to have seen normal cute girl, turn into suicidal/hallucinating psychotic person that had to have all sharp objects locked out of reach or she would be committed to the psych h'tal.

needless to say, he never checked back up on me. which is fine, in the long run...but, for this very minute, my pride is hurt....i am like....well, you can imagine....but, when you drop to extreme mania or extreme depression, something in your brain stops working and you can't communicate so well.

oh well, i guess it gives him a funny story to tell his friends (ugh).

i am just trying so hard to believe that this crying in my heart is going to stop. and, then i am worried about the side effects of going up to 20 mg from 10 mg of lexapro....anyone had good experience w/ that?

thanks for your time,
Catching

The other side (depression) of BP can be the scariest part, especially after a period without mania. When we drop into that hole, we sometimes believe it will never go away. I don't think the increased dose of Lexapro will hurt you. However, if you begin to have side effects, contact your pdoc. He/she will know what to do. Testing your lithium level is not a bad idea, either. You may need a bit higher dose to maintain a therapeutic level in your system. I know that you had hallucinations in the past, you may want to ask your pdoc if there is anything that can be done to allieviate them. Remember, the depression will pass. You need to work at getting a positive attitude back.
Sheepwoman

You are certainly facing a lot of stressors right now, so it doesn't surprise me that you have slipped into depression. This kind of thing has happened to me so many times that I have lost count. There have been many times where I have gone to bed feeling fine and awakened to a serious depression. So, know that you are not alone.

I hope you feel better soon.

CAB,

Sorry to hear this hun!! I have FINALLY pulled out of it for the 4th time this year...........(2006 has NOT been good to me!)..........but not without some damage done!!! I am weathered, tattered & torn! I am soooo tired from the first half of this year. I hope I can stay good for the 2nd half so I can have some time of "wellness" for a while!!

Anyway...........glad to hear the hallucinations are going away. I don't get hallucinations (visual or auditory) nor do I have cut issues, but I've certainly been to the point where you wonder how much longer you can tolerate it all. Fortunately, for you, it sounds as though you're STILL (even despite all you've been thru) able to think *around* this monster!! You are doing well in that regard!! Reading your post sounds like someone who (regardless of how bad you FELT) is definitely able to think thru/around/over/under this monster and self-talk intelligently!! That's great!!! You have earned a medal of honor that no one can take from you!! IMHO, that's HUGE!!! (Sure it sucks when we're "in the throws", but like I said, you're head & shoulders above it & able to think it out!)


Secondly............don't sweat the increased Lexapro!! In fact, I'm actually a bit surprised you're only on 10mg. (I guess I'm assuming you're on 10?) but whether you're on 10 or 15, doesn't matter. Go to the 20mg dosage...........you'll be glad you did!!

***IF*** you have any issues with increased side effects, please try to ride them out. If you're doing fine on 10mg, you'll be fine on 20mg even if it takes a little time to overcome any side effects. I'm on 30mg right now and literally have no side effects that I can speak of. It's just a matter of 'gettting there'. (I'd say I wasn't feeling any different within a week of going from 20mg to 30mg).

And remember........................YOU'RE GONNA GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and P.S. about the boyfriend thing.............you don't want a guy who will freak out about this stuff anyway. You'll eventually find someone who *loves* you for who you are!! And then you will know the BEST kind of love!!! They'll know that depression isn't you, it's just a 'visitor' that cramps your life once in a while. The *real* you is the one they'll love and be able to see thru to no matter WHAT you're going thru!!!

Aw CAB!

I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you lately. I'm glad to hear though that your docs have a plan and that you were able to keep yourself safe.

As for the guy--I know it's much easier said than done, but try not to worry about it. I doubt he thought it was funny. It's more likely that he was frightened because he didn't know how to help you. In my experience, men have an even harder time than women do when they can't figure out how to be useful. He may not have contacted you because he is embarrassed that he basically ran away.

And you ARE a cute normal girl!! We've ALL got our challenges, even if others don't always share them with us.

Glad to hear from you.

KA

hey everyone,

wow....your replies are all so kind and thoughtful. SC, i can't believe that you sometimes go to bed fine and then wake up in deep depression...but, i appreciate you sharing that with me because it sort of helped explained what happened to me.

dooin' it, your message is so encouraging. thank you. i appreciate the time you took to make it sound like i am still cognizant, at a time when i am doubting my own intelligibility.

KA, SW you both always offer such soothing, wise words.

Surg, and Slipping......thank you!

i am hanging in here....i will be glad to shake this thing.

Catching

Hang in there with both hands. We know that you will make it through this difficult time. I hope the increased dose of Lexapro will help turn that corner and you will feel better soon.
Sheepwoman

Yeah, CAB. Sometimes I tend to cycle very rapidly and it seems like that is getting worse as time goes by. Btw, I have auditory hallucinations almost constantly. Actually I hate the word hallucination because it implies that what I experience is not real when it is damned well real in my world. The medication I am taking now for it is the best one I have tried to this point, but I still hear the voices though it is nothing compared to what I experience off the meds. I kinda keep this to myself because I know I can't handle the side-effects of a larger dosage.

thanks yall....i need your encouragement right now....it means so much to me to read what you are writing. to know that you have been through this too...

i feel like i am still stumbling thru what it means to be bipolar. i don't like this part.

CAB,

I can relate all too well. I slipped backwards into a depression about 2-3 weeks ago I think it was, it has been especially nasty. I'm still not 100% but am feeling a lot better now...now I'm just mixed. I thought I'd never shake the depression but it always seems to get better when it does happen...here's to hoping you feel better soon.

This post has been edited by Epic: Jul 18 2006, 12:11 PM

hey epic, thanks for sharing...how did you get out? any tricks??