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Hi there and ty for this article I have two boys 7 and 9 both have been diagnosed with ADHD and Bi-Polar disorder. I am having some really big problems right now with them and there effect on me and that affecting our marriage. It has left me depressed and considering outside and/or alternative placement temporarley for the children until i get a grasp and or can find some sound help. I love my boys to death I do but right now my heart is broken and my spirit and sole have been beating to shredds and I see no light at the end of the tunnel and I hate getting up more and more daily. TY for giving me someplace to let it all out.

Welcome to DF, Mazzy!

Wow!  2 boys with ADHD as well as bi-polar...you surely do have your hands full!  I can see how that would be a strain on you, your husband, and your marriage.  Personally, I think it is a priority to keep your marriage strong - that is what your sons need to see as well - so, hard as it is, I can understand you perhaps placing them elsewhere for a time.  If you end up placing them outside your home for a while, DO NOT feel guilty.  If that happens, it is ultimately for their best interests.

If your boys have been diagnosed, I assume you are getting some sort of psychiatric help.  Are you also getting help for yourself?  If you are depressed (understandable!) you may need medication and certainly you and your whole family need counseling!  I hope that you will look into that, and that your husband will also be involved.

In my state there are community mental health clinics that provide both psychiatric and psychological help on a sliding fee scale based on income.  We also have an organization called (I believe) Children's Mental Health Association of Michigan, which provides respite care for families dealing with their kids mental health problems.  Often, trained caregivers come into the home so that you and/or your hubby can get some time away.  Sometimes, the respite caregivers keep the children at their homes for a weekend.  Of course, if longer care is needed there is the possibility of foster care.  Again, whatever you choose to do is being done for the good of your entire family.  There is no stigma to "putting your kids away" when the entire goal is to get your family stable and back together again.

Mazzy, you feel free to post here all you want.  There is plenty of support.  Believe it or not, you truly are not alone.  Most every member here is dealing with depression, and some of us also have other mental problems, children with mental problems, etc.  I know of at least one other mother who has posted in this room whose story sounds very similar to yours.  So, if it helps any, you really aren't alone!

Is there a support group in your area for moms in your situation?  If you contact local therapists, hospitals, and/or crisis intervention phone lines you may find plenty of practical support nearby.  Don't give up, and keep sharing with us.  You will make it, and your boys will too!  You are obviously a caring, loving mother.  Your sons will benefit from your concern.  Keep doing what you know is best - get help, and talk to us.  Your life will get better.

(((((Mazzy)))))

Karen

Hi...My name is Andrea. I am a stay at home mom to 3 wonderful, but trying children. My two older children ages 9 & 7 have been diagnosed with ADHD, and my 2 year old is currently awaiting an evaluation. He is currently going to be evaluated for austim and ADHD. He is also going to see a cranio-sacral (sp?) specialist. They aren't sure what is wrong with him, and really he's still a bit young to correctly diagnose. He's a wonderful child most of the time, but he has this other side about him that is scary, angry and full of rage. It's sad to say, but I often wonder what life is going to be like when he's older and stronger. Right now, I can hold him tight and try to comfort him through the outburst even though he's often violent and resistant to the comfort, but I'm scared about when he's 6 or 7. I am currently undergoing my own therapy for depression and panic/anxiety attacks so taking on all this alone isn't easy. My husband is helpful when he's around, but he works 2 jobs and goes to school. He's often not home until after 10:30 most nights and he leaves before anyone wakes up. Well, thanks for letting me get that out.

Dear Andrea,

I replied to a post of yours in another thread; hopefully you've seen that as well as the posts from other members here.

Reading your intro in this thread...wow!  You have your hands full!  It does sound like you are seeking good professional support.  Keep at that, and if needed get second and third opinions.  Science is learning more about mental health all the time; hopefully there will be better help for you and your children soon.

You could probably use some respite help.  You might want to ask your health-care folks if there is some assistance available so you can get a break even for a few hours a week.  Or maybe you could get a friend of family member to help you with that.  I wonder, too, if there are any support groups for parents of MI/ED children in your area.  I bet you would love to have some adult conversation time, with your hubby away so much!  

We are glad you are here.  Look around and get to know our members.  There are some wonderful, supportive folks here.  Good luck to you, and keep posting!

Karen

Not sure where to begin.....just to unLoad my mind ...i'm not on medication...don't think medication helps..tried it once...but wht vexed me earlier still vexes me now..so i don't know how to handle it....maybe if u could guide me a bit

TheLastBurden,

Welcome to DF! If you are here mostly to get info to help yourself with depression, you may find more help in the Depression Central room, or in any of the rooms that fit what you struggle with.

In this room we generally talk about our children who have problems with depression or related issues, or how it feels to be children of depressed people. Do you have kids that you are worried about or have questions about? Feel free to come out and ask right here. Otherwise, you might want to read through and post in one of the other rooms.

Karen

Hi, I'm new. I actually don't suffer from depression but my mother does and her behaviour is setting me up perfectly to join her. It's complicated story but I hope you'll read on and give me some advice.
I'm a young male and I've finished college and gotten my 1st job. My family (I have one brother) moved from Asia when I was a baby to Ireland. We were raised by mother while my father went to work. When I was 12 my father died of cancer. My mother took it very hard and it was a very difficult situation. She was in a foreign country, had no family, few friends, no job and had 2 raise two teenagers. Fortunately we had the mortgage paid off and my father had planned well when he was sick so we never went hungry and my mum managed doing part time work and minding us. She was deeply unhappy but she kept going for us.
The true problem in her depression is only starting to develop now. My brother and I don't need her to look after us anymore. She has lost the thing that kept her going. Even worse she is bitter and hateful towards us because she "gave up" her life for us. She hates living in this foreign country but stayed for us. I don't want to seem ungrateful but I don't know what I can give back. My mother has no hobbies, no interests, almost no friends. She almost impossible to talk to because she is so engrossed in her self pity that any conversation will be steered back towards how her life is horrible. The fact that she is a widow makes it very hard for her to keep/start/maintain friendships because a lot of people are wary that she is "out to steal their husbands" (this may seem extreme, but any widows out there know what I mean).
We're now stuck in vicious circle. My mother is hateful towards me because I don't need her and in return I want to get away from her even further which makes her hate me even more. She feels that we are ungrateful towards her "sacrifice" but by the same token I make many sacrifices so that I spend more time with her (even when I just shouted at). I've tried to convince her to go to counseller but she is convinced that such things are for schizophreniacs and insane people (she was raised by her grandparents so she has many old fashioned views).
I really don't know what to do. In the end she can only help herself but the way she is so hateful and mean sometimes I just wish I could cut her out of my life. What would the good son do? I've tried listening and helping but its either been useless or just unthanked. I thought it might be a good idea for her to move back to Asia but I don't think she'll be able to leave us after focusing her life solely on my brother and I. I love my mother, she has given a lot to me of which I'm very grateful but we need to find ways of happy independent lives which we can share with each other. At the moment I feel like whenever I'm with her, her mood becomes my mood because she complains and depresses everyone.

{{{{{tomdublin}}}}}

Wow, what a difficult situation!

I think your first priority needs to be taking care of yourself. It is great (and important) that you try to respect and help your mother, but you need to keep yourself healthy in order to help her.

You might really benefit from some sort of counseling or talk therapy. I am especially concerned because of how your mother is treating you so hatefully. It seems like you need someone to share with and to discuss how this effects you. Also, if you are truly becoming depressed yourself, maybe you should talk to your doctor to see if medication might help you.

Perhaps you can be of help to your mother, but for her more serious problems she is going to have to get professional help. You can't make her feel any certain way, and it is not too likely that you can even discuss feelings with her considering how she is behaving right now. Hopefully you can (when you have a handle on your own feelings) encourage her to get proper help. But the most important thing is that you get and keep yourself healthy.

You will find lots of supportive folks here at DF. Keep sharing, that always helps!

Karen

Thanks for the support.
I'm not concerned about my own health. Perhaps depression is too strong a word to describe my own feelings. It's more unhappiness. Part of the problem is that when I'm not visiting or speaking to my mother I live a very happy life. An easy fix to my unhappiness would be to just stop trying to help her and get on with me own life. I could stop visiting her, change my number and just post her a cheque every so often and ignore her (I have thought these thoughts before and felt horribly guilty doing so). However, I'm not going to consider cutting my mother out of my life just because she has depression.
My true problem is how do you keep someone with depression in your life even when they make you unhappy. Is there someway I can get my mother to see that her depression isn't my fault (or anyones) and she shouldn't take it out on me. I guess its a pretty common problem here: you want to help someone with depression but they are horrible to bear because of their negativity.

strange analogy but i think it describes how i'm feeling; I feel like I'm trying to hug a cactus, I'm hoping that if I hug long or hard enough the spines will fall off and me and the cactus will get along fine but its hard to keeping hugging when it hurts and I could easily just walk away.

This post has been edited by tomdublin: Jan 5 2006, 12:42 PM

Of course not! I was just suggesting that you get counseling or something to help you figure out how to deal with your mother and her depression without it leaving you feeling so guilty and low.



Yes! Many of us deal with this, I think. The only thing I know to do (what helped me in dealing with my own mother when she treats me very negatively) is to learn about what is going on and how to protect yourself. Like you said, while still keeping your relationship with your mother. I got a lot of help with that from my talk therapist/counselor.



I LOVE the analogy! Now to figure out how to keep yourself from getting poked, while still hugging - or at least standing nearby....

Keep reading and posting around the board. You will find plenty of support and ideas to help.

Karen (currently on as administrator)

Thankyou for your help

Welcome, Jamin! Feel free to comment on anything on the board that interests you.

I'm an older parent with a 44-year old son who is talking suicide; he is currently being treated with Cymbalta and Lithium with no positive results. I need help to find someone who can advise me how to help him. He knows he can talk to me and he does - we have a very good, open line of communication but I still feel helpless to prevent his taking his own life. What can I do? Thanks.