hey all my name is jessica! im a newbie and i suffer from depression. i knew i suffered from it yrs ago but never went to the doc. for it! now that i am older i think its hitting me harder!! here lately i have found myself crying over nothing at all...i have alot of mental issues i wouldnt say problems bc on the outside im normal i put on a front out in public. but no one knows how i feel around here. noone knows the thoughts that i think. the things i been thru i have kept these thiings all bottled up for yrs and two days ago i thought you know its time to do something about this problem before it gets worse..so my doc put me on wellbutrin. i have been on it like i said for two days now and im already feelin better i have energy boosts...im in a better mood. i didnt expect nothin for about a month like my doctor had told me. i was on the internet and came across this website. i looked up the med i was on and it took me to the forum room to where i could read positive stories on this medication and i thought WOW! there are ppl oput there who know how i feel and such! i hope that this will make me a better person, spouse, and mother! so far so good i am ecstatic about gettin better and meetin new ppl on here!

Hi lostsoul21,
I'm fresh to these forums also and am new to wellbutrin but unfortunately and old acquaintance of depression. I ignored my depression for too long and self medicated so it is great to read about young people like you that look it straight in the eye and deal with it. That takes guts.
If you have read through these forums then you are probably familiar with the wellbutrin honeymoon effect. Mine lasted about 5 days...great but it faded. On the upside, there seems to be good anecdotal evidence that the drug is going to work for people that get the instant lift, as you have.
Good Luck
Bluespicker

oh yea?! i have not read much about the wellbutrin honeymoon...ill have to surely look that one up! the side affects kinda hold me back a lil but i am still takin the medicine and after reading the forums on here i feel better now then i did at first about the side affects bc there were so much positive things ppl were sayin about WB. and not havin all those side affects. i do have the ringing ears and at its hard for me to sleep. i can sleep but when i wake up its hard for me to go back to sleep. im ready to get better though and be normal.i cant remember when i was ever "normal" maybe when i was a baby. it started so young. me father beat my mom, they divorced. and that was hard. i found out later he wasn't my real dad, and i went looking for my real "dad" and he just was not a good person. then i moved with my mom and her bf at the time...they had some problems which brought me into the middle bc he would hit her and choke her and things and i would step in and you know. i started school and was bullied for being friends with this girl, we ennded up being real close friends and i guess the girl thought i was takin over her "friend" and she told her older sister and they would follow me home from school and push me down and say mean things. i was thirteen at that time. i grew up switching schools which was not good for me. i had a baby at the age of 18 it took away my adolescent years. i was forced to grow up. and i just feel so lost im angry all the time, i cry my bf hates me right now bc the way i have been bc its been so horrible. he says im bi polar i can be happy one minute then my mind will just like wonder off and i start thinkin ok he's doin something behind my back...i dont think he'll be at work sometimes and i hate it!! he says he hates my personality, i do too!! i have no self confidence, no self esteem....i dont wanna be angry to my son..i would never hurt my son intentionally but i dont wanna be angry yell at him i wanna have more patience with him....im sorry this is so long, i just have so much things on my mind! thnx for listening.
lostsoul

Lostsoul,
You may not think much of your self but it takes very much courage to be who you are, and even more to talk about it. That behavior points to strength.
I am a 56 yr old man with grown children and a granddaughter, but it is uncanny the ways that we have experienced the same things. My father was a drunk and bullyed the whole family but I was the only boy so he saved the good stuff for me. To make me tougher.....riiight. What it made was a timid little boy who felt unworthy and unloved. Get this, Lostsoul, I counted it up and I changed schools 9 times in 12 yrs. Friends were kinda rare.
But, here you are, taking the bull by the horns and trying to fix this, and you will. There is no question that you are tough enough cause you have survived some really weird stuff.
When I had my children the abuse stopped at my generation and it sounds like what you feel about your little boy. They are a treasure aren't they.
I'll check back periodically and if you want to talk I can listen. If you write 40 pages I'll read every word. Lostsoul, I have felt desperate and unloved and no one should face that alone.
Hang in ther girl, help is on the way. I really think wellbutrin works.
Kirby

Hey Jessica!

:welcomea:

I am also on Wellbutrin, and am doing very well on it. I hope you have a similar experience!

IT IS SO WEIRD THAT WE HAVE WENT THROUGH SIMALIAR STUFF! I HATED IT SO MUCH! BEING BULLIED TO ME IS THE WORSE...I FELT LIKE WHAT DID I DO YOU KNOW IM NEW HERE AND JUST TRYIN TO MAKE SOME FRIENDS, IT MADE ME TIMID AS YOU SAID....I WAS MADE FUN OF ALSO...IT JUST LOWERED MY SELF ESTEEM MY EVERYTHING.....IM A FIRM BELIEVER IN GOD. MY MOM SAYS TO PRAY YOU ONLY NEED GODS ACCEPTANCE THAT SOUNDS TRUE BUT IM STIL SAD AND DEPRESSED OVER EVERYTHING...I HAD A HARD TIME GOING HOME AND DOIN CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE I HAD NO ENERGY, WHATSOEVER! I HOPE THIS AINT JUST THE HONEY-MOON...I WANT IT TO LAST IM READY TO ACCEPT MYSELF AND LOVE MYSELF..I KNOW I HAVE TO DO BOTH BEFORE ANYONE ELSE CAN ACCEPT ME AND LOVE ME FOR ME!THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE AND TALKIN TO ME IT HELPS OUT!

No, not so weird, Jessica. Where do you imagine a good bit of our depression originates. And it is hard to shake off when you get older like me. That is why it is a positive, very positive, thing to see you deal with these memories now, at your age. Bad memories like ours tend to get their hooks in us if not tended to. And, yes, it was tough to be the skinny lone kid that got ignored or picked on. But when i reached the age and size where I was not safe to pick on I found out that I didn't want to turn around and pick on others. I'll bet you are the same. Other peoples behavior, no matter how bad, won't turn us into them. That, Jessica, is why you can love yourself. You know kindness and that is a good thing.
I'm lazy right now, I can't find much willpower to do anything myself. But I can feel the drug working a little more each day. And it is nice that my family just covers for me. They will have my back as long as I need them. What a lucky man I am, but when I'm in the bad depression I tell myself that I am not worth loving. Sound familiar?
Give that little boy a hug and know that he doesn't just love you...he adores you. And you deserve that.
Have a good evening, Jessica
Kirby

yes! i know that my son really needs me and that is what is makin me pull thru this and wanna do better for myself and him bc i want him to have the best lifestyle you can have not one that i had! switchin schools can really put a toll on you as a younger kid. i am goin to put him in one school and let him go there all thru his education yrs. to me that makes a child pursue and "reach for the stars" be a better person and student. ill be danged if i let him have the kinda life i had as a child. i know they say you can adjust its all in your mind but that differs in ppl. not everyone is the same God made us all unique in our own ways. the past few days (2) days have been rough i still feel/or get angry at my boyfriend. i wanna start a life/family with this man and he says that i need to grow up alot. i know personally i do! its just so hard im makin all these changes tryin to better myself for myself as well as for him and my son you know. He understands, but its when he gets drunk is when he talks me down and brings up my past which stops me in my tracks i cant defend myself bc it is true. but im tryin to change what do i tell him to make him understand what im goin thru and how can i get him to help me too! encourage me. i live with him it would be nice for him to be on my side and better understand. he really dont like to talk much like personal things. he expects everything to fall in place!! what do i do. i love him and it just makes things worse for me when he argues and puts me down! help me!

Jessica,
I've lived for 56 yrs and I haven't found a way yet to change one thing in the past. It is dead and gone. Now, it sounds as if your man could stand a little growing up as well. Thats alright because we all need to do that, not just you or your man.
I believe this, though,..when you forgive yourself for your past, your past will have no more power over you. You haven't done anything that hasn't been done a million times before. No matter what you did, it has all been done before. And 100 times more. The past is dead and gone, Jessica, you let it go to it's rest and pay attention to now.
You are going to be just fine. But if you go to church, you may wish to talk to the minister. Just lay it out for him or her because that is what they are there for.
You'll do fine...just keep on trying to work for the better as you are doing now.
Also, please remember what your low self esteem is trying to hide from you, and that is that you are unique, and precious
because of it. No more of you anywhere. I know that that sounds so trite but it is very true. Don't ever let that out of your mind.
Hang in there, OK?
Kirby

YES! I KNOW HE NEEDS TO GROW UP FOR SURE. I KNOW THAT I HAVE FORGAVE MYSELF FOR MY PAST BUT HE IS THE ONE THAT WONT LET IT GO!! WHEN HE DRINKS HELL JUST SAY STUPID THINGS POPPING OFF SMART REMARKS KNOWING THAT IT WILL HURT ME. HE WONT ACCEPT THE FAT THAT IM TRYING TO MAKE THIS THING WORK BETWEEN US. HE IS 29 AND HE HAS ALOT OF GROWING UP TO DO REALLY IM PREGNANT AND HE PRETTY MUCH COULD CARE LESS...ITS HIS FIRST KID AND HE DONT CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME OR WHETHER OR NOT HE HURTS ME. IT JUST MAKES ME WANNA CRY! MY EYES ARE WATERING UP RIGHT NOW IM SO EMOTIONAL AND IT BREAKS MY HEART AND I FEEL LIKE ILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WIN HIS FULL TRUST BACK...ITS BEEN MONTHS SINCE ANYTHING BAD YOU KNOW BUT HE STILL BRINGS IT UP. IT MAKES ME GO INTO A MENTAL BREAKDOWN I WANNA PULL MY HAIR OUT SCREAM HIT SOMETHING THATS HOW I FEEL. I CARE SO MUCH FOR HIM AND HE DONT UNDERSTAND!