ok, i'll tell you what gets me depressed and stressed out alot..


I'll never know what it'll be like having an older brother and actually spending time with him.. my brother is in a high security hospital, which he may stay there forever, and thinking he was left behind that the family left him behind, i hope he truely doesn't believe that, last time i saw him, he was in prison, we both put are hands on the glass and started to cry: i love you! ;*(. he has mental illness my real father would beat him up as a child, he lost his manhood at age 5 twice in one day by twin brothers.. age 9.. he has his reasons to act out in violence, he had a severe somthing you can get as a child that could really almost kill them, if not, severely damaged in the mind.. he's been raped over like 8 times, i want to avenge his pain.. who says a younger brother can't save an older brother?...

ok, thats 1.. the other thing, people, even my own cousin thinks i'm gay because the way i move my hands in motion as i talk, or how i don't like to wear shirts without the V kneck, the fact i'll wear pink, and wear the cute hoodies women have.. ok, why can't a straight guy be femimine? if being a man means macho and crap, carry football around and put gel in you're hair looking like a backstreet boy, and being incredibly rude to women treating them like crap, or anyone for that matter, and the fact of guys being horndog, then maybe i don't wanna be a guy..


ok, thats 2.. ok, i'm A emo like guy, if i'm unhappy i'll listen to somthing sad, if i'm mad i'll listen to somthing angry, if i'm happy, i'll listen to somthing happy.. ok, the fact is people , my parents won't let me do things like black eye-liner, cool hair style with very long bangs.. they say people who have long bangs or either trouble, or on drugs.. thats horse crap! i'm tired of my mom telling me what to wear, what looks good, what looks bad.. WHO CARES?! i'm 23 for crying out loud! get off my back woman! my fav colors are Red, Black, and mostly Purple.. darker purple even.. she says i'll draw the bad crowd around me, if so if the other people hate it, kiss my butt and kiss the ground, cuz thats where any guy will be if they try to tangle with me.. on the ground, just as pathetic as that one movie with anthony hopkins, the Gurbur baby guy who called the girl Gurbur baby, and swinged his bat at her hard.. i'm glad the main character kid got there to save her, and beat the crap out of the older kid with his own bat.. haha!! i love it when good people win! think that movie was called Hearts in London, or Hearls in London, can't remember..


ok, thats 3.. ok, since i'm not a real big fan of reality, i spend my time roleplaying on second life.. but some people don't know the meaning of roleplay at all.. people get mad at me because i somtimes play as a real upset guy, easily pi**ed off, but its fake.. they take it personal and tell me how to roleplay, i always reply: hey! i've roleplayed even befor i had a computer, and i don't think you can have a right to tell me how to roleplay.. the fact they whine about it, and try making me look bad really gets me upset, because they see me in real life as somone who needs help, thats exactly why when i get fable 2, i'm not going online.. because i can't stand other people ruining my roleplaying fun.. i'm getting more into single player roleplay games now, least i wont hear the character whine and worried the guy will say, u can't roleplay, blah blah blah.. you can't call a butcher a ***** in roleplay blah blah blah, i was like, dude, we are at a evil roleplay place, we can be very evil, he replied, but you are very rude! you can't do that! and i said, this character is meant to be rude and filled with pi** and wind.. i was like, you want cheese with that whine buddy? if people take things personal in roleplay and try shifting the blame, they should get out, because anyone can claim, i can roleplay! but it takes skill and patience, and a very good imagination... but like i said, i only go in roleplay lands, if on non roleplay i'm not a pi** off guy, but i'm not always playing a pi**ed off character, i'm a hero all the time, even with my pi**ed off guy, hes a hero, but hes just pi**ed alot..


ok, thats 4.. this is final one.. my imagination is so huge its endless, i'd like to join a roleplaying game making company, to learn how to graphics, and animations, i have a story about Standing Strong, thats the story title, Standing Strong.. I want to some how e-mail a movie cast crew, and let them gather up the actors to make this kind of drama movie.. where kids with no parents struggle to survive on their own, teenagers, first kids, then teenagers, and at the end its a total happy ending, they all have a real life, they made it, because they stayed standing strong.. happily ever after..

Hey Drak!

You're number one in my book man! I think you rock because you are who you are, and you aren't afraid to show it. (I look up to you very much in this respect and wish I could do what you do more easily- I'm working on it though!) The world needs more people like you quite frankly. If people would get their heads out of their arses and just go along with the flow, they would find so many treasures in places they never sought to look before. Just don't ever stop being you because somebody doesn't accept you ok?! Too many people try to change for others, or try to be something they are not. I for one lost myself when I was growing up, and now I'm desperately trying to break all the mechanisms I developed at that time in order to keep myself from receding even further into my own prison. You are funny, goofy, have a great heart, have a great imagination, and I love talking to you because you are real.

Your woes, though they are you pain, they are also your source of strength, and ultimately they are culminating to continue to shape you into a dynamic individual who has many blessings to offer to the world. Keep rockin and don't ever give up on your dreams or quit doing what you do best! Peace!

~Dragsum

thanks! ^_^. ur right, my past, and issues i hated is my strength to become even stronger then yesterday, i think i'll be ok, i was numb from pain for a few days, i'm starting to come back, to feel pain is good, it builds character, just don't expect me to hurt myself on purpose though, heh.. but to feel pain in my stomach, lets me know, i'm real.. somtimes i feel like i'm dreaming, i can't tell the difference between dreams, and reality, because they both so real.. i'm afraid of several things though.. big spiders, fire, drowning in deep water, ghosts, high places, and the darkness.. if i was to die i'd probably out of choice die in my sleep, and go peacefully.. but i know i'm stronger then that, so if i was truely to die, i'd want to die saving somone..

Yep, its better to feel pain than nothing at all. I'd rather have passion in my life (even in the form of anger) than ambivalence.

I don't know if this is any help, but I can tell you have more than you think. You seem like you're thinking pretty clearly and you're clearly creative and you're not losing sight of that. You refuse to let depression take that away from you, and that's admirable.

Like you, I've been dealing a lot with the big issues of "why" I get depressed. I have been through so many atrocious things I feel like I could justify being depressed for the rest of my life. But I don't want to be, and I know that I've been explaining my depression so much that I sometimes get limited to it. Now when I start dwelling on the terrible things that are my reasons for depression, I ask myself if I can think of something that feels a little better. It's not to say that we shouldn't work on our issues or talk about them, but that sometimes the way we justify our depression just ends up making us more depressed. I don't want every story I tell to end with me as a victim, and I know I can't even hope to be un-depressed until I see myself differently.

You've been dealt a hard lot, there's no doubt about it. But you also have some amazing gifts, and I'm guessing you have many more that people who know you well can see in you. The terrible things have helped make you who you are, no doubt, but they will never be all that you are. Never. :)

thank you! ^_^

my only thoughts/contributions are:
1. there isn't anything wrong with being emo. if you're emo, then that's just the way you are.
2. having an imagination is good.
3. depression isn't something that has a reason. it just happens. there are no reasons, just none. it CAN be triggered by things in life, like a death, but usually, depressed people just have a depressive syndrome that manifests itself here and there.