Dear Forum Members,

I am a 27 year old man, from the U.S. I have had depression since age 9. In college I got myself treatment and it has been a struggle ever since, despite therapy and meds. Some years are better than others but most are tough. It is a constant struggle, sometimes I feel really crushed into the ground. I have been experiencing a recent storm of depressive thoughts, in part caused by my current situation. Please allow me to describe my current life to you.

I got married in December to a wonderful woman I met at college and have been with for six years. The marriage took place after 1.5 years of difficult long distance relations. I moved to her country to be with her seven months ago because she was afraid of moving to the US (even though she speaks perfect English and has a PHD from an American university). I wont be specific, but I am now living in a European country where most people dont speak English, but several other languages.

Before moving to this country I told my wife that I would make a good faith effort to make it work in her home country, but that if I was unhappy we would return to the US. My wife agreed to this, as she has lived in the US for ten years and is perfectly adapted.

Ever since moving here I have been miserable. I tried taking language classes but I found them extremely difficult. Also, the teacher was a rude woman and would tell us we "had no brains" when we would make mistakes. I dropped out of the class because I was afraid I would snap on this teacher if she continued to talk down to me. As a child I was verbally abused very often by one parent and a couple of teachers, so as an adult I am very defensive against bullies and often overreact to them.

After I dropped out of the class I began to look for work. Before coming to this country my wife assured me that there were very many jobs open for English speakers. This proved false. I have been rejected more times than I can say. It's gotten to the point where the managers of temp and interim agencies will frankly tell me that they have no opportunities for me nor do they ever expect to--and they ask me not to come back or contact them further. I have been apllying for all skill levels of employment and have been rejected or ignored.

This was disheartening. I continued to look for work but slowly realized that I was unhappy with my new home. It was a fine country, but not for me. I was having a lot of trouble adjusting to life here. Furthermore, I became very homesick. The desire to fit in began to leave me. I want to return to the US with my wife.

Ever since I expressed my desire to return to the US my wife has become very frustrated with me. She says I am not trying hard enough and that I lack passion and drive. This hurts me very badly. Now her family is talking trash about me. I'm not surprised by this because her family has always treated her very badly, I knew it was only a matter of time before they started on me. However my wife agrees with her parents when they tell her I am not trying. They say mean and cruel things about me, that I manipulate my wife and that I am a loser but she defends me against these accusations. To clarify, my wife's family never say these hurtful insults to my face, but go behind my back and try to turn my wife against me. I refuse to see her family because they are very rude people. I have always disliked them because they have always called my wife a failure and a loser (and now they are treating me the same way). I am afraid to see them because I have too much anger, I might lose it if I get into contact with them..

I feel very isolated and trapped. I am lonely as hell and feel without a future. My wife and I are going in circles. I hate it here and want to leave, she does not. We fight all the time about it. She accuses me of lacking vision and not having any drive. This infuriates me. I have always been a hard worker and I am a passionate man. I dont think I should be treated this way because I want to return to the US.

Lately the depression has been very bad. I've been experiencing intense anger and sadness. I cant sleep at night from anxiety. When I wake up I have a surge of anxiety and a intense feeling I may vomit. I am afraid to go in public because I might start crying. At home I cry whenever I read books, listen to music, or watch a film. My wife is mad at me because she likes to socialize with her friends and I have been avoiding social interaction-I am sick of fake smiling and feel that my face must be visibly twisted with sadness and anger. I'm ashamed to be seen that way.

I am scared my marriage is in trouble. I am ashamed to say it but I resent my wife because she defends her family and shares some of their hurtful views. I feel my wife is not putting me first.

I feel trapped, alone, and hurt. I hate it here so much I want to take the next plane to the US. But if I go back to the US I only have a little money in savings, meaning I would have to live with my parents who are sometimes verbally abusive.

If I go back to the US my wife will stay here until I find a job and a place to live. She said in a haughty voice "...and I dont want to live in a dump." This hurt very much. I had hoped she would want to be with me no matter what.

Maybe she doesnt love me. Maybe I have been taken for a ride.

My head is cloudy with depression. Things have to change but I feel paralyzed.

I am seeing a therapist who speaks English later today.

I apologize for the length of this post. Thank you for your time.

Best wishes,
Xephon

This post has been edited by Xephon: Aug 22 2008, 06:59 AM

Just an Idea, suggest the UK or Ireland. English speaking but still close to Europe.

Good luck with the therapist.

Thank you for the suggestions Amazing Grace. It's a good idea. We think alike! I made these suggestions to my wife several times but she has made it clear that she doesn't want to live in either of those countries.

It's tough negotiating this thing. We just move in circles.

Xephon

This is a really tough situation on anyone. Change can be so stressful and you are in a foriegn country, away from everything that you know, alone except for your wife and now her family are hurting your marriage. Family on occasion has been known to break many relationships and marriages.
Is she afraid of her family? Maybe she sides with them out of fear or insecurity. You must feel awful. You gave up your whole life to be there and when you get there, you get run into the ground. I'm glad that you are going to see a therapist this afternoon (Luckily English) and this may help you so much, you may even want to suggest that your wife go with you at one stage and have couples therapy, than can help overcome all the resentment.

A relationship is give and take and it sounds like you have given a lot. I hope that your wife gives back too, otherwise it may be a very long hard road.

Trace

Thanks for the kind words Trace. I appreciate it.


I may post after I see the therapist depending on how I'm feeling. I'm nervous about taking the train to the therapist. I hope I dont cry on the train...one step at a time.

Best wishes everyone.

Wow Xephon, you must be experiencing a massive culture shock. I think I can relate a tad bit, well for me it is here in the USA where its happened to me. I'm an international student at school in Florida; I come from a third world country and I just assumed everything was going to be great when I left this "worm hole," to go to a developed country. I don't know how to explain it, but its just a different world and at times I feel like this entire country is the most fragmented/broken society on the basis everyone is so divided from race, ethnicity, religion, wealth etc. and there's this every man for himself mindset and screw everyone else.

However, I also blame myself since I am introverted and never had any friends etc. Also I don't have that language barrier, so that must be way harder. I am only 20 years old and I probably know nothing about marriage since I'm another "dumb kid" :D, plus I've never had a date in my life so yeah... do you have a family member or friend in the US you could stay with? I don't know if this is possible, but can you take a break from everything and spend time back in the US and see if your wife might want to tag along or something?

What you're going through would do a number on anybody, Xephon! You sound like you've tried very hard. I'm glad you have a therapist--I hope that works out or at least leads to a good therapist that will be perfect for you.

I also think it sounds like your wife is being pretty vague to say you're not really trying or you lack passion and drive. Of course you lack passion and drive if you're depressed--duh, that's half the condition right there--but it doesn't sound like she's able to really listen to you right now. It's probably easy to think that if you just tried harder, you'd feel better--then it puts all the blame and responsibility on you.

When you feel up to it, do you think you could ask her exactly what you could do to try harder? If she can't think of things you could do to show you're trying, then that would indicate she's just using that as an excuse so she doesn't have to realize that you just are unhappy right now. Also, if she gave you specifics and you did them and were still unhappy, then it seems like she'd have to acknowledge that you tried and that your problem is deeper than a lack of effort.

I just want to thank everyone for their helpful words and support. I do not have time to write now, but I will tomorrrow.

The therapist does not help much, and I feel desperate about my marriage-it is in crisis.

Sorry I cannot write more, Thank You, I will post tomorrow when I can do so privately.

Hi Xephon,
I spent a lot of time in Europe in my twenties living with overseas relatives. I struggled with the language and found (still when I visit!) there are only certain people I can easily understand. I had a headache at the end of every day, I mean pounding throbbing brain-overload and subsequent anxiety...but I did keep trooping along and finally broke though to a level of comfort.

I had actually sought out American ex-pat groups and one-on-one language exchanges to combat the feelings of isolation. I don't know where you are, but if you are in a larger town with universities, this is a good place to try and locate some sources. Find a bulletin board and try to get a language exchange group started. Go to museums or just meet at a cafe and do a book club sort of thing. Have film outings, get creative.

Once you start finding a comfort level on your own in your surroundings then your relationship may feel a newfound focus and/or connection.

KEEP GOING! I am also a newlywed and it's certainly not as easy as I thought it would be, but definitely worth every effort.

Take good care.

Dear Trace,

Thanks for replying. Right now I feel very desperate about my marriage. I feel I am taken for granted and that I am always the one who must make concessions. I have been suffering very badly by conditions created by my woman, either by her extended absence or by moving to her country where I am miserable. What scares me is that she allows these conditions to go on even though I tell her how horrible I am doing. She claims that she aches over my pain and feels guilty about it, but she wants things to stay the same. I dont want her to feel guilty.

I dont know what to do. I'm thinking of just flying back to the states. If she comes, she comes, if she doesnt, it will end in divorce. I have to think on it.

I'm in a situation where I am beginning to feel the inklings of suicidal fantasies. I would not kill myself because I dont want to hurt those who care for me, but it is a comforting fantasy for when I feel trapped.

Sorry if this sounds melodramatic. Thanks again for your words.

Best,
Xephon

This post has been edited by Xephon: Aug 25 2008, 05:33 AM

Xephon

It sounds like you have tried so hard to please her. It must be heartbreaking when she does nothing to help the situation. Marriage is give and take. It seems you have done a lot of giving. The situation you are in, will not do your marriage any justice. Only you can make the decisions for yourself, but going back to the States, may be an idea for you. If she really cares, she may eventually return after a while and join you. You need to give therapy a little time, the first session is almost a get to know you session and not much is achieved. It takes a few sessions to have any break through's.

Do you think your wife would go with you to a therapy session? Therapy has saved many marriages, escpecially when their is family envolved. Your wifes family sounds a little dysfunctional and a dysfunctional family can cause her to have a heap of problems herself. If she was prepared to help that way, by going to couples therapy, that could be a start.

Trace

Dear Starrykitten,

Thanks for the reply. What my wife means by "try harder" is basically, Stay in My Country and Learn the Language. This is a dead end though. I have been trying to learn the language but it is very difficult, there are also many regional dialects which make it harder. I have tried hard to like it here, but if I am honest with myself I cannot ever see myself being happy here or enjoying life here. It is too hard for me to adapt, I am going crazy. I dont like this country and I want to leave it.

Before my wife and I moved to her European country we agreed that if I had a lot of difficulty we would move back to the US. Well, I've been miserable, unemployed, and lonely as hell, but she doesnt want to go back to the states.

I also dont understand why my wife wants to stay here. She dislikes her job, dislikes where we live, and her parents often treat her with disrespect and insults. Well, part of the problem is her parents are trying to turn her against me, and her parents have a strange abusive relationship with her which is like an entanglement.

Basically I am sick of suffering because of my wife. She forced us into a long distance relationship because she was scared of living in the US. This went on for a year and a half. I was lonely as hell without her, and I broke connections with my friends because they were trying to get me involved with other women.

Because she was scared of coming to the US I went to Europe, under the condition that if I didnt like it we would move back to the US. Now that time has come and she doesnt know what to do. Maybe I should leave her. I feel she cares more about herself than me. How could she watch me suffer and not do anything about it?

I feel so low. This is the worst depression I have had in about five years.

My parents watched my depression and never did anything about it. I had to get treatment on my own after I was thrown out of college. Now my wife refuses to work with me at all. She is just stonewalling me because she wants things to stay the same even though I'm miserable.

When she says I have no vision I say my vision is to move to the US, get a job, and be with the woman I love. She replies to this by saying I dont know what I want to do, which is true, but I have always been a hard worker. Just because I dont have a set career goal I dont think that makes me a bad person...

I dont know what to do or where to turn. My therapist isnt very helpful. He tries to tell me that everything I feel today is caused by negative past experiences. Its not that simple. The current situation also matters. The past plays a role, Yes, I agree; but the present moment is also its own entity, and cannot be reduced to the past-that's too simplistic.

This post has been edited by Xephon: Aug 25 2008, 05:33 AM

Im sorry for being blunt Xephon, but if I were you i'd be off. Back to the US or anywhere else you fancy. Take the chance to live your life and hopefully find some happiness.

I wish you all the luck in the World, take care bud.

Thanks mate. I've been thinking about leaving her. I feel like I need to take responsibility for my own happiness and do what I need to in order to be healthy-right now I'm just sinking.

I'm trying to stay patient and think on it, it's such a major change.

I told my wife that I'm getting to a point where I will probably go back to the US in early September. I cant take it anymore. If she does not come with me, I will divorce her. A marriage is supposed to be in good times and bad, but when one partner sees the other suffering and doesnt do anything, I think that is unhealthy on so many levels.

I've expressed all this to her and she says she "wont be a divorced woman". My reply was, "I love you, but I am miserable here. I can't be held here. If you wont come with me as my wife I will divorce you because I cannot be put through long distance relationships anymore."

She is vague and says she loves me but just does nothing, and does not seem interested in coming to the states with me unless I have a good job and a place that isn't a dump. If she really loved me she'd support me through tough times and want to be with me despite the tough times. Maybe I am a hypocrite and the same thing could be said about me?
I appreciate your being blunt. With time I hope everything will become clear to me.


Best wishes,
Xephon

This post has been edited by Xephon: Aug 25 2008, 07:52 AM