I am seeing a psych that my workplace has sent me to, its to due to grief issues and self harm thoughts.

I was seeing a counsellor that I really liked but she has moved on and I am seeing a psych. She is supposed to be doing an evaluation/assessment and ongoing treatment.

She is not sure whether I am depressed or grieving. After 4 weeks of talking to me she seems to think it is more grief related. When I talk to her I laugh and joke a lot. I am sleeping okay, and I work full time and get out and about. At the start she mentioned about medication but has now seemed to have gone away from it.

Sometimes I want to tell her stuff and I will volunteer information such as my husband found something in my car that I shouldn't have, she then asks what it is and I have trouble telling her. She said i put the line out and then take it back in. She has told me to get rid of any suicidal tools. But I like to have them, as they are like a security blanket for me. She also tells me to not do 1 or 2 day fasts.

Things that stop me being fully open with her are 1) being sectioned 2) telling my workplace that I will never be fit for full duties 3) telling my husband.

She also wants my husband to come along. I told her that I don't my husband about my feelings as I don't want to worry him. I was once late home from a meeting and he was beside himself, thinking I had done it.

When she starts asking questions such as what I have, I literally start squirming in my seat. I felt suicidal after seeing her the very next day, whereas last week it took about 2 days after seeing her before they returned. I don;t really look forward to seeing her either. I seem to be able to take it or leave it which I like as I don't want to be dependant on her. With the last counsellor I could feel myself becoming dependant as we got on so well and I always felt much happier after seeing her.

Hi crashandburn - I have the tools too because I feel better having them - they are an emergency exit - doesn't mean I'll use them - I just like to have them available. Similar to like when I was in therapists' offices - I positioned myself in the office where, if need be, I could make a beeline for the door and escape - not that I ever did it - just like to have an escape plan so I don't feel so trapped. I hate being trapped. But I was never able to talk to a therapist about having the tools - too afraid they'd lock me up. Just because you have them, doesn't mean you'll use them. I find them comforting.

I resisted returning to therapy (after a 10+ year absence) because I didn't want to be dependent either. I know I can't control this. That is why I try to keep away from everything - I am too needy. Even logging in to DF - I shouldn't do this because I get too dependent. My bottomless pit of needieness can never be fulfilled - I know that - that's part of why I am not big on life - I know nothing is ever enough - I just need too much and no one/nothing can give it to me and it hurts so much to keep hoping someone/something can and then have to face reality over and over again - I am so ashamed of this - it is so humiliating to be so desperately needy. I really admire your ability not to become dependent on your new psych.

I hope she doesn't pressure you to bring your husband - if you want to discuss things privately, I think she should respect that. That must be so hard to have her reporting back to your work because she is work appointed - I would have trouble talking to her with that knowledge....do you think you could get more help from someone not connected to work?

I actually told her that I was there because work sent me, and that I thought I was just being evaluated and that talking to her was a conflict of interests. I figured might as well say what I am feeling first time. With the other counsellor I used to get worried that if I told was some really bad stuff she may not want to see me any more. Also with the other counsellor she used to tell me a lot about herself which I enjoyed hearing, and we would send each other emails back and forth.

With this one it is strictly business and nothing like that and I think that way I won't form a dependency on her. I am going on holidays for 2 weeks and told this lady that I won't be seeing her, she said I still had the option of ringing up in case I change my mind, but I don;t want to do that.

I just found out my sister in law who I really like who has had breast cancer that went to the bones for the last 10 years that it has now gone to the lung and spleen and she might only have months left. We are driving 1000km to see her while I am on holidays.

Also a little boy was found after 14 days missing dead in a creek. It was similar with my daughter but she was found after 7 days. There was a quote in the paper from someone who found him, and they said the parents should be glad because it is all over and they can move on. I told my boss about that and said I would have punched someone in the face if they said that to me. He got angry and said he agrees with the quote and I told him you have not been through it so you wouldn't know and then he yelled at me and told me to not be like that with him. I said we will just have to agree to disagree. But I really feel for the parents of this boy as the media had it out on the news within the hour for everyone to know about just like it was with us.

I have also found out that the social worker who did counselling is just as good as the psychiatrist. Except the psychiatrist earns much more money.

Wow - you have an incredible amount going on right now - it must be hard to keep it all together. When do you leave for your trip? Are you looking forward to the time off from work and the time with your husband? I hope you have a good visit with your sister in law.

It must be difficult dealing with people when they don't understand what you have gone through - not only do you have your grief to deal with, but the comments and reactions from other people to contend with on top of it. I'm sorry your boss upset you. I really admire how you keep going on and don't give up - I hope you are proud of how strong you are. I admire your strength and courage and stamina.

I am not really that strong, I mean what choice do you have? I have chosen the other choice a couple of times but it didn't work. I try to keep working to keep in a routine. But thanks for your encouragement.