I introduced myself on the intro page. I have had it most of my life. I began recovery for it and ED 14 years ago but it still bites me in the butt.

I am not satisfied in my current job and have been interviewing. I had a very promising close call but it looks like it will fall through. I am on meds and have a T appointment tomorrow night. I have been working from home lately and that is not good because it is harder here than at work.

I feel overwhelmed with life although in reality everything is fine. I cannot seem to motivate myself to act. I am scared for my job performance yet I sit here frozen and cannot do anything.

I stopped exercising when the last episode struck. I think the current episode was triggered by the close call for a new job. I so wanted it and loosing it really hurts. Everything else is fine or at least should be. I have a loving husband, wonderful child, nice house, good job etc. I know that even if I had things that I wanted like a new job it would soon be SSDD.

I do want to climb out however. I have made a list of all the things I need/want to do and will try to do them rather than sit and feel anxious or sad.

I don't know if I should baby myself or force myself to exercise and do everything on my long list.


On the plus side - I am on meds, T appointment tomorrow and Pdoc appointment end of the week. I have reached out to one friend and have invited her over to coffee. I did positive affirmations this morning. I also got dressed, did my hair and put on makeup. I have taken care of my child. She is at a friends house and she is not aware of my feelings of sadness.

I just want to cry. It has been this way for 3 days and I hate it.

Sorry for the ramble. I hope to lend support to all of you as well.

Hi Jenny Rose,
I have a hard time at home too. I can do well at work for a long time. I think it's the normalcy and routine of it.

If you are like me, change is awful, so interviewing and/or changing jobs would be hard.

I stopped exercising when mine hit 6 months ago too - I've gained 25-30 pounds. I've been eating badly too using as a coping mechanism. I suspect actually trying to lose 15 pounds that I had gained actually helped create the problem - with a lot of other factors in play. I finally have been doing better this week after about 7 months.

I found on babying vs. challenging is a fine line. Usually forcing myself to be out helped UNLESS a negative experience came of it. I had a couple of social situations recently that I felt I couldn't duck out of and they went well and actually helped me on my way to recovery. Seek out positive SAFE situations to help you to start. Success in interactions and situations helps. Likely some movement in this job search will make a difference - finding out one way or another. Even "normal" people get anxious when they don't know what's going on. How about rather than an all or nothing approach - pick one thing on your list - and if that feels okay - maybe try one more or wait until the next day?

I have days now where I can look forward to things in the future. For awhile there I couldn't and that was awful. I couldn't imagine caring about my daughter or son's weddings some day, or even before that their graduations or anything. That is a dark place.

I wish you the best and hope your visit goes well!
Nicky Lynn

Thanks so much NickyLynn - I am feeling a bit better today although nothing has changed.

I really liked what you said;


What a brilliant idea. I know I can be a black and white thinker but I never applied it in this manner. I did a few things yesterday such as care for my daughter and take my car in for a much needed oil change. I think I will highlight a few things in yellow on my long list that I want to do and that are realistic and do them!

I also feel better about working today.


I hear you about exercise and weight. I also have an eating disorder and can get very wrapped up in hating my otherwise normal, useful but not extremely thin body. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to have the perfect body, at least I do. My distorted thinking goes that if I am thin, I will look great and everything will be OK. I know it sounds ridiculous to say it like this but that is what I believe when I am not in a good place.

Thanks again

JennyRose

Hi Jenny,

The title mentions the dark hole and being scared but nothing in the text really along those lines. Why is that? You do talk very rationally about symptoms and so on but I don't get the scared feeling from your words. Maybe that's, like me, a product of having it for so long. Just an observation, maybe it means we detach ourselves somewhat from the fear to cope or something similar.

You focus on work firstly. And that seems to be triggering relapses or deepening of symptoms etc.

You say you don't like your current job and that is probably causing you to pin hopes on interviews which may not be a reality as far as getting that job goes. That would result in disappointment of course.

Perhaps, in the short term, you could focus on what is good about your current job while you continue to seek something better. That way you may reduce the pressure on yourself to succeed in the interviews and that in itself does show at interview. I did many myself over the years and you could always see who was tense, nervous, confident and so on.

You always make allowances for nerves at interview of course as there are few who enjoy them, (masochists!) but the more relaxed you are the better you will come across. People often used to say to me that the jobs they did win were always jobs they didn't really care if they got it or not. They liked the job else they wouldn't have applied but assumed it was going to be someone else and therefore were just themselves.

I did a similar thing with jobs I applied for myself. I never applied for a job I didn't really want and never for a job I didn't know I could do from day 1. So when I did get them I always succeeded. Not everyone's approach as many take the promotions until they are several levels above their competence level. Which is why so many organisations are screwed up.

You seem to be doing all the right things around that and that is from experience I'd guess so no need to say much to you on that.

Best

Friendly

Thanks Friendly One - I have come to realize that the interview and possibility of a new job has triggered my depression in a major way. I was scared the other day because I was barely functioning and feared that would result in problems at work and at home.

I have dealt with d since I was in grammar school. The lowest parts were at times of great loss such as the end of a relationship or when I couldn't find a job. My father ruined the family financially when I was a teen and it devastated my self esteem and lead to real and perceived losses. I have looked to my jobs and careers as a way to prove to myself and others that I am not a complete loser and that I am all right. I have had some success in my current position but I am not "in with the in crowd" and have not been eligible for promotions etc for that reason. This despite the fact that my reviews have been excellent and I do good work. I saw this job as step up and an opportunity to get away from a place that is so cliquish. I know all places have office politics but I am willing to try a new place.

It hurts so bad because I thought I had a chance. Good jobs aren't easy to find and it really hurts where I am now. I know I shouldn't care about career and money because I have a great family and friends etc but I do.

Now I am not so scared. It just hurts.

Thanks for listening.

I wanted to add Jenny, that you have to be in the right place to start this, but I have been slowly beating my depression down with positive things and positive thoughts. Maybe I never really had depression, and maybe I'm just lucky, but I've seen mine slowly ebbing away by kind of going through some stages. I still have setbacks but the number of days I have down days keeps getting less and less.

First, I had to practice thinking nice things about me and about my outcome (and didn't believe them, but kept trying)

Then I practiced putting myself in a few little situations where I got scared but not too scared, and where I had a likelihood of success. For example, I weeded my garden, went to the store, etc. but not all on the same day

I started reaching out to others in slightly socially riskier situations and established my based of support by calling people who loved me or talking things out with friends

I took a little time away and went on vacation with my family

I started getting things in line with my diet (not in terms of calories, but in terms of healthy vitamin-rich foods and fiber; and, I started exercising again.

The biggest thing was I had to practice not getting into the pattern of obsessing over the bad things. LIke one thought "I can't move" going into the next thought "no one likes me" which became "I'm worthless" and "I have no friends" and spiraling down into greater worthlessness and complete bawling and panic. I will say this is only what worked for me, and not a cure-all, but I wanted to share in my situation what has helped me. It's possible none of these did it - it was just that my brain started healing so I could do these things. I don't know. It's possible I'm just OCDish- and it led to a depressive episode that lasted 6 months.

Friendly has a good point about focusing on what you like about your current job - people suggested to me that I find positives about the neighborhood I lived in and hated. For example - 1) my kids were happy and safe there 2) I didn't have to worry my neighbors would ever actually hurt me in any way 3) We have a beautiful home and there are people who don't have a nice living situation. And let me tell you, focusing on the positives in a situation that has you on yoru knees in sadness is not easy!!!!! But if you keep saying it, beating down the negative voice in yoru head - at some point you believe it.

I wish you luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi again Jenny,

Ahh, I know the "in crowd" exclusion feeling only too well.

You know how I viewed those people? The polite word is sycophants. People who pretend to like their boss and do anything for them simply to impress. Not real friends, fakes. I always pitied them really as, even though some got promoted ahead of me, I wasn't prepared to live like that. I could not have stomached that sort of pretence.

It may seem to be an "in crowd" if you aren't a part of it but rest assured at least some of those people are totally fake and hate how they act. But do it anyway. I couldn't do that and always took my satisfaction from my job performance or client feedback. That way my supervisors and bosses over the years always recognised my efforts and ability and the rewards followed too.

I just didn't have to drink with the people I disliked or do things that made me feel a fraud. Just treated everyone as equal and expected the same for myself. There were always others like me wherever I worked and we made our own in crowds.

Jobs do play a big part in our self esteem, satisfaction and so on. Even if you don't really like the job as happened with me from time to time early on. I still made sure I did it well and efficiently as that was the way to feel OK about myself.

You get good work reports and that alone is your aim. It will allow you to move on sooner than you might think.

You are doing everything right from what I see and you should take pride in that.

Very best

Friendly

Thanks friendly one - I guess I am not the only one who isn't in with the right crowd. I thought that ended with High School graduation. It does get better though.

I do need to recognize my accomplishments. Thanks for the reminder.

Any tips for dealing with d at work?