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AsILayDying
post Aug 18 2008, 03:55 AM
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I really don't care if people read this I just feel like getting it all out somewhere ya know? And instead of just writing it to myself so I can tear to shreds later I'm going to post it here in the off chance someone happens to find interest in my boring mundane life.

Lately my whole life has just been coming back around and really getting to me.
I don't remember when my parents were together and what I do remember is yelling and fighting and the smashing of a clock. When I was around two or three I had a cyst in my stomach that made it so I couldn't keep down anything I ate or drank and so I had that removed. My dad left I didn't really seem to notice or not that I remember. Some therapist lady not that long ago told me the cyst could have been caused because since I was so little I had no way to deal with my parents fighting and it internalized and turned into a cyst. I found that interesting.
So I lived with my mom for fifteen years of my life and she was one of the only people I ever talked to. I somehow developed extreme shyness. I don't remember when why or how but that's how I am till this day.
My mom and I fought constantly and she was a bit on the controlling side.
I ended up moving in with my dad and his wife and her four kids at the beginning of my sophomore year.
I basically just did it for the freedom and fast internet connection.
I never really talked to my dad..I was shy around him and all of his family.
I used to be close to my step sister but she cut me out of her life because she didn't like what I was doing with mine.
Real nice? and to this day people expect me to care what she thinks or expect me to apologize to her...
I find it unbelievable...
I am a very angry person and I keep it all inside since I never take it out on anyone but myself.
My dad has discovered this at least once and the only thing he cared about was the fact I never talk to anyone in the family.
That's all he cares about.
Being one big happy family.
little does he know I see these people for who they really are...
His wife especially...they are very very naive and moronic.
She has built her world of stereotypes and closed it all off with her christian beliefs.
It all infuriates me to no end but I don't feel like expressing it since I'm just trying to stay here till I can escape for good.
My mom was getting me help for awhile and I think it was actually working for awhile there.
Then she had a stroke and up until now i tried to just shut it out. Act like i resented her and didn't care...
and now all the memories of being with her flood back and kill me and I see how horrible a daughter I am being and it kills me and things will never be the same...she has to stay in oregon and has no way of coming back here anytime soon and she was the only person who understood these people like I do...
Along with missing my mom the way she and things used to be..
I really miss my best friend Kali...
She was the only real friend I had in a horrible middle school.
She was one of the first people i clicked with and I love her very much
She died four years ago and I seem to be missing her more and more.
I try in vain to get in touch with her...
I still feel like I could just somehow find her somewhere...but I'm being ridiculous.
I do know a way I could find her and see her again but I'm too much of a coward to quite go there.
For awhile now I thought I had people who did help me...some friends here and there...but one by one they are all proving to be just as hopeless as the rest of the world...
My boyfriend always fails to understand how I feel but I love him anyways. So instead of telling him what is wrong half the time I just spend time with him to make myself feel better...
And my best friend danielle...has been there for me for five or six years now and although she is a bit immature she is a good escape from the real big world...we have a lot of fun together...she makes the real me come out..
I really do love making people laugh and i love being silly and weird and she just makes all the darkness melt away sometimes
But it gets harder and harder lately...
I feel like I'm in a pitch black room
and that leaves me vulnerable to all my bad thoughts and memories...
So they constantly attack me and penetrate every joy I have in life
And it just makes it harder for people to reach in and pull me out...
Soon I don't even think they'll be able to get a good enough hold on me to get me out for any time at all...

Has anyone had the feeling that there is some part of them...working for the depressed side of you...
Like it listens to the "I want to be utterly alone" and "I just wish they would all go away so I can just suffer in peace"
and It subconsciously causes you to do things to push people away...???
I feel like I've gone crazy..but I feel like I just realized this is what's going on and it made sense to me..because I normally wouldn't treat the people I love like utter s*** to the point where they wanted to give up on me...
Someone tell me I'm not just crazy?

This past year has felt like the longest and one of the worst...
I was a senior in high school...
and contrary to popular belief high school are the worst years of my life so far...
I lost more people this year than I ever have...
I've never felt so hated and worthless in my whole life than I have this year and this whole town is full of ghosts...everywhere I go I see the painful memories play over and over and over...
The people are everywhere...I don't know anymore I really don't...
It is very hard for me to let go..
and i really cared about these people
I was even in love once
Yet they dropped me like it didn't even matter...
They have such hate for me
Such ill will...

I hate myself as it is...
But everything I do wrong...just makes me hate myself ten times more
No one seems to understand anymore...
I mean at first there were people who could relate and actually tell me things that would help but now I have people telling me "It is just a waste of time to feel that way"
Well you know if I could help it believe me I wouldn't waste my time...
Who honestly wants to feel like this????
Why would I do this to myself...
and to prove I wasn't doing this for attention and to waste time
I locked it up...
I stopped telling anyone around me...
I quite people...
Cuz they...are the waste of time

Sigh...There is a war going on inside constantly
and I wish I was the kind of person who could heed all your kind words and call the hotline or seek professional help...but I have no ways or means of paying for anything...and I don't like feeling disappointed and try not to give people the opportunity to disappoint me anymore...
Luckily the people that do respond to me on here make me feel loved
I feel the slightest warmth when I read ...even the fact people bothered to reply to my nonsense makes a difference...
But its really dark..and I don't know...

I can't see the point...
We all die anyways..
why go through more pain just to die later on
more broken and with more memories...

I can't see the beauty in me that people see...inside or out...
Life has changed so much
Its so unbelievable how bad its gotten..I didn't think it possible...
And I am surrounded constantly by people who can't and probably never will understand what's going on
I would do anything to get them to understand..but I don't ever want them to feel the way I feel
I would never wish this upon anyone...
I just can't take much more anymore...
it really isn't worth it to me..
i wish I could change that..
i wish i could live my life in one big distraction from all the darkness inside but it keeps pulling me deeper...
I just hope I can control my actions enough to not chase away the people I need in my life...once again I hope i'm not crazy in thinking i know what is happening...
arg..
i know this is stupid
this is why i hate writing..i can't stand putting down how i feel then thinking.."crap i just posted all my emo wimpy bull all over some website and people are gonna be like...oh yay another depressed youth what's new?"
I dont want to be another statistic ..but isn't that what we all are...ugh
sometimes i think it'd just be better if i kept it all to myself and didn't bother people with my crap...
maybe if i made people think i was ok i wouldn't feel so stupid
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ISeeBluePeople
post Aug 18 2008, 04:31 AM
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Its not stupid; its an incredibly beautiful and poignant post, almost poetic and moved me to tears. Your first step to recovery is learning to love yourself and live your life to please you not other people. I too stopped telling people about my dp because those who do not suffer it will never understand. Find one close friend you can confide in, one who won't judge you and hold on to them for life. It sounds cliche but you're young ang have a long life ahead of you. I want you to google the poem "Desiderata" and read it daily. Maybe it can give you some inspiration. Once in a great while I'll run across a post that touches my heart and yours did. Maybe because there are similarities in our lives. Even so, I wanted you to know its a beautiful post and I'm thinking of you. hearts.gif


--------------------
In all my bitterness, I ignored all thats real and true. All I need is You.
isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp

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ISeeBluePeople
post Aug 18 2008, 05:06 AM
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Ok......I found it for you. I also wanted to say I read your post about your dad stopping your meds. If you're 18 or older you can get anti-depressants for free at your local health department if you can't afford them.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.


This post has been edited by ISeeBluePeople: Aug 18 2008, 05:10 AM


--------------------
In all my bitterness, I ignored all thats real and true. All I need is You.
isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp isbp

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AsILayDying
post Aug 19 2008, 03:49 AM
Post #4


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I love that poem.
Thank you for your kind words..
It really means so much to me to hear this from someone who really understands..
Thank you for caring hugs.gif
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