I am feeling just so down and sad right now. I can't even force a smile on my face. I just feel so lonely. I don't know if I am even happy in my relationship.... is that even possible to not know? I don't know. I am 24 years old and I have no job, and I have no education besides high school. I have like $15000 in debt and I have already filed bankruptcy once. I have an apartment with my boyfriend that we can barely afford. It's always so messy and I just don't seem to give a crap about it. I am afraid to drive, I am afraid to be places where there's a lot of people, and I am even afraid to sleep... how fricken crazy is that? I mean if my boyfriend makes plans to be somewhere public, I sit at home and dread for when that day comes. I can't enjoy ANYTHING I am sitting here wondering if there is even any reason to live when I have to live my life like this. I just want to burst out and cry right now. I haven't had any friends for the longest time, and I don't even know how to make small talk anymore... so when an opportunity arises to maybe make some friends.. ..I look like a complete bit*h (excuse the language) because I barely say a word to anyone. I barely do anything anymore, and I am eating like crap so I am getting fatter by the minute, and my acne seems to be getting worse every day and I am just so hideous. It's hurt's me that I could even say such a thing about myself. (It was 90 degrees out today and I wore a sweater and jeans out to breakfast to cover myself up and protect myself from embarrassment) I just don't know what to do, and I feel like the biggest loser out there right now. Everyone around me seems to be doing so good for themselves with nice cars, nice clean houses, with good jobs and a college education, and then heres me.... an unemployed, non-educated, lonely, friendless loser. I just want to crawl into a hole, curl up and die.

(((((NEALY))))))
Life can really be a kick in the can't it? My heart breaks for you, because even though I do not have the challenges you were facing (like the debt and fear of sleeping) I know the dark hole you are in well. I know the feeling of not enjoying anything - and I have 2 wonderful children - and there are days I just want life to hurry up and be done.

Are you considering going to college or is it more that you feel like you should go to college? I think there are so many choices for young adults for jobs that it can just be terribly overwhelming. I think you need to just think about things you like to do and look at what's out there. The big thing I tell my friends that are younger (I'm almost 37) is that you can ALWAYS change careers. As far as the college, if you WANT to go, there are always ways to make that work - there is a lot of aid out there - I would talk to a guidance counselor at the local junior college to see if they know what financial aid is available. I started as a teacher - I was terrible at it and felt a terrible failure (it was simply hard and I wasn't good with kids) and then I got a job at a technology company (I had noskills there - my brother-in-law worked there and wanted to get me a job as a kind of admin). This eventually turned into my instructional design job (somethign I had never even heard of at 23). My point is - it's hard to say what you'll do - start with something and go from there. The bigger issue with the work thing is you have to believe in yourself first. (Ha if that was that easy, huh?) Are you seeing a counselor or doctor right now?

I really hear you on feeling like everyone else having it together and on my better days, I see that this really isn't so - it just seems like the grass is greener everywhere else. But, everyone has problems and everyone has ups and downs over the course of their lives. When my son was in the hospital 10 years ago as a baby in a life threating situation, I remember thinking how everyone seemed to have children and they were all just walking around happy and laughing and I'd never felt so "outside" in my life.

On the appearance - it's hard to take care of something like your looks when you can't even get up or go to bed. I have gained 30 pounds in the less 6 months that I've been dealing with this depression. I've been using food to cope. So I know how it feels to not feel pretty. But even more than that I know how it feels to feel so down about yourself just on a larger level. The dark-colored glasses of depression that people talk about on here are very real. Everything negative becomes magnified. And that affects how you interact with others. How can you be a good social conversationalist when it feels like your life is falling apart? "Hi, how are you doing?" "Oh well I want to curl up and die..." Doesn't make very good conversation. :) And I know that isn't what you would say, but my point is, that's where your heart and feelings are and it just makes everything else seem pointless - you don't care about going out or the weather or anything. This darkness affects all your relationships - including that with your boyfriend. How do you nurture a relationship when you can't love yourself. It's really really hard.

I hope you are seeing a counselor, doctor or someone or at the very very least have someone you can talk to about all this.

At the very least I can assure you you are NOT the loser you think you see in the mirror right now. You are a lovable person and deserve the best. BELIEVE THAT!!!!

Nicky

Hi Nealy,

Don't know anything but what you've written here. So forgive me if I say something you already do or know.

You detail a lot of issues and problems but don't mention treatment, depression or anything medical really. Is this because you've been there, done that or just given up, or what else?

Nearly everything you have written here is about how you feel when measuring yourself against others. No specific others, just others. This is normal and we all do it of course but it seems to be affecting you big time.

You say you have a boyfriend. You hardly mention him except as a problem for you as he makes arrangements you worry about. Do you like him? Does he like you? What emotions are you feeling about all this? Feeling like crap is very descriptive of course but it doesn't really say anything. You could be sad, miserable, angry, upset, aggressive. Anything really is covered by the crap statement.

What I'm getting at here is maybe if you were more specific with yourself first it may help you get a handle on what is going on for you. A general "It's crap" statement doesn't help you understand what you actually feel. If you can describe the actual feelings and tie them to a source through your thoughts then you will be on your way.

You follow?

You also say you are uneducated except for High School. That is educated actually. Many people don't have to get a bit of paper to prove what or who they are. PLus you have time to improve that if that is the thing you want.

It sounds to me like things have just been drifting and slowly getting worse which tends to immobilise us. We see the train wreck coming but we have to wait for it to hit before we say "Hey, I knew that was coming".

Who cares what others have and do? You don't know what life is like inside their heads do you? They could be miserable because there are so many billionaires and why aren't they too?

See where I'm going? Wanting more often does not help our mood at all. It's learning how to be us that does that. Money is simply a tool, not the object of desire many make it out to be. That''s why they say "money doesn't buy happiness". It can't. ALthough I'd be willing to give it a go myself!!!!

Treatment is the path. And discipline.

Best

Friendly.

*hugs* I need a friend too. Let's chat sometime.

This post has been edited by jeminirulz99: Aug 17 2008, 09:00 AM

Hey Nicky, thanks so much for the advice! About the college thing- I have been through college 4 times and ended up dropping out because either I gave up or I realized the career I chose wasn't for me. I'm mad at myself because I would have gotten college for free, but now I have lost that opportunity and I am sitting here giving myself the hardest time about it day in and day out, and it just makes me want to pull my hair out.

As for seeing a therapist..... I wish! I can't afford one, and I am uninsured but it certainly would help having someone to talk to who is a professional, and help guide me through life because it is pretty obvious that I can barely make it on my own anymore. My regular doctor called me and wants me to come and talk to him this week. He may not be a therapist, but at least I know he cares, and understands.

As for trying to believe in myself......I don't even really know who I am as a person, and that makes it even harder for me to believe in myself ....or anything for that matter. If someone was to ask me to tell them about myself....I would be at a loss for words, and that is really embarrassing. How can you not know who you are? How do you figure it out? I'm hoping that one day it will just hit me all at once and all of this confusion, pain and suffering will just go away.

By the way, thank you SO much for the last comment you made.... that really made me smile

Definitely, I'd really like that

Hey friendly. Thanks for replying:)

I have been diagnosed with depression, and GAD. I've only been taking meds for a short while so I am still working with my regular doctor to find what's best for me.

When I talk about others, it's usually relatives or my boyfriends friends. I know people younger than me who have gone to college already, have jobs as nurses or they manage a company... or something like that. How can I compete with that? They walk around with these pathetic smiles on their faces and have so many nice things and they really make sure to rub it in, and it drives me crazy because they know I haven't been to college and they know I am unemployed and that my boyfriend is taking care of everything. But ya know... you are right. I shouldn't care about what everyone else has... because they may be as miserable as me.... but they have the money and material things to cover it up with. Right? I really need to stop worrying and comparing what everyone else has that I don't. It certainly isn't helping.

As for my boyfriend... yes I love him, and he loves me. He makes arrangements for things that I would normally enjoy... like going out to dinner or to a movie... and I dread that day because I know once I arrive to that place my anxiety will kick into overdrive. It's like I have to pretend like we are the only people in the room, otherwise I feel the need to escape and it bothers me, and I'm sure it does him (even though he seems to be understanding) It is a CRAPPY way to feel!

When I say I feel like crap... it pretty much means that I feel lonely, sad, hurt, angry, frustrated, and confused. I just don't even know where to begin. I have lost control of my own mind.... and I don't think I will ever be able to gain control again.

Nealy, thats the beauty about this place we call Earth. There are places to go that will allow you to be with your boyfriend without to much social interaction. Things like hiking for example. You get to leave the apartment, grab some exercise, be with the one you love, and dont have to worry about anything else. Start with things like that until you feel comfortable taking bigger steps. You'll love it. As far as work and school go, just think along the same lines until you find what you want. Take courses online. Work for a delivery service, where you arent in a building for 8 hours with people, instead inside a car with your music and peace of mind. You will start to feel stronger and the world will start to grow with you. It'll be a beautiful thing.

Hi Nealy,

I do feel very much for you. I'm not some guy who has a perfect life or knows all that much about anything really. I do unfortunately have a lot of experience with depression and my biggest aim in life is to try and shorten the time others spend battling through this mess we are all sharing. My time in D land has been an eternity already.

I may sound like I'm pushing you and there's a reason for that. I am trying to. Get you to think about what's wrong instead of accepting it as a big mess you can't understand. You can. Depression does toss so much at us that we feel overwhelmed and it does cause us to just want to give up and hope it goes away.

You don't have to solve it all in one day though. Take time to write things down, think about them. Maybe keep a journal of feelings and thoughts. Best way is to do it at the same time each day so you have a comparison to reflect on.

So I tried to focus on the plus things you have instead of the minus things you don't.

You see there'll always be someone or many with a better this or that. Seemingly better life, more of this and more of that. Always. Except if you're Bill Gates perhaps. He seems to be happy but what has he done? Gave away the best paying job in the world to work basically for charity. I mention him as he has been the richest but obviously not the happiest man in his Microsoft role. Else he would have stayed there.

He's looking for some personal rewards instead of financial you see. Charity work, or volunteer work let's us think we are wonderful as we are helping others for nothing. The reality is we get heaps out of it, satisfaction if we help just one person.

Off on a tangent there but it's relevant.

The point was there's always someone or something better than what we are or have. As we see it. So to pursue that competetive issue of trying to match or outdo others is a certain way to depress ourselves. It's a no win game really. You just have to keep running in case someone catches up or, heaven forbid, passes you.

There are young teenagers who have finished university you know, brilliant kids. But guess what? They had no childhood. Who wins there?

Look at the good things you've said in reply to me and others. You have a doctor who seems to care. That is a big plus. No therapist? I'm not a fan really of therapists in general as I think most don't know what day it is. Sure there are good ones and I've seen some of them but they didn't solve anything I couldn't by reading and asking at places like this forum.

You are in love. That's something you can't put a value on and so many want that more than anything, a partner. Don't underestimate the strength you can draw from that alone.

Yes, I know what feeling crappy covers. I was asking you to think about it and try to separate out the feelings so you can see them separately. If you read the symptoms of depression on line you would then be able to see that symptom A equals feeling 3, Symptom B equals feeling 5 and so on. That way you know which feelings are attributed to depression and that they are normal for where you are right now.

It helps to understand the illness rather than keep treating it as an unknown quantity. Once you understand things, what feelings go with depression etc then you can see what is happening when it happens. With time and reading. Could I suggest you read up on congitive behaviour therapy? This is the current big thing in therapy and there are so many books on it you couldn't not find one. It's essentially a way for us to try and do our own therapy and may be helpful to you. Check it out on the internet. There'd be a lot on this site for starters.

It's hard to do I know but a therapist would be asking you to go through similar processes of trying to identify your own feelings you know. It's about you understanding you and your thoughts and feelings. Not about anyone else. Just you so you have to do the work.

It sounds like you are only new to depression and that is a very hard place to be as nothing makes sense and we feel alone, unable to move and like we are the only one feeling that way. It does help to be here at DF and know that others are feeling similar things and many offer suggestions on things that may help.

Keep asking, keep looking but do it at your speed if you can.

Very best

Friendly.