I spend most of my time alone in my room playing video games, and then I go to work or school. That is my usual routine. I go places alone and by myself. I feel the most confident and secure when there is no one else with me. My mind is at ease.

It never fails, the moment I have another female friend in my presence men will automatically walk up to my friend (whoever is with me) and strike friendly conversaions with them or even compliment her and say nothing to me at all.


I've heard that maybe they have an approachable aura about them or seem to have a poisitive energy, but that is bull. Both of us go into sitaution with the same mindset and attitude, and I am usually feeling pretty fine until a guy will walk up to us, and completely ignore me and continue on with the small talk with my friend. Sometimes they are so deep into the small talk that there is no room for me to interject, and I don't want to appear desperate to where I have to fight for some strange guy's attention. Not to mention, it's pretty humiliating when guys give a friend some compliments and don['t say a thing to you. I find men to be rather insensitive which is why I don't like going to social places and mingling with the opposite sex. I tend to always walk away short handed.

I never have this problem when I am alone, it's just that any girl that is with me tends to just overshadow me in every way. Not that they dress better or look signficantly better..but what do I know ? I'm not a guy. Maybe they do.

Last night, I went to a restaurant with my friends and these group of young guys (we're 22/23) and they were like 18 were hitting on her, and I felt humilated just standing there. I felt like the most uglist and planest girl in the room. I wanted to leave the moment that happened because I knew I was not going to have a good time. I kept trying to convince my friend if we could leave and go somewhere else where there were not other ppl around. I just hate those social places because I tend to get lost in the crowd.

What made it even worse is that some other guy was checking her out and came to tell her she looked good. Another strike against me. I felt even MORE humilated that I wanted to literally run out of the restaurant to start crying. I can't believe that I thought I looked good enough to leave the house. I don't even know what I was thinking. Everything went downhill from there on..

I just hate being in clubs or places where the opposite sex is there. I just don't feel pretty enough or good enough to be there at all. And my worst fear always comes into play. What is even worse is when you dress up and you still dont look good enough or your friend who is dressed down ends up getting more compliments than you.

The entire night I was in a daze and my friend noticed something off about me. I didn't even try to hide how uncomfortable and unhappy I was. I really couldn't control it at that point. At one moment I dismissed myself and walked out the restuarant to sit down by myself and get some fresh air. I walked through the place with my head down because I felt so defeated and did not feel worthy enough to look any man in the eye or anybody for that matter. The situation has caused me to feel so inferior and unworthy of any kind of male attention. After all, not once but twice I went unnoticed while my friend was getting some of the admiration from other men.

After last night's incident I have not been able to sleep, and have promised myself that I will never go out again. And I will never date either. I have had no luck with men. I just have told myself that any guy who approaches me will get rejected. Mainly because if another girl was standing right next to me he wouldn't want to talk to me anyway.

Rule # 1, all men are pig's. Rule #2, when in doubt see rule #1 and I'm a guy!!! The more I am around people the more I like dogs!! Some strang guy? All guys are strange!! You are right we are insensitive.
All joking aside and I hate to tell yo this, it is you. When we are depressed and anti social we give off vibes?? When we are not depresed we also give off vibes or have an aura, however you want to describe it.
Do not take my word for this, try a little experiment. The next time you are in a situation, grab the bull by the horns, Smile, Make eye contact, stand up stright, dont stare at the floor. joke, compliment, even if it kills you get in there and be part of it. It will probobly be VERY uncomfortable at first. But the reaction you get will be 100% different. What will they think? I might embares myself, so what!! we are talking some strange guy right? Who cares what they think.
Try to look at the results objectively, are the results worth the effort? The more you do it the eaiser it becomes. The less you do it the harder it becomes. By isolating we run the risk of loseing our ability to deal with people.
Some times I do this, someimes I do not have the energy, it is always my choice, either choice I make is OK.
I am not a professional, not saying you are right or wrong, just shareing my experience. Jim

I don't have it in me to try that.

It's always been like that. There was a guy years ago that she tried to hook me up with, but he liked her more. He even told me to my face that she was more fun to hang around with, and way cooler than me.

I tried VERY VERY hard to get this guy to like me. I tried to be outgoing, I tried to have personality, did sexual favors for him but after awhile I just gave up and sunk into a depression and felt htat I was never worhty of a man. And as long as I co-exist with other women, they will always be better than me.

It's humilating.

Once we went to the mall, and the lady at the makeup counter took a look a both of us, and complimented her on her lips. I felt like dying right there on the floor. I felt so ugly and humilated. I went home and cried all night long, thinking of what kind of plastic surgery I shoudl do to myself to make me look better.

Once I tagged along so she could meet up with a guy, and I ended up conversating with the guy's friend. It ended in a total disaster. I don't know what happened, but afterwards he did not have good things to say about me.

I just avoid men at all cost to protect myself. I can't take anymore of this or I'll literally break. I'm already breaking right now. My parents wonder what is wrong with me because I dn't appear to date at all. I don't want to. I am sick of people, and not measuring up.

I know i need help. I just need someone to talk to. I feel very lonely and isolated right now. I don't know what to do with myself, all I think about is doing harm. Anybody out there?

(((((Danity!)))))

I so get this. It used to always be this way for me. The difference was, I think, maybe, that I really am not as pretty as many of my friends, I have this odd look, big bumpy nose... whatever. I developed body dysmorphic disorder either way, where you distort your self image into a deformed monster and think that's how everyone sees you... I don't recommend it. I got over it. There is no doubt in my mind that your friend either has some crazy hot charisma that many guys pick up on, or she is giving off some golden pheromones. But I would bet on the charisma, or the way she engages people, rather.
To be clear, I don't think having this sort of appeal, charisma, whatever is necessarily such a great thing or something we all should necessarily strive for. It's a shallow thing, like looks, it doesn't necessarily reflect anything in your personality, most psychopaths have it too... It's only really important if you base most of your self image on social interactions that last for 1-10 minutes. As soon as you start having a real conversation with a person, this sort of stuff - along with looks - starts to fall away, and a real connection becomes more and more important.

Either way, I think clubs are the worst places for this because almost all interactions are based on these shallow assessments and 60 second conversations... Unless you manage to have a good conversation with someone screaming through the music, which happens but is so so rare. This is why I stopped going to clubs when I was younger, because I found that it distorted my self image. Now I can go occasionally to dance and drink, but I wouldn't try to meet someone for something serious at a club to save my life. There are better ways to meet guys.

I suggest you go about it without your attention-grabber friend, so you feel more confident and relaxed. And maybe making some male friends. I think your self confidence really needs to heal from that one awful little pig you went out with, or you'll just keep meeting guys like that - guys who prey on girls with low self esteem. You can do better, you will. Does it help if I point out that almost every single woman who has dated has at least one of those guys in her past - a guy she met when she was already low, based her whole self esteem off of, humiliated herself for, who took advantage of her and put her down? That's the kind of men we seem to meet when we are low. The most beautiful women in the world all have them, some have nothing but guys like them in their past - Marilyn Monroe comes to mind.
But hey, if that weren't true, plastic surgeons would be out of work.

I'm so glad you're getting help. Please don't feel alone in this. You'll get out of it, but a getting some guy or changing how you look will not be the key to it.

Danity, do you want to date men? Or do you feel you have to? I think lots of people are happy focusing on themselves and accomplishing whatever they want on their own, without distractions and being tied down by the opposite sex/realtionships.

I have similiar feelings as you do, but from the point of view as a male. I feel most women are very superficial, materialistic, self absorbed, and expect too much (there are only so many tall, handsome, wealthy men etc.). But the biggest one is my age group, I'm only 20 and I feel all the 20 somethings are too immature and air headed.

Obviously the "blame" tactics only do so much. I know that I am not physically attarctive since I am short and skinny. I keep mostly to myself, and I'm not a people person - thats not exactly the kind of person that a girl looks for. I think my thoughts and feelings swing back and fourth to wishing I could meet a human being and to being glad I'm alone because there isn't an ounce of good in the world today. Although unlike me, you said you have tried meeting people, I can admit I am not motivated enough to push myself outside of my comfort zone because I think its frustrating that everyone has to live by some unwritten code of rules fabricated by the media and hollywood that affects dating and realtionships. People are too busy marketing themselves to impress others, instead of just being themselves, its like one great false image.

(((Danity)))

I understand a bit what you are going through, because I've been through something similar.

First, I agree with zmarie that clubs & bars are the worst places to meet people, opposite sex or not. Some fitness clubs are like that. The type of superficiality that goes on there-is that something you really want? Do you really want to talk to men that have the behavior of coming on to a woman and ignoring her friend?

You may want to focus on meeting & socializing with people who like you for you and not some kind of game. Are there activities in your community you would be interested in? A community college, an interest group and even volunteering? A YMCA or YWCA? A place where you can mentor?

That way if you meet people it can be around a goal and an activity that is fun, interesting, enriching,and in the process it can bolster your self-esteem and confidence.

I understand you want to spend some time with your girlfriends. If they are real friends you could tell them how you would feel and they would understand. And if you let them know "You know what, that doesn't work for me, anymore, going clubbing. Could we do other things?" Maybe you and they could be more open to doing other things like, for example, doing things outdoors like bike rides, and taking trips out on weekends.

In regards to dating, you could meet men that would be more interested in you as a whole person and with whom you have similar interests. They would be men that are more mature, well-rounded. You want some one who cares about you, not just to flatter you. I met my husband that way! And he's wonderful. We've been married 7 years. We met because we both took a Salsa dance class. Romantic, huh?

I remember going out to bars for about a year when I was in my early twenties, and burnt out fast. It wasn't good for me so much that it hurt my self-esteem. I was (and still am) a quiet, reserved type and don't enjoy those kind of interactions, but more activity-focused interactions. So I started going to a community college and it was such a great experience going and finishing college. I still become shy in social situations, but manage to find my way around that.

Hope you find something that works for you.

Take care of YOU!

I do want to date men, but I have been discouraged. I have a fear that I will be hurt or rejected. Which has happened.

I am confused about how I view myself. When I am alone, it seems that I get a fair share of men who give me compliments and notice me. This seems to change when I am with my friend or with ANY other woman in my presence. I just become a backdrop, I fade into the background very easily.

I don't get it . If I am attractive by myself, then why am I not attractive with a friend? Why does all the compliments and things seem to cease? Why do I end up being humilated and ignored?

I don't know whether I am pretty or not pretty. I dont' get it.

When I hang out with her, guys are friendly with her and they immediately start to compliment her. And I am kinda standing there feeling ugly.

I don't even want to go anywhere with her. I have not picked up my phone to answer her phone calls. I feel that she only hangs around me because she can outshine me. This makes me feel defeated and weak. She is really bad luck for me, and I want her to just go away...far away. I still deeply regret leaving the house. I was too foolish to think I was going to have a good time. I cannot forgive myself for this. If I had of stayed home I would have been feeling fine.

I once went to counseling before, and there were students with the psychiatrst. When I discussed with them my issues, one of the students said, "well you're not ugly. you're not ugly"

Like that made me feel even worse. I guess I'm plain. it would have been better if she didn't say anything at all.

I am just having a hard time accepting this. I feel like the situations that happen with my friend is a true testament to my attractiveness and overall self worth as a woman. Today, I walked with my head down, did not speak to anybody or make eye contact. I want to just shut the world off. That way I wont' get my hopes up high thiking I am attractive only to be treated like I'm not

This post has been edited by Danity: Aug 16 2008, 06:08 PM

Danity I'm sorry you are feeling alone and unattractive right now after all you'd been through with your friend and going out and meeting men. If you feel like your friend just hangs out with you to bolster only herself, maybe you could let her know your feelings. If she's a good friend, she'll be kind and understanding. If she's not, well...

If you're staying home maybe it'd be a good thing to nurture yourself, your wounds so to speak. Grab a journal and write your feelings down.

I'm sorry you feel so bad and hope you feel better soon.

thank you for your kindness whitelilly and everyone else who responded.

i just cannot seem to get over this, and have been crying and moping around the house for days. as i was driving home from work, i was hoping i'd get into a car accident and just die. I still feel so humilated. And I think back at all the situations that happened when a guy said something to her and not me, and start to cry. I don't even want to wear makeup or fix my hair up or anything. It serves no point since they didn't notice me regardless of how nice I tried to make myself look.

Danity, are you feeling a little better now (as if this helps...)? Your last post sounds like you're really upset...

Danity, I'm a guy who has felt like you do since high school. Why could I have never met a beautiful girl like you? After years of failures, I found that it is my negative thoughts that kept me on the wrong track. Now I'm a lonely old man too afraid of rejection to even try to find a girl, but ok with it. It's not you who is unattractive. I can tell you have the most important beauty that's inside. Keep a positive mind and keep searching and you will find one.

So Danity, it's sounding more and more like this is really mostly about this one friend of yours? Some people have tremendous charisma, looks, everything that grabs people's attention on a fast and shallow level, we might not see it (no one appeals to everyone!), that's just that. You have to be pretty self hating to let that affect your self esteem like this. I have three of four girlfriends like that, it's not like that's kept me from meeting guys or having a good social life, romantic life, sex life, whatever. I have my own appeal that I work if I meet someone I like - sometimes it works, sometimes not. It's the same for everyone. My stunner girlfriends' lives aren't easier by any means! I love them, but I wouldn't switch with them.

I understand that what happened with that creep you dated who was in love with her made this seem like the story of your life, but if you step back for a sec, put it in perspective - she's one person, and the guy is one guy, who you met through her. You are like one of those people who are perfectly fine on their own merit, but never ever see it because they have some older sibling their family thinks is so accomplished and perfect and they'll always compare themselves to and think they never measure up. It's such a shame and so silly at the same time. Why wouldn't you widen your circle a bit?

But with this level of self esteem you have right now, I'm going to say it again, you run a HUGE risk of dating more manipulative, disrespectful guys... Good guys are almost always attracted to girls with a healthy self esteem. There are exceptions, but watch out for setting your expectations low in terms of how guys treat you.

Reply withdrawn =P

This post has been edited by dave2345: Aug 18 2008, 02:58 PM