I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone is a let down, not matter where I turn people can't help me what so ever. I just don't know what to do. I got myself out of a really bad relationship and thought I was actually happy for once but I was wrong. I just fell right back down again and now there are even more things that seep into my mind to destroy me. I guess maybe I'm not open enough to help but it just seems like everything anyone says registers as BS. It's like..I've heard that a million times and it does nothing for me just stop already. I really don't know anymore..Half the time I feel like exploding or disappearing...I have immense amounts of repressed rage and I try to write it out but I can't even bring myself to write anything anymore...Except this because I'm just hoping someone will care but no one really ever seems to. People read but they never waste their time and its probably better..why waste your breathe on the hopeless..? right?
I haven't lived too much of my life but to me it seems to be enough. I don't know anymore..I really don't..
I try and hide in my books and my music but there is only so much mind fantasies can do...I'll always wake up and never be in Middle Earth or anywhere but here..my own personal hell. It's not even worth it anymore...I mean we all die anyways ..so why do we put up with this bull...we are so inconsequential...all we are doing is ruining this planet...I can't even say there is a greater being than ourselves...I mean I'm attempting to grasp Wicca with it's Goddesses which seems slightly more comforting...but not quite...why would people who have so much power do this...and yes I know all about "god's reasons" I think its a load of crock sorry...I don't know..I"m prolly just wasting my time and yours..i'm sorry

AsILayDying,

first off, please scroll up and call a suicide hotline if you are truly considering suicide. It can be good even if you're not, you get to talk to a real live person and they have training to deal with people feeling exactly what you are feeling right now. Many of them have felt it in the past, too, that's why they volunteer. Also if you click back to the main forum page, there is a suicide prevention forum you should read.

I was feeling exactly like you are describing Monday. It's a bad bad headspace, a perspective that blocks out all other perspectives. For me it's so obviously linked to my body chemistry at the time. I was on the wrong medication Monday... But even when I don't have an obvious reason like that, well, my brain chemistry is off. Thankfully I'm lucky enough that antidepressants generally work well for me.

I'm an atheist myself, I don't believe in any higher beings or meaning, and what we are doing to the planet fills me with desperation. I won't give you any bs reasons to live. But I will say that the reasons to die you think of when you are suicidal are bs reasons. You feel like you are seeing everything clearly and rationally for once - but just make that leap of faith that you're not, it's depression talking.

When I have my suicidal attacks I can't think of a convincing argument to stay alive, and so many to die. But time and again I get out of that headspace and I somehow remember what I value about life and I'm eternally grateful I didn't throw my whole future away because of a bad headspace I couldn't shake. Jesus, I'm 26, I might live another 40-50 years now that I didn't kill myself Monday. But of course Monday, I felt like 26 was getting old and what else could be ahead, and I'm a "waste of space", it's always that... There is no such thing as a human being being a waste of space, you know that don't you? It doesn't even make sense, it's another invention of bad, bad self destructive moments.

The agony WILL stop, there are so many ways to make it stop without ending life.
Have you seen a therapist you had any faith in, taken medications - ? There are other ways to get through the worst parts too, of course, and they're all better than dying. But therapy and medications have the best track records for long term improvement. That said, if you've tried them, several of them, they're not the end of the line.

Please feel better, be a little bit nicer to yourself. Let yourself off the hook just for tonight ok?
You have nothing to apologize for.
Keep posting.

This post has been edited by zmarie: Aug 7 2008, 04:22 AM

Hi and Welcome to DF AsILayDying

No one can help you, unless you help yourself. Sometimes when you are in a space that you are in right now, you can't see the way out, all you can see is only darkness. Others around can see a way out. I'm telling you there is a way out, always, you just have to find it. Sometimes its hard work, well most times. What is the point of giving up, without even trying?
Have you been to a doctor, a therapist, a counselor?
What has triggered this bout of depression? Can you pin it on anything?

We have the power to change our own life path, it is like a journey with different paths, sometimes we take a wrong path, sometimes we take a right path, we learn from the wrong paths and the right paths eventually become easier to pick. We can walk down many wrong roads before we find the right one. The right road is there, keep searching for it.

Trace

Helo,

one thing about these forums is that you learn that other people have felt, are feeling, whatever you are feeling. There are patterns.

And it sometimes helps to recognise that depression makes you think and feel certain things. You are hopeless and worthless, everything is bleak and futile, the only thing thats true is that its all hopeless, bleak and futile.

Depression is a black-hole that attracts all the negatives, the whole bucket of negative thinking, and you spiral down with it, and you feel bad, then more and more empty.

I am recognising its not the truth, it feels like that's the way it really is, but its depression and depressive thinking. I'm worst in the mornings, then it gets a little better through the day. I'ts almost like a leap of faith to get out of bed, and get anywhere.

Sometimes I think I've just got to get there, just get there, wherever it is. Some little thing to do for me. You've got to hang on by your finger-nails to whatever you can, whatever things you can find solace in, whatever gives you pleasure, keep getting along, til you don't feel as bad as last week, youre a tiny bit better and a tiny bit better.

There is delusion in being joyful and enthusiastic. There is also delusion in feeling so bad and depressed. But you can truly feel joyful and enthusiastic just as you truly feel bad and depressed. I have a little feeling that I will feel joyful and enthusiastic again.

And if you could choose, which one would you choose?

Hello,
I think I understand how you feel because I am there. How do we get out of the black hole? I don't know but I do believe there is a God and He cares for me and you and He doesn't want us to feel this way. Time and Time again I have been shown there is a God otherwise I would no longer be here. I don't know what to say to help you because no one wants God forced down their throat, I am just saying He has given me just enough strength to make it through each day. You could ask Him for help. I will pray for you too. Just for the record people do care for you even though they don't know you because you reflect where many of us have been. We see ourselves in you

Hi AsILayDying,

Please hang in there. There is always hope, but it takes some work.

Please keep posting here, and take care of yourself.

Dante~

Seriously I've been low enough as it is for like half a year now and everything seems to be freaking caving in yet again...
I was looking forward to working my way out of this household with people I don't really want to call family anymore...
I'm an adult now...I don't want their ****ing money...I keep thinking of any alternative to living here but nothing seems to work out without money and that takes time to earn and I haven't even managed to get a job yet. They just keep making it worse..Oppressing me with their ****ing family and religion...I am so close to murdering the lot of them...which they really aren't worth being locked up for but whatever...
I can't even take solace in my significant other because I can't be depressed without him freaking out and being an emo ***** about it...He doesn't understand s*** and assumes me being like this means I have no feelings for him...It's always about him...and his ****ing feelings...Yet when it comes down to it he always blames himself...
I'm at my witts end with the whole ****ing world..I can't even go to my best friend cuz she is too immature to think of anything rational to do to help me...
I've been to therapists and there was only one that ever did me any good and my parents ****ed that up and since then they've been no help and now i have no insurance anyways so it doesn't matter...great country eh?
I've been on medicine and thanks to my dad's brilliance that stopped....He just thought it was a doctor's excuse to make money....GOD D***it... The ignorance in this house is unending...
and I hate myself for writing all of this because when I look back at it I feel like a weak stupid moron like the rest of them...I hate feeling and being like this...I am so ****ing sick of everyone's bulls***
I don't know what to do anymore...
I am really starting not to care which means it'll be easier in the long run to let them all go

Hi AsILayDying,

First things first. You are not weak at all. It takes a lot of personal strength to talk about what is on your mind. That is a good way to start helping yourself. So with that said, you are strong.

I'm so very sorry to hear about what is going with your home life. I can't imagine how tough it is on you. People tend to ignore what they don't understand.

Have you looked to see if there is a free counsleing centers in your area. If you can find one close by that would probably do you a world of good.

Jobs are hard to come by these days, so please don't give up. You are your own person, please remember that.

Hang in there pleae, it's bad now, but with a strength and hope it will get better.

Take care,

Dane~

AsILayDying,

I'm sorry. No one should ever be forced to live with their parents, especially when they are crazy people that short cut all your attempts at getting better. And health care in this country is a complete disgrace and mental health care a joke.

That being as it is, like Dante said it's hard to get a job these days. How controlling is your family exactly, can they keep you from visiting a low cost health clinic? If there is a good one in your area, they will hook you up with a psychiatrist and the medications you need for very little money. Like you said you are an adult, your parents can't stop you from getting the health care you need can they? I think the clinics always offer some form of counseling as well.
(As an example, Ryan Nena in NYC offers mental health care and if you are registered with them, any meds they prescribe are just a $7 co pay. With some luck maybe there is a similar program where you are?)

There are also low cost & sliding scale therapy centers, either with post-graduate students or dedicated professionals. Again I only know about NYC, PM me for numbers if you live around here, but they exist in many areas.

Keep writing and venting, you can't buy therapy like it. Eventually you will be making money and getting out of there and things will start to feel a lot more meaningful...

This post has been edited by zmarie: Aug 8 2008, 03:56 AM

Hi AsILayDieing,

Sorry to hear about your frustrations. Its good that you could express yourself on here though. Thats always a step. I think you will find that the people on these forums are all very understanding. We've all been there, or are still there, so keep up with the boards if you wish and you may find some people who identify very strongly with your particular "sitch".

So would you say that your depression is more situational or related more to just out of whack brain chemistry? Can you think of what brought about the depression or did it just seem to happen all of a sudden?

best regards,
Dragsum

PS- I like your name, is it inspired from the metal band with the same name?