Hi everyone,

I am new to this site and would appreciate any advice for people who suffer depression or relatives on how we can help you.

My soon-to-be mother in law has constant bouts of depression and I wish I knew what to do. She lives alone and my partner is trying his best to balance a very hectic work and training schedule along with being there for his mother. As she is not my mother I feel slighty uncomfortable talking about her feelings with her... I try to listen but don't feel familiar enough to give my opinions and I feel hampered by the 'politeness' factor involved with the in-laws, it would be very different if she was my own mother.

Can you give myself and my parnter some advice on how we can help her?? She doesn't seem willing to accept that she suffers from depression. She is also a recovering alcoholic and has suffered a lot of family bereavements in her life (mother, sisters, close friends, husband). I can completely understand how down she must be but am frustrated as it is difficult trying to convince her to speak to a counsellor or seek help. She says she is lonely and we try to involve her in our lives. My partner visits her everyday (at the expense of time with his family due to long working hours) and calls her on the phone, but sometimes it seems as though its never enough and she gets angry that he doesnt visit more. She gets angry if she sees me driving past her house and not calling in to see her, even if I have to go somewhere. If she calls on the phone and I don't answer she wants to know why (she seems a bit paranoid as though I'm avoiding her), although generally I'm in the shower, cooking etc and dont hear the phone, not avoiding her at all. Her behaviour seems irrational and unpredictable. She eats very little, has trouble sleeping and is weepy and down all the time!

My partner is coping with everything on his own as his brother doesn't get involved and only calls on the phone once in a while. He is at breaking point as he has so much stress with work and constantly worries about his mother (especially that she my turn to alcohol to cope). I do not know what to do. This is such a frustrating situation and I really really would appreciate any advice, especially if you suffer from depression, on how I can help.

Please please contact me soon

Thanks everyone

Hi carmar,

It's great that your here.

First, it's just downright awesome that you want to help your soon to be mother-in-law. You should be commeded for that.

My advice to give to you is to get your hands on any reading material you can find on depression. This way you will have a better understanding of what she is gong through.

The next best thing you an do is be there for her. Give her the time to open up to you. I have family and friends that care about me, but only a few that I truly open to. Also you may want to try and spend time with your moher-in-law. Now only will this help strengthen your relationship with her, but will make her feel better because she knows someone cares.

Also you might want to suggest that she a doctor or get some councseling.

That is my advice I have for you. The most important thing you can do though is get an understanding of what he is going through, and be there for her.

Keep us upadated,

Dante~

The situation you're in is a delicate one. Honestly, it's tough to know how to approach someone with depression, since every person is so different. Personally, I don't like it when people feel that they need to help me. Of course, this is largely because I already have people I can lean on, and I prefer to be the one to make the first move when I approach someone new. However, you're in a bit of a different situation since you're essentially family. I think it would be best if you just try to spend some time with your mother-in-law and try to strengthen your relationship with her. If you feel the need is immediate, it's probably best if your partner broaches the topic.

Hope all goes well.

Hi Carmar,

The first thing that stands out is your mother in law doesn't accept she has depression. As such you cannot make her accept that.

This is what I think is the hardest part of the depression process. Knowing there's a problem, accepting what it might be and then accepting you have it and asking for help, ie a doctor or therapist.

If someone doesn't accept such then anyone trying to force that idea upon them will be rejected, angrily more than likely. It's not a situation where you can say "I see you're depressed so I'll help you" as you would if they had a broken leg etc.

To impose your opinion is insulting and would receive the rejection mentioned. And distance her from you.

It is a time when only the person involved can come to that conclusion and any forcing is counter productive.

But you can be sneaky about it. You could read up on it as suggested. Symptoms are listed in many places, just Google them. You could make up a "friend" who has it and talk about it to your in law. Best this imaginary friend is in another city for obvious reasosn, so they can't meet.

You could even ask her advice on what that friend should do. You could say the "friend" isn't sure what's wrong but doesn't want to accept it's depression.

Get the idea? But don't make it identical or it's too obvious.

Buy a book or two on the topic and accidentally leave one at her house. If she uses the internet, use it and leave the page open on an info site for depression. Which you were obviously reading because of your "friend".

People with depression can be impossible to help, myself included. One thing we do, not all I guess, but most is push people awat but want them very close. Sounds weird but it's true. And of course we all think we can fix it without help. Which we can't.

We're all different so the nuances of your in laws situation will be difficult for her to deal with. Being there is really the best thing in the end. Just being around and available to talk if wanted.

That's a start.

Best

Friendly.

ask her out to lunch, shopping, etc. talk about her son with her and share your mutual love. let her do the talking for the most part. let her talk about anything she wants. don't judge a word or idea, be like a counselor in that regard. you're not, however being there is being a friend and she needs someone who won't judge.

she's had her share of grief and pain in life. it's very hard to separate depression from grief sometimes. and sometimes they go hand in hand, making it even more difficult to get to the bottom of and treat.

being there is all you can do. don't let your husband beat himself up, and don't you dare beat yourself up either. just do your best. tell her that you're there and doing your best. most mothers want the best for their children. maybe she'll understand that there are only 24 hours in the day. you don't have to point it out- be very diplomatic at all times- but just emphasize that you're there and keep your phone on in case she needs to vent or talk. don't let her rule your life, but make yourself available.

my mom has depression, MS, lupus, and cancer. i'm just there, and she knows my life is a crazy mess. i'm bipolar, and there's also only so much i can take...

there is a book, and i'm sorry i can't speak directly to depression because i'm bipolar and only see the bipolar variety of depression, but there's a great book to help you understand called the "bipolar survival guide". it's written on the level for people who know nothing about it. you could always skip the parts that talk about the highs and just read the sections on the lows. it is a good book. i own it and give it out sometimes.

do happy things. celebrate anniversaries, her birthday, etc. include her in happy things. have dinners together just because, and all of that. it will help support her good mood.

my IMO is that while there is a great deal of evidence showing that talk therapy and exercise/nutrition can go a long way towards treating depression, that to get to the point where you even care, you need a good AD. maybe she'll see that one day and get to the doctor for an evaluation. in the meantime, you can send good vibes/pray/whatever you do for support and bless her with your caring and presence.

PM me if you need more ideas-

melinda

Hi Melinda,

Thanks so much for all ur advice, I really appreciate it and the suggestions are definately something we can both do to help her. I called in today and spent some time just chatting about nothing much but the company definately lifted her.

I hope ur mom is ok and will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.

Many thanks again. very kind of u to offer ur advice to me. x

Hi carmar,

That's awesome that you took the time to cheer her up. I commend you for what you are doing. Sounds like you have a big heart. Keep up the positive stuff.

Take care,

Dante~

I just wanted to thank everyone who gave me advice. I guess there's no miracle cure or magic wand I can wave to make it all go away overnight. I can see this is going to be a long process. Thankfully she called her doctor and has been speaking to him about things. She also spoke to a close friend (who's a priest and very good at listening without appearing to be counselling). Im just tryin to be patience and it seems the little gestures go a long way in this situation ie a quick phone call.

Anyway I hope we can help her and I hope all of you are well and happy. Thanks so much for ur advice. Its good to know I'm not alone and wish more people understood how frustrating depression can be and how helpless friends/relatives feel.

There is a book called "What to Do When Someone You Love is Depressed" by Mitch Golant PhD and Susan K Golant. I bought it for my sister, because she had said numerous times that she didn't know what to do to help me. It talks about what is depression, how to comfort a depressed person, how to maintain communication, treatment, what not to say and how to handle suicide threats. She said it was a great help to her. It is available on amazon.com starting at about $11 American.

Good luck and keep us posted!